My sister and I have a friend whose son has SEVERAL red flags for autism. Autism is something I know a lot about--I
nannied for a boy (who was 2.5 at the time) and who was autistic. His parents had no clue that the things he was doing were not "typical" because he was their first child. After much research and soul searching, I told the mother that I thought he was autistic. It broke her heart, the father was mad a me but it turns out he is. And now at 7 he is doing great because he had so much early intervention. But this is different--it involves a friend. If the family I worked for told me to piss off, I could have just severed ties and that would have been that. Losing this friend would be sad for me and my sister as well as extremely awkward because we have so many friends in common, including a weekly play group. We feel that for the sake the child, we should say something, and yet we have gotten the idea that the mother would be angry and defensive to hear that her son might be different. What do you think?
** We are not trying to "diagnose" him. But he clearly needs an evaluation. Also, a lot of people are saying that his parents may already know. I can assure you they do not. He is the kind of kid who (at 2.5 years old) is content to play by himself for hours while his parents watch TV or sit quietly in his crib until his parents come get him at 10 am when they decide to get up. They are not encouraging him to interact any more than he already is or "testing" or encouraging his communication skills the way someone who is aware of the problem would be. Kids on the autism spectrum who are left to their own devices will not thrive. They will withdraw into their own worlds more. This is why early intervention is so important. I know I am not a specialist. I never said I was. But I am extremely educated in this matter and do have experience working closely with an autistic child.
ALSO: When the mother of the boy I nannied for told their pediatrician that "the nanny thinks J might be autistic" the doc said "You know, I've been thinking that he was, but I haven't said anything." Needless to say, the mother was furious. And since she has learned (and told me) that pediatricians OFTEN DO NOT TELL THE PARENTS--they wait and let their teachers figure it out a couple years later. Think about it. How often is your kid in the doc's presence? 15 mins max? And most kids act differently in the doc's office--not making eye contact, not speaking, etc. A doc does not interact with a child in a way that allows him to observe typical behavior because most kids are not acting the way they do at home when they are there! This is one reason they are now requiring autism screening questions to be asked at both the 18 mos and 2 and 3 year appts. Even still, it is often missed because (for instance) if you ask your child "Do you want some juice?" and the child always repeats "Want some juice" instead of saying yes or no, the parent may not recognize this as echolalia but think the child is answering yes,as in "Yes, I want some juice." The boy I was caring for was constantly hand-flapping, toe walking, repeating, not waving, lining up toys, not saying Mama or Dada but could recite entire stories from memory. His parents had no idea any of this was odd.
Honestly, I really like Mamapedia but some people on this site are just plain rude. Do you read the entire question before you give your sarcastic, rude response or just the first line? In my question I plainly say I AM NOT AN EXPERT but I am extremely educated about autism. I AM NOT TRYING TO DIAGNOSIS HIM. I think he needs an evaluation. Is it really necessary to tell me to keep my mouth shut or tell me it is none of my business? I am asking a question that I want real advice about because I care about my friend and I want to do what is best for the child. NO THEY DO NOT KNOW. I said it in the question so stop telling me they may already know. Good GOD. Sometimes I think that some of you are on this site just to give your bitchy, nasty opinions because it is anonymous. Plenty of people said I should not saying anything but they were not rude about it. Also, do I think he has autism because he plays alone?? NO! I said I am extremely well read about autism, my best friend has her Masters in special education for AUTISM work. I have talked to doctors and specialists about the other little boy. I am not an idiot. Do you really want the laundry list of things he does that are red flags??? I didn't ask advice about whether or not he could be autistic. I asked for advice regarding the moral dilemma that I feel exists in this situation. Maybe some of you can understand that. Sorry to be so frustrated but I really wish some of you could express your opinions without being so damn rude.
If you are a good friend, then you should tell, but be very gentle and dont come across as knowing more than you really know. I would call an Autism support group in the are and get some tips from them on how to have the conversation.
Good luck.
This is a tough one and I think that it is a touchy subject. However, I am with you on early intervention even if it isn't autism maybe the child could benefit from some different types of therapy.
That is tough. I wouldn't say anything. I WOULD look for an opportunity to have it come up in conversation. If the parents bring it up to you, then it's open for discussion. Is it possible, he's just a very introverted kid? I'm not an expert either, but maybe he's just introverted.
