Divorce ... Any Advice Is Appreciated

If she and her husband own a house together, she should NOT move out, HE should. Actually no matter what the situation is, she should not just leave. FIRST you get a lawyer! Always FIRST! Yucky and expensive, but it needs to be the VERY FIRST STEP!

I'm with Dawn - She should not make the plunge and move out of the house. She needs to know/understand what is coming (if they go through with a divorce) ESPECIALLY in regards to childcare payments. How can she know how much of an apartment she can afford without knowing the full financial situation. But seriously, if he wants the divorce, then he should move out. Good luck!

Just curious, is the divorce final? Why would she move out b4 if it is not? If I were her I would stay in her home as long as she could since it is a place her kids are most familiar and comfortable with until the courts decide on everything. Why take on the added expense b4 she needs to. Just a thought.

I would tell her to not move out or go through the divorce until she is sure that she knows what his deal is. What if he has treatable depression, for example? What if he treats it down the road and then wishes that he had never left her? Or what if the midlife crisis passes? Whatever their problems are, if they are not major, as a best friend, I would be really sad for the family and my way of supporting them would be to push them to continue to solve those problems if possible.
Split custody will make the kids feel like they don't belong either at mom's place or dad's place. It is better for the kids to stay in one house and the parents to switch in and out.
Side note, when I have had bouts of depression, I have often wanted a divorce and then when the depression passed, I was glad I didn't go through with it.

I think the main thing, if she is the one moving out, is to make sure she takes her name off any of the utilities because she will have to use her name in the new apt.

I would also make sure she packs all the really important stuff and leave with that first, just in case things go badly and she is not able to come back and get them later...all the kids clothes and furniture are a must...

Best wishes.

Depending on how old her kids are... think of school districts.

Think of her budget, and the 'safety' of the neighborhood or apartment complex.
-does the apartment building have 'security' for example? And parking as well?
-does it have kids?

Please encourage her and her husband to do this as "nice" as possible. It's unfortunate when couples split but they will be forever tied with those kids. Don't ever use the children as a "tool" and encourage as much time as possible for the kids and their dad (unless he has done something horrible and illegal).

In my opinion, split custody is really h*** o* the kids. We did similar and it was so confusing and difficult! Each house has slightly different rules and it takes a good 1-2 days for kids to get "in the groove" of the new house. Just when they are used to the one house, they are moved to the next house. They end up feeling insecure and nervous.

A better option for 50-50 is to do whole weeks. Always switch on the same day. Fridays are best. The child gets two days to acclimate at the new house before school starts on Monday. After school on Friday they get to look forward to a new weekend at the other house. The two year old is going to be hard.

It's best for the parents to really communicate and keep the rules the same at the different houses. Bedtime routines should be the same, morning routines as well. This gives the children some security. It's even great if they write down the routine and the child has the same routine at each house.

I wish her luck!

If they are being 'civil' and cooperative, then they CAN get one lawyer to write up paperwork for them. I did that when I divorced, but did not have any children in the mix. That might create a problem/difference there. But my ex and I agreed on everything, so I hired the lawyer. I typed up what property I'd keep and what he'd keep and bank accounts and cars, etc. The lawyer typed it all up into 'lawyer talk.' Technically I hired the lawyer, so he had my best interests at heart, yet doing it this way was cheap and easy.

As for her living situation - if she'll take the house in the divorce, then she and the kids should stay there. But if she really wants an apartment, then she will have to sign a lease and give a deposit and all of that. She should ask husband to help pay for this since his kids will be there half the time.

I am probably repeating others but as you know I can't see what others have said yet. The first thing your friend need to tend to is getting her own attorney to look after her interests and those of the children - I don't care how cooperative her ex-to be is right now things may change over time and you need someone who knows what they are doing and who is not emotionally involved doing the paper work.

She also needs to find an apartment, she will need current, an additional month's rent, and probably a deposit. Unless the utilities are included in the rent, she will need to contact the electric company, the water company, and if the artment uses gas the gas company and have those services turned on in her name. Some, possibly all of those companies will want a deposit and will charge a "connection" fee even though the service is already connected. If your friend has a cell phone she may be able to do without getting a land line. If she wants TV or Internet she will again have to call a provider request service and pay more connection fees. Are you getting the picture that this is time consuming and expensive? Water is the only utility that is really very likely to be included in the rent.

I sincerely wish your friend well in this difficult time I know it won't be easy for her. It is good that she has a friend who is willing to try to help.

I can't help wondering why, if he is so eager to have the divorce he is hanging on to the house and forcing her out into an apartment?

Here in TX the can also do it without a lawyer if they are in agreement. Way less expensive. Everything that Jen C. Said applies.

I would contact the housing department and ask them to point me in the right direction. She will need first last and a deposit. Utilities will probably want a deposit too. If her son is in school I would try to keep him at the same school.

I do agree that she should keep the house but if she isn't because of finances that is understandable.

