Driving Miss Daisy Is Driving Me NUTS!

I've had the same situation with my daughter--although she wasn't great friends with the girl. THere were two of us carpooling and this girl just started hopping in. So I became the "carpool organizer". The next time the girl got in my car I aked for her mom's name and number. I called her up and said, "Mrs. So and So and I carpool--so If you would like Shannon to participate in that--then these are the days you need to drive this week. We'll let you know what days you have next week." It was perfect. She got the hint and did her days. Otherwise, the resentment does build up. And seriously, saying things to the kid (or guilting them into it) is kind of like bullying to me. I'd rather deal with the adult. Good luck!!

You can't say something to the parents directly when you see them, or give them a call? I mean, don't they wonder how their daughter is getting back and forth to places?

I was that girl 30 years ago. My dad had his own business and my mom was a college professor and they were always "too tired or too busy" to participate in my life. Being the youngest child, I pretty much figured out how to do things and go places on my own because my parents were tired of being parents by the time I came along. I figured it out, bummed rides, etc. and yes, I felt horrible every time I had to ask someone for help. I was ashamed that my parents wouldn't contribute, but I continued to participate in every activity I could because it was better than being home alone. If there would have been bus service like you mentioned, I definitely would have used it to avoid putting a burden on someone else and to avoid the shame of asking for another ride.

To this day, I continue to be grateful to all the wonderful parents who drove me, included me, and never made me feel like the mooch I was. Their reward: I am a mother of 3 who pays it forward. I drive my kids and their friends and participate in carpools. My son is friends with twins who live with a single mother who works. I am happy to drive them any time--sometimes I pick them up from tutoring or drivers ed even when my son is not participating, because I know that their mom has to work & they have no other way home. I am confident that they will pay it forward one day too.

Is it really putting you out all that much? You are going home and she is right up the street,no? She can walk from your house to hers? I was in a similar situation growing up, many times over I have thanked her mother for including me when we were younger. Who knows what home situation she has. Also, is your daughter offering her a ride? All in all, I say, let her ride...unless you are going somewhere other than home, I see no reason why she can't be included.

Hi Mom2girls, I know you are frustrated.

But think of the positive impact you have on this child's life.

Through the years my three kids have had a number of friends like this. I jokingly refer to them as 'my 4th, 5th, 6th, (and so on), child'

I guess I've felt pretty put out a few times, like you do now. But I also like to think that child will look back and remember me and my family in a warm happy effecting way, you know? I'd LIKE to save them ALL, makes me nuts that I can't! But I CAN have an impact on those like you describe, cling-ons, and I'd like to think I have helped them, picked up where their own parents left off, made them feel like someone cares, like they're important, at least to ME anyway.

I also think it has helped shape my OWN kids to be more compassionate and patient and tolerate of those around them

Anyway, that's MY take on the Cling-Ons. Your neighbor's child is lucky to know you!

:)

Well, I'm feeling a little sorry for the child as I read your post. Not only does she needs rides, but she also needs friendship (you mention that she's copy-cattish and clingy, and that suggests to me that she needs somebody to look up to). And the older she gets, the more friendship she'll need.

I also imagine that her parents assume that of course you'll take care of all the transportation, since you've always done it. They may not have given it another thought. And why should they?

Resentment is emotionally very draining. I suggest that, instead of steaming, you call the parents and say, in a firm but friendly way, "We love your daughter dearly, but our schedule is getting so crazy that I'm going to be able to give her rides home only on this day and this day. Will you take care of the other days, please?"

I can picture two possible results. The parents may actually come to pick up their child (and possibly yours?) from practices. That's the best hope. The other possibility is that they will tell their daughter she can't stay after school for activities on the other days. Then you will have to decide what your next step will be - let the girl fend for herself or adopt her unofficially. (In the latter choice, of course, you'll finance the gasoline expenditure.)

I've been in situations where I felt as if I were an extra parent, with all the care I had to take of somebody else's child. It wasn't on my to-do list, but it happened. I hope I was a good influence on the child in the end.

