My son has had feeding issues since birth. It took a whole month before he figured out how to nurse. At 9 months old he had fallen off the growth chart and had to have a feeding tube. He has had this tube to this day and he is almost 6. His whole life he has struggled with textures and eating enough quantity. His weight has always been bad and he has been in the <5 percentile his whole life basically. So he finally hit a point where he'd climbed to the 20th percentile and we had freedom to cut back on tube feeding and allow him to orally feed more in hopes that one day he can get it out. He also has Autism.
Eating problems are such a pervasive problem and something I have had to battle with him for almost 6 years. I can't even tell you how emotional I was when I was trying to get him to nurse and he wouldn't. I am a single mom and I'm tired. I have battled every meal with him for years. I don't care what he eats. I figure function over form (a concept I learned in school, where what does it matter HOW they do something as long as they do it?). I will make him carrots and stick them in the blender so they are a smooth consistency. They are still fresh carrots, but he is eating them differently. I can also sneak in calories by adding whole milk and butter to this creation. He loves it! He also loves baby rice cereal (another easy one to sneak calories in). He will eat fish prepared normally. He is also required to drink 6 cans of pediasure per day (8 oz per can).
So one day, my friends daughter and my son were eating pb toast and drinking milk. She had milk, my son had pediasure. He didn't want to eat his toast and I told him that he had to drink all his pediasure and call it good. I could tell my friend did not approve at all. I feel like I am always have to explain myself and I am sick of it. It's my problem, it's my child. I see a GI team about it and they don't seem to care. I feel like I am SO freaking tired of it. I don't care if he doesn't eat what other kids eat. All I care about is that he gets his calories and keeps his weight up and stays healthy. I can tell she thinks its a behavior/parenting problem, but I feel like it's a problem that was so pervasive that he had a tube surgically placed. A newborn doesn't not eat b/c they are being bad.
I'm just sick of people who have NO idea what it feels like to have a child who does NOT eat. It's hard to understand, but food just is absolutely not reinforcing to him like other kiddos. I feel like I get judged as a parent. I am trying my hardest and I feel like it's our business and we see the proper medical care for it. Why can't everyone just let me feed him as I choose and worry about themselves?
@ bug I don't think you can say whether or not he will or will not stay healthy on his regime of 6 cans of pediasure per day. The amount has been calculated by a dietitian and GI Dr, so I trust their judgement. As I stated in the post, I see an entire GI team about his nutrition which includes, GI Dr, psychologist, SLT, OT, dietitian, etc. They have been in our lives his whole life and our central goal is to keep him healthy.
I am not one to mince words, R..
"Listen, Jane. My son was on a feeding tube for 6 years. THIS is what he will eat. I go to a GI doctor all the time and we are working on his eating. When YOU have a degree in childhood eating issues, then we'll talk. Until then, keep your opinions, that I did not ask for, to yourself. Please pass the salt."
I just want to send you a hug. Don't worry about with your "friend" thinks about your son's eating habits. It sounds like you are doing everything you need to. You are seeing medical professionals for your son's issues and obviously they feel that you are doing a fine job. I think that as long as he is healthy and keeping his weight then all is good.
Because in this world there are all sorts of people with opinions. You'll never be completely free from this.
So, just ignore the comments and let it go. Sounds to me like your doing the best you can for your son. Which is what every parent does, when it comes down to it. Let the comments go and move on....
Wow. I can't imagine people being so inconsiderate as to judge you for your son's feeding regimen. It seems pretty clear to me that any child who is on tube feeding has a medical issue that would be none of my business. Additionally, feeding problems (oral aversions, texture issues etc.) seem to be such a routine part of Autism that I'm surprised that your friend doesn't seem to get it.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. That said, you wrote that "I can tell she thinks..." She didn't actually say anything - perhaps that's not what she thinks? Is there any chance you were projecting your own (very understandable) frustration and exhaustion onto her? Could you simply have a conversation with her about this, perhaps saying "the other day when the kids were having a snack I felt like you were judging me about his eating habits even though you didn't say anything. Maybe I was imagining it, but it would be really helpful for me to know that you really understand that this is a medical issue and that you support me because sometimes I feel like people are judging me." And then see what she says - maybe she'll surprise you with her response? I just think that someone in your position needs lots of support and friendship and if you feel defensive, you're not going to get the love and support that you need, so open up the conversation, let her (and others) know what you feel and what you need from them, answer questions, put their fears and judgments to rest.
