Mean Girls and the Mom's Who Love Them.....

Updated on January 22, 2013
J.T. asks from Alexander, AR
24 answers

My 13yo son is having an issue with a "Mean Girl" at his school. I have talked to the mother of the girl, and she refuses to help because she thinks her princess is perfect. The mom's in our circle have been gossiping about the latest incident that happened between my son and this girl. He told her off at school (FINALLY) because she IS a mean girl, and she got violent with him. There is a mom of another boy that is very good friends with the girl's mother that is an aide at the school. She was NOT present during the altercation, but had to throw her two cents out there about my son and the incident. It was put in a group message and "accidentally" sent to me and 9 other moms. I called the woman out on it. She told me some very hurtful hateful allegations about my son. She said EVERYBODY at my son's school hates him. I know this is not true because he has lots of friends and I never hear anything negative from teachers or staff. I ask specific names and incidents. I asked why I wasn't informed if my son is the problem. She gave me no explination. I go to these kids directly and they ALL say the things this woman is allegating is FALSE. I don't know what the hell to do. I am so angry at this little brat and these two women.
This young lady has now started having boys threaten my son because I spoke to the girl's mother about her behavior. I am afraid he is going to get jumped at school next week and the aide will blame it all on my son. I am glad he defended himself (finally) to this girl, but damn the ramifications.
Somebody pls help me. I feel like I am in junior high again.....

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So What Happened?

I just wanted to add that this has been going on non stop for the past month. This girl is a terror to EVERYBODY!! She has developed a very bad reputation already at 13 for her mouth, and an incident that happened at a party a couple of months ago where she was caught in the woods with two boys.
When we told our son to ignore her and leave her along, him pulling away only made her amp up the mean girl attitude. She wants HIM to pay attention to her. She makes fun of him constantly. She orders him to leave the lunch table because she "can't eat her lunch without being sick because he is nearby." My son has avoided her, moved tables, ect..Nothing worked. If anything it made her worse. The incident that I am referring to he moved 3 times that day. She followed him around the lunchroom and told him to eat his lunch in the bathroom because everyone hated him. I understand letting kids work it out. I understand getting the school involved. We were friends with the girls parents, so I thought that if we could go to them directly we could work on it outside of school. It didn't work. I am NOT saying he didn't play a part. Sure maybe he shouldn't have lost his temper and screamed at her. He was honest with me about what he said. What he said wasn't nice. How much can a 13 yo take? I don't know that I couldve handled the past month and a half as well as he has. SHe has said and done some pretty awful things. What does it take?

Featured Answers



answers from Anchorage on

You need to make an appointment and bring this all to the principal so if he does get jumped they will know in advance it was not his fault. The school should have a zero acceptance policy on bullying.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I would talk to the school counselor re. strategies to deal with this young woman or to avoid her. If he's proactive in looking for ways to NOT get into trouble, I would think that would go over well. Continue to go through the school - if this girl is establishing a pattern of behavior, that will be notice, I hope.

I would talk to the principal about the aid, and send the e-mail once you have the appointment. She sent the e-mail out, which probably is in violation of some privacy rules, and she needs to be called on it.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

At this point, it's not about who did what. Personally I would have said "I know I will never know the entire truth about what's going on, but what I do know is that they need to be told to stay away from eachother and not say a word".

By you going to the mother & telling her what her daughter is doing wrong, you insulted her princess. Go to the school and tell them to tell both kids to stay away from each other, regardless of who started it or who has been the meanest.

3 moms found this helpful

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answers from Detroit on

First of all, STOP partaking in the gossip!
You are all gossiping about CHILDREN! What kind of example are you setting for your children?
If you and the mother of this child can not see eye to eye, would be great, but clearly it is not happening.
Let that go, you dont need her to get justice for your child.
Have meetings with the principal, and the teachers. Write everything down, date and time.
If this doesnt work, go higher.
Just stop the gossip!

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

First of all, don't play their games and get drawn into it anymore than you already have. I KNOW that is hard... I deal with it with cheerleading and moms daily.

IF the aide (a school employee) sent anything out that was in written form talking about your son.... then she broke the confidentiality rules of the school system.. I am assuming they have privacy rules.

