First Child

I got pregnant 11 months after I got married.

I have never traveled. I have never been out of the South. My husband and I have never gotten to take a road trip anywhere or go camping for a weekend without wondering "How the boys are " doing.

I wish I had waited a few years. We could've done a lot - gone a lot of places, gone on dates, taken a cruise.... etc....

Don't get me wrong - kids are wonderful.... in their own way. But they're not wonderful like sleeping till lunchtime and afternoon sex. They're not wonderful like going to Florida for a long weekend, or staying out till 1 am and having a few drinks with your husband.... They are wonderful - but remember how hard it is. If you have taken care of kids so much you know this already..... Its exhausting, stressful, frustrating and changes your life forever.

I'd wait until after a year or two AT LEAST of being married. Enjoy your man! And enjoy your home! Plant a garden, redecorate, get a pet, take a trip, learn to bake ....stay up all night with your husband, take a bath together without worry - go out to a concert.

Live a little while before you give up your freedom completely.

M., it sounds as though you have a pretty good head on your shoulders. I think it would probably be good to get married and adjust to that for a while. Even if you have been living together for a time, marriage still changes the relationship and expectations. However, it seems that you will be ready for children pretty quickly since you are in your own home and are financially stable. Having a child is usually not that painful especially with the birthing classes availabe now and ways of managing the pain of birth. Some women have more difficulty with pregnancy than others but women have been managing this forever and most find that the child is worth it all. Good luck. I wish you and your husband to be lots of happiness.

What's the rush? So take a few years and see the world. 25 is still young to have a first child, and you could have more children through your 30's and many do into their 40's. You are 20. You can see Paris, sun set at Key West, the Grand Canyon, San Fransisco, Yellowstone Park, cruise to Alaska and/or the Caribbean, and Las Vegas. You can see cities night clubs and casinos, and you can hike the Blue Ridge mountains. Live a little for yourself and husband before you have small lives that depend wholly on you for everything.

I would recommend waiting. Our daughter was born after we had been married just over a year. We are "older" (I was 35 when we got married) and didn't want to be "old" parents. I wish we had waited a little longer. Marriage changes a relationship evenif you have been together a long time. We hadn't fully adjusted to being a married couple before we were also adjusting to being parents. Having a baby REALLY changes things. We went through some rough spots in our marriage and I think a lot of it was due to the stresses of having a baby on top of the stresses of being newly weds. I am glad that I waited until I was older to have children. I have had many experiences that will make me a better parent in the long run. Many of my friends who were young moms have commented that they wish they had waited a little longer. Once you are a parent it makes even the every day things more challenging. My husband and I now have a huge list of things we want to do that we will need to wait to do when our kids are older. Don't rush into being a parent, especially if your boyfriend doesn't feel ready yet. That will only make it more difficult. I hope this doesn't sound negative. I wouldn't change having my kids for anything. But for the health of my marriage I wish we had waited just a little longer.

Being a young mom is tough (take it from one)! I would definitely not recommend it just because you want a baby. Even though you have plenty of experience with kids (and trust me, so did I), there is a BIG difference between watching kids and being a mom. When I was a nanny/baby-sitter, my job was done at the end of the day. Being a mom is a non-stop job. Amy made some great points...if I would have had more of an option (we had a wonderful surprise baby), I would have loved to have had more time with just my husband to do things that are IMPOSSIBLE to do with a child. Wait until you are married a year, then reevaluate. You have the rest of your life to have a baby, enjoy being young with a new hubby!

I responded to your other post before I saw this one. It sounds like you have the best of both worlds. You get to spend your day with babies and young children to get your "baby fix" and then send them home to mom and dad at night or when they are sick! That sounds perfect for you. Also, the money thing can change. What if you have a difficult pregnancy? Even with an easy pregnancy you will have to take time off of work, which will affect your income. There could also be unexpected medical expenses for either you or your baby. That's not a matter of your age, that can happen to anyone at any age. Good luck whatever you and your fiance decide.

Ok, I answered your first question and I'm very happy to hear that your getting married soon. Congratulations!

What do you mean your fiancee doesn't want to put you through all the pain? What pain?

You say you make plenty of money to support a baby... something to think about... How much money do you have saved? What about when your unable to work? Do you have disability insurance?