I wouldn't say that the child is autistic because sometimes other things cause autistic behaviors. If it is autism, they will find out and they may already be getting help but want to maintain their privacy while they are learning about it. I know many young people with autism and they are doing fine. Is the child speaking? If not you could suggest speech and that if they contact Early Intervention before the child is three they can get speech therapy for a small family fee. If the child isn't speaking you could ask if the child has had a recent hearing test and that through Early Intervention they could get the test. I would focus on the speech part for now and not the behaviors. I have a website that helps kids learn and within it is a site for Early Intervention and Do2Learn (for special needs) My site's address and it will soon be officially non-profit is www.ourlearningtree.com Please feel free to share the site, we are always adding information to it. It is good that you care about kids. I hope this helps to help your friend and her child.
ugh. this is tough. Does your friend bring the child to the pediatrician? How old is this child? Are you willing to accept that your friend may never talk to you again? Because that's a strong possibility. No one wants to hear that their child has a condition...whether it be big or small. My daughter needed speech therapy, and while I knew in my heart that she was a little behind, it still hurt my feelings when the pediatrician suggested it. She is 4 now and talks up a storm and I'm glad he mentioned it....but I could see being toldyour child is possibly autistic would be a whole lot more upsetting.
I guess the best way to approach it would not to out right say you think he's autistic. Just tell her you've noticed a few signs and wondered if she's mentioned it to the pediatrician. Also mention profusely that you're not saying there's something wrong with her son or that you're saying it is anything...but just that you noticed a few things and were a little concerned.
She may still get pissed and sever ties with you...but hopefully she gets him checked out.
Did your friend know you when you were baby sitting the child that had autism? Maybe you could gently say you see some stuff in her child that you had with the child you sat for? Whether you are an expert or not you are her friend and I would want my friend to identify something in my child if I don't see it first. I might be upset or defensive at first but I would be able to see you are only trying to help. I also believe you when you say they don't know. I think they are ignoring any red flags becasue isn't it nice to have a quite child who waits till you take him out of bed and lets them watch tv, without interupption. It's not going to go away. Since you and your sister share her and other friends it'll bother you as you see the child develope or not develope. My gf kids do not have autism but they both have serious attention deficit. She would not see it even though everyone she knew said something to her. I told her it is not an emarassment to have a child who might have challenges it is embarrassing when someone lets their pride go before the help and attention of their child. Some how that woke her up. She got both children tested and they both have ADHD. Be the good friend you are and when you tell her your concerns have a list of actions she could take to get her child evaluated and early intervention programs. Good luck
Wouldn't you want to be told in the same situation? Isn't the child's well-being more important than an adult's hurt feelings?
That said, just be as gentle as possible....& since she's a friend, she's probably heard about the child you nannied. This may help ease the way into such a life-changing situation. I wish you Peace.
Talk to her, or her husband. Make a coffee date and be direct.......but don't be a know-it-all. Tell them how much you care about all of them and that you are concerned. Tell them every good thing you can think of about their child. Tell them you have hesitated to tell them your feelings because you are no doctor and that you were afraid they would be mad at you. Tell them about what happened when you nannied. Admit you are no expert and could be totally off base, but also tell them that you know early intervention could make a huge difference and you would be so mad at yourself if you didn't say something, etc... Tell them you don't want to hurt their relationship but that you didn't know how you could be a good friend and not tell them this.
Isn't all that I am asking you to tell them true? If so, isn't the risk worth it?
I have been in this exact same situation! My friend's son is the same age as mine and the differences in their behavior is very noticeable. I struggled for a long time as to say something or not. In the end, I decided to not say anything directly. However, when a door opened in our conversation once about the differences in our children's speech ability, I mentioned that I had noticed it. I also told her about a free service in our area that screens for developmental delays, etc. She just said, "huh!" and dropped it. I left it at that. In my case, my friend is a very involved mother and this is her second child. I am not an expert so will not bring it up again. I do, however, feel better about myself now that I mentioned the difference I see. Good luck!
It's obvious you care a great deal, but most people do not take kindly to being told their child may have a significant disability. I'm a child and family psychologist who specializes in working with families with children with special needs. I would suggest you never mention the autism at all - too shocking and upsetting. Instead, if an opportunity arises, you may mention ways this child is different from other 2.5 year olds you have worked with and ask them if they had noticed. You can then tell them a free evaluation is available to them to rule out any problems, by contacting the Child Find organization in your district. This way you will have discharged your feeling obligated to help this child and leave it up to the parents to follow through, which they may or may not do. Getting the child help is their responsibility not yours, whatever you think of their ability to do that. It's always a tough situation to be where you are, but no one can force them to recognize their child's needs. take care
Hi, I think you do need to say something and you might just get a reaction like with the people you nannies for, they were mad but then got help and that is what is important. Remember it's not about you and it's not about the parents, it's about the kid and their well being. As a first time mom myself I was put out when my 1 month had thrush and no one said anything and it transferred to me making breast feeding miserable for 3 weeks to the point I almost quit. I didn't find out what it was until I googles white tongue then everyone I talked to knew what it was and I was mad no one told me.
