Experience or Stories of Adoptees Meeting Bio Parent/grand Parent

My sister in law gave up a baby in high school who recently found her. She loves getting to know how she's doing, that she had a good childhood and is a great person. The daughter has been happy to meet her and my MIL (who is not biologically related to her). The only problem has been her bio-dad, who never got over having to give the baby up for adoption (it was his parents who pushed for it) and has decided that now he can have the daughter he never got to raise. This has made things uncomfortable for sister in law, who is happy to have whatever relationship daughter wants, which is not a lot, and the daughter, as she does have her own parents already, and she's afraid the interactions with her ex, the girl's bio dad, is going to strain the nice relationship they have going.

Basically, it's ok to be cautiously optimistic, but you never know what you're going to get.

Well, my experience with my estranged cousin was that she had a particular idea of what happened and what kind of relationship we would have. I knew my adoptive/stepfather and had no interest in sugar coating anything about my childhood. Once that was clear, she dropped her correspondence. It almost made me feel like she was fishing for something.

In your case, I would treat her as she is - a long lost relative. She MAY become a close part of your family or she may not. She is a stranger to you right now and you should take your time getting to know her. Don't look to her as a replacement Grandma or pin anything on her just yet. This is your bus and you are driving. Just find out who she is, if you want more information from her, etc. You owe her no promises and can decline any phone calls or meetings you are uncomfortable with.

If you want a grandparent for your kids (I understand, my ILs are frail and cannot attend DD's events) then look around for "honorary" ones. One of my dear friends is practically DD's grandma.

I am adopted and I am having a hard time following you.

If my genetic background fell in my lap I would read it but beyond that I am not looking for upgrades. My kids have known I was adopted for as long as they can remember just as I have known for as long as I can remember. I guess to me being adopted is not something that has to wait to tell anyone, it is just a data point.

My best friend growing up lived across the street. She is a month younger and adopted through the same agency. She found her bio parents, spent some time with them, kind of got to know them. After that she really didn't call anymore, they never called, I don't think she has seen them in four years.

Everyone has their issues, just because we are adopted doesn't mean they are the same issues and I don't think being adopted allows me to offer you any insight. If my bio family showed up on my doorstep I would welcome them in and go from there but I am pretty chill with the whole thing.

I am not adopted, but can definitely understand that the people who raised you ARE your parents.

I think your fear of rejection from this new "relative" is misplaced. SHE reached out to you; I doubt she would have put the effort into finding you, just to reject you.

Also, don't worry so much about the smoking. People today are very aware of the dangers and not to smoke around children. So, as long as you put some ground rules re smoking in place from the start, it shouldn't be a problem.

I just read your SWH and really I think you are overthinking this as far as your kids go. They probably don't want or really need a big detailed explanation. Kids are very accepting of things. They may ask questions later about how this person happened to arrive in their lives but from the gate they probably won't care and they probably won't really even understand your explanation. KISS! (Keep it simple sister)

I have a small amount of experience. My dad married my step mom when I was 8 years old. When I was 40 she told me that she had given up a child for adoption when she was 16. She had many years before signed up on one of those sites for adopted children to find birth parents. Her son had finally reached out. It was a little tense at first. She wanted to be way more involved than he was ready for. But it did work out eventually. He was very clear that he had parents and was not looking for a parent. His children called her miss Mary not grandma. I would suggest that you meet her away from your children. And do not talk about her to them until you are very comfortable about what part YOU are comfortable with her playing. I would go in with no pre conceived notions. Good luck.

S., I just caution you-- be very aware of your own expectations as well as the expectations your maternal grandmother may have.

When I was about 13 or so, I decided to contact my bio dad. (My adoptive dad was the one who raised me from birth until he and my mom split when I was 8; then we saw him a lot less.) I did this because the parents in my life were failing me and I was looking to fill a hole. It took me about 25 years before this hole was actually resolved, and much of it had to do with me deciding to stop expecting more from him. I had to fill up that part of me which was lacking because, simply put, he couldn't. I've been made whole, in that way, because of my own work, acceptance of who his is-- and isn't-- and by realizing that none of his stuff has to do with me. It's his.

Part of learning to accept this reality-- that he can't be who I wanted him to be-- is acknowledging that it is a loss. But the other part is seeing what he does have to offer, and while it isn't as much as I would sometimes like, it is enough.

I see in your post a lot of judgment toward your MIL, in how you have graded her performance as a grandma. Might be good to think about why she is going to casinos, what sort of help or intervention she may need, or to consider what is missing from her life, because it sounds like she is trying to fill a hole as well.

If it were me, I would not go forward in introducing this new, unknown person as a grandparent at this point. You don't really know her. Get a chance to get a good sense about her before introducing family. She may have unfinished business of her own.. I don't know. We have had a number of adoption situations in our family at this point, and I have to say, everyone has something they are seeking-- sometimes, this comes from a really lovely and healthy place, sometimes not so much. So, just be cautious, careful, and have low expectations. Even the best of spoken intentions do not always materialize.

