Former Career Woman, Now Full Time SAHM

Hi...I am 54 years old, have 3 children and a stepson. I was a SAHM for my first 2, then after a divorce, I had to go back to work. While I was home, I also ran a home day care for 20 years...as way to make money, and still be at home with my own. I NEVER regretted it! And, you are "making a contrabution to society", by raising happy, healthy, well adjusted children, that will grow into responsible adults!!!

Oh, the grass is always greener...!

I think one thing you need to do, my friend, is to stop making comparisons. Some of those FB friends may be looking at you and thinking, "Golly, I wish I were doing what she's doing." But... so what?

You've been in the career world, and you know it isn't always what it seems. If some people you know seem to be doing well in that world now and then, can you be happy for them?

You have chosen a different career. It is not considered prestigious (although it's rated more highly than it used to be, I think). You don't have a salary to measure your worth by. You won't get your name in the news. But you're learning about the ups and downs of what you're doing now, and basically you're doing it pretty well.

You don't have to *perform" at it; you just have to do the best you know how right now. If you'd like to be a better cook, see what you can learn online - or find a friend to take a class with and then find a sitter to take care of both/all your children while you go to the class. Or you could be *really* retro, buy a small sewing machine, and start to learn slowly about sewing. It could turn out to be fun and creative for you. If you feel a need to be growing intellectually, figure out what you want to learn and get some non-fluff books from the library.

Measuring your success by somebody else's career yardstick or even somebody else's mirror is an sure-fire invitation to depression.

You don't need more than one child to make being a homemaker worthwhile (when you re-read your post I think you'll see that your brain wasn't working when you wrote that). Maybe your baby will have brothers and sisters some time, but making you worthwhile is not any baby's job description. You're worthwhile already, and doing worthwhile work. How many children and spouses are there in your area who don't have what you're giving to your family right now?

Maybe you need a different definition of "success" - it does not have to be all about achievements, salaries, and moving up the corporate ladder. You have chosen to take this path with your life and be a mother to your son when he needs you the most. You can think about returning to work when he is in school, but what should really matter is if you are living a life that is fulfilling to you and gives you satisfaction. Being a SAHM shouldn't mean that you have to be a Domestic Goddess. If you wish you were a better cook, take some classes, or find another hobby that you could enjoy. Or think about doing volunteer work. Sometims we get so consumed with being "perfect" at what we do we don't cut ourselves some slack and recognize when something is "good enough". There are days I feel like Super-Mom and there are days I can't seem to get much of anything accomplished and I figure, hey, my daughter is alive, fed, and happy, and the house is still standing - I am ordering a pizza and calling it a day.

Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. In the end, all that matters is what you think. Let your son's development and wellbeing your definition of success now. Remember that he loves you no matter what, and they are only little for a little while.

I'm 38 just had my first child he is 15 months old, I lost my job in February. Until then I worked and I had always wanted to be a SAHM. It is hard to see your peers going about their lives while you are home alone for long periods of time with your child. It makes you feel isolated for you can barely use the bathroom without little one right there.
But when you see how much your child has grown and flourished under your care and you get to experience the firsts that you may have missed if he was in daycare, it's totally worth it. Having those experiences and memories is what it's all about, the best success there is a healthy, smart little person that loves you very much.

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I think you need to decide what you want. Do you want to go back to work? Then you should do so - for the right reasons. If business success equals personal success to you then by all means - go for it. Your family will not suffer because you decide that having a career is important to you. Many women work for personal fulfillment and have families that thrive.

If personal success means something else to you entirely, then you need to decide what that means. If that means you need to go back to school - do it. You'll be better for it!

You can learn how to cook - take a class. I have recipe books and I keep a binder full of recipes that I've cut out of magazines or printed off the internet. Following recipes is easy - this you can do.

Stop checking FB if it depresses you. Seriously. Deactivate your account if you can't stay away. I have friends that do this all the time - they go away and come back.