I haven't read your responses but here's my 2 cents worth. I feel very sorry for that little girl. Can you imagine your parents not wanting to be involved in your life? How hurtful that must be for that girl. I'm sure she sees the other parents coming out to watch/support their children and she feels very left out. And I'm sure it's humiliating for her to be asked for money she has no way to provide. It is not her fault that her parents are not handling THEIR responsibilities. None of us know what goes on behind the closed doors of our neighbours home. That poor child probably feels invisible in her own home or that her accomplishments do not matter because her parents don't care enough to participate in them. Thank God she has your family. If it were me I would hold a very frank discussion with my daughters reminding them just how blessed they are to have parents that support them. Tell them how very proud of them you are for doing the right thing by befriending this girl. Personally I wouldn't worry about the gas money, she lives right up the street and there is no extra cost involved. In the grand scheme of things that is petty in comparison to providing this child the security she so desperately is seeking. She may not be able to rely on her parents but she HAS come to rely on you and your family. What a wonderful teaching moment for both of your girls. We are not often openly rewarded in life for the things we do help others. The real reward is found within ourselves. I always feel great when lending a hand to someone who needs it. Have your children think of it this way - In years to come this little girl will remember them as the loving family down the street that took care of her when she needed it.

Not really seeing the problem here. The girl lives up the street from you, you're picking up your daughter anyway so driving your daughter's friend isn't requiring anything extra from you at all.
Gas money? What gas money? There isn't any extra gas being used, this girl lives up the street!
Why would you see a problem here? Perhaps call the parents and ask if they can pick up both girls when you are pressed for time or having something else to do, that way it would feel more "even" to you. But why you would want both them and you to drive to the same activities when your girls are friends and live close to eachother I just don't understand.

I don't see the big deal of you older child giving a ride to the girl if she is picking up her sister and coming straight home (without asking for money) since she really isn't using more gas.

If you don't want to pick the child up all the time, you should tell her parents that you don't mind giving her a ride once in a while but they need to schedule it with you in advance (except if there is an emergency...like she missed the bus or something). Claim to have somewhere else to go or others to pick up on your way.

On a side note, check w/ your tax consultant...giving teammates rides or hauling equipment for teams etc can make the mileage a tax deduction. I don't know all the specifics so you will want to check for yourself.

With our son, we saw kids wait FOREVER only to have to bum a ride. It was unfortunate. There was one boy we ALWAYS took home but once in a while I would have to tell him "We have an appointment after practice on Wednesday so can you arrange a ride for that day. Then, the day before I would remind him again." One of the other "dependable" parents would then take him home for us.

unless you are being called upon to go out of your way to take her somewhere you weren't already going, i'm not sure why gas money is an issue.
being taken advantage of is never pleasant and i totally get why this is annoying you.
i do hope that you and your older daughter won't put this child in the middle. she's already in such a difficult position, poor boo. it must be very embarrassing for her to be asked for money that she can't provide if her parents aren't forthcoming, and apparently they're not.
i think the best thing would be to look at this girl as your daughter's good friend, which she apparently is, and be big-hearted about it. i always enjoyed taking my boys' friends along if it worked out in our schedule. i liked a carful of kids!
if it's really bugging you, though, don't let it fester. but don't expect the little girl to fix it. go to the parents, pleasantly and with a smile, and tell them that you need a little reciprocity in the driving arrangements. have a suggestion ready, such as 'our kids are on the same schedule so much, it would help us all out if we could coordinate the driving. how about if i take mondays and thursdays, and you do wednesdays?'
khairete
S.

Please imagine for one second that you are in middle school, and you cannot rely on your parents for a ride home or probably for much of anything. Doesn't it break your heart?
I know you feel taken advantage of, but try to switch your thinking. Instead of focusing on the resentment you feel each time she gets in your car, try focusing on the fact that you are blessing this young girl with a safe way to get home. Really, this switch in thinking really works. Soon enough you will be looking forward to being able to give her a ride.
This is also a learning moment for your 17 yr. old. I know it's annoying about the gas money, but does it really cost that much more to drop the girl off at the end of the street? I think it is probably more about feeling taken advantage of.
Remember, you and your daughter are blessing this young girl with probably much more than just a ride home everyday.

