Finding Balance as a Working Mom

I wrote in January and got wonderful answers from the other working moms. They gave me good advice and I followed it. For nearly 3 months I have stopped stressing over the housework.
They put me on FlyLady. What an amazing thing it is to know that twenty-five minutes in the morning or fifteen minutes late in the day can keep the house tidier. The sinks get done daily. So different. I highly recommend it to you too.

You are not alone! We limited the kids to one activity each. I walk with an MP3 player or ride the exercise bike while watching tv for relaxation. I read in bed late at night for relaxation. We buy more take-out food or rotisserie chicken at the grocery store because I don't have time to prep and cook most nights. When we do cook, we cook extra and have it 2 days later. My husband like to cook (hallelujah!) so he BBQ's meats on the weekend and we freeze already cooked extras in small portions. I LOVE the steam bags of veggies and rice since a few minutes in the microwave and we have some healthy side dishes. I buy ham steak (already cooked) that I just brown and heat in a little butter. I buy frozen fish fillets that we put in Pyrex dish with a little broth covered with Saran wrap and microwave for about 2 minutes per half inch thickness. Bills and account balancing are done once every 2 weeks. What social life? I talk to folks at work and eat lunch with them, and maybe once a month see a girl friend, but do email with them frequently. It gets easier as the kids get older (mine are now 11 and 14) and can help more with laundry and emptying the dish washer and vacuuming, etc. Hang in there, and let the house get a bit messy.

It's really tough being a working mom. I've done it for years without a husband so it's super hard.
I have friends who are teachers and I am so jealous. They have so many vacations and summers. I'm not saying they don't work hard, they do, but they have time a lot of moms aren't afforded.
That said, they pretty much get into a routine of keeping up with the small stuff and doing major things on their weeks and summers off. The house isn't perfect, stuff gets tossed in a closet or in a cabinet and when they have the time home, they go through it when they can do it at a leisurely pace.
One friend just puts everything in the garage and then during the summer, she cleans the garage and has a big yard sale. She purges and starts the new school year with a clean house, clean slate and the routine starts over.
I never have enough time to do everything and at least my youngest child is old enough not to need daycare during school vacations anymore. Two days off at the end of the week goes by so fast it feels like I never even left work. I run my legs off and sometimes, I just want to do absolutely nothing on the weekend. There is laundry, stuff to tidy up for the week ahead.
It really never ends.
I think all working moms feel overwhelmed regardless of their jobs or circumstances. You just have to do the best you can do and try to roll with it.

I wish I had advice on how to handle it all, but I've never found a balance between the two, even after almost 3 years and 2 kids. I've finally thrown in the towel. We're relocating next month to an area where we can (hopefully) survive on one paycheck and I'm going to become a SAHM. I'll probably sub-teach a couple of days a week, but no more than 2. I don't know if it's the best solution for my family, but also know that what we're doing right now is tearing us apart so don't have any other choice. The only thing I can suggest is to let some stuff go (I have a pile of clean laundry that has yet to be put away). I hate ahaving to do that, but it's the only way i've been able to survive.

A.

It's so hard, Anne. I'm a high school teacher, and next year we are only getting one conference period every other day. I don't know how we're going to do it. I already bring home so many papers to grade (I teach AP English - 180 students, with 210 expected next year). Ugh . . .

Anyway, it will get easier as your children get older. My kids are 7 and 13, and they clean the house with me. My husband is off on Sundays and Wednesdays. He cleans the house top to bottom on Wednesdays (hooray!) and then on Saturday mornings the boys and I do laundry and touch up the house. That way it always stays clean. My 7 year old doesn't play any sports except golf, and golf camp is in the summer. My oldest is in cross country in the fall. Occassionally they try other things, but never more than one thing at a time.

As for friends, I don't see them nearly as often as I would like to. We try to catch up during school breaks for the most part. We do keep in touch through phone calls and email, though. Weekends are mostly reserved for family fun, and we do have lots of fun on the weekends. I am very organized and get my grading and planning done early in the mornings during the week, during my conference period, and at night after the kids are in bed.

Teaching/working and being a mom is stressful, but it's rewarding too. Keep your chin up. Summer is almost here! :)

Well, you can't do everything. Life isn't about doing everything, anyway. That's why I stay home with my kids. I don't want our life to be crazy stressed, and I want to hang out with them while they still want to hang out with me. I highly recommend it. And no, I'm not "lucky enough" to stay home, we made a choice, and we make sacrifices to achieve it. We are low on money, but that's not what matters. What matters is that we are enjoying our life, right now, the present moment (most of the time :)), instead of constantly planning for later or tomorrow.