Check out volunteering opportunities in your area. It doesn't have to be child-related either. Maybe a local animal shelter could use you a few hours a week. How about reading to the blind? Is there something in your community that you would like see changed? Get involved.

Get more involved with those mom groups or start your own. Once your child is in school, your volunteering opportunities skyrocket. Sit in on school board meetings - join your local home & school org. As my kids have gotten older, I've gotten more involved in the schools and the community. It's a full-time job. I go from meeting to meeting, volunteer in my kids' schools and am on various committees (home & school sponsored activities). My friend is on the board of her kids' preschool co-op. We always are sharing ideas about what we can do to help.

Bottom line: There are opportunities if you open your eyes to see them. Volunteering is good for the soul. Sounds like you could use some soul food.

Good luck.

As a former professional I finally gave up trying to keep my toes in both worlds. If I had to err on the side of caution I would rather risk a career than my kids.

Once I almost missed my child's birthday party because of a client emergency. Another time I had a car accident rushing around for work, right before Christmas. All I could think was that I almost left my little babies without a mommy. That's when I knew I was done, at least full-time anyway. God spoke to my heart that day.

So don't beat yourself up. I've been homeschooling for 4.5 years now, and sometimes I feel like a fraudulent domestic goddess myself - it's really not my thing, though I do LOVE educating my kids. I'm just not energized by cooking, and certainly not cleaning.

If you were working you'd probably feel you were missing too much in your child's life. Especially when you have only one, you don't want to miss a minute, at least that's my opinion. Of course different options work for different women.

Good luck - I would try to find a good book club, or women's charity group, that would interest you but not be too much at this stage in your life. It goes so quickly - mine are 17 & 14 and I'm more thankful than ever to have been with them for the better part of the last decade.

It sounds like you need to leave your past in the past and focus on the here and now. Rather than check up on your former colleagues you need to invest more time in your current life and maybe invest more of yourself in the moms groups and your son.

Your success as a mom will never be measured by titles, paychecks, or promotions. It sounds like you need to come to terms with that. How many of thsoe 'successful' colleagues would love to trade you places?

I am not sure which moms' clubs you belong to but I especially like Mothers and More because they consist of a lot of professional women that altered their career path (in some way or another) to raise their family. So you do feel like you are with your peers.

I don't think it matters whether you have one child or more. Your job is just as important and you ARE succeeding at one of the toughest jobs you'll ever have.

Some encouragement...

You spent 16 years in corporate world and only 3 yrs in mommy world, give yourself some time to thaw out!

Being a mommy does not mean you have to be home all day doing that..Find activities to do with your child to make it more of a transition until you get bored and tired with that.

You are an older M., you have invested all you could invest in the working world, be proud of that. Your friends are successful because they have to be in their "world" to survive. You are successful in your world now to survive and that includes shaping your child into what YOU would want him/her to become in a couple years. It is no longer about you, it is about YOUR child and his/her future. So your new role should be focused on finding the right environment, school, church, finances to balance all that out so that you don't see yourself as a failure.

You are NOT a failure because you became a M.. You are in transition from the working world to the mommy world. Stay busy and don't let your mind wander to think that success comes from being out there only. It can come from investing in your child's life as well. Who said that cooking, cleaning and laundry was all that SAHM moms do..it's part of it, but you can certainly find fulfillment by having a plan and working toward it.

You will be fine.

Please, stop judging your own success in terms of what others are doing. You were thrilled be able to stay at home, and you are doing important work with your little one, even if you don't feel like you're Martha Stewart. Your biggest success really is in what you are doing with him. You've said that you love staying home, that you didn't really like the full-time career thing. It's natural to see what other people are doing and compare yourself to them. But it's not healthy.

My story is similar to yours. I suggest finding volunteer work -- it can be very rewarding and those FB friends might even feel a little envious that you are able to spend time "making a difference". ;)

Nonprofits need volunteers more than ever. The downturn in the economy means there are more needy people, less fundraising opportunities, and government cuts. Check out a site like www.volunteermatch.org to find something that works for you. If you aren't a "hands-on" sort, you can even contact organizations and see if they need administrative help, which can often be done from home.

