Feeling like Failure as Mom...

As a teacher...I know that I treated parents very differently before I was one. Now that I have walked a mile in their shoes, I word things differently and see things differently. It is not that I didn't care - I just didn't understand the full extent of the work that goes into raising a child. Is it possible that these teachers are not parents? I wish I could go back to all those parents that feel the way you do because of me and say, "I'm sorry."

I hope next year is better for you.

It is so sad to realize that the synical nature of the world is even trickling down to our children. I understand that it is particularly hard for a SAHM, because if we dont get praise about our children, we dont get praise for anything else!! Our children are our jobs, and it seems a rather thankless job at that!! I think if it were me, I would honestly address it with the teacher. Explain your concerns and see what she says. My guess is that it is a simple problem of time. I imagine that during conferences, there is a limited amount of chat time, so they go straight to the areas of concern. Maybe the teacher assumes that you know based on report cards, that your children are generally well behaved, and so she takes the time to focus on ways they can push to be better. I used to get rave reviews about how polite and well behaved my oldest was, and it made me feel like all of the work I was doing paid off. I dont get tons of negative remarks, but I dont get lots of posiitve either, and now even she is reacting negatively toward me. Many days I too go to bed feeling like I have given and given, and there has been nothing done or said to show any appreciation, if anything, all I hear about it what I did not do!! That said, I have been in my daughters class, and see why the teacher does not spend much time on her concerns, she sees me as a mother who is involved, and will tackle any problems that might arise at home. There are soo many parents that dont do anything, and I really think that those are the kids that require so much from the teacher. Maybe your teachers assume that because you do have gerenally good kids, you can get right on correcting the problem yourself. So, I would simply ask for any suggestions or ideas. Let them know that you need the help. And, the shool year is almost over, maybe next year you will have a teacher with a different personality. Sorry to go on..I really relate to your concerns, and hope that for all of us, in the end, we will have successful happy adults that will at least tell us what a good job we did at our 50th anniversary party :) ~A.~

C.,

I have a very young daughter (18mo) so I'm not in your shoes (yet!), but I think that that Amber has a point about the teacher feeling like you probably already know that your kids are straight A students and well-behaved so she is trying to offer (what she likely thinks of as constructive) concerns for you to work on. Or, perhaps the teacher feel like the parent/teacher time should be spent on areas for improvement and not praise.

Perhaps you should be bold and say, "wow, Sally's report card paints such a different picture! Are the grades not representative of how well she's doing?" Hopefully, the teacher would then feel obliged to explain her negative comments and you could go from there - either there really is a problem or she will correct herself and tell you why she is pointing out "sally's" short-comings.

Don't let the negative comments get you down. Your children are obviously doing well in school and you sound a like a great Mom to me!

If you feel that you are getting conflicting info from the teachers, schedule a conf. with them before the end of the year and share that. Ask specifically, "where have you seen the most improvement with them this year", and "what do we need to work on over the summer to be prepared for next year", then finish with "HOW specifically would you suggest we practice those skills/lessons?". If you don't feel like you are getting the answers you need, try scheduling the conf. with the vice-principal or counselor as well as the teacher. Maybe someone else hearing it would help. You really should get this resolved before the end of the year, though, so you don't worry about it all summer. It's so easy as a mom to feel discouraged- it's much more ovbious what our kids do wrong than what they do right sometimes! You may just need to start taking the control of the information transfer between yourself and teachers- they may not even realize they are only sharing negative stuff.

Hi C.,

If I were you, I would communicate exactly what you just said to your children's teachers. Tell them in the nicest way that this is the way you feel, and see what they say. They may not even realize they are doing this, so calling their attention to it might open the communication. If it doesn't, at least you tried. Most likely, they are not meaning to make you feel this way. There are some people out there that do want to make people miserable, but that is usually the exception.

Good Luck and God Bless,
A.

I am in college to be a teacher. In our classes they have told us not to tell the parents negative things unless we are in a parent teacher conference either at the school or on the phone. They have also taught us to point out the positive things too. I just had a meeting at the school last week for one of my kids and the teachers had strengths and weaknesses pointed out.