They do not need to waste money on a lawyer if they agree. They can down load the forms off the internet on thier states court site, and fill them out themselves. Once done, all they have to do is file them with the court (a fee will apply, it is $150 here in Alaska) and wait about a month while it is reviewed by a judge to be sure it seems fair. A marriage can be dissolved within 2 months using this process. If the agreement is not deemed fair than the couple will be asked to see a mediator to work through any issues.

As for the apartment, she could contact an agency to help her look, any Realtor (like prudential) should also have rental information. She will need some cash up front, usually first and last months rent as well as a cleaning deposit.

I've lived in a LOT of apartments always on my own. First, she'll need to figure out how much she can reasonably afford, including utilities. I lived in Texas for most of my life and found that during the heat of the summer I could spend around 100 dollars in a one bedroom. I'm assuming she'll need a bigger space then that since she needs room for the kids, so she'll have to factor that in. A lot of apartments will also bill each month for water and trash, which ran me around 15-20 dollars depending on whether or not I had a washer.

There are several websites that will help to do apartment searches. You can narrow it down by locations, amenities, parking, and size options. www.rent.com, www.apartmentsearch.com, www.forrent.com are all ones that I looked at. Craigslist will also list some apartments that are available through private landlords or agencies that may not be attached as part of a complex. My friend found a REALLY nice townhome off of here that she loves and has a great landlord. You just have to be careful about private landlords cause they aren't always great (of course sometimes neither are apartment complex ones).

Most apartments that I lived in didn't require first and last. They did require a security deposit (which was usually equivalent to first month, but was sometimes less) as well as first month's rent (although I never had to pay this until I actually moved in). Most of them will also have an application fee (around $40 dollars) in order to run background checks.

Basically, you just gotta contact the apartment, go see it all, if you like it they give you the application, you pay your application fee, then when they approve you you pay your deposit. You can call and get utilities set up in your name as soon as you pay the deposit and request to have them turned on on your move in date. Utilites may require a deposit as well if you have never had a bill in your name. But, if she has had ANY form of credit and it is reasonable (meaning paid) they will most likely waive it. I had it waived everytime I set it up in Texas and again when I came to St. Louis. Then you go back and sign your lease and get your keys on your move-in.

A couple of things that I found are good to do also: 1) When you move in they give you a "check-in" form to mark any damages that there might already be in place so you don't get charged when you move. I meticulously fill out this form because if you ever move out most places will look for the tiniest blemish. If it's not marked on there, they can charge you. 2) Make sure to keep copies of all paperwork (leases, receipts, etc.). It is helpful if you ever feel like your landlord is not doing what they are supposed to do or if they try to come back and say that you paid something late. I know that this makes landlords sound like mean people (and most of them aren't), but you never really know till you get in there.

I hope this helps. I know she is going through a difficult time so this is just one more added piece of stress. Hopefully her and her kids will be able to survive a very sucky situation

If he hasn't done anything wrong and she thinks he is having a midlife crisis or depressed, shouldn't she be standing by him during this, not splitting?! Does she remember hearing, for better or for worse, during their wedding vows?

Theresa, why should he move out and not her? She's the one who is wanting to leave, not him. Don't ruin him by wanting to divorce and also telling him to leave his house. Geez!

Divorce is difficult no matter what. Especially when children are involved. I would first recommend that she see an attorney and a councelor, even if her husband won't go to councelling. She needs her own attorney looking out for her and her childrens best interest. As for custody, if he is depressed, do the children really need to be spending half of their time with just him? And I agree that the children will feel like they don't belong anywhere spending 1/2 week with Mom and 1/2 week with Dad.

As for the apartment, I would recommend a locater service. I was in the apartment industry here in Texas for 10 years and if she has never lived in an apartment or has little experience with it, a locater would be the best route. They will find out exactly what she needs, what she can afford and what area she wants to live in. They do all the leg work and it doesn't cost her anything. I have a friend I can recommend, just let me know. But if he wants the divorce, why isn't he the one thats moving.

Again, there is so much involved with a divorce, she really needs to get professional advice. As her friend, just be there to support her. But she has BIG decisions to make and needs professionals advising her.

I will keep her in my prayers.

It's not worth divorcing over that. See a counselor or if her husband needs "time out", let him go get an apartment and sort himself out for x # of days/mos, but she shouldn't sign divorce papers if she is not in agreement.

D., first of all, why does SHE have to move out of the house? She should be talking to her attorney and get expert advice on this. In some states it's a mistake to move out of the house and can keep you from getting what you should get in the divorce settlement.

Tell her to find out about this before she puts one single thing in a box.

Has she opened up a single bank account? Has she moved any money in it? Has she applied for a single credit card? She needs to do all this too.

She should get all the important papers together to give to the attorney. Copies of the taxes, his benefits statements from his company (especially medical benefits if she and the children are covered under his plan), bank stmts, IRA stmts, stock brokerage stmts. The whole thing. This is really important, D..

First things first. The attorney, the papers, knowledge. Then deciding who lives where.

I wish her the best of luck and am so sorry she has to go through this.

All my best,
Dawn