Anyway, if I was the parent I would me upset to hear my child might be autistic, but more out of worry and fear, but I would get my child tested. The early prevention is everything. Definitly tell them, let them know your concern, your past experience and credentials, and that they can get the child tested to see if the child is or not. As much as I might be upset about hearing, I would be furious to hear from others after finding out if my child was, "oh yeah, I thought they might've been.". So please tell. It's about the child sake not the parents or yours. Early prevention is the best.
I work with children with autism, and I happen to have a friend who is pregnant and is worried about this. She asked me to please tell her if I notice anything with her son. Maybe that is just her, but I think it is in the child's best interest to let the parents know that you think he should be screened. You don't have to say the word "autism" because that scares parents. You could just say you were wondering if the doctor had noticed anything, because you had noticed a few things, and you know how important early intervention is. It is still possible that the child is fine, because all kids develop differently. I would say better safe than sorry though, and even if your friend is mad at you, she will hopefully eventually recognize that you had her child's best interest at heart. Good luck. That is a tough situation!
Check out our latest post on Autism Awareness, part of our special Child Advocacy Month! http://sproutreviews.com/2010/04/13/child-advocacy-part-ii/
We are looking forward to our very first guest post this Thursday when Joanna from "The Story of Parenting a Child with Autism" gives us a real life look at family life with Autism.
Yes, I would tell your friend. If it will help the child out then it is best to tell the parents. Tell them what you know are red-flags for an autistic child and ask them if they see any of these red-flags in their child. Then suggest to them that they should have him get checked just so they can rule it out.
I would want to know if someone thought my child was autistic. This way the child can get help earlier.
I am sorry some mamas on here are not respectfully or tactfully saying what they are trying to say. Sometimes it is hard to read the tone of typed words:)
In my opinion I think you should look for an opportunity to tell her. I would prepare first by finding some resources for her to turn to, after you do tell her. Have that info with you every time you are with her.
The way that I would talk to her would be to make sure she is in a pleasant mood and a bit carefree, not feeling stressed. I would start out by saying something like, "My dear friend, I have something important I feel I need to tell you. I am a bit hesitant because I care so much for you and don't want to hurt your feelings. So please let me know when you think you are ready to hear it"
When giving criticism, or suggestions to anyone, you always want their permission. They will be more receptive, and feel like you are not attacking them but that you really do care. By approaching her this way the ball is in her court, she decides if she wants it or not. And you are still a good friend, because you have stated that you care about her feelings and it is up to her if she wants your observations.
When she is ready, I would then tell her that there are a few things that concern you about her child and then tell her why they are concerns. I would be careful not to give her child a label, if she is concerned and gets it checked out the docs can call it what it is. And you will still be the friend that was a bit concerned, but not calling it. Give her the resources so she has a place to go to get more info and not feel lost and alone in her situation. Offer her your assistance through all of it. Reassure her that it is possible there is nothing abnormal, but you know from experience that early intervention can do wonders for the child, better to be safe then sorry. Also reaffirm the fact that you are telling her because you love her child and her, and you would want the same treatment..
I agree that this is a very sensitive situation. If you are religious it wouldn't hurt to make it a matter of prayer, to find the right moment and the right words to use.
I hope that my friends would care about me as much as you care about yours.
Good luck
E.
That's a tough one. Your child will lose a friend, your sister will be guilty by association & her child will lose a friend... Does she know your background, that you have first-hand knowledge in the subject & have experience in dealing with an autistic child?
I think you could gently ease into the subject by reading some of Jenny McCarthy's books. She wrote Life's Laughs & started to address her son's autism in there. I read Mother Warriors, but I think that's beyond what your friend wants to be reading right now. She wrote at least 1 before that, find it, read it & ask if your friend has ever read any of her books. Maybe you could tell her that you're not trying to diagnose her son, but you are concerned that he's got a few (even if he's identical, say a few, it will ease the sting) of the behaviors your charge did & you know how important early intervention is & while you're not qualified to tell her that her son is autistic it might be helpful if he's evaluated. It could be that he's just a very quiet person (my son could sit still & be content for a long time, turns out he's ADHD & has some serious hyperfocus), but again, you know how important early intervention is in any childhood learning challenge & you wouldn't be a good friend if you didn't at least mention this to her. Maybe gift her a book about it for her to page through.