If you are looking from some prestige, you can even join an organization's board. You can really make whatever you want of it! Good luck.

I think you may be my long-lost soul sister. I’ve been home a bit longer than you, but I understand where you are coming from and have shared the same feelings.

I hear about previous coworkers who have soared to VP positions at Fortune 100 companies and it does make me feel insecure sometimes. In those moments, I feel somewhat envious – especially when I never considered them as especially intelligent or particularly competent. (But you know the power of corporate politics!!) When I feel this way, I have to look back at my career with hard, cold hindsight...in my case, I was so fed-up and disgusted by the direction of my corp. that I had completely checked-out long before I actually resigned. I just didn’t care anymore. So, in my own small way, I did it to myself and am 99% sure I wouldn’t be in those positions if I hadn’t left. When I started checking-out, I knew that I would be trying to conceive and would be resigning the day after my maternity leave ended. Sometimes “splashing” myself with this truth helps me re-center and not take my mind places it shouldn’t be (i.e. assuming I would be single-handedly running the place by now, etc.)

Whether you have one child or multiple children doesn’t matter. The value of the work you are doing now is FAR, FAR, FAR more significant and important than anything you did in corporate America. That’s one of the reasons you chose to stay home. Further, you chose to stay home and watch his entire early childhood in person, which is an incredible luxury. Think about it…you will never, ever feel guilty about “missing” the early years. You were there to see every transition, every milestone, every everything!! Yes, we always find millions of other things to feel guilty about, but I think this is a biggie. And when I remind myself of this fact, I feel so blessed again. This is a luxury that many, many women wish they had. And, it’s worth saying, I know how very difficult it is to get yourself financially able to quit the career and stay home – again, this is a MAJOR, HUGE success!

Finally, it is really important for you to take some credit for the wonderful child you are raising. Yes, he is inherently wonderful and would be even if you were working fulltime outside the house. However, there are things you are giving him that he wouldn’t have if you weren’t home. Even if you cannot pinpoint an exact “something” you must have faith in yourself that you are adding so much value to the quality of his life. This is, and will always be, your greatest success.

I hope this helps in some way!

PS...you're only a few years away from taking over and running the PTA!! ;)

EDIT: With your son just turning 3, you are still up to your head in the intense work of caring for a young toddler. You are still in the tough years. You will be shocked how much things will change when he becomes a preschooler. It gets so much easier!!

I went from a busy sales career with lots of social interaction to being at home with a colicky child and post partum depression. While I enjoyed certain times with my firstborn I also found a lot of the diapering and nursing and night waking difficult yet boring. It wasn't until I had my second and life got busier with their interaction as well as playdates and preschool and library outings, etc, that I truly found myself enjoying being home with them. I could always see the benefit of the division of labor (and my husband was open to any arrangement, we worked it out together so I did not feel stuck or less worthy) it took quite some time to be fullfilled with our joint decision. I went back to work part time when the youngest went to elementary school and I am happy with that choice as well. Sometimes when I see a girl at work pregnant with her first I have the urge to tell her what what could possibly be really in store for her as opposed to the cuddly baby dream we hope for. When we bought our house before the first was born I wanted it to have a window seat since I envisioned myself nursing there and gazing adoringly at my child. Instead she wailed for the first 6 months of her life every day from 5-10PM like clockwork and many other times during the day as well. The window seat became a great feature when they could toddle and hold onto it and look out. Like my window seat, your dreams of motherhood may not come true but that does not mean you will not enjoy it. Hang in there, get active, get social, and if you still feel blue, talk to a doctor, it may be true depression which is more than you can take care of on your own. ((((hugs)))))

quick & easy answer:

your DH's work schedule has NO effect whatsoever on your part-time plans. Either find a part-time paying or volunteer position....find a part-time babysitter or a preschool program for your son.....& be happy! Peace...