Hi Anne,
Are you married or do you have a significant other in the house? If so, then give him some responsibility. You don't have to be the one to do it all, all the time. That said, I understand where you're coming from. I'm also a full-time mom and have a full-time job (I work from home) and while I only have one toddler at this point, I too get overwhelmed by all the activities, the housework, walking the dogs, keeping myself organized and figuring out a time to relax. Here's what I do:

I try to take about an hour every night after my little one goes to bed and do something around the house. It could be cleaning something, doing a load of laundry, whatever. Once that hour is up, I sit down and relax, read a book, take a bath, snuggle with my husband on the couch, whatever. I find that if I stay on top of things during the week, then the weekends are much nicer and I can relax more. Plus, since I'm doing these chores after my daughter goes to bed, that gives me a little quiet time by myself to do the things that make me feel a little less scattered and more in control of life (even when it seems to be chaos most of the time!)

That said, you also have to realize that housework isn't ALL that important. Time with your children and family is the most important thing. They're growing up fast and you don't want to miss it because you're scrubbing toilets. Perhaps the best idea is to spot clean yourself and then have someone come in to deep clean your place once or twice a month. If you have the money for it, it could save you time and stress to do that.

Maybe the best thing to do to organize the rest of the activities of your life is to just make a calendar and refuse to do more than one extra thing each day. Whether it's going to a soccer game or going out with friends, taking the dog to the dog park, whatever. Plus, if you see what's coming up for the week, you can settle with it a little more than you would if you were just running around like a crazy person asking what's next. :) Just remember that it's important for you to carve out time daily for you. Just you. Even if it's just for an hour. That healing and recharging is the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids because it helps you be your best for them. And, it gives you something to look forward to daily even when things are nuts.

Regardless, just know that many of us feel your pain. Best of luck to you!

Hilary

Hello, it sounds like you're very busy and overwhelmed. It's hard to do it all and smile at the end of the day. Have you tried scheduling your cleaning? I know it sounds silly, but if you have a schedule and go by it maybe it will help. Start something on the evening you don't have a soccer game or function. It could be laundry or cleaning up the kitchen, vaccuuming/dusting
and the bathrooms. Include your children if it's an appropriat age. Make a list of easy meals, once a week make it a restaruant night out (Chick-fil-la) or something fun for the kids. That way you know every Wed or whatever day you choose whats for dinner. One night pick up a rotisierre chicken, make a salad and mac/cheese for the kids. Cook a big meal on the week ends and double it or make an extra meat for during the week. Then, you just have the sides to worry about. How about a crock pot? Social life, see family on the week ends, make the main dish and invite and have them over. They can bring a side dish. This way you're home and can visit (sneak it a load of laundry). Combine friends together if you go out. They could meet each other and become friends. I couldn't imagine working and doing it all, but I just wanted to share some suggestions to help you out. You sound like a great teacher with a fun life! Good luck......

Yep, feel like this most days! Some days are better than others...

Every working mother is in the same boat as you. Even the ones who look they're doing a better job of balancing it all aren't really, they just have strengths that are different from yours and are looking at you wondering "how does she do it all?" I just try to remember that someday, when the kids are grown, I'll have time to have a beautiful home, a lush garden, look great every day when I go into the office, travel for work and pleasure, mentor other women at work, throw myself into my own hobbies, etc.

Right now, I try to pick things that are fulfilling to me but also benefit the kids, so I do something for them but nurture my own interests/soul/needs at the same time (for example, I teach religious education - fulfilling for me, and time with whichever of my children is in my class; when I volunteer at school on the PTA, I enjoy networking and friendships and being in the know while doing something for my child's school). I try to piggy-back those time-wasters - when I bring my son to hockey practice, I either walk laps around the rink or the parking lot, read a book, or bring my laptop and go to a place nearby that has free wi-fi and do some work. You can probably do things like grade papers while your waiting for a kids somewhere.

Beyond things like that, life gets easier when they get older. More to manage logistically, but less "mama mama mama" all day long. Flylady.net is a wonderful resource for how to organize your cleaning so that you get the big things done once a week in one hour and then spend a few minutes a day in your morning, after work, and before bed routines to stay on top of things. Add in 15 minutes of zone cleaning 5 days a week - 1 week it's the kitchen, another it's the family room, etc. (which I don't always do) and your house will be clean enough all the time to skip the marathon cleaning sessions on the weekends. It really does help. Good luck, and please know that you're not alone.

I only have a 7 week old daughter and I am fortunate that I was laid off before I got pregnant and I don't have to work now. But even so, I am having a hard time balancing taking care of a newborn and balancing housework, grocery shopping, etc. I had a melt down and asked my husband if we could hire a cleaning lady for a few months to help do major things like clean the bathrooms and floors just to take some pressure off me.