If you dont like taxi-ing your neighbors kid you just have to tell them you arent going to do it anymore. Obviously your heart is telling you otherwise. Are they taking advantage of your good nature? Sure they are. You can only be a doormat if you allow yourself to be one. If that's how you are feeling then you just need to buck up and go talk to the girls parents and let them know you want to change the current situation. Once you leave the girl to her own devices the parents will figure it out, but since you've made a habit of driving her home it's sort of an unspoken contract that you have made. To leave her without letting the parents know first would be just as rude as they are and the only person to get hurt would be the child.
Good luck with this, I'm sure you will do the right thing.

Is your younger daughter really good friends with her? Or does she put up with her? If she is really good friends with her and the girl literally lives up the street, I'm afraid I don't see the problem. My mom always picked me up and a friend or two who also lived on our street, it never was an issue. If you're all going the same way, I really fail to see a problem here. And I wouldn't even ask for gas unless you are going out of your way to drop her off.

Hi Mom2girls---I know it is very frustrating when you feel you are being taken advantage of. I guess I would take my cues from the girl, your daughter's friend. If she is pleasant and appreciative, please continue to give her the support she seems to be lacking at her own home. You may be the one person who she can count on. If you are not having to rearrange your schedule a whole bunch to help her get home, be proud that you can help this girl when it is painfully obvious her own parents will not.

Bless you for your kind and loving heart.

I know this doesnt directly answer your question, but I think you should give the 17 year old a few bucks for picking up her sister. My mom always did when I had to watch her kids (of course, that was because my mom was lazy and would try to get out of doing anything for her kids, just like your neighbors and would rather pay than take them anywhere). I mean, if she's responsible enough to be paying for her own anyway, a few bucks a week to help her out for helping you out seems reasonable.

Have you tried calling the parents and asking them to please pick up your daughter at such and such a time on ***day.? Instead of complaining ASK.

I apologize in advance for not reading other responses before chiming in, but with limited time to respond, I wanted to share my husband's experience. He WAS that child you've described whose parents can't seem to be involved in the child's life, in spite of enrolling them in plenty of "busy" time. You never know what that child is experiencing at home. For him, the next door neighbors were literally the difference between him having a "family" and growing up completely neglected. I will never be able to express enough gratitude for those neighbors who showed him what a loving family is. He has carried their examples with him to this day, and I know it has played a huge role in him becoming the amazing father and husband he is today.

In addition to providing rides, this family also fed him dinner almost daily, knowing that he couldn't count on having a meal at home. They took him on vacation with them almost every year, allowing him to experience and see things that he never would have been able to otherwise. They allowed him to spend a whole lot more time at their house than was probably convenient or desired, including big holidays and family occasions.

As much as I appreciate and understand where you are coming from, I just want to say, a little kindness, like giving rides, can go a long, long way. You are doing more for that child that providing transportation, especially every time she sees positive interactions between your family members.

I guess I don't understand why this costs you extra gas. You just go straight home and she walks home from your house, right?

But since there are afterschool activity buses available, I would ask her to start taking those buses as you want to start running errands on the way home with your daughter. That way, you and your daughter can have some alone time in the car. But on other occasions, I would still give her a ride home.

I would start occassionally letting her know up front that on a certain day you are unavailable to take her home. Plan an errand for after you pick up your daughter that would prevent you from going directly home. Call her mom and tell her, I can't bring XXX home tomorrow she'll have to make other arrangements. Do this once a week or so and see if it helps. My son has a friend who is always with us and wants a ride home, but he lives two neighborhoods away and it's not always convenient. Most of the time I don't say anything because I like him and am glad to be around them and know what's going on. I let my son know that he needs to let me know in advance though so I can plan an extra ten minutes into the time.