Find a volunteer job that will help you use your skills and help you feel like you are accomplishing and contributing to society. In most major cities there are "volunteer connection programs" that will help to pair you with an organization that needs someone with your skills or just a willingness to help. You could take on a scheduled time or just volunteer for special projects. You will have the flexibility to be there with your child when you want.
It will also be helping to build your resume, and put you in touch with professional people in the organization or other volunteers. After you find an organization you have a passion for, consider becoming part of their board of directors which will put you back in the professional environment that you miss. Good luck--you have a lot of talent in your job set - pick a part of the job you enjoyed doing and share that talent with others.

Just try to remember that your son will only be small for so long. Try not to look at the business world too much and look at more of what you can do with him. I wish I could go back to when my son was 3 it is amazing how teachable and open minded kids are at that stage in life. My son (8 year old) is not as receptive to what I know as much anymore, he likes to think for himself now. :) Keep your chin up and take things day by day. Time will fly by and you will be left wondering where the time went and where your little boy is.

Is always like that, the feeling goes on and off and pass by, you still have two year before he goes to school, and then you will have all morning free and thats worst. You said your not very good in the kitchen. Why don't you try those cooking courses in community colleges, you never know where they will take you . I have a friend she start in the cake decor class just for fun and now she has a great bussines that she loves and is at home with the kids. your not alone , but believe me the rewarding and the families memories are better than anything else. and if you feel like having another child well ...go ahead kids are a blessing.

SAHM is a job - a very important job. As your child gets older, you'll see just how important it is that you are home with him.
Mine are older, but I have found that the older they get, the more they need you at home. We don't get a lot of extras because we are on one income. When my children ask for an extravagance, I give them a choice - they can have it if I go back to work. They ALWAYS tell me they don't want it that badly.
You can not compare your insides to everyone else's outsides. What they show you is often not how they really feel.
YMMV
LBC

First of all STOP looking at facebook b/c any psychologist will tell you how very depressing it is to MOST people because people on facebook are only posting the GOOD things that happen to them...NOT the bad things...NOT what is missing in their lives!!! I'm guilty of it too, but I constantly remind myself of this!!!!!

Next, enjoy your child, before you know it your son will be in school all day and you will look back and wish you enjoyed this time. Make the most of it.... you are so LUCKY to have the opportunity to raise your son.

My husband tells me all the time to stop looking at what I dont have, and to enjoy and embrace what I do have.

You will go back to work one day if that is what you want to do...but for now.... enjoy!

Good Luck :)

Hi, D.:

I regret to inform you: Welcome to America.
Our society is so segregated:
Everyone is doing their own thing. Capitalism is in
full swing. Noone has time for each other.

How to cope with this new era in the "me" lifestyle:

1. Take one class at your local community college.
2. You already are going to a MOM's support group.
3. Dress up as if you are going to work. Make yourself
look pretty each morning.
4. Take your child out to the local park.
Good luck.
D.

LOVED reading all the responses on here! You are definitely not alone!!

And, as my husband says, being a mom is the hardest job in the world! Be grateful you have your husband's support in your decision to be a SAHM.

As for the need for your "own" income, I can understand that as well... it stinks having to pay for hubby's birthday/christmas gift with "his" money!

Try a Direct Sales business that you feel you can stand confidently behind. For me, it's Tastefully Simple. 1. The company's founder is an incredible once single mom who's gone thru so many family tragedies, but says "get better, not bitter..." so the company has very stong moral standards. 2. It's food. Everybody eats, so our products appeal to everyone, not just an indulgent something for the mom attending the party one time. Clients run out of our products, and they REORDER more. 3. People will host parties for food & fun, and, as I say at every party: "no one ever makes a 'pity purchase' at my parties - it's FOOD!"

See what works for you. And, hey, consider Tastefully Simple; thousands of recipes to try out :>)

____@____.com

You don't have to defend staying at home to raise a child. I am fortunate to be home; I did begin later, also. (It took longer to have #2, so #1 was an only child for 6 years.) It can be hard fitting in if most of the other mothers are markedly younger; it is great that you did find a few people that you clicked with.