As a substitute teacher and employee of our school district, I am not allowed to discuss ANY student or parent by name or I can lose my job. This is comon sense within our system. If there is an issue, it is taken up with the proper school authorities within the school and if it needs to go further, the school administrators take it further.

Now, speaking of the mom with the perfect daughter. I know this type too well and there will be NO way she will ever think her princess has done wrong. We had an issue that was blatent and the mom denied that her daughter would ever do something like that when everyone saw it happen..

Make sure your son knows you will have his back, no matter what. Any altercation within our schools results in suspension and this includes self defense. My daughter happens to be a black belt and a couple years ago, she was physically threatened. We made sure the school police liason was well aware of the situation and we also told our daughter if she EVER had to react in self defense to never worry about a suspension because we would back her all the way.

My daughter is a senior now and it just amazes me at how this 1 group of moms and daughters within the cheer group act. My daughter is the captain and these women and girls HATE it and they have tried to make my daughter's Captain year miserable but my daughter will not participate in the mind games, nor will I and that alone drives them all batty.

Hang in there, make sure you have plenty of documentation and talk to the administrators at the school. If the privacy issue was broken.. That is a LAW... and the aide could very well lose her job. As for the gossipy moms, just stay calm and wait out the storm and don't stoop to their level. Arguing with them does no one any good. Let them win these little battles and then you will be able to win the war!! I am sorry your child is going through this.... I know it is an emotional hell for everyone in your family. Best wishes.

ETA;; Our school system does have something like a restraining order when there are students who need to remain separated. If they have classes with each other, those are changed and then there are rules as far as no speaking to each other and a limited distance between each other while on school grounds or they can end up at alternative school.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Albany on

You may feel like you're in Junior High, but you are not. HE is. I suggest you let him handle it. You've had 13 years to model successful social behavior, now it's time to take a step back and trust your own work. In 8th grade a boy does not need his mommy to stick up for him against "mean girls". It will only make his school life worse.


6 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

First thing this week take this to the woman's boss. She should not be talking about students at the school like this. If I were you I would make this HUGE. Starting with a meeting with the principal first. At that meeting I would define what I intend to do next....the district HR department. Then get in contact with them and launch a huge complaint-in our district this would be in violation of many laws-including the internet ones just enacted. I would also make sure the disctict superintendent and maybe even legal team knows of this. Don't let it drop until she is fired. At least this is how I would handle it -with ZERO tolerance. Hire a lwayer if you hae to.

Yay for your son for sticking up for himself. Tell him that you have his back no matter what.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

You believe your son's side of the story, she believe's her daughter's side.
He said, she said.
Parents at my kids' school rarely get involved in this stuff, because it IS junior high. They go through the school counselor with their complaints, and the counselor sets up individual meetings with the different kids, and they are usually able to work out a solution. If nothing else the harassment ends, MOST of the time.
I suggest you teach your son how to avoid this girl in the future, and if she continues following him around and taunting him then he needs to report it to his counselor and go from there.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Ditto Theresa and Terri.
Problems at school should be dealt with at school.
If he is feeling threatened or intimidated in any way he needs to go to his counselor.
Your involvement at this point is just making things worse.
You should only get involved as a last resort, let your son work with his counselor first. He's going to be in high school in a few years, he needs to start learning how to assert himself in a healthy way.
And telling someone off does not constitute standing up for yourself, all it does is escalate the problem, as was made evident by the girl getting violent.
Maybe SHE felt threatened, and was trying to defend herself?

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Hartford on

Your son is in middle school and he's being bullied. Why are you going directly to the mother and gossiping with other mothers about this girl? Why haven't you gone to the assistant principal or principal about this? The middle school ought to have an anti-bullying program headed by a staff member at the school, usually an assistant principal, who investigates these situations and then not only handles them but metes out discipline as needed and makes sure that they don't occur again.

You don't get directly involved in these things. The school is trained to deal with them. So let the school handle it.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

You do need to go talk to the school principal or Assistant Principal or counselor about this situation.... if nothing else, send them and email that your son is being bullied. At the school I work at, when we are told about this kind of a problem, the AP starts talking to any teachers the students may have, and sometimes assign a "shadow" (an adult to follow the students involved) during class changes, or lunchtime.

