Family Fire

Right here, and right now, one thing: YOU ROCK! You're fantastic, better than fantastic, you're brilliant! :) :) :)

And you've already got the number one thing that will turn this event from something that could be tragic and breaking, to a fun adventure that will be bonding. You've got attitude. Shake that walk, smile at your enemy, laugh with the people you love, improvise, adapt, & o.v.e.r.c.o.m.e. ATTITUDE. And that attitude is going to accomplish EXACTLY what you're asking of us. Woman, you rock.

Okay, my gushing aside, here's some brainstorming & ideas:

- Once you know what your insurance payout is going to be, allot a specific amount to each of your kids (even the 10 year old, who'll need more help), to redo their rooms. Include in the budget money for the bed & etc. TELL each of your children what that amount is, and that they need to research, price, & plan it all out. (Don't let them forget things like curtains/sheets/carpet/alarm clock/paint/etc. Have them put together a portfolio, with a coversheet of items & prices so you can easily go down the list and check it off. They get to totally design their own rooms. As long as they stay in budget, & get all of the things you say they need (no, honey, you may not have a tent for a bed) they get a once in a lifetime chance. One or all may be hideous (to your or my standards)...but it will be THEIRS.

- Have each person pick out their "favorite" piece of wreckage. This could be a piece of charred wood, a melted phone, fused glass, whatever...and get them in shadowboxes. Again, let them know ahead of time, so they can think about it. You could mount all 6 of them somewhere in your new house (if you do this it might be especially cool to have everyone sign their name to their mat), or let each one keep theirs to go in their room. Up to you.

- Have a wake for your house. Make it a big party. Nothing assuages & takes the edge off of grief so much as recognition of it. A wake is my personal favorite, because you're crying & laughing & letting go all at the same time. It gives a happy moment to look back on when you're feeling sad, that's in the "present"...aka...after tragedy.

- I have some friends who their son and daughter filmed the demo of their house after it collapsed an earthquake and then flooded from the watermains. Then they both did the overdubbing separately. The son did starwars like sound effects, WWII planes diving and bombing, all with Mariah Carrey overlay, and spliced together with footage and stills of their house before the quake...that had everyone in tears. The daughter did a series of Monty Python like sketches that had us all in stitches ((one where one of the characters was trying to sell the house to another. The seller was describing the house as it used to be, & the buyer was like "Whaddoyou mean new roof? I see a big gaping hole open to the sky." ..."Oh no no, you see there, those red tiles there"..."You mean the ones in a big pile on the ground that a dog is peeing on?"..."No, no! There, above the atrium." ..."Not only does a tree sticking through one wall NOT count as an atrium....")). I don't know if this would be something any of yours would be interested in doing, but it was a really interesting process to watch them going through & complete. Especially as they both went in such totally opposite directions with it.

- Buy a door. A standard sized, interior door, complete with knob. (If you change your mind on the hardware later, you can always replace it.) Keep it in your hotel room. And start marking off the height of your kids. It typically takes a year or so to rebuild. You'll want somewhere to record it. It can even be the last thing you put in the new house after you've finished building.

- Betting pools. Gawd, we know estimates are, shall we say...a pain in the keister? For every stage of construction, including demo...give your kids what the "estimate" is for the timeframe and have them bet what the day will ACTUALLY be. The winner gets a sundae.

- Down comforters & pillows from IKEA now. Magic blankies for everyone. They're inexpensive (if money is no object, you could go elsewhere...but i've found theirs to be fantastic...and they range from 20-100 bucks), you can buy "temporary" plain white duvets for them (if they're redesigning their rooms, they'll probably want to pick out "cool" duvets later)...andd you'll all have something warm and snuggly NOW that you then also get to take into the new house, and match with whatever the decor is going to be. Blank canvass as it were.

That's all I can think of at the moment. If anything else comes to mind, I'll toss it up.

Hang in there, good luck, & KEEP that attitude of yours.

:) :) :)
R

T.: I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. My family went through a house fire when I was about 11, so I know how traumatic an experience it can be. You're already in the right frame of mind -- the important thing is that everyone got out safely. Stuff is just stuff and can be replaced. I think Riley gave you some great ideas. Here are a couple more:

1) If you lost family photos, ask friends and family if you can borrow their copies to more made for yourself. Grandparents are great sources for this... school pics, Christmas cards, etc. They have usually saved them all!