Otherwise, ... do you have a Main Streets / Elm Streets (revitalization) program or any other mechanism for setting roots in your community? I was rootless before moving here. Church helps some, night classes for fun stuff may provide a neat group of people if you hit it just right, ... I don't know what you might do if your husband works so many hours, though. If you walk regularly through town you may begin to get to know anyone just for regular sightings. I sat in the same spot at church for a while and became familiar that way.

I found growing roots made a tremendous difference, even before our first child was born. (I had no career; I had a series of admin jobs. If I want to base my value on that... I'd not be too happy.)

If your child will enter preschool in September (maybe not yet - another year), that will open up a few hours that you can explore opportunities for yourself (even just regular walks). Those hours aren't much yet, but just to get your feet wet. When kindergarten and first grade roll around, you'll have bigger chunks of time to offer organizations. I have been warned not to volunteer too often at school, as they will lean on you to do too much.

Hey, just thinking of the change from 1 to 2 kids. I am going to have to adjust to limited flexibility. You have that gift of flexibility still. You can do all kinds of things with your child and as your child becomes eligible for more activities... I found turning 5 made a tremendous difference in opportunities and by 5 1/2 we were trying lots of things.

I hope this helps. And please know my house is not the cleanest on the block - not by a longshot (achoo!). Sometimes I worry about that, sometimes it's just fine. It is what it is. And we do like Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. I do cook better than I used to, but ...

IMHO, being a stay at home mom is much harder than any job. I couldn't hack it-- I had to go back to work! :-) If 4 out of 7 days, you like what you are doing, then keep doing it. If you don't, make a change. Daycare is always an option, and (again, IMHO, and as an older mother of an only), only kids with very involved moms do well to have some group interaction with peers and other adults. Regardless of whether you work or not, it might be time to transition him to some kinds of preschool/daycare part time so you have time to do some other things that you want to do. Whether that is working, volunteering, or finding your inner domestic goddess, only you can decide. Being a mom is the best thing in my life, but it isn't (and shouldn't be) the ONLY thing in my life.

I think the perfect answer for you is to find a 20 hr a week job that you enjoy. Your little one will be in daycare for half the day. You will be able to get in some rewarding work for half the day and be with your precious child for half the day. I wanted to say I completely understand where you are coming from bc I am in the same place as you. I miss being a biologist yet at the same time I feel lucky to be able to stay home with my kids. I am thinking another year or two and then I will try to find a half time job. Good luck! PS - It's very easy to learn how to cook. Just keep trying new recipes and learning new skills and you will keep getting better and better.

D.,
I see myself in your post. I enjoyed the field I was in and the great pay but to be honest, I was glad to leave behind the office politics. That I did not miss. I must say to you that the transition from career to SAHM is long and bumby. I've been home now for 9 years and I probably finally, stopped having doubts, fears, etc. just three years ago. Now, I'm still home while some of my other Moms club friends have returned to work and it certainly brought up feelings in me to hear about that. ALL THAT SAID, your time with your child is time you will never get back. Being able to be home is a GIFT. Not many women in this country, especially at this time in the economy, can afford to stay home. What helped me is to think about my life in chapters. For example, I had a chapter when I was single, I had a chapter when I was a career woman, and now I'm in the chapter where I'm a stay at home mom. This chapter will end, I know it, and then perhaps I'll be in the chapter where I work part-time and pursue hobbies. I don't know but I hope that you get my meaning. Just think " I am where I am supposed to be right now" and make this your mantra. Also, remind yourself (daily if you need to) why you wanted to stay home. To be an hands-on mommy, that after waiting for the right time to have her- you don't want to miss a second of your kid's milestones, etc. Also, see your SAH status as a new job to learn and be good at. I didn't know how to cook either (lots of nights out while working!) but when my kiddo came around I didn't want her eating chicken nuggets and hot dogs from a restaurant menu all the time so you know what, I taught myself how to cook. Similarly, I taught myself to become more domestic and you know what, there is a lot of pride in that. I feel like a successful stay at home mom. Just like in the workforce where people are just there for the ride, there are SAH moms who are lazy and don't spend their time at home wisely. You are different, with your skills, you'll be amazed at what you can apply those to in terms of running your household. I could go on and on.... but I'll close in saying best of luck, be patient with yourself and kiss your kid and hubby for giving you this chance to reinvent yourself!!

