Emotional Outburts

Hello D.,
Is this a recent separation from his father? Separation can be very confusing - to everyone. As adults we know why we are separated, but children can't understand why everyone can't be together, nor are they very good at expressing themselves in a civil manner. As it is, adults are not very good at expressing themselves either. I suggest counceling. Perhaps you had to go through some mandated counceling in order to procede with a divorce, but maybe he needs more. I urge that you do not punish for the behavior if it is possibly due to a broken home and at the same time I would not suggest any type of reward other than a hug and some positive attention.

Dear D.,

You need to try to find out what happens at his father's house. Girl friend? Girl friend's children. Something happens that scares him. Good luck. You have to be very careful about trying to find out because the person causing the upset in your child will immediately threaten him about 'telling'. Maybe it is nothing, but I doubt it.
Spending close quiet time with your child will help him gain confidence in telling you. C. N.

D.,

Well of course I don't know all the ins and outs and different things affect children differently. The only reason I'm writing is because one don't always look at it as this. I have a friend who's little girl of 6 did the same and they tried all kinds of things until at last the doctor told her to just let her eat organical foods. Her body was reacting to the hormones in the food. As well as the high sugar and fatty ingredients. They have seen an remarkable change in her, she is even now allowed to eat a hamburger once a month. This might not be your problem at all, but when he is at his dad's he might not eat very healthy and that might affect his moodswings. Hope all works out for you.

I would have to say that he is reacting to change in his life. How long have you been divorced? Is there another woman at his dad's house?

The reason I ask is because, I am the stepmom of a 17 year old and an 8 year old. They were 5 and 14 when I came into the picture and we had the same problem with the younger one. The biggest problem for us was that his mom let him get away with everything. We actually have rules that we expect to be followed. He has chores that need to be done daily and homework. After a weekend with his mom, who would just spoil him for a couple days, he would have to come home to reality. He didn't like it and would throw tantrums. I believe it is more of an adjustment period, and a stage that he will outgrow. Ask him about his time with dad. I am pretty sure that if he only has him for the weekend, they always do something extra special which means no chores, no responsibility for anything. What kid doesn't want that all the time. What they don't understand is that we have them 98% of the time and we are the one's that are teaching him what life is really about, responsibility and respect. I would say, just try to keep calm and in time it should all work it's self out. Keep teaching him what you know, keep the one on one time going on, and DON'T GIVE IN TO THE TANTRUMS! Once he realizes they don't get him anywhere they will mellow out!

Hope this helps a little...

R.

I have been dealing with these outburst with my son for 3 years now. After going to counseling we found out reward charts for good behavior and refocusing him helps. I often put him in charge of things like ; feeding the dog and he is the keeper of the movies. When we want to watch a movie he is in charge of getting , putting in and putting the movie back in ite place when we are finished. His teachers do siular things in class. If he throws a fit in public we leave immediately and he is put in his room as soom as we get home.
He probably is acting out because when he's at his fathers house he is spoiled and every whim is catered to, unfortuanately there is nothing you can do about that. But when he acts inappropiate let him know it will not be tolerated and why its inappropiate.

Hello Im a 29 year old mother of a 9 month old. I don't have any first hand experience but my mom would tell me that i had three really bad temper tantrums, the first one she tried cuddling that didn't help the next one she tried time outs that din't work then finally i had a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store and my mom walked away... yes walked away nothing was said she just left.(I didnt know this at the time but she just went to the next isle and she could see me the entire time)I guess I was so shocked that she just walked away that being ignored was the worst thing that could ever happen. she told me she left me there for about 5 min, and that I never had another tantrum. she has given this advise for me as well, if my daughter has a tantrum at home then mom says to put her somewhere safe and walk out of the room, the key is being out of sight.Try this with your son, let him know that a tantrum wont get attention from you in stead it will have the oppisite effect. since a tantrum is just a way to get noticed if he gets ignored then obviously that idea didnt work and hell try something new. Also get his dad on the same page if hes having tantrums there also. I hope this helps

Dear D.,

I have found that when they get their way or that they are treated differently somewhere else, they become unruly and disrupt the household they are use to. I made the mistake with my daughter in letting her know her father wasn't wanting to be around her. Not in a mean way but she has been bothering me to meet him. And he is the one who doesn't want to. I'm afraid I told her to much, but then theres this well you never told me and then blame me for why? her father wasn't around for her. I'd thought I was able to handle this when the time were to come around. I found out it's worse, because now she is having difficulty with dealing with it. She's 11 acting 15 and wearing makeup and she is trying to grow up fast right in front of me. I'm scared it has effected her personallity and now i can't take it back. All i can do is be there for her. So if your son is experience some anger find out whats going on with him over thereand then ask him these questions. Are you upset with meand why? if he is. Then try to work on them. But maybe see really why he's so upset when returning from his dads. And as they get older it doesn't stop there either. My 18 year old always wished for me and his dad to get back together. And he was hard to raise but not as much as my last one. She's drama and it drives me nuts, i am at my wit ends myself. All I can say is we have to ask all the questions we can then try to deal and solve them.

Sincerely,
M.

Hello D.,
I'm sorry to hear about what your going through with your son. I go through that also with my children. Have you tried maybe talking to him about his time with his dad. There could be something new going on at his dads house maybe dad isn't paying enough attention to him while he is visiting. I know my two younger girls when they would go to visit with their dad his face would constantly be in the computer playing games and not visiting with them or playing with them like he should be doing. They throw temper tantrums worse after a visit with him. Ask your son what they do during his visit with his dad, (if you don't already do that). There is something bothering him and he probably doesn't know how to express it except through tantrums. Hope this helps.
S.

My son did the same thing when he would spend time with his Dad. Turns out his Dad would not pay attention to him when they were together. It really hurt him, and to express his feelings he would lash out at me, his sister, grandparents, friends, etc......It took a year of counseling to get him back to being my sweet little boy.
You need to find out what is going on at your ex's house. It could be something small, or something bigger that he might need help with.

Good Luck!

Hi my name is M. and I have a 10 year old son that was doing the same thing. Everytime he was at his dads house he would come home very mad and had 3 to 4 temper tantrums. It got to the point that he had told the school I was abusing him physically just becuase I wouldn't let him do what his father and family let him do (ALMOST ABOUT ANYTHING HE WANTED TO DO)Thats when I sed to my self ok that enough. I came to fine out that his dad and new wife was puting thing in his head. Telling him how bad of a mother I was becuase I was always working and never had time for him. That I couldn't buy him everything he wanted and thing like that. I was sooo mad so what I did was not take him to his dad for 2 weeks and had a good talk with him about how hard it is to not have help from his dad MONY, SUPPORT and all of the thing a dad should do for his son. Told him that money can't buy love and everything so his dad was givening the right MSG. I also try to thal to dad told him that he needed to let his wife know that i'm that mom and not her I just had a long takl with him. What I'm trying to tell you is to fine out from your son watts going on with your son how he feels and also very importan fine out watts going on at his dad's house. I really hope I help you out with your problem. Please let me know how thing are going with you and you son. If you have any question or need more info just let me know.

Best Of luck,
M. form Menlo Park