My 4 yr old physically hurts my 2yr old when they fight. I have talked to him, put him in time out and he goes and does it 10 min later. I don't know how else to discipline him. I don't want my 2 yr old to end up in the hospital. I feel like a failure because I can't protect him.
Thanks
A number of young families I know have reported fabulous success using the book Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish. I know this team from another wonderful and wise book of theirs that I always recommend: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Simply my favorite parenting book ever, because it's practical, simple, respectful to both parent and child, and it works.
It's not a case of "not protecting him".....it's a case of needing to be proactive when the boys are playing. Make sure this is fully within your view, do not let them play unsupervised.
As soon as you see your older son trigger, step in....hold your hand up like a stop sign....& ask him to "think" about his choices. He needs help in identifying what's setting him off......instead of being punished for after- the-fact. And, to promote this personal growth & to set the stage for this, sit down with your son & explain to him what you expect, how you're going to handle it, & what the consequences are for escalating beyond your rules.
By teaching him these skills, it will be easier for you to step in & be proactive in protecting all involved. Peace!
You may be philosophically opposed to "hitting for hitting", but if you tell your 4 year old, who has full control of himself and understanding, that from now on whenever he hurts or begins to look like he is about to hurt his sister, he will get one calm warnign and if he chooses to continue he will be spanked and THEN removed from playing, you will only have to follow through a couple of times for him to stop the behavior. It would have taken less than that-a warnign only- if he had never been allowed to get away with this.
My kids are the exact same ages and this would never happen. They do sometimes mutually brawl, but stop the minute we say so. They know that spanking is the consequence for any major offense after a calm clear warning-including aggression to others- though some feel that's ironic-therefore we almost never need it.
Meanwhile my non spanking friends have kids we need to protect our own kids from. I recently taught my son it's OK to hit BACK when a "time out kid" in his daycare kept attacking him.
Firm it up, you'll never forgive yourself if your youngest gets hurt. Keep it brief and clear, boys ignore all the "talking about it" as much as men do.
Maybe you need to spend more time doing activities with your 4 year old. This could very well be happening because he is jealous. My Mom had seven boys and they all survived without going to the hospital and we all fought. Me and my brothers. It's natural to some extent. But we never hurt each other bad. In our case it was just because there wasn't enough of Mom to go around and Dad was always gone working. I never had a problem with my girls fighting but I learned from others mistakes. When the youngest was born I got the older on involved with helping take care of her. I didn't force her to to anything but let her help do what she wanted to help. When the youngest one was old enough to be on the floor I sat and played with both of them. I also made sure when the younger one was in napping I had special projects for the older one. You will find if your four year old gets more of your attention that the fighting will more than likely stop.
I am assuming that spanking him is out. If so, make it hurt in another way, ie: take away his favorite toy, stuffed animal, TV show, etc. If it doesn't hurt him, he will continue to do it again. Good Luck.
FYI At the church I go to, they are currently in the middle of a parenting series. Not just on Sunday morning, but in small groups on Wedneday night. These are all taped and you can listen to them online. Go to the website below and scroll down to the big red button that says "Help, I'm a parent" This has been priceless in helping me to teach my kids and give them consequences to their actions. Check it out.
My oldest never hurt my youngest, but there was definitely some "acting out" when #2 came along.
If you give him time outs or take stuff away, he will only remember how mean you were and how bad it felt, and that it was related to his little brother somehow. You want him to stop hitting his brother because he wants to (because he no longer feels he needs to), not because he will get spanked or get his favorite things taken away if he does it.
We watched some home videos the other day, and it was really painful to watch how "mean" we were to my oldest when it came to his behavior around his brother (they were around the age of your boys in this movie).
To me, here was this cute innocent baby, and the big old mean brother would not be nice to him at all, so the mama bear in me came out and I would scold him (on camera, no less ;>). No time outs or spankings, that's not my style, but still, it was unpleasant to watch how little understanding I had about how he felt about the "situation".
Don't make that same mistake. Someone else mentioned the book "Siblings Without Rivalry", that's a good resource. You have to acknowledge that he may be mad about this new addition, but that he can tell you about all his terrible feelings about his brother without you getting mad at HIM or doing mean stuff to him. Remember you were (are) his world, and now he has to share you. It's tough on a little guy. Be there to support him and love him and yes, he has to know it's not OK to hit his brother, but if you give him some of your time and understanding (without comment or criticism) you may discover the hitting stops on it's own.
I read a quote once that really stuck with me - "you can't bully someone into being kind".
Good luck!
You should try to take his favorite thing from him...if that does not work best thing to do is find out why he thinks it is okay to do this. Hope that helped.
My 4 year old kept hitting his 6 year old brother, who happens to be the weaker of the 2. Time out was not working, so now he loses his most beloved possession (his pillow pet) for longer with each offense. It has worked very well, way better than time out ever did.
Wow, this sounds like sibling rivalry at its' ancient core. Speak with your pediatrician, relatives, etc to get to the anger issue your kid appears to be experiencing. Meanwhile, you can make a game, make light of it, because you will go insane trying to "settle" and/or make sense of this behavior.
Making light means keeping calm, removing the baby from the situation; and creating a happy atmosphere, rather than dive into the crazy anger scene.
This is going to take some effort; but it's positive battling the negative.
God Bless and email any time. And PS You are not a failure. You're a MOM.
I know this sounds horrible, but ignore it. You keep playing into it making the older one more jealous. You're little one will not end up in the hospital. At first it might be worse and more often because he will wonder why the mommy police is not coming but then when he realizes that he can't control you anymore, it will stop. Some good ol fashioned advice from an older person. Some things need to be worked out on their own and not meddled into. I am sure the little one brings on his fair share of the poundings. Two yr olds often do this so don't worry that YOU have to DO something...relax.
You are right.
Find a Dianetics auditor, and get the real reason handled. You can find a Dianetics mission, and find an auditor that way. Hurry.
best, k