2) After our fire, our friends threw us "showers". Kind of like a baby shower, these showers helped replace some of the things we lost... which was everything. We were lucky enough to get showers individually -- I got one thrown from the families at my dance studio, my parents each got one thrown by their co-workers. They were great, and so very appreciated. Perhaps you have people in your life who might do the same for you.

Finally... don't give up on your cat yet. We had a cat at the time of our fire. The Firemen told us that if the cat had perished in the fire, it would have been obvious by the remains and the smell. We didn't see anything like that. About a week later, my parents went to the house to get the mail and heard my cat... screaming at them from up in a huge oak tree that grew behind our house. She was scared to death and wouldn't climb down, so my dad had to climb up to get her. Hopefully your kitty is just scared and hiding somewhere in the nearby area. Keep an eye out for her!

Good luck to you all!

Hi T.:
Unfortunately,Most of us don't realize,just how fortunate we are. I don't think we could begin to imagine the devastation,loss and heartache of watching our home,and all the memories we held dear there go up in flames.Please except my heartfelt sympathy for you and your family. My first thoughts,were Thank God,that you all are safe and together. This is something,that I'm sure you've expressed to your children. Material things can be replaced,but there is no replacement for A loved one. Children find security,in familiarity. They grow to love their surroundings,and the normalcy of A routine. What we may deem unimportant or trivial,like returning home from school and tossing our books in the same corner,is something they will miss.I suppose, I'd try to begin some sort of a routine,so they can at least gain some of that security back. Then I'd tell them,that while we all are saddened by this,We need to be grateful,that we all have each other to lean on.When the house is rebuilt,or you move to another,we can start anew. You can look forward to changing the whole look of your room. I'd allow them to go and pick out what new bed spreads,and deco they'd like and other ideas for their NEW HOME.I do wish only the best for your entire family T.. J. M.

Hi,
I don't have any advice about your 'loss' and wanting to make it better for your kids at this time. I have advice on how to get your cat back, since it sounds like he didn't perish in the fire.

Put some food and water at your old home...somewhere near it. He WILL find it. Cats typically eat at dusk and morning. So when you see the cat food 'disappearing' every day. Go back at dusk and just wait. You may have to wait 15 minutes or a few hours. It may be better to wait in your car since he may be severely 'spooked' after being traumatized by the fire, loss of his family and subsequently, having to fend for himself as a stray.

Good luck.

Hi, T.. I'm so sorry for your loss. This is devastating. When this happened to us about a year and a half ago, we also lost everything too. (My boys were 6,8,12,16). One thing we really focused on is that we were all ok, and that what we lost was just "stuff". We also talked about how blessed we were by the people who stepped up to help us - we got meals from neighbors we'd never met, clothes from churches we didn't attend, furniture was given to us, etc. We were really blessed in a lot of ways. I tried to recover one thing for each of my kids so they had something, but that actually didn't seem as important to them as it did to me. We just kind of moved forward and didn't dwell on it, but talked about it if it bothered us, and tried to laugh through the difficulties. We were home when ours caught fire and we watched our house burn. (I still don't enjoy the smell of a barbeque.) One of my little boys had bad dreams so we'd talk about how we were all ok, about fire detectors, etc. We also met with the fire department and talked with them which I think helped the kids feel safer.
If you have any questions or need encouragement or anything else, please email me. Also, please let me know if your family or you need anything I can send you.
Hang in there. You will make it through this.

Dear T.,
Sorry to hear about your loss. After reading all of the posts you got a lot of people who have given great suggestions. My family went through a fire too. We lost EVERYTHING. I agree with everyone who say ATTITUDE is everything. If you remain positive and hopeful, your children will see that and feel your strength. Be the rock for your family.

Some things things that helped me (I was 18 at the time). We asked my school for a yearbook. They were more than happy to help with that. Have your child's friends sign it for you kids. Maybe have a little summer party with friends for the yearbook signing. Get pictures from friends and family and have your children create their own scrapbook of the pictures you do have. I found it soothing to go through the ashes to try and find things that held a memory. I found chips of china, old keys, etc. Have your children make a memory box with them.

All the while keep reminding your children that the memories are really all safe in your mind. The "stuff" that was lost is replaceable. Family is what is the most important.

Recovering from a fire is a long process that never really goes away. I still think about little things that were lost. Something hard for me were the lost Christmas ornaments. Before Christmas comes, create a new tradition of creating new ornaments for the tree that represent the year.