My 6 yr olds teacher keeps telling me he is doing good but he needs to practice his sight words, I do not even know what his sight words are. I can guess a few of them. She use to send them home with him. I have asked for the list over and over. His reading level is not where I would like it to be but she never sends books home so he can practice at home.

One of my other sons 1st grade teacher was always telling me he was doing good, even when I thought he wasn't. The following year they put him in resource because he was so far behind. He has now caught up but it still bugs me.

I have a younger child, but this is one of my fears. But I have been encouraged that I don't need other peoples approval to know how my child is developing. I am not sure if that is helpful, but know that there is a special gift in being a mommy, it isn't a magical formula that just happens. It takes hard work and it sounds like you are working hard. It may not be anything you see for a while, but know when you look at them they are your sweet little children that you get the chance to love...they will know that. I think it is awesome that you get to spend time at home with your children. I wish I could be home more with my little girl, they bring such joy!!

Sounds like a teacher who assumes you already know all the many positives, so she uses her precious and limited time to go straight to the point. I'll be willing to bet she has no clue she is giving you this negative impression; even management in the corporate world can act like this teacher. Not for a lack of wanting to give positive feedback, but for sheer lack of time. The truth is, if one hears 10 positive things and one negative, the tendancy is to dwell on that one negative. Just print out what you said above, schedule a conference asap, and have a heart-to-heart with the teacher. In the meantime, don't let outside influences rule your feelings about yourself and the job you are doing. When you dig down to the real truth, you know you are doing a fantastic job. Believe that, tell yourself that everyday. Pretty soon, it won't really matter if you get positive feedback or not.

Hi,

My kids are 2 and 5, and I feel the same way. It's pretty humbling when one of your kids needs speech therapy at 3 and therapy for extreme temper tantrums at 4. We've done a lot of testing, and it all boils down to a speech delay with a very strong will, but it's embarrassing to be legendary at the Mother's Day Out and at church. And forget about getting invited to birthday parties, playdates, or hiring good babysitters. Luckily, he's growing out of this stage and is doing so much better. However, when staying at home with kids is your fulltime job and this is what you deal with you think, "My heavens, I really stink at this!" The funny thing is I have a bachelor and a masters degree in communications, and I have a kid with a speech delay! I comfort myself by saying that it could be worse, and that there are moms out there who are dealing with kids with terminal diseases or other really hard issues and they would probably give their right arms to have my problems, but that doesn't make my struggles disappear or make my life any less isolating. Motherhood is hard; harder than any other job because there aren't any regular performance reviews, there are so many opinions or suggestions to the point that there might as well be no suggestions, and each kid is so different and each stage is different. (Just when I get something figured out, it changes!) I could go on and on, but all that to say, "I feel your pain!"

As for the teacher's comments you could bring that up in a teacher/parent conference about the mixed messages you are getting from the teacher. You could say something like this, "When you see me you tell me what is wrong with my kid without offering me any tips on how I can fix the problem, and yet on the report cards there are glowing comments. I am confused and disheartened by this." Then let the teacher respond. They may not realize they are doing that. Keep in mind that some bosses and other types of people think it's their job to point out areas needing improvement and wouldn't dream of giving compliments! I don't know about you, but I'm getting to the point that if someone gives me criticism about my child without offering any suggestions to fix the problem I'm getting close to saying, "Don't tell me anything unless you are prepared to help me fix it." (Most of the time I have already tried their tips without success, but to be fair sometimes you have to wait awhile and try them again. Sometimes it is just a timing thing.)

One mother of 3 told me to remember that my kid doesn't have to be perfect. I'm still thinking about that one. Meanwhile, I try the best I can, love them all that I can, and pray that God will fill in the gaps where I have messed up or missed something. Motherhood is the hardest job I have ever had, and no one told be how lonely it could be, but I'm glad I get to be a mother. I still wouldn't trade my kids for other kids. I count myself blessed to be a mom even if I give myself a "C" for ability. Sorry this is so long. I guess I needed to vent!

Holly M.