I know it's very difficult to understand the entire situation by just a few paragraphs, but everything I've read indicates you're not ready to have a child. Why can't you wait a few years? Take time to develop your relationship and expand your business

I think you should definitely wait. There are some red flags here. One of them is your boyfriend, who is not ready. You are very young, and still developing as an adult (three years ago you were 17, and still technically a child). You may change as you mature in the next decade (TONS happens in your twenties), and he might not change and mature in the same way.

You should wait until you are sure that your marriage is strong and stable, and you've had plenty of time to enjoy each other and work on being married successfully. (Things are definitely different in my marriage now than they were as 26 year old newly weds, 16 years ago -- we were happy then, too, but things are SO much better now.)

Another red flag is your business. It's great that you have one, but daycare doesn't pay that well. I used to work in daycare, and the profit margins are SLIM. If you run your own daycare, do you have a staff, or are you it? Do you have health insurance? What will happen to your business if you become sick during pregnancy and go on bedrest for a few months? What happens if your baby is premature? Do you have paid leave? Disability insurance?

I'm asking because those things happened to me, and it was all covered. I had finished college and got a teaching degree, so I could go from $7/hour in daycare to much, much more than that as a public school teacher, with tenure and benefits as well. I got my bachelor's degree and my master's in early childhood education by the time I got married at 26. Then we worked on our careers, enjoyed our marriage, and bought a house. We had our first at 30.

The last red flag is why you feel you need a baby, NOW. What is missing inside you? Do you feel unloved, and want a baby to be someone to love you? Do you feel like a baby would give you purpose in life? Do you feel lonely, or insecure? I would try to figure out what is driving you to be in such a hurry.

The thing you need to remember is that it's all about what's best for the baby. It really isn't about you anymore once you become a mother. If there is a chance that in a few years, your baby could have a divorced, single mother struggling to make it with a business that doesn't provide benefits, security, or much profit, then being born really soon doesn't seem like the best thing for that baby anymore, does it?

Good luck to you. I hope you wait, and I think you will be really happy you did. I know that you will be a wonderful mother someday.

So your fiance will want to put you thru pain later rather than sooner?

So is your daycare licensed? Is it insured? Do you have health insurance? What will happen if you have a bad pregnancy & go on bed rest? or all the Dr appts, do you have staff to cover you? Do you have any college education? You had an older post that asked how much daycares charge in a particular area, you should know that answer if you have had a daycare for the past 2 yrs. Financially stable, what does that mean? Just because you own a home doesn't mean you are financially stable unless it's paid off. Life throws unexpected curve balls all the time & being so young & a newlywed & you are pressuring your fiance to have a baby, you are potentially causing more harm than good to yourself & your unborn child. Enjoy your new life with your new husband, listen to whoever is telling you to slow down, learn about yourself & your fiance, take pre-marital classes so you can learn about eachother, read mamapedias posts from woman having problems with their children their marriages their own personal life issues, etc. Another idea for you & your fiance is to take a financial class called Financial Peace University by Dave Ramsey, this class alone will teach you a lot about your future and what financial stability really means. I hope you consider all the responses you got. And I had my 1st at 17 & had my others at 31, 32, & 34, & being older is much better.

This is a decision that you and your future husband need to make together. It is important to compromise in marriage. If he's telling you he's not ready yet then you likely need to wait at least a year or two. Bringing a baby into your life makes for huge changes. If you are lucky and get a "good" baby then things might go fairly smoothly but not everyone is that lucky. Babies can be very colicky. Caring for children and sending them home at the end of the day takes a different amount of energy and patience than caring for them all day AND getting up every two hours every night for a year (or more). Babies can put an amazing amount of stress into your life and relationship. Don't get me wrong...in the end they are worth it but it's really important to make sure your relationship can handle that kind of change and that you are both on the same page before you begin the journey into parenthood. It's great that you have already thought about the financial security, housing, etc. Just make sure to take your future husband's concerns seriously and decide together what you will do.

all i can say is a child is something you have to both be on board for. one of you will end up resenting the other if you cant compromise, but trust me, when you get married, things WILL be different. give yourselves some time, but your husband has to let you know that this waiting period is not indefinate. you can make a "date" to start trying so that you arent left thinking its "never" and hes not thinking its "tomorrow".
and be willing to be flexible, if you get to that "date" and things are rough.

you NEVER bring a child into the world when your husband is hesitant. that only creates a void, and can undermind your marriage.