My heart is with your family during this time. Take it one day at a time.
Love,
J.

I am so sorry for your losses. I would try to remind the children how lucky you all are to have each other! And that you all are healthy and safe! Material can be replaced but your lives can not! Again I am so sorry, it is easier said than done. Hang in there!

Way to look for the gratitude T., your family is very fortunate to have a wife and mom like you. :)
When we have had friends loose their homes to fire we have had "showers" for them. Perhaps you could have each one in your family write a list, and ask a friend or your church if you have one, to have a "shower for you all". :D
Blessings to you all,
V.

Hi T.,
Last October our house caught on fire. Did not burn down but had no electric, no kitchen, it was a mess & the only rooms that were not ruined were bedrooms & bathrooms. we continued to live in the house & used the $$$ the insurance co. gave us for a rental towards upgrades during rebuilding. It took 7 months for completion of everything! We are lucky, we are grandparents & had no small children to worry about. We had a roof (with some holes) but no ceiling which made the house VERY cold during winter months! the only source of heat, an electric blanket. we did manage to get electricity to the bedrooms. I used a little plug in heater in the one room where we have a comp. We plugged a microwave, toaster & a little mini fridge in this room also. I also picked up a little elctric burner. I used the gas BBQ grill for EVERYTHING!!! it also has a burner on one side so was able to cook eggs, bacon potatoes, everything for breakfast. Even made a cake on the grill which turned out fantastic. We had no T.V. this whole time & comp only about 1/2 that time. I got a little DVD player to watch DVDs on when I was bored! I think it is important to make the best out of your situation, an adventure in life. & you are building a lifetime of memories to share & laugh about later & just think of the newly redone fresh house you will all have when it is done. My home is so beautiful now & I say it was a blessing in disguise!!! Hang in there. Make believe you're on vacation whether camping or in a hotel. It will be O.K.!!!
C.

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I would offer some advice but it sounds like you have such a good attitude already. That along with love will get you through for your kids. We don't need as much as we think we do.

I am so sorry for your lose. You seem to be okay, are you really? How are the kids handling this? We just lost our lives due to the economy and the thing that kept us from completely falling apart was communication and a great sense of humor. We always speak with our kids and if someone is scared then we talk about it. If we are not sure about something, we talk about it and somehow we always found the humourus side of things. But it is our faith in GOD that really worked for us. Give it all to Him and make sure that the kids have a strong foundation for their own spirituality. If you do not belief in GOD then whatever your higher power is, is what is going to keep you all as a family. Trust in each other and make the rebuilding a real family thing. Pick out new things together and then remind the children that they are all just things and that nothing can replace family members. Prayers and blessings to you all.

Have you tried looking up fire victim support groups? or maybe there is something through the Red Cross?

You and your entire family are in my thoughts. You sound absolutely amazing! Your children are very lucky.

Is it safe to assume you guys are being taken care of? Have a place to stay, etc..?

Sorry, I'm of no help!

All the best,
M.

I am so sorry, I would not even know how to start.
but I wanted to wish you all the best.
-c

Dear T.,
I am sooooo very sorry to hear this. The things that life has to offer us can be very difficult. I have not, nor to do I claim to have ever been through such a devastating loss, but I may have a few things that will help. We have been through about 4 years of hardship in our family and we have come a long way. We lost our home, though not to fire, just due to economy and have had to work with our children, 15 and 9, to understand that process.
The first thing is we do have a faith and church in which we are involved. I really believe this has been the most beneficial. Our family has learned to cut back, spend little and find fun ways to spend time together, realizing that none of us are unhealthy, we are together, and we are strong. Together we have accomplished much in the last 4 years through rebuilding. We count our blessings each day and are so happy to have one another.
This can be a stress for you and your husband too. You need to remain strong and supportive and know this is just a small part of your life and that the best part will come from the ashes of this moment. Keep loving one another and you'll make it through.
Depending on where you are staying and how easy it is to do things, keep some of the same things you do with your family intact. If you go for ice cream, to the beach, or whatnot, keep those things in place, it just may not be as often while trying to rebuild. Keep some semblance of what was before, that should be a comfort.
I have a friend who lost her home in the Sylmar fires last year. I also met another lady, whose whole family practically lived there also that lost a lot. Out of six families, 5 lost their homes. Some of the responses when it happened was sadness, loss, why and devastation. Now a year or so later, they have learned more of what life is about and what not to be attached to. They have built stronger family unity and decided what is truly important. You will miss the things you can't replace, but some felt that it was more freeing than anything. Kind of a different view, huh?
I don't know if I am just running on. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. I hope that something of what I have typed here for you will help. Just know that we are not given more than we can handle, it's just how we choose to handle it.
~~D.