What could they be struggling with if they're making straight A's?
Only thing I can think of is that their struggles are behavioral issues, which is common for bright kids. I agree that you should ask what the teacher is getting at when she points out their "struggles" because you aren't sure what you can do to help them improve. I have friends who are elementary teachers and they are more than willing to partner with parents to help children in their class. So, asking the teacher's advice would seem a good place to start, especially if they're not readily offering it.
As far as behavioral issues and bright kids, the teacher should know how to keep them occupied if they're chattering and being a distraction when they're bored. If not, you should seek out any programs the school offers that will challenge your children appropriately.

Not everyone is as good as communicaation as they should be. Since I don't know what the issues are, when the teacher brings it up again, ask for ideas on how to improve or further the scenario so you understand what's going on.

Tell the teacher what her importnat concerns are, and ask pointedly what positive things your child has to offer in the class.

This would bug me too, so squeeze all the info out of the teacher next time, if they want to complain, then they need to come with constructive critizm and information for you!

C.,
Wow!! You know being a parent is a hard job, being a teacher is also difficult, they have 22-25 kids to teach, parent and guide to the future. I am sure that when you get the responses on the reportcard and they are great, its because the teacher has had the time to sit and reflect on your specific child and put her feelings down, when its a problem comment its off the cuff, along with her busy day and issues that come up. Believe me I know I have a child with ADHD and he is a wonderful boy but I do hear allot of negative when I wonder why they don't see what Isee, his sweetness and caring disposition and his helpful attitude and alot of other wonderful qualitis, but they do. I am sure you are doing a great job and your children are happy right? they get good grades and you know they are wonderful! And most of all God knows they are too!! You only have to please him not everyone else. We can only do the best we can with what we have in this world your never gonna please everyone. Just love your children and let them know you are ALWAYS there for them and you build them up, the rest will work out.
Good Luck and God Bless!!
____@____.com
I'm 47 and have three children and two grandchildren so I've been there!

Maybe they're just covering their bases and laying a foundation to say that something should be investigated, like Dyslexia or some other learning disability. That way next year, next teacher, if they find a problem, the old teacher can say "I documented it."

Have you spoken directly with their teachers, alone -without - your children with you? Just ask for more details on the areas that they have concerns. Ask for specific examples and what happens before or after these events occur. Are the concerns only behavioral or also academic? If this has occurred with more than one specific teacher then there probably is something to what they are saying but it does not make any specific statement about you or your ability to "mother". No matter how much it may hurt to hear, our children are not us. I feel the same way about my daughter but in the pits of my tummy and heart I know she really is her own person. She will do and make decisions that I dont like or may even be embarrassed by.

Clearly you children are doing well academically, as noted in their report card and the teachers may just prefer to share their concerns about their behaviors directly to you rather on a formal record which could prove more damaging than just a conversation. I really think you should have a conference and speak openly about your concerns and feelings but most importantly, remember to listen.
Good Luck, mothering is way more difficult than teaching. I've been a teacher for 17 years and a mother for 5. Neither job get it's rightful credit, I am sure you are a super mother!

In my former life before I was a stay at home mom I was a 5th grade teacher. Let me tell you you are not a failure! If you are not hearing any postive comments from the teachers except on the report card think of it this way . . . on their permenant record they are doing great! Great grades great encouraging comments. It sounds like in person they have forgotten the golden rule of constructive critisim - you sandwhich it between 2 compliments. I would even ask the teacher/teachers point blank and without acusation about the discrepency between what they say and what they write.

I know a lot of teachers focus on the positive, but if that school district does not promote that on a daily basis it can be lost track of. In my experience, some teachers have so little time with the parents that they feel when they do see you they have to get all the important stuff out first before they run out of time. This is usually the areas the child needs improvement in first. I would suggest just going to the teacher or email them and let them know how you feel. That you feel like you only hear the bad stuff and wonder if that is all your children are giving to the teacher. A parent needs to hear the positive in order to tell the child "I know you are doing wonderful with Spelling. Why don't we work on Math a little harder tonight." You know that would get a better response out of you and the kids. Just talk to them. The teachers seem to have lost track of the GOOD things about having a parent who actually wants to discuss their children.