Have you ever had a friend that just seems to exhaust you mentally and emotionally? I have been friends for over 2 years with a lady I used to work with. She was always sensitive and would "read between the lines" when she read every email. I understand that sometimes there is an implied message, but she went overboard and would dissect each sentence and determine what the sender "really meant"...there were often multiple scenarios. She was also very concerned about office politics...talking to her about it was like re-hashing one of the reality TV shows that she loved. I didn't think too much of it then; it was kind of entertaining...and we still enjoyed going to lunch and occasionally talking on the phone in the evenings.
But now, I don't know exactly what I did, but I seem to have offended her. We were emailing each other on occasion since I have been gone (SAHM now) and she quit replying. I asked my husband to read the email to determine if I could've offended her in some way...he couldn't find anything either...and just said that women are weird. :) So after a couple more weeks, I called her. (She hosted my shower and was a nice friend, so I thought I'd try to reach out and be friendly). We talked over an hour. She said she'd email me and never did. I assume she went over our conversation enough times to come up with something she didn't like. It's like walking on eggshells to keep from offending her. I told her in one of my emails that my daughter was taking dance classes...no big deal...then when I talked to her on the phone she told me that her daughter took dance classes when she was 6; but since my daughter started at 3 she'll be much better...she even sounded jealous...it was weird. I told her as soon as my daughter is ready to quit, I'm ready to stop paying for it...trying to make her laugh.
I don't know that I should contact her again...even though she told me to visit her when I'm in her area. It's so much work to try to say and do the right thing around her. Any experience with this kind of thing?
Thank you for your responses! You had some great points, and helped put things into perspective. Thanks again!
Sounds like she's jealous of you somehow. Do you think it's because you're not having to work anymore? Just my 2 cents.
I would just leave it. No sense in trying to be friends with someone who doesn't want to make the effort with you. I've had to cut out people like that recently too. Good luck!
Yep, I have had a few friends like that and I simply brushed them off. I can not and do not have the time for people that frail. In my opinion they are Drama Queens, just looking for a fight. I am sorry that your friend is that way, and if there were a magic "fix it" pill i would give it to you and all the friends I have lost along the way. It seems to me you really do not have the time to put fourth the effort to play her petty games nor does it seem to me you want to. I personally would not feel bad if I cut off the ties at this point in time. I feel for you and I hope you make the choice that is right for you. Remember for ME, cutting them loose was the best way to deal, it may not be for you but you only asked what "my/our" experiences were.
She is no longer your friend. She is only an acquaintance now. Don't burn any bridges but move on. Make friends who have time for you and care about you rather than envy you.
Becky,
There are some people who are always on a "witch hunt". They are always mad at someone who has "done them wrong" and are happy to spend countless hours talking about it w/whomenver will listen. Your "friend" sounds like one of these people. You are much better off just moving on, these are unhealthy people and relationships with them are often toxic -especially if you are the latest victim. You shouldn't have to tap dance for anyone to be their friend.
Quite honestly, it sounds like maybe you two have grown apart. Before I had kids, some of my best friends were people that I worked with, but it seemed like after I left to stay at home, we didn't have as much to say. I wouldn't try to read to much into it. Unfortunately, sometimes people just lose contact. I would continue to call her from time to time and send e-mails, but don't get offended if you don't hear back. Some people are better at staying in touch than others - it is much easier when you can chat at work or go to lunch together. I wouldn't overthink it... :)
I'll never forget the Oprah I watched.... (sound so cliche, doesn't it?)
Oprah said if your friends are draining you then you need to break-up with them. She said there are some friends who bring you down, pick fights, act jealous, etc. It sounds like this person fits in that category.
Oprah suggested in some situations you have to go through the breaking up act and just tell this person that you need space from them. I agree that you shouldn't burn a bridge with this person. Especially since you're not communicating with her that much.
Yes, I have had friends like this.....I will be completely honest with you and tell you that life is much better/easier when they are no longer your friends. I know that is harsh to say, but I'm sure you have enough going on in your life without worrying about and coddling another adult.
Not being able to be yourself around somebody is not being a true friend anyway. Sorry to sound negative but this is not a healthy relationship. If you would like, you could send one final email and be totality honest about your feelings expecting NOTHING from her or maybe a good guilt trip. There is a chance that she could hear you out and come to terms with what she is doing but sadly most people would rather denie any responsibility and not change. So as long as you understand that another email would be fine.
C. :)
Unfortunately, I recently had to remove myself from a toxic friendship like this. I've known this girl for 20 years and have never really understood her. I've often felt sorry for her because men leave her, friends talk about her behind her back, and she even lost custody of her daughter a few years ago. We were work acquaintances. However, when we began hanging around each other outside of work, I started to notice something. She was the most negative, harsh person I'd ever met. She can find negative in even the most joyful things and seems to thrive on being miserable. I read a cartoon one time that I've always associated with this friend. It was two angels talking to each other up in Heaven. There was a "Complaint Box" sitting on a table on a cloud. One angel was saying to the other angel "well...because some people just aren't truly happy unless they're complaining". I thought, "Man! That sounds just like ......".
I recently became engaged and sent out a little note telling all my friends. Everyone was so excited for me....except, you guessed it. She wrote back with the snottiest note about how my last marriage didn't work and how I swore I'd never fall in love again. She said she couldn't believe I'd even consider marrying a man with small children because mine are grown and I finally had it easy. And on and on and on. I read it to my fiance. He's never met her (and never will). He was like "Geez! You called her a friend? She's horrible!" And with that, I did not answer her at all. I deleted her email from my address book, and I blocked her email address from coming through. Maya Angelou says "When people show you who they are ....Believe them." I believe that my so-called friend is a hateful, jealous person and I do not have time in my busy life to baby her fragile ego and emotions. She is very immature and I'm done. She's 43, it's time to grow up. Good luck!