I'm just not as trusting as some. I would meet the person somewhere other than my house and without my kids, somewhere in another town from where i live. You have no idea of their character.

I would not speak of her to your kids for a good while. This is a stranger who is not in touch with their own daughter. You have no idea why that is that way, but it's a bet someone is being unreasonable and you don't know if it's you mom, or her mom, no matter what they tell you.

I guess I have been burned by a person who turned out to be completely untrustworthy and told many lies and I just have a hard time trusting someone who shows up on my doorstep wanting a relationship. I need verification before they know my address or my kids.

I don't have any experience with adoption, but I think that meeting your bio grandma could be a wonderful thing. She found you and has probably always felt that a part of her was missing when her daughter put you up for adoption. I think it could be really great for both of you. It would give you the chance to gain family now that your parents have passed away and you might discover a wonderful connection.

I would recommend meeting her alone, without your children. You'll be more comfortable that way and you won't be setting your kids up for disappointment if you decide not to build a relationship with her. I would try very hard not to call her grandma (and encourage others to do the same around your children), again so they don't have high expectations.

This is a huge decision. If you decide not to meet her, don't feel guilty. It is your choice and your life. But, I don't see the harm in meeting her (of course, it's easy for me to say that since I'm not in the situation). If you do meet, I hope you meet a wonderful woman and that you can build a nice relationship with her.

That is a tough one. My son who I gave up for adoption has not reached out to me. He will be 20 in August. I hope someday he looks for me.
I think for me and me only that I would not search for my son as I am the one who chose to give him up and he may not even know he was adopted.
Maybe you can get some questions answered first and go from there before introducing her to your family.
Many blessings and good luck

I can tell you my aunt gave up a son when she was young. I am not certain how young, but she was still living at home.

My mother comes from a very small town, where today the population is 14,500. The family is large and pride was the name of their game. Today, it all sounds like an oxymoron, but my grandmother was extremely controlling and at the time, as I understand it, she would not allow my aunt to bring the baby in the house. She had to give him up for adoption.

We finally got to meet him at our last family reunion. He flew in from across the country with his adopted mother. I photographed them, the three of them. I never took one photo of my aunt alone with him, because his adopted mother is his mother and that is something we understand.

I hope his impression of us was nice. I hope that he understands my aunt is a good kind person and the circumstances were out of her control, once she was already pregnant.

I had his email address and sent him the photos and I never heard back from him. I sent him a couple of emails, but after I didn't get a response, I backed off.

If you don't care to meet the grandmother, it is perfectly okay. She can only do damage if you let her, so I wouldn't worry about her hurting you.

Best wishes.

A few years before I was born my aunt placed a baby girl for adoption. About a year ago, she wrote a letter to my aunt explaining who she was and that she would really like to meet her. She and her husband flew halfway across the country to meet my aunt, her husband and their children. Their reunion was one of the happy ones.

I have seen pictures of my biological cousin (who I have still yet to meet) with my aunt and with my cousins. It is so clear in the pictures that my aunt and my biological cousin are very, very happy to have had the chance to meet and to get to know one another.

She is facebook friends with my cousins (her half brothers and sister), so I sent her a message on facebook and we are now facebook friends. I don't really know her, and she doesn't really know me. But we both hope to meet someday.

I'm not really sure what kind of expectations she had when she reached out to my aunt. I can only guess at what questions she had about her past or curiosities in want to know more about her biological mother. I do know that in her letter she thanked my aunt for giving her life and for placing her for adoption, as she was placed with a wonderful family.

You said, "My parents who raised me are my parents," and I cannot imagine you would feel any differently. These are the parents who took care of you and loved you. They fed you at 3:00 in the morning when you were a baby and stayed up with you when you had the stomach flu. It is unimaginable that you would feel differently.

If you are interested in getting to know your biological grandmother, then it seems like you have a great opportunity to do that. Why not meet her for lunch. If you don't want to do this alone, perhaps your husband or one of your girlfriends would go with you? Just lunch, for now, and see how it goes. Take some time to just get to know her, as a person. You might decide that it was nice to meet her, but you are ok with the your life as it is. You could also get to know her and decide that this is someone you'd like to get to know better.

I hope this doesn't sound stupid but, it's kind of like dating. You just have to take a chance and meet with her. You can have all the expectations in the world. She can have all the expectations in the world. But neither one of you is going to know until you try. So if you're up for it go ahead and meet with her and just see how it goes.

I don't have an answer about a child seeking and/or finding birth parents. My son knows that he is adopted. He has never expressed a desire to locate them even though they are probably a state away from where he is living.

Last year my son's wife said he had a rough time about a family adoption. Wife's sister had baby and placed him in a family made up of adopted kids (2 boys) to make her forever family. Child will still be brought up in the faith of the mom.

You are right, unless you have adopted a child you do not understand some of the ins and outs of their life.

I might be a bit leery about meeting a long lost family member who is hitting me up for money this late in life. I would wonder how she had made it this long without knowing who I was/am.

the other S.

PS I might have a talk with the other family members and how they are referring to this woman. I would think that they would ask you how you would like to handle this and not take it upon themselves.