First, ask you daughter if she offers for the friend to ride home. My kids have made offers to their friends without my knowing it in the past and it can put us parents in an awkward position. Second, have you spoken to the other parents? Maybe you can open a dialog with them and talk about taking turns with rides. If they are in a position where that is not possible, maybe they can chip in a couple of dollars towards gas..but then again...it isn't like you are going out of your way, so is the gas money really necessary? Same with your 17 year old daughter, she isn't going out of her way to take the other girl home. If there are days that you have other things you need to do after picking your child up, let her know ahead of time and she can tell her friend she needs to ride the bus. There again, dialog with the other set of parents can do wonders. Maybe they are counting on their child to ride the activity bus home and a) don't realize she doesn't or b) think that you offer the ride.

It sounds to me like you feel as if you are being taken advantage of. I can understand that, TALK to the other parents, it is very likely just a huge misunderstanding somewhere.

If it really is driving you nuts, you have to find a way to say to the parents that you are not going to do this any more As far as your 17 year old is concerned, I do not know what state/locality you reside in, but many put restrictions on licenses for those under 18/21 - one of the more important ones is that the driver cannot have more than one person (family member only) in the car with them. Under NO circumstances are they to be driving other people's children. The risk of an accident is just too high.

I would call the parents. Don't leave a message so you definetly know someone received your message. Speak to someone in person. Tell the mom you have other places to go sometimes after pick up JUST WITH YOUR DAUGHTER. She doesn't need to know where. Maybe you have a dr appt or want to just take her out to dinner.
I would say I need you to pick the girls up every Monday and Wednesday after school. Be gracious. Say thanks. Don't repeat SAY IT ONCE. When people repeat we loose ground. Say it once be plesant. Make it be understood this is the way its GOING TO BE..good luck.

You could talk to the parents. Are they home at the time practice gets out? I know my parents weren't home until hours after sports and clubs got out and we did no have a bus for after school activities I walked home it was about 1.5-2 miles to my house. Occassionally I got a ride from someone.
If you talk to them and they still don't get it then don't give her a ride the next day tell her sorry but you aren't going straight home let he use your cellphone to call her parents if she doesn't have one.

That would REALLY get on my nerves. The next time she rides with you tell her that you will not be able to take her home tomm b/c you are going to run errands, etc after school. Make up something that she cannot come along. Tell her she will need to catch the bus. Then do that a few times in a row until she starts taking the bus. You could even go as far as telling her that you can only take her home on Fridays from now on b/c you have things to do. You can also tell her that your daughter is now going to start paying for her own gas, you will not be helping her, so if she wants a ride she will need to bring some money or give it to her weekly. I would just always be too busy. I would even drop hints like, "do you think your mom can pick you girls up tomm, I have an appt?" or "do you think your parents can start driving a couple times per week".....I hate lazy people who take advantage! If that doesn't work, ask the mom directly if she can start driving a couple times a week or that if she could help your daughter out with gas money since she only makes a small amount of money. Good luck!

You need to talk to the parents. Reading between the lines in your letter, it seems that you have never really talked to them and do not really know what their situation is. They may be lazy and mooching off of you for rides, but they may not even be aware of what is going on. Like someone else said, they may think she is taking the activities bus. Since the girl is only taking activities that your daughter takes, she may be doing that because she knows her parents will not give her a ride or she may not be even asking her parents about it at all. Some children are good at keeping their parents in the dark or are afraid to ask them so they ask others.

I know I have to remind my daughter (kindergarten) frequently to not just assume that someone will do something for her. We have become friends with the lady and her grandson across the street and often go places and ride together. We always take her car because it is nicer and she offers every time. It has gotten to the point that we ride to and from school with them everyday. My daughter just automatically gets in their car and I have to remind her that she needs to ask first. This lady is so nice to us and I often feel like we take advantage of her. The difference is that I always make it a point to ask her first and make sure she knows that she can say no. I also try to do things for her and her grandson whenever I can.

My point is that you need to contact the girls parents and try to get to know them. You may find a good friend and her parents may find a way to do or say something to thank you for all that you do for their daughter.