I am a "working" mom (what's a better word for Mom with outside job that doesn't inherently denigrate SAHMs?), and let me tell you that I brag about my successes so that I can keep them in front of me when the failures seem to be so stinkin' overwhelming at times. Ragu spaghetti sauce is my best friend, I serve Tuna Noodle Casserole on a fairly regular basis in the winter, and my house looks like the after picture of a cage at the zoo. I don't know if it helps to know that most of us feel like we're just treading water in life here in the toddler years. The good news is now that your son is getting older, things will start loosening up for you to do whatever it takes for you to be happy in your life. You aren't a failure, it just sounds like you're sort of stuck in a place where you have to remember what your priorities are (that's YOUR priorities, not anyone else's). It's hard to do with a 3 year old around all of the time. Hang in there, if it helps, this is just a season. You might start considering what you want to do if you do go back to work, since it sounds like you didn't like the last job. Are there things you can do to start working towards a career you like?

I worked since I was 16 years old. I always imagined that one day I would get married, have children and have a career. When my son was born 17 months ago, I swore I'd go back to work. I was even at work when the active labor started! I took 3 months off to recupe and be with my new baby. But I was looking forward to going back to work.
The first day back, I was there for 2 hours when I knew that I couldn't do it anymore. I had to be home with my son. So I told my boss that I'd finish the week, but that would be it. And I became the SAHM I thought I'd never be.
I have started cooking more now, but I definitely do NOT slave over the stove every day. We do have Sunday dinners, but half the time my hubby makes it. I bought Rice Krispies and Marshmallows 3 weeks ago to make Rice Krispies Treats and still haven't done it.
I LOVE being Alex's mom. But once in awhile, I get down and think how little I am contributing to society. I'm not working and making any money to help with the household. My husband has no problem being the bread winner. He's old fashioned and loves that I'm a SAHM.
I've never been able to keep up with friends well because I tend to go off in my own little world alot. My friends hear from me every couple of weeks or so. The good ones are fine with that. They know if they need me, I'll be there.
I just wanted to say to you that although I'm sorry you are feeling bad, I'm glad that I'm not the only one! When I get really down about not working, I like to take my son out to the swingsets. He can swing for hours! The smile on his face while he is swinging just makes me feel like I am the best person in the world. And in his eyes, I might just be!
Don't feel alone in this. You do want you want and need to do. The time you are spending with your son is so precious. And no one else will ever know him the way you do.
Also, you do have a career and are being successful with it. For the last 3 years you are the Primary Caregiver to your child. You are a MOM. And while I never believed it before 2010, this REALLY is the toughest job anyone can ever do. Also, the most rewarding.
Let the business people do the business stuff. While they are slaving away and working and getting stressed out, we are at home, playing with our children and having fun!

You should never allow yourself to feel like a failure. I have done it all...corporate world, SAHM, back to corporate world when kids started kindergarten and then back to SAHM, but with a twist. I needed outside recognition. I got it from starting a home business with a company called Arbonne International. I now have something for me. I work around my kids time and my husbands time - my jusband travels a lot for his business as well. I would hire babysitters for the nights I would work when hubby was away. I still needed to be in the adult world and receive recognition and rewards like I used to. I needed to continue to climb up a ladder and the rewards are amazing. Shortly I will be driving our company care - a White Mercedes - what corporation do you know would ever give you a Mercedes for free - no matter how long you work for them? There are many things out there...I completely understand the outside validation - I needed it. Good luck and if I can help you in any way, please let me know. I would love to help you if I can.