I'd say over & over "not an expert" & words like that. Give her hope "could be... but it doesn't hurt to mention it to the doc".
I hope it works out for you & that the friendships stay intact!
Parents may already know and be getting help, or they are in denial, or maybe they don't have a clue. You don't know which it is. Sounds like they would shoot the messenger so to speak if you were the first to bring this to their attention. There is also a wide range of what passes for normal, and although you have experience with one child, you can't make a diagnosis, all you can do is recommend they get their child evaluated and for all you know, they already have. For now, if I were you I'd bide my time, keep my ears open and not say anything at this point.
Shoot, I wrote a big old long answer and it's gone. I even tried copying and pasting, but it didn't work UGH!
You obviously care about this little boy, and if I were in the same position, I don't know how I could keep quiet! Without actually being in your situation, I feel like the boy's well-being is worth more than a few hurt feelings.
Unfortunately, my friend WAS in this position. She (a nurse) and her mom (who watched the boy at her in-home daycare) both suspected autism. She is very conscientious, so I imagine that she said it very tactfully, but her friend was supremely offended and hasn't spoken to them since. It's been about 8 years. She's so sad for losing a friend, and even worse, she doesn't know if her friend ever got her son evaluated, so she doesn't know if it was even worth it!
I think I would bring it up very gently. Some time when you're there with your friend and her son, you could say, "Have you noticed how he ______?" See what she says. If she seems open-minded, suggest that she ask her pediatrician about it. If not, keep your mouth shut for a few days or even weeks. Then bring up a different concerning behavior in the same way and suggest she ask her doctor about it. If she gets defensive or asks you why you're talking about this, you could say, "I don't know, maybe I'm just paranoid because a kid I used to nanny turned out to be autistic."
I'm sorry that you've gotten some nasty responses. There's no place for that. You obviously care about your friend and her son. Unfortunately, I worry that your friend will react like some of these women, immediately getting offended and closing their mind to the possibility that her son isn't perfect. Good luck!
I read through a few more responses, and had to add that if your friend already suspects, then she'll likely be open to discussing it. If she already knows, but just isn't broadcasting it, then she'll likely talk to you about it. So why would you keep your mouth shut on the off-chance that she knows?
I agree with Tiffany W. If you can do this with just the two of you (maybe leave your sister out of it, so that she may be able to smooth things over if she does take offense?). Or the ped is a good thought too.
If you can do this in a calm caring way, letting her know that you are really trying to do what is best for her and her son, by letting her know, but that you understand if she doesn't see it, doesn't want to accept it. But that you have seen some warning signs, and maybe she should watch for those. Everyone likes to assume that the parents know so that they don't have to get involved, but most parents are in denial, even if they see the signs. The odds are so much better when they are diagnosed early, I think that you owe it to your friend and her son.
You should also write it down, so that if she does take offense and "kick you out", you can let her know that you understand, you won't mention it again, but please read this letter, I have the best of intentions. And let her bring it up.
Good luck. And I am sorry that you have gotten such rude responses on this site. I'm glad that I read that before reading through all of them.
"blah,blah,blah"Is it your friend or isn't it?Friends are for life aquaintances are just that,they come and they go.That child has to remain with his condition for the rest of his/her life regardless.Buck up and do what is right little lady. Either you have a friend who will need you for this road ahead and you will be there for her,or you won't?
Next play group, introduce autism & signs into casual conversation. Maybe have a brochure lying around as just a "study material" and source of conversation. "Oh, that? I just picked it up at the docs office at my child's last checkup....kind of interesting....."
Good luck! Make sure whatever you do, it's clear how much you care for this child!
Patty W. has a wonderful summary of advice for you. I encourage you to talk with your friend, so long as you can be modest and kind as Patty W. suggests. Be careful of your tone when you talk about examples of this child's behavior; I sensed your judgement about the child being content to play in his crib until the parents *decide* to get up at 10am.
Depression, attachment disorder, sensory processing disorder, mental retardation, fetal alcohol, so many potential issues for this child.... even if you are "very familiar" with autism, you are likely not "very familiar" with all potential conditions that cause a child to be content playing in his crib. Is it possible that you are jealous that their child is "easy"?
On a side note, I read all of the responses, and I couldn't find any that were rude or sarcastic. Did you delete them? I agree with Ina G.... if you ask for advice, brace for it.
ps - "Autistic" isn't a word that we legally can use to describe a person. Person First language requires that we say "a person with autism." I just wanted to share... from one person "very familiar" with autism to another.....