Unfortunately, people always think they are experts when it comes to parenting and having a unique child will always make people think that you need advice or judgement.
As for this situation, I guess it comes down to how much you value her friendship? If you find that it is worth the trouble, you might offer her something to read about his condition. The best cure I have found to ignorance is information. She might turn into a strong support for you and your son if you gave her the chance.
If the friendship is not worth the effort or she is not willing to learn, then I agree that cutting the negativity out of your life is the best thing to do.
Just remember, it is hard to let things go when they are repetitively thrown in your face, but sometimes a less than perfect friend is better than no support at all.
I applaud your love and concern for your son and I think your story is amazing <3
The thing is, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. You know that you are doing what the doctors have told you to do. Did your friend question you, or give you a look? When people just give a look or raise their eyebrows, I would completely ignore it. If they question you, come up with a brief answer that you can give everyone such as: "He's has never been able to eat normally. He has a feeding tube, and I am following the guidelines given to me by his doctors". End of story. Hang in there!
A friend's son has, for various reasons, been on a feeding tube his whole life and has feeding issues similar to your son. They are working with a therapist to get him to try new textures and eat more normally in part because they want him to be more independent as he gets older. They have two parents, one with a medical background, and it's still a struggle.
I would simply say that your son has GI issues and you are seeing specialists. It's true and that's all she needs to know. I would ask the specialists about texture aversions and therapy. I would also probably look for some sort of support group for myself if I were in your shoes. I realize you don't have a lot of time, but maybe if there's one through the hospital where he can get some therapy and you can get some emotional support it will be win-win.
Hang in there. You have a lot on your plate, no pun intended.
If this person is you friend then maybe you need to tell her, nicely, how you feel. I bet she's just confused/concerned about why a 6 yr old would need pureed veggies or be told it's ok not to eat but to drink his Pediasure.
Obviously you're son's eating habits aren't "normal" and people tend to question things - I think more out of curiosity than blame.
Yes, you are doing what you think is best for your son. And you're doing it under medical supervision. This has been your "normal" with him.
Just try to understand your friend's concern without blowing up at her.
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Added: I'm kind of surprised at how angry people are towards your friend. You didn't say she yelled at you or your son. All you said is, "I can tell she thinks..." I guess I'll be more aware of my own looks or comments around other parents. I thought friends talked about these things, without condemnation. I guess I was wrong.
Your friend is out of line. One thing people never seem to learn is that you should NOT judge your friends if you want to keep them! NO matter what they are doing! And keep your suggestions to yourself unless someone asks you for help! I mean, griping about parenting styles is what nice, anonymous, mampedia is for!
My best friend and I have this concept down to a science. When we hang out, our parenting styles are nothing alike. Her kids are free range and bratty. They don't have to do anything she says, they interrupt, they say nasty things at the dinner table, they're always making noise for attention, etc etc etc. She doesn't mind it. She sits calmly by, secure in the knowledge that "that's just how kids act". It doesn't even stress her out. I think she's nuts, but I know she doesn't approve if one of my kids needs to be removed from the scene for a swat for being rude or defiant. Actually, I don't even know it, I just assume it because she doesn't do it, but she has never tried to make me feel BAD for it. And I've never shot her a look for letting her son hammer a hole in the wall, while she was sitting right there telling him to stop banging on the wall.
The REASON we have fun together, is that neither one of us tries to convince the other of anything parenting wise, or gives any dirty looks, etc. We just stick to girl talk in line with how we did for the 15 years we were friends BEFORE we had kids.
No matter what you're judging for, you're wrong to tell your friend what to do or make them feel bad. That is what your friend is doing. She needs to butt out of how your child eats. You're right, she has not walked a mile in your shoes.
People are really weird about food, so I feel for you. I'm one of those, "I don't really care if they eat" parents. If they don't eat their food, they don't get anything until next meal. End of story. I don't care. As long as they sit nicely at the table until everyone is done. But my husband, relatives etc, FREAK OUT if they don't clean their plates and make it a DINNER DRAMA. Drives me nuts. Why do people CARE?
I would explain this to her one more time, prefaced by: "I don't need to defend myself, but, my son has X eating issues, and that's all I can say, so please don't pressure me about this." If you ignore it, and intend to stay friends, she's just going to keep doing it, but if she's just ignorant (but a nice person) and didn't realize she was wrong, this should stop her.
I agree with the other posters. You just have to let go of what other people think and know that you are doing what is best for your child. It takes a lot of empathy to see things from another perspective instead of judging and a lot of folks don't have this.
