Feeling Sad About Split Custody.

This right here is one of the main reasons I'm still married. Why should I miss out on the joy of my kid just because my significant other is a douche? It's hard, though, to live in misery.

I think your kiddo will figure out who her father really is ... as long as you don't push your own feelings on her. And when the regulated custody comes to an end, my guess is she'll spend far more time with you.

I love my dad. Also true: He's an emotionally abusive alcoholic.

My folks divorced when I was ten. My mom moved down the street, away from the home I had grown up in. It felt cold at my dad's. At thirteen, he remarried. At first my SM and I got on great. Then our relationship became *very* difficult. My dad disowned me when I was 14 over this. It was...a hard time.

Despite all of that, I am grateful my parents got a divorce. See, my mom flourished. She went back to school and really claimed her life. She started getting her needs met and she fought for herself. It was awesome.

I think it helped me learn what love is supposed to look like. I think my folks were deeply in love. But, see, love wasn't enough. And, I got to learn that lesson pretty young. My dad and step mom are still living in crazy town. My mom is single, and successful, and deeply involved in her grandchildren's lives. Because of her influence and the choices she made, I know how to ask for what I need. I'm not willing to put up with a jerk. My marriage is awesome and equitable. So, in the long run, it was for the best. My mom showed me what strength looks like (it can look a lot of different ways). And I felt safe and happy at her home. I got/get to come to terms with dysfunctional aspects of my childhood...in part because she set an example of how to stand up and do just that.

So. That's my experience.
Sending hugs. I'm sorry that you're hurting.

That is why divorce is so terrible.

I also am a child of divorce and my life was so much better when my parents were putting on a front. They were never in the same room but i had ONE HOME, ONE BED, TWO PEOPLE to take care of me, More money for sure than after. I think being a mom means sucking it up sometimes for your kids.

Either you suck it up and deal with living with a jerk or you suck it up later when your kids are out of your house off with him or the girlfriend or the stepmom or who ever doing who knows what.

I heard a host on a talkshow say one time in regards to visitiation, if the dad was so impossible for YOU to live with, why do you think your kid would be able to deal with him either. That really made an impression on me. so i guess when your dd figures out that it isn't great being over there with Stepmom you can go back to court and try to have dd tell the judge what she wants.

I'm sure that the time you do spend with your DD is precious to both of you and I'm sure she knows you are her rock. And when she gets older you can explain to her how you did what you had to do. And when dad and stepmom show their true colors, DD will be the one making the choice to be with YOU.

I hope you can work through your feelings for now and I hope you can see that eventually it won't hurt as much.

I am a child of divorce and I promise, staying married to him, would have been worse than this divorce.

Our home was a stressful mess, while my parents were married. I knew from a young age, they were not happy and did not love each other. What a relief when he finally moved out for good. It took me almost 25 years to get over my guilt of being relieved they divorced..

Everyone else acted so devastated. But I would not be the happy independent person I am today, if they had stayed together.

I completely understand how much you miss her when she is not with you, but if the stepmom is kind and caring, at least that can be a good influence. And you no longer have to live with him..

On these weeks, go to the gym, take up a hobby, volunteer, get together with friends, start a book club. Make this a productive time, so your daughter can come home to a happy productive mom.

I am sending you strength.

If he was married to you he still would not be able to take a day off work every other week to spend at home, that is just not doable for most jobs. It is good she is spending time with him in the evenings and getting to know her step mother and any step siblings. I know it can be hard, and you miss her terribly, but would you have been happy staying with him? If not I am sure that would have shown and your daughter will benefit from having a happy mother. Feel your feelings, they are normal, and then just do whatever you have to to make things as easy as possible for your child, these are all big changes for her as well.

L.-
I'm really sorry about all of this. I'm going through what you're going throughA well. Except, I'm still in the process of getting divorced. My ex-husband left me for a other woman, so there's that element as well. I met her yesterday. I figured I needed to know the woman who my kids are spending so much time with. It went well. But I understand how you're feeling knowing that your kids are w/someone else.
I'm sorry. It's all really hard.
I'm back in school, which helps keep me busy. I miss my kids so much when they're w/their Dad. It's awful & not natural for a Mom to not be w/her kids.

I went through that. not the stepmother part, but other people...it hurts. Accept your hurt and then try to find things that make you feel terrific. Remember who you were before you were married, before you had little people and return to you. Even if you weren't divorced one day they move out and we have to return to the sigh, empty nest...so enjoy whatever time you can. I know it hurts. Ouch ouch ouch. And it's not fair. Really not fair. So if you can try to bubble bath it up, get a few novels in and realize that she may not actually want to be with the step mother or even your husband but what is what is. HUG

Most people can't take time off work every other week to spend time with their kids.
If you had a job you would get this. That's just not the way the world works. If there wasn't a step mom she would be in daycare all day. I get that your ex having another wife is hurtful but think about your daughter. I would rather have my kids taken care of by a step parent than put in daycare all day.
If your ex husband is still supporting you I would be thankful that at least you get to spend all your time with your daughter when she IS with you, after all it's because he IS at work that you don't need to be.
Not trying to be harsh just realistic!

Regarding his taking time off: His job may simply not allow it. It's great that your job does, but it's an unfair expectation that you have of him to take a few days off here and there to spend with his daughter. He gets Wednesday evening with her and weekends. She gets to know her stepmother and hopefully build a good relationship with her and any stepsiblings and siblings she may have there.

I realize that he was a terrible enough husband for you to divorce but that doesn't automatically make him a terrible father, and it doesn't automatically make his new wife a terrible stepmother or terrible woman. The relationship you have with them can't possibly be entirely their fault ie. their way or the highway. Half of the responsibility for how the relationship progresses is on you as well.

