Advice on a Separation

Rachel, you need to get to a good divorce attorney. He or she will tell you every thing you need to get. It will include a copy of your husband's business benefits, 401-K and pension, medical, etc., credit card statements (not just the numbers), tax statements, social security cards, DL numbers, etc. You need to get a legal separation and let the attorney keep you from being responsible for your husband's debts. The attorney can make sure that your husband doesn't drop you and the children from his company's medical plan, too.

You need a separate bank account and you need to put money from the joint account into the separate one. (Use a different bank.) You need your own credit card too, and you need to get your name off of his credit cards.

The attorney will help you. It's too important to NOT do this - sometimes husbands take away all the funds and try to "starve out" the wives in order to get them to agree to a small settlement. You don't want this to happen to you.

If, for some reason, you two DO reconcile, it won't matter that you protected yourself. If you don't, it will make a huge difference that you did.

Good luck,
Dawn

First off, sorry things have come to this. It will get better, I promise.
Second, you do need an attorney as others have said. Next, make copies/document every acct the two of you have. Balances, due date, payment amounts, in your name, in his name, cars, investment accts, savings, utilities, cell phones, etc etc etc. Do this right now, not next week.
He is amicable now, but that doesn't trump spite. Cover yourself and your kids. Good luck.

For bank accounts, credit cards, loans, and insurance policies, get the name of the company, and account/policy number, and a contact phone number. Get current account balances and statements. Any property that you own together, get a copy of the title or deed. Good luck. I'm sure other moms will have more suggestions!

Yes - you get a copy of EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

NO EXCEPTIONS.

The easiest way is to copy every statement, and the front/back of each card. That should give you the info you need.

*WE* do not seek counsel. YOU seek your own counsel. Get something in writing about visitation and child support, like today. This will protect ALL of you. It's imperative. Even if you both are saying that you will be nice and civil and whatnot. This will PROTECT you and him and your kids.

1. Go set up your OWN checking account. Determine (if you are amicable and you don't think he will be evil... yet) how you will split money.
2. Take his name off any credit cards you will keep. Get your name off any credit cards he will keep.
3. What about your cars? Figure out what is in whose name now and what should be in whose names going forward. Then make a list and start.
4. Find a babysitter. Not sure how long you have lived out of state, but you will need support when you have your kids. if you are going to see a lawyer, but it's your turn with the kids you need someone to watch them. If you need to go to the store, or you're at your wits end, or you haven't slept or whatever. Find someone who is reliable and has some free time and figure out the money to pay them to help you.

Good Luck

I'm sorry you're going through this. Hopefully your decision will bring you peace and allow you to move on toward a happier time.

You should close/freeze any joint accounts NOW so that the balances are clear when it comes to splitting up debt. Also, creditors don't HAVE to accept the division of debt, so if he runs up a balance and your name is on the card, even if the judge says he's responsible, the creditor can still come after you for payment