Be sure to give them specifics... I don't know what to do about the aide that is saying untrue things about your son... maybe they can call in some of the other kids that are saying your son is innocent?

I would forward the e-mail you received to the school, also... they may need to talk to their aide about her behavior as well.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

He's being bullied. He's being threatened. Go to the principal. This girl needs to be taken care of and most schools these days have a zero tolerance for bullying these days. And, by the way, this woman who sent the email to everyone and spreading stories about your son is WORKING at the school? I would have the principal put a stop to that right quick! What she did may be a HIPPA violation and the school is responsible for the actions of their employees. Hello, liability.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

I think he's being bullied. Time to take this to his teacher AND the principal.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Appleton on

There are two things you can do.
1) if the girl hit your son you can call the police and file a report. ----That will get everyone's attention. When you file the report tell the police the names of the other kids she has harrassed, hopefully they will also go talk to all of them. Some may be willing to file a report also some may not. The more evidence you can get the stronger your case will be.

2) take all the info you have and have a talk with the principal. From now on keep any and all documents you have about this. Keep copies for yorself. Document with a calender or datebook what happens on which day. For instance: Tommy came home and said Susie made him change lunch tables 3 times on January 21st. or Friend in PE told Tommy, Susie is tell all the boys she likes to beat him up.

Personally, I would do both.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

This is a couple of different issues.
First, your child is being bullied. In California it is now against the law to bully, not sure about where you live? Second, the teacher's aide is also bullying AND violating confidentiality. They are not allowed to discuss behavior with parents and definitely not with other parents.
You need to make an appointment with the principal immediately to make sure the bullying is stopped and that the aide is censured and/or let go. The kind of person she has shown herself to be should not be working with children at school.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

Oh boy. You really have GOT to go to the principal and discuss all of this. And bring him a copy of the email, along with the names of everyone this woman sent the email to.

I am not sure by your post if the AIDE sent this email out, but if she did, she needs to be fired.

Get the school counselor involved as well. Get down to the school right away. This is really important. If you don't, your son is going to get beaten up. If you don't feel that the principal is taking you seriously, if he doesn't get the people involved in trouble, tell him that you will take this to the school board. Tell him you want it dealt with THIS WEEK.

By the way, the name of your subject line is just great...


3 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

Are the teachers and principal involved in this? I hate to say it but you should have NEVER tried to resolve this yourself. Your son would be in a much better place if you had let the school deal with this from day one. You need to document everything you have on the issues. Print any emails about it, write down names and talk to your son's teacher, counselor and the principal immediately. If you are worried for your child's safety consider keeping him home until after you meet with school officials and there is a plan in place to protect him. If he was threatened consider calling the police and reporting the threats. Give your son a cell phone and instruct him to call 911 when kids threaten him or he feels in danger.
Unfortunately the situation has escalated this far and now you need to bring out the big guns (figuratively) to protect your child. You must do it through the proper channels though!
Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Moms should not be gossiping, calling each other out, sending group e-mails "accidentally on purpose" to catfight electronically with each other.

Drop the drama. Get off that train.

Go see the principal in person AND take a letter so it's also in writing. Quote your school board's rules against bullying and/or your state's laws against bullying. Say that you want action by the end of that same day. Tell the school that you have already spoken with a lawyer to find out about the legal issues involved with your child being bullied (then do just that). The words "lawyer," "school board" and "law against bullying" will scare the living daylights out of the administration. Tell them that parents are involved and that you son must have ZERO contact with this school employee who is involved here.

As for the girl: Demand that she have no further contact with your son. If they are in the same classes, say you want the teachers to know that she and he must not be put on teams doing group work, etc. Say that if the girl approaches your son in the cafeteria, the playground, etc., the teachers need to stop her. The principal will go all chilly and say things like "We can't discuss another child with you, only your own child." Calmly say you know that and also that you know your own son is not perfect and shares some blame but that he and this girl must be kept apart or you will have to involve those outside the school like the police, if she touches your son again.

One thing worried me a lot: The wording of your post is a bit unclear to me: Is the mom who wrote and sent this e-mail with the statements about your son the SAME mom who is also an aide at their school?