He said he really wanted to not spend the money on a cleaning lady and asked me to keep a running list of chores I'd like to see done throughout the week. He does one or two of them each night when he gets home; I do one or two during the day with the baby and we had to let our standards relax on everything else.

Maybe you can implement a chore chart with your kids to help take the pressure off? Even just having them regularly take out the trash or pick up after the dogs will be helpful? Maybe you can hire a cleaning lady again every other week for bathroom and floor cleaning? You don't clean before she comes over, you just pick stuff up off the floor so she can clean. Or maybe you can hire a professional organizer to help you make some organizing changes that will create a better flow in your day at home?

I feel the same, even though my hubby makes his own schedule and helps out a LOT at home. When i realized I was spending my whole weekends cleaning and running errands and not enjoying my children I started pushing my hubby to grocery shop (I try to keep a list going, at first he was lousy at it and now he's very good!) and I pushed myself to do a little cleaning OR a load of laundry on a weeknight so I had less to do on the weekend. Then plan something fun every weekend! My son is overjoyed if we spend 1 and half hours riding bikes to the two local playgrounds. I am happier if I dont spend my whole weekend with chores and lesson plans and prep.

Get a cleaning service.

Shortchanging your family is not worth it!

If you can afford to have someone come for the heavy cleaning, do it. If you can't, check out flylady.net. It might help. Also getting the rest of the family on board to carry some of the weight, even if it's just little stuff might relieve your stress a little - it's their house too!

I'm an awful cleaner and I just do my best and accept that the house won't be perfect.

Wow, you are me! Teacher, two kids, dogs, etc.

We do a "mad dash clean" Saturday morning. That means me and my husband tidy, vacuum, wipe down the kitchen, etc. This takes about 40 minutes Saturday morning. I basically ignore what can't get cleaned then, unless it's a mid-week vaccuming. I also try to do the grocery shopping first thing Saturday so it's over and done, and if we have any other errands that have to be done we try to do them then too.

Cut down on your kids activities if they're young enough that you can, and carpool if they're older. You don't have to go to every activity. Explain that you can either be at the soccer game OR you can use soccer game time to do the grocery shopping and then you can go to the park with them in the afternoon. No one can do everything, and it's good for them to learn to make that kind of choice.

Also, teacher advice - assign less work, or different work. If you gave a paper for the last unit, give an oral presentation for the next one. Those are way faster to grade. Instead of collecting every homework, tell the kids that you will collect one out of every three homeworks assigned, but you won't tell them which ones. Be willing to take longer to hand things back. I found myself schlepping back and forth so many papers that I never graded at home, but bringing them home made me feel guilty that I wasn't spending my weekend grading! So finally I just decided to leave everything at work unless I knew for sure that I had an hour or two set aside for me to grade (and not that time after the kids go to bed - that's my time). I've found that if I'm very up front with my students about how long it takes to get stuff back they don't complain (too much).

It's very hard, but it can be done. I hope that this helps, and that tomorrow is a better day.

I was JUST saying to my hubby that I feel like I am just "good" at a multitude of things and not AWESOME at anything! He just rolled his eyes at me. Lol.

Honestly, we are all there. Anyone who isn't is super rich and has multiple helpers or they have a husband who helps A LOT. I have neither.

I don't mind housework - I really don't. I love feeling that accomplished feeling after getting something done, even if that is a clean floor. What I hate is the lack of time to do everything. If only there were more hours in the day.

I work about 45 hours per week as does hubby, and I feel like our weekdays are absolutely nuts. I, too, feel like I spend every weekend trying to play catch up and make sure the week goes smoothly, and it is a losing battle.

I hired a cleaning lady but at the current time, I am not sure it is worth it. We can only afford for her to come once every two weeks, so within 3 days after she has come and gone, our house is a mess again. Plus, she does not do the best job so I feel stressed having to go back over her work. I really need some weekly help, but it just isn't in our budget so I compromise and do the best I can. There are times coworkers or friends have stopped over unannounced and I am so embarrassed from the mess! The house is never really dirty, I "clean" regularly, I just cannot keep up with the clutter/toys and cleaning. I have to accept it or I will go crazy.

I agree with another poster - check out flylady.net - decrease your clutter and do it now and do it often - you cannot organize and keep clutter clean. I do find that I really do not have time to read her site or emails though! Try to take a few minutes once a week and check her out - she has some sound advice.

PM for some ideas - I have been doing this a while and maybe we can share ideas!

* EDIT - Just read your addition, and yes, I can relate to ALL of that. We even have to travel 200 miles for some games. I am lucky to get to the gym once a week and even at that, hubby gripes about me going!