Friend or Enemy??

It does sound as though she is taking advantage of you. Does she go out and party? Is she still "growing up"? Is she having problems she does not want her kids to pick up on? I am all for helping people that need it but if they are just going out and partying then some line must be drawn.
Don't give in every weekend. You L. her kids and you are doing it for them. You show them stability and true family. The next time ask her if she can bring some food for them. Just let her know you are a little short this payday and it would help you out.

Set boundaries. This means say," no I can't this weekend." Read "boundaries". When we set boundaries, we don't feel used or frustrated. You can even tell her the next weekend, "We have plans." The next, "Sorry, I can't keep them. We are spending family time together this weekend." None of it is lying. I don't believe in lying.

I would look on your calendar and find at least 2 dates that you need a sitter and ask her to watch your kids on either date. If she says no to both dates and doesn't offer to watch them another day, you can say something like it would be great to trade off babysitting, maybe another date and you need to get back to her with another date. If no dates will work for her for the next 4 months and she doesn't ever offer to babysit, then you know she is just using you as a sitter.

If you want to continue to babysit to see the kids, I'd be very selective about how often you babysit. You decide how often you are willing to do it (once a month or 2 times a month or every other month). Stick to it.

When you agree to babysit, tell her an exact time to pick up the kids. If she doesn't pick them up at the agreed time, then the next time she asks to babysit, say yes if she can pick them up at the designated time. There has to be consequences. If you set the boundries, she will agree or you don't babysit. And you can say it nicely. Like, I need you to pick up the kids between 10-10:30am. If she asks why, say I have other things I need to do that day. If she questions you, then you can say, Sorry. I really can't babysit if you can't pick them up between 10 and 10:30am. If she balks at the terms then you can always give her the name of your babysitter, who she'd have to pay if she cannot be more respectful of your wishes. You are doing her a favor, so favors mean that they should be reciprocated or at the very least be respectful of your time. You can always say no.

Practice on your husband before telling her. If your husband is willing, he can set the boundries with her and tell her these things since it is his sister. But don't avoid making the change. It just gets worse with time. Good luck!

My favourite piece of advice I share with parents all the time:

Never put up with anything for 17 seconds that you have no intention of putting up with for 17 years.

Why wouldn't she continue to use her sister-in-law doormat babysitting service, since it's freely available? Why would she offer to pay for food when you have never asked for a contribution? Why would she limit what is clearly working for her, when she has absolutely no reason to believe it isn't completely acceptable to you --she has more evidence on her side than you do.

If she phones and you do not want to continue with the 'deal' you didn't sign however long ago this whole thing started, say 'no.' Say 'for a few hours, but I'll bring them back before dinner because I can't afford to feed anyone extra this week.' Say 'they can't stay the night because we have plans early tomorrow morning.' Say 'it doesn't work this weekend.'

If she demands to know why, ask her how her day's going, or if she's started Christmas shopping yet, or if she's seen her mom lately.

You do not have to answer anyone but the FBI --and then only on official investigations.

I was going to respond with some advice until I read the other responses. They say it all!!

say NO.......or "i was thinking that since i always take your kids that you should take mine"

I am with Linda.You are being a doormat with welcome on it.You are the only one that can control this.Not fair to your family either.

Beat her to the punch and send your kids to her for the weekend and go do something with your husband--maybe even just rent a movie and spend some time with him w/o the kids.

Sounds like you need to either speak up, or just start saying no sometimes. It doesn't have to be a fight. One time when she says "can you watch the kids", just say sure, but would you mind bringing a couple of pizzas for everyone for dinner, that would sure make things easier. See what she says. Another time say, "I'm sorry, I am just wiped out. I don't think I could handle one more kid tonight". Another time say "no problem, but I'll need you to pick them up by 8PM or 10AM or whatever." you just need to set the boundaries and not let her do what she wants. SHe's asking you for help, so just set the limits.

This is easy. Tell her you can't because you want some time to yourself. Learn to set your boundaries. She may be taking advantage of you -but only because you are letting her. Read self-help book on setting boundaries and standing up for yourself. Also, if you do watch her kids...just ask her to bring some food with them and tell her what you would like her to bring. Don't be embarrased! You are helping her out, it is the least she can do. If she gets mad (?) oh, well. That would show she is using you and you are better off and you aren't watching her kids all the time, right?

Learn how to say "no", and if you do decide to be generous with your time you need to let her know up front what she needs to bring, and what time she needs to pick her kids up. She'll get mad, but she'll get over it. It's okay to tell your family "No" sometimes. Especially if you feel like you're being used. Don't let her use the kids as a guilt trip either!

Dear J.,
You are inabaleing you sister-in-law to keep using by just keeping on keeping the children. People will use us just as long as we let them.If she is really your friend she will understand. If she gets mad and all upset, she wasn't your friend anyway.Sometime we inable people to use us by always doing what they want instead of saying no sometimes.
Good luck and God Bless
J. G

I suggest, say No every once and a while. Also, you could ask her to return the favor occasionally.