I am so saddened to hear about the loss of your home, but thank goodness your family is physically okay. Our family went through something similar in 2007 and while we did not lose our entire home, we were displaced for about 6 months and lost our car and some of the contents of the home due to the fire. I would establish daily routines wherever you are living now that center on family and the importance of family versus importance of possessions. It may be awhile before your children can replace their lost possessions, if ever, and you have to help them deal with that. Especially the things that had sentimental value to them. Some of the lost contents will not be able to be replaced, as stores may no longer carry those items. As far as your cat, I hope that he is found soon. My cats also went through the fire and suffered emotional setbacks for a long time because of it. They are not the same, personality-wise. They are now much more anxious. When your cat is found, I would make sure to have him checked out by the vet as soon as you can to rule out health problems. Let your children help you choose furniture for the rebuilding of the house. Make a scrapbook with pictures of the rebuilding and encourage them to journal about what it feels like to rebuild and have changes in their lives. Just encourage your family to continue communicating with each other and having meaningful daily interaction. Also, seek counseling for any family member that needs help in coping with these recent changes your family has undergone.

Best of luck,
J.

Please let me know if there are any needs that you or children have that I could help with. Keep up the good attitude. I am praying things go smooth.

T. A

I am really sorry for your loss. The only thing I can recommend is that you seek counseling if this depressive state continues. Life is one big adventure, yet children don't always see it that way. I have personally never experienced this kind of loss of material possessions, but sometimes it takes losing something to see what is of any value in our lives. You have a great support system with your family, and picking up the pieces is not an easy task. I pray that your cat ran away from the fire and will return to you and your family soon. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Seek help from the red cross, salvation army, and food banks when you need to, they are a big help also.

Wow, this brings back some memories. I am so sorry for your loss. My family home burned down 13 years ago while I was away at college -- it was also a total loss, including our two dogs. I can't say it's something you will move on from any time soon, but your attitude is everything! One of the things I remember doing as a family - and I'm sure you have already started - is make lists of everything for the insurance company. Sit around as a family and go through every cupboard, every drawer, every basket and write it down. It can not only be a "memory" game, but it's also a way to go through every item you lost and grieve it piece by piece as a family. It is not an easy thing to go through, and I pray for your strength and peace in the days, months and years to come.
I liked the other comment about re-doing bedrooms. That was a big deal for us and kind of fun, too...going through catalogs and showrooms and starting all over from scratch picking out new furniture and decorations all our own. Even though I was "out of the house" it was nice - and still is nice - to have my "own" bedroom in my parents' home when I visit.
Again, I pray for your family during this time -- no one can really understand the total loss you are feeling right now but you will get through it and your kids will be better adults because of it! I promise!

Dear T. and family,
My heart goes out to you and believe me, I know what I speak of. We lost our home in the October 2007 FIRESTORM that hit San Diego. We are still rebuilding and not in our home ON OUR BLOCK yet. I hope your recovery goes faster than my family's. I have four children, ages 27-14. Two girls, two boys. Your family will experience it all differently for each person. For you, as the mom, you will miss little things and it will not hit you until you need that one thing. You will be a different kind of person. Talk about the fire with each member of your family. Cry about it too. Grief over losing your home and security as you knew it, has to happen. I am sorry about your cat, but have faith it may come back. A friend of mine lost her home here in San Diego during the same fire, and she has been back in her new model - same place for a couple of months now and her cat she thought she lost, came back a few weeks after the family moved back in. This is a time to not be proud. Lean on your friends, family and extended family. Make your needs known - emotionally, physically, financially - don't refuse any help. I am part of a huge support group called FIRED UP SISTERS here in San Diego. We as the moms could not have survived if not for each other. If you need anything please let me know. We have moved 3 times since the fire and renting gets old. But you do it to make the family whole again. My youngest is 14 and he lost everything he treasured. We refer to it as a lesson that "LESS IS MORE". You learn the greatest gift is life and those you love. Most importantly, talk with your husband about his feelings. Men don't talk much and then it can come spewing out at a moment's notice. A support group for the guys was formed after the fires, but hardly any of them went to it. They wanted to be MEN. I wish you luck and will keep you in my prayers.