Hi - Sorry I havent read all the posts - I can imagine the varied responses you've received. I believe you when you say you can recognize autism because you've see in up close and in action.
I encourage you to talk with your friend. I think of it this way - either she will be mad at you now or she will be mad at you when she finds out that you knew but didnt tell her.
Tell her about Child Find if you havent already - there is definitely an office in Boulder. If you cant find it, call Developmental Pathways ###-###-#### for a referral in your county. She can have her son tested for free and if he qualifies, they will help with treatment. Tell her that if he's fine, then he's fine and you will buy her a really big dinner. If he's not fine - then he can get treatment and you've been a good friend and helped her son.
You are definitely in a rough situation but you said one thing that reminds me of what is important here - the child. So what if you are in the same social groups, or if you or your sister will be uncomfortable. If this child will be better off with a different approach to his development then don't let him down, you have to tell the mother.
It needs to be just you and her, no distractions. You need to come at it from the angle of caring for her child and keep driving that home. You don't need to offer extensive information, just quick and too the point. In short; what have you observed, what you have experienced as a nanny, what she needs to do for early diagnosis. As you know, she will be upset, she may even freak out on you. Our children are our life, our precious beings and the last thing we want to know is that our friends notice something wrong with our children.
All that being said, you could always just call her pediatrician and let him/her know of your concerns and that due to the delicate nature you didn't want to offend your friend. In other words you want to remain anonymous.
Whatever you do, you just make sure that little boy has a good start in life. Even if your friend ends up hating you, you need to remember that inside she will be happy that she was able to help her son out.
Good luck!
I think you should talk with the boy's mother (or both parents if the father is there too). I understand your concern about your friendship, but I also think that you are in the position to help the child. Like you explained, getting early intervention can make such a huge difference, so it is important that you do what you can to help him get the evaluation, and if necessary the help, that he needs. The boy's well-being should be the priority here, especially for his mother. You are clearly very caring and I would hope that in time, that the parents would come to appreciate your motivation.
I didn't read other resonses, but I did read your whole question. It sounds like you are really trying to see this from both sides :). You also are aware of how tricky a situation you are in.
I had a teacher tell me my son "might" have aspergers (among other things he "might" have). I was offended, but a lot of that came from her attitude - and the fact that she would rather label him than work with him and what I know (and told her) works for him. (The doc & I agree it is not aspergers, just ADHD mixed with emotional immaturity). Yeah, we switched him to a school and teacher who were more understanding.
But that's not what you're trying to do. You are honestly concerned about the child. And you are a friend, so it will be easier to hear than from someone else. I would gently bring up the topic with something like "I noticed than Jonny doesn't seem to interact the way most kids do. Have you noticed that?" If it's their first, they may think it's entirely normal and you could be letting them know that there's something a bit off. If they get defensive about it (like some parents do), don't push the subject further at that time. But if they are willing to communicate, let them know that you've worked with kids with autism and there are some indicators. Ask them if they've talked at all with the doc (even if you're sure they haven't, it keeps them open) and suggest that they might want to ask about it.
It's going to kind of depend on how close of friends you are. But if you come at it with a frame of concern and understanding the parents are more likely to be open. Even if they aren't, you can apologize for "interfering" (if that's how they see it) and drop the subject. At the very least, they've heard the idea and it might come back around to them at some later time.
Personally, I would not say anything unless asked for my opinion. Then I would be very gentle in suggesting an evaluation.
Even though you have experience working with an autistic child, you are in no way qualified to make a diagnosis. I cannot in any way see you bringing this up yourself to the parents and having any sort of positive reaction from them.
It's really none of your business. Like others have said, the parents may already know and are in denial or they may already know but choose not tell anyone.
I would recommend not saying anything, many families do know that there child is on the autism spectrum but decide not to share that information with anyone. I have worked with many families struggling with autism and it is a very sensitive subject as you already know :)
I would not say anything. Unless you are a developmental specialist, even though you have experience with autistic kids, it's really not your place to diagnose this child.
My guess is that the parents are taking him to regular well child visits and may already have a diagnosis or might be working with a physician or other specialist on getting one.
Just because the do not identify their son as autistic to you or other friends, doesn't mean they don't have a clue. They may just consider their child's health a private matter, which it is...
And just a little edit after your follow up: Your subject line asks "to say something or not?". You solicit an opinion, you get one. You may not agree with it, which is fine - but if you don't want to hear an honest opinion, maybe you should not ask in the first place.
