Father - Daughter Relationship - San Diego,CA

Please just keep reminding him that she loves him! My daughter is 2.5 also and has started in the "No, not you" or "Only Mommy" or "Mommy's better" or most recently which I could tell really stung- "I don't like you, I only love mommy!"

I thought he might cry when he told me...just stick it out and stay as a team. Remind her often that daddy loves her and that she loves him and it's not nice to act that way.

May be mean but my husband will make a really sad face and I will tell her she made him sad and go on about "Oh man, that was rude! Daddy's sad, better tell him sorry" She is getting that it is not okay but it's a slow process!

Hang in there.

Consider putting her into positions where she has to rely on him.
For myself, I work two nights a week and Saturdays and my husband stays home with them while I work just as I stay with them during the day while he works. We've done this since they were born so they don't know any different and it has put him in the position to be as "in charge" of the kids as I am. He has to feed them dinner and bathe them and put them in bed and everything in between several times a week. Because of this our kids expect as much and rely on him as much as they do me and show us equal respect.
Now I know now we're in a special situation that works for us but consider taking "me" time for yourself and leaving her alone with him more often. Or even them having daddy-daughter dates weekly so they can have more one on one time and grow more attached to him.
If she sees him as this guy who just comes and goes and doesn't form a stronger bond then it's just going to lead to a lifetime of disrespect for him.

Is your Husband more strict than you? If so, maybe that is why.

Also, the book "Your 2 Year Old" or "Your 3 Year Old" which you can get from www.amazon.com is real great, explaining the characteristics of each age set. Although written years ago, it is still very enlightening and pertinent.

ALSO, the book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" is great for adults to learn how to talk to kids... and in return, so that our children will talk to us- which is what you want.
I REALLY recommend both these books.

Ultimately, you and your Husband have to be a united front. Do NOT let her play parents against each other. If your girls shuns your Husband... tell her something like "We are FAMILY... your Daddy loves you etc., and we treat each other nicely..."
Or ask her WHY she ignores your Husband. She may not even know why herself, at this age... or maybe she does have a reason.

My kids, sometimes did that to my Husband too. And, we taught them that for Daddy, it was important that when he comes home that they "welcome" him and at least give him a hug. My Husband would actually feel "hurt" if they ignored him. We sat the kids down and explained this.... that it is just our "tradition."

Also, you NEED at even this age, to have SIMPLE things/chores that your daughter can do.... maybe even 3 times a week. Just "helping" the family kind of thing. So that they learn how to be a PART of the family.
For example: when my daughter wants cereal, we tell her to get her own bowl, which we place in a reachable spot for her in the kitchen. BUT, prior to that, she would tell us "I don't know how to make cereal by myself, I don't know where the spoon is..." And she was genuinely puzzled. So, we TAUGHT her and SHOWED her where the utensils are in the kitchen. We at least expected her to get her own bowl and spoon. So we taught her how.
Even my son, at that age of 2 years old, we taught him HOW to "help" and put away things, get a cup of water for himself etc. And he does it. You NEED to teach them that. At this age, they can do simple things... which is in line with their age and development. Both my kids are SUPER independent too.... but we taught them HOW to "ask" for help.... and manners and cooperating as a family, "together." It takes practice... so don't expect improvement over night though. So you have to be consistent.
If my kids balked at even getting their own cup of water for example, I didn't jump up and get it for them. I let them grumble and stew about it and just said "You can do it... you know how... Mommy is sitting down now reading the paper..." and eventually they would get it themselves. Because they knew I would not do it for them. It is "teaching" them that Mommy is not "the maid." And that sure although I do do a lot for them, THEY are responsible too... and in how they ask politely too, and that for me the key being that "they try their best" first. It doesn't have to be "prefect" but that they at least try to "help" and respect that we ALL (Mommy and Daddy included) "help" in the house.

Just some ideas.

All the best,
Susan

encourge him to pick her up and kiss her when he comes home play with her and other things help him makd he a part ove her life good luck A. no hills

I dealt with this issue as well. One complication is that even the most patient and loving husband and father can become resentful of being shunned by someone they love and are knocking themselves out for.