If she is: Copy that and take it in person to the principal. If this woman works for the school, whether paid or as a volunteer, and is writing these things about a student where she works, the principal and counselor need to know immediately. She must be kept from all contact with your son and frankly she should be disicplined at work. No employee or volunteer in a school should do what she did and especially distribute it. This was not one aide writing a private message to a parent informing the parent about issues objectively; this was a person writing allegations and distributing them publicly. I would have gone after her with the principal for that alone.

Be warned. You will incur this woman's wrath and the wrath of her crony moms when you give the principal her e-mail (and when you tell the principal that if he or she won't handle it you will go over the school's head to the school board). Be calm and do NOT demand she be fired or whatever, just say that you are informing the principal of what you see as inappropriate comments that an adult who represents the school made and distributed publicly. If the school is halfway decent they will reprimand or even fire her. But you and your son will get hell for it. Still, it's the adult thing to do, to get this all out with the principal.

Do not reply to any e-mails, calls or texts from her; the parents of the girl; or the crony moms who back the girl's family. Do not reply no matter WHAT they write or text or say. But keep every single e-mail and text and call!

Your school sounds horrid, by the way -- I would consider moving my child to one where the parent culture was not so crappy. These parents are children themselves -- stay clear of them. If this woman who is the aide tries to make your son's life hard at school, record every single word she says, every incident, make notes on everything he tells you. Meanwhile I would possibly get him a safe place to talk about this to someone outside school OR family so he can get some ideas on how to handle people calmly. I feel terrible for him.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Indianapolis on

Wow... drama!

I don't view "telling off" someone as standing up for yourself.

I wouldn't think getting into an argument with another mom would help, either.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

You are not in Jr High, your son is. You need to act like the adult, not the gossiping not get all wrapped up in the nonsense of it all. Go straight to the top...Principle.....advise him of all the nonsense, especially advise him of the woman who wasn't there yet had comments to make. Annotate EVERYTHING, dates, times, who you spoke to. Give him a copy of the "accidental" e-mail. Clarify, that if there is any trouble with your son, you will involve the police, a lawyer and go above the principles head. Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Raleigh on

Try not to get yourself too stressed out about this. I know, easier said than done!

When I find myself in stressful situations I try to gain more knowledge on the subject and that helps me cope better. Even though I haven't been in a situation like yours my daughter who is 12 had a BFF who we coudn't stand.

The problem that we had to deal with is that D12 WANTED to be friends with her "bully BFF." That was so hard to deal with because no matter what we said or did D12 woudn't take our advice. We had long talks with her and practiced dialogue with her but nothing helped. This girl was just so mean and passive aggressive.

Anyway, after a long year of this "bully BFF" drama and 2 books later they are finally no longer friends. We just told D12 you can talk to this girl at school but no contact with her outside of school no matter what. After waiting several months the bully BFF finally pulled away and made other friends.

I know this situation is quite different than what you're son is going thru but I wanted to share some things that I learned that may help you. What I learned from all of this is that D12 wasn't always telling me the truth or she would get the facts all messed up. Also, she was not innocent in some of the events that occured. So try to keep an open mind and know that there is always 2 sides to every story and you're son may not be totally innocent.

Lastly, of you get a chance read "Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads", Dealing with the parent, teachers, coaches, and counselors who can make-or break-your child's future. It's by Rosalind Wiseman who also wrote "Queen Bees & Wannabes."

The first book I mentioned is very good but I haven't read it thru yet. It will help guide you on how and when to step in and step out of your child's conflicts with other kids and school personel. And dealing with this mean girl you are describing, the second book will be very helpful with that as well.

Good luck & remember, you will get thru this!!!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I hope you have a copy of these things and if this woman is an aide in the school she could get in bigtime trouble. That THAT is bullying and if it is a group message there is electronic surveillance which means you have some backup. Go to the principal and teachers first, social workers and then school Board. This might help prevent it from escalating. The teachers would be the first to let you know so you are right it is probably not him.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Santa Fe on

She is a bully. Do what you would do if a large male bully at the school was threatening your son. Take it to the principal and the school board. What is their bullying policy? Write down everything that has happened and request a meeting.



answers from Chicago on

Oh my gosh. I wish I had a suggestion. I just read this and my heart broke for you and your son. That is so horrible. I feel so awful that you have to go through this. I just wanted to let u know I will say a prayer for him.

You will get through this. Just keep loving him.

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