If this is a friend you want to spend time with and have a good relationship with invite her out without kids and casually explain during the conversation all the struggles you have had and all the work you are doing with the doctors. This may help her understand where you are coming from and make your time spent together more enjoyable for you.
Although, honestly, you have no obligation to explain your parenting to this person, but if you are friends it may even help you to talk about it and it may help her be a better friend also.
If she is just an acquaintance or fair-weather friend or you just don't want to have to discuss it, then don't. It's none of her business.
People have a tendency to think they know what's best for someone else for no other reason except that they know what worked for them. What others say, think or feel CAN'T matter to you. You know for yourself that there are so many more issues surrounding his eating habits that your friend doesn't understand. She hasn't had your experiences, so therefore, her opinions have no merit. Find a way to free yourself from the cloud of outsider's judgement, and rely on the confidence you have from a lifetime of mothering YOUR child. It's easy to tell you to let it go, but I'm sure it's hard to hear that when you're looking for connections and understanding from other moms. Have you considered checking into a play group designed for kiddos with your son's same feeding issues? Maybe check with his doctors or nursing staff for resources in your area. Either way, count those hash opinions up to their ignorance, and realize they have no experience to base them on. Don't let them matter.
This may sound harsh but I'd ditch the friend. You have enough to worry about. I think you are an awesome mom!! keep up the good work. Surround yourself with people who understand. Let anything else fall by the way side. We're not superhero's and sometimes we are vulnerable and judgments hurt. THere are certain times more than others when it's just hard to hear. Save your energy for your child and don't worry about this so called friend. I couldn't have somene lurking around my life with a negative eye. Would drive me crazy. Don't have the energy to deal it with or explain anything. Those that you allow close to you "should just know". Those are your real friends. Makes me sad thinking about it actually. Seems you are doing everything you can and you have Drs involved and you're doing the right thign for your child. Then there is a judgmental ninny throwing her vibe around. Ug. Wouldn't work in my life and I'd have to let her go because she just doesn't get it.
Hang in there mama ((((Hugs)))))
Are you sure that you didn't misinterpret/misread her facial expression as feeling bad about what you and your son have to go through when it comes to meals and eating? Is she aware of his food issues and that he has a G-tube?
This is already a very sensitive subject for you and I can tell you already feel like you've failed when you refer to food issues as a "battle" with your son. Trust me, he's not ever done this willingly. He has problems that he can't control and needs help with, not battling. There's no choice or battle involved for him. I know that you know this all intellectually but emotionally, it's raw. I know this because I have a daughter with some serious Sensory Processing/Integration Disorder that affects her eating and puts her in the lower percentiles for height and weight. I know that internal logic/emotional struggle in myself.
Anyway, have you ever actually talked to your friend about the eating issues? Even just to vent to her, you can educate her a bit about the troubles you've had. But if she's aware then I sincerely doubt she's judging you. I think it's more likely that what you saw as judgment was you misreading her and projecting your own upset and self-flagellation onto her. I think you're judging yourself, and I think that in spite of what you've said, you're upset that he's not eating age-appropriately with his peers. You wouldn't be human if it didn't bother you.
I don't know what you are going through, so I'm not even going to pretned I can relate. I simply can't. Have you spoken with your Dr. about your son getting 6 cans a day? He might keep his weight, but he will NOT stay healthy on 6 cans a day. I'm sorry, he just won't. Have you thought of seeking a behaviorist? They can teach you ways to transition out of the pediasure and onto to other foods. The biggest problem will be, that he is used to "As long as you drink this, it's OK." He knows he doesn't have to eat, so perhaps a trained specialist can get him out of that mentality.
I did not say any of that in a judgmental manner. I know you've got your hands full, so that's why a professional helping you a long can really be beneficial. My nephew is on the autism spectrum (among other disorders) and they have to take him to a specialist to get him to eat food. He is REALLY improving and my sister's life is so much more peaceful.
P.S.
Sorry, I realize I wasn't clear on my statement. I meant long term...like years. I didn't mean currently, or for a while...or anything like that. I certainly don't know what plan you have him on!! The only reason I suggested a behaviorist (who specializes in food sensitivities, texture issues, pickiness, aversions, etc.) is because we've seen in help my nephew so much. He went from being on a feeding tube, to now eating food...in just a year. A bulk of his diet was pediasure for just about a year. The doctors didn't feel comfortable having him on it for years, so they suggested a behaviorist. It has really helped!! Sorry I wasn't more clear.