We dealt with the problem head on, or rather I did. I told my daughter that it was not ok with mommy for her to be mean to or ignore daddy. I would time her out - put her in her crib when she ignored him. When she got home from preschool (and now school) there was no tv, snack what have you until she checked in with Daddy. And it is a long process. I feel it is important that you be the actor in this - you don't want Daddy covered with any bad juju.
I know this is a bit of "faked" affection but by reinforcing her respect for him, slowly but surely they built a bridge to one another. A very important thing my husband did is that he taught her to swim. Some special way that your husband can connect with your daughter is important. Now my daughter and husband are close, in a very different way but important way than she and I are. Hope this helps. It is really painful and tense when your 2 beloveds aren't getting along.

Hi D.,
To me, I feel like you need to let them spend quality time with eachother.......ALONE! Go out....get a pedicure, let him take her to the park or mall. I'm sure it will all change when he has a bigger part in her life.
Try it.
Good luck.

Don't worry...shes still mommys girl...my youngest just turned 2 and does the same....give it another year...just make sure he doesnt stop giving her attention....it will happen

Are you a stay home mom? That may be part of it. My little one is getting that way with his dad, because dad works all day, 6 days a week, and is not around a whole lot furing his waking hours.

What we started doing is having father-son time with me away from the house or them out together. It helps to forge a bond between the two. Sometimes the child is just used to being around 1 person most of the time.

Try to encourage daddy-dates for them. This may help. Good luck.

Hi D.,

All I can say is give it more time. My daughter will be 3 1/2 soon and is just now starting to like her Daddy although she still ignores him alot. I don't know why she is like that. My husband has tried everything, poor guy. I have heard from friends that it will switch one day and next thing you know, she will be treating you the same way. I hope not, but I know it is not uncommon. We have just learned to deal with it and embrace the times when she is loving towards her father.

Good Luck!

Dear D.,

As a parent coach, I would invite you to consider the following questions:

1) When your daughter reports to you that she does not want to comply with your husband, do you validate her feelings and let her know that you understand what she is feeling? (Note that that is not the same as allowing her not to do what was asked.)

2) It sounds as if your daughter has some strong feelings about your husband. It may just be a result of his leaving for work each day. Have you discussed with her why it seems that she is mad at Dad? Maybe Dad would want to have the conversation with her himself. You might get some helpful information.

3) Toddlers struggle for power in their worlds. Defiance and ignoring your husband are your daughter's attempts to assert herself. Below is an article I wrote that might be of some help in this regard. Alternatively, can it be OK for your daughter to express her feelings in these ways at times?
http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/7/21_The_Ga...

If I can be of any further help, feel free to contact me.

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

I know the title says father daughter, but in your explanation/question you refer to him as only your husband... is this her bio dad? At that age I don't know if it matters, but it might... just something that popped in to my head.

Never to early to start having father daughter dates... maybe they need to spend time together... just the two of them. You go for a mom's day :)

I don't have any solutions for you, but my daughter was the same way. I was THE parent, the one that did everything. Yeah he was there, but I was still the one running the show. She knew it. My daughter (probably about 3) actually told him one day that he couldn't tell her what to do, only mommy could - ha!
I would work on teaching her compassion at this point - "It's not nice to ignore Daddy. It hurts Daddy's feeling when you don't say hi. You should go give Daddy a big hug and welcome him home"

You say that it isn't separation issues but it could be. Just because he has been there since she was born if he is the parent that works outside the home then he is absent during the day which a child can view as separation.

My cousin has experienced the same issue with her two children. Her husband is a firefighter so he is at home more with the children than my cousin who is at work 8 hours each day plus commuting time to and from. She noticed that their daughter would listen to her husband more than she would listen to her.

If you are the parent that is at home more frequently so that your daughter feels more attached or bonded with her dad you might want to incorporate her in doing special things for daddy. You and her can draw a picture for daddy that you can tell her she can give to him as a surprise when he comes home. Or you can have her "help" with getting ready for daddy to come home and have dinner. If you have plates that aren't breakable she can set daddy's spot at the table. A special one on one time with her dad might help. Maybe when he comes home you can do a short trip of talking a walk around the block so they have time with just each other.

I don't know how your husband deals with her when she is trying to do something. If he takes over and tries to do it for her then she might be frustrated and this is the reason that she ignores him later in other situations. And the two of you need to be a team and let her know now that when you or your husband tells her to do something that she needs to listen and do what is asked of her. If you let her play parent against parent it will only get worse as she gets older. Manipulation is not a good cycle to get into.