When it comes to whether or not you have to do something fall back on the custody agreement. If they press about something that's not in the custody agreement then see about a compromise that does work for you... and ask for something in return for another occasion but get it all in writing. Do your best to remain friendly and smile. You've got to do it for the sake of your daughter and your own sanity.

L., I am sorry you are feeling down. I know this is not easy. It is wonderful that care about and enjoy being with your child so much that it is hard for you when she is not around.

I am not sure that this ever gets easy. My husband's parents are divorced but the children are all grown, but ya know, I still see the pain in my MIL's eyes when we all leave her house to go to their Dad's to visit (they both live out of state from us but in the same town). And they have been divorced for 20 years. She never says anything, but I think that loneliness, and having to "share" is just always hard to deal with.

I do think it is unreasonable to expect him to take work off to spend time with her. Work is work. You can't miss it. Even if you get paid vacation time, it is still very difficult...if I miss even one shift, it takes so long to catch back up, there is so much work to do. I think the best you can hope for is that he is spending time with her after work and hope that her step mom is a decent person who treats her well.

Try to do something for yourself while your daughter is away. Perhaps that is the time that you throw yourself into a big project or surround yourself with friends. Again, I am sorry it is hard.

I know exactly how you feel. My boys are 6 & 8. Their dad and I divorced in Feb 2008. He remarried rather quickly, she stays home with the kids while he works. Their dad works a lot. He has odd shifts and often works overtime or a second job. There are weekends that they go over there and never see their dad. Oh, and they make my boys call her "mom". Their dad recently moved 3 hours away and we had to renegotiate his visitation. He has them every other weekend, and most 3 day holidays, more during summer and school breaks. Right now they are over there for 12 days and it bugs me that he's probably working most of the time and they spend every day with her. I try not to think about it too much. After all, I am remarried and am a step mom to 3 myself. I would never make them call me mom, but I do spend a lot more time with them than my husband. I work part time and so I'm available to pick them up from school, take them to practices, etc. while my husband works. We have his kids 50% of them time.

While it really stinks to be away from my kids, I could not imagine still being married to their dad. I am so much better off with my husband. Now I know what real love feels like. Good luck, I hope you cheer up.

L., I can completely relate and in fact ask myself the same question once in a while. The decision to divorce has its pros and cons for both you and your daughter. What pains me the most is during the most trying moments I feel like a decision that was good for me is not always good for my son (as in now he has to spend time alone with a man that thought nothing of our family when we were together and was mentally and physically abusive - my efforts through the court to protect my son failed but that's another posting for another time) - and then I feel guilty. In those moments, I have to let myself feel my feelings and accept the reality for whatever it is for us at that moment.

I love my son and made the best decision that I could with situation that was before us. I will always be there for him and I do the very best I can with him, while he is with me. I'm also prepared to take any legal action I have to, to protect him. Children are perceptive and have an intuition.

I also relate to your statement about things are only smooth if you do everything that he wants...same in my situation. Stay strong...stand up for what you feel is right...and hug your little girl extra tight every chance you get.

L.,

I GET IT!!!

I absolutely understand where you are coming from. Like you, I work Full-Time, and only get weekends with my Daughter. Other than that, she's in After-School Care, or Summer Camp while I am at work.

Although my Divorce made me feel a certain way about my Ex, we Co-Parent our Daughter very well. He travels for a living, and pretty much does the 6 months on, 6 off thing. Just like your situation, when he has his Girlfriend, or Family over, he pretty much dumps our Daughter off on the Female. My Daughter is always sad when she comes home, because she says "Daddy doesn't make time for me."

Now, the Step Mom thing.....I can see where your sad feelings come from. Your Daughter's world was turned upside down with the Divorce, your Days and Nights with her are now limited, and in comes someone new (that she HAS to spend most of her time with) at her Father's home.

ALL of this is strange to her, and somewhat unfair, but unfortunately, it is what it is. It IS nice that you have developed a good relationship with the new Stepmother, but your Ex HAS to start making at LEAST an effort to try to free up some time for his Daughter.

I know how it feels when she's not with you at home.The overwhelming Guilt, because she has to be shuffled back and forth.....all of it really sucks!

I will tell you this....my Ex recently sent me a "HELP ME" text message. He said he feels like he's losing his Daughter. I have told him for MONTHS to make more time for her, and he wouldn't listen.

Your Ex doesn't want this to happen......

I hope he wakes up, before it's too late!!

Hang in there.....do what I do. Make sure ALL the housework and errands are run before your Daughter comes back to you, then spend all of the time you can with her.

Oh, and another thing.....IGNORE all of the people in here who feel like they need to try and BULLY you with their insensitive comments!! There is a RIGHT and a WRONG WAY to give "Constructive Criticism." Some people have pretty PATHETIC lives themselves, and try to come here to tear others down. Just had to put a poster in check yesterday about that! LOL!!

Stay Strong my Dear!!

I'm sorry you are going through this. However, your SWH should answer your question about him taking time off. You said "I expect," it's something you want, not him. If he is home every night and on the weekends, why should he have to take off the day from work?

*I* would do it. I'm not your ex-husband though. As long as she is having fun there, I don't think you have any say in the matter.

I take off time in the summer to spend a few days with my kids (on top of my every other Friday off), my husband doesn't. He takes off for our vacation time only. Last year, I took the kids to SC to visit my sister and BIL, and then we drove to Myrtle Beach. My husband met us there. He didn't have the full week to take off.

What I'm saying is you're not married anymore, you don't get to expect him to do things the way you would be able to if you were still married. But I guarantee your daughter is happier with a happy mom and dad apart versus an unhappy home just to have mom and dad there.