My daughter was in your situation. Always babysitting for her sister in law. Unfortunately her children had NO discipline at all and my daughter finally got tired of trying to raise her 3 children and her sister in laws kids too. She had them almost every weekend. She finally just told her sister in law she couldn't babysit anymore. She said that it was just too much having that many kids at one time. She told her she was busy trying to raise her own children and didn't have time to raise someone else's also. It actually ended up OK. Her sister in law finally just found a babysitter and started paying her to watch her kids and her and my daughter remained on good terms. I'd probably start out telling her you are sorry but you have plans and go from there.

I would offer to switch off with her one night every other weekend. Then it will make her feel similar feelings, like having to say, "no" or "yes" and realizing how much of a burden (and joy) it can be. Since you don't mind doing every once in a while, this will allow you to still help her, L. on her kids, AND give you your own time too as well as let your sister in law realize what all you do for her. If you aren't comfortable w/ her watching your kids, then just talk to her about it, or tell her "no, sorry, but I promised to spend some time with just my kiddos this weekend" or whatever. How doesn your husband feel about all this? God bless you for being good with kids, though and for being there for others!

I watch my neice full time, so her mom hardly ever asks me to watch her on the weekend, but she asks everyone else. One time she was out of options and said she desperately wanted to get out of the house that weekend, so I offered her to do a switch off (I only have 1 daughter as well), but funny how if it meant she would have to "pay me back" or watch both kids one night, she didn't seem to want the night off anymore, maybe the same will happen to you. If she realizes each time she asks you to do her a favor that you might expect it in return, maybe she won't ask so much :)

Please don't be resentful of your sister-in-law. She asked, and you said yes. You are perfectly capable of saying 'No', or if you tell her you can babysit, let her know what time she needs to pick her kids up.

You are training her to take advantage of you and then resenting her for it. Not fair. People only use you if you let them.

I completely agree with Linda C. Maybe next time she asks you could respond that you were thinking of asking her to watch your kids for that night, that it has been months since you and your husband went out, and that you really feel like you have not been cashing in all the IOU's that have accumulated in your child swap arrangement.

Hi J.,

I feel your pain. People who take advantage of other people SUCK! I do agree that you are an enabler, since you allow this to happen every weekend, however, I too have a hard time saying no, so I understand why you keep saying yes to your SIL. In the past, it was just easier for me to say yes all the time, even though deep down I wanted to say no. People are mean and will take advantage whenever they can. Myself, on the other hand, would NEVER take advantage of anyone, no matter how easy it may be. Shame on your SIL for taking advantage of her own SIL!! The time has come to start saying NO to your SIL all the time. Tell her you will no longer be babysitting for her children, and that she will need to make other arrangements for them. That's it - you are DONE. Politely tell her that you are too tired and don't have enough energy anymore to care for both your kids and hers. Wish her good luck in finding a new babysitter. That's it! You are done. In the future, stop saying yes so much - it's perfectly acceptable to politely say no! I learned that from past experience. Good luck and let us know what happens!

Your the only person who has control of who takes advantage of you. You have to not feel bad for the kids and just say no. If she isnt willing to compromise then you need to put your foot down and say no. If she isnt willing to baby sit for you or bring food for the kids ect then you shouldnt give in to her and just watch the kids every weekend. So try and stand your ground and just let her know that this is how its going to be. You dont have to be mean about it just firm about your choice. Good luck hope it all works out.

I L. the advice about telling this girl that you are exhausted and really don't have the energy to care for both your kids and hers. That sounds accurate to me and I don't see how she can come up with any rebuttal that shows anything but disrespect for you and your needs which would completely fly in the face of her "oh, we are such good friends" stance. Now, I don't call it an act because, after all, you just may be pleasantly surprised when she offers conscientiously to take over this weekend. However you will know the sad truth if she gets an attitude or worse tries to coerce you into doing the job anyway. If this happens I hope you will stick to your guns.

Warning, since she *knows* you L. her kids and they are friends, sometimes, disrespectful people will use a situation like that to punish everyone until they get their way. If that happens, (knock on wood that it doesn't) try to remember that nothing lasts forever. Sounds like you NEED a BREAK, L. yourself enough to give yourself one ***guilt-free***.

Let us know what happens?? Please??

Best of luck, sister!

T.

just stop doing it. The word "no" is in the English language for a reason. If she is using you, it is because you allow her to. Do not allow yourself to be her doormat any more. Just say NO!! If she doesn't like it and gets mad, so what. Either she'll get over it or not; that decision is hers. It is your choice whether or not to keep being used. Just take a deep breath and let her know this will no longer be tolerated. Good luck and God bless!

Just tell her that it seems to you that this watching kid stuff is all one sided and from now on it would have to equal up., i.e. take turns. She has yours and her kids one weekend and visa versa. After all, you would like some free weekends too, even if it is just to go to the park, movie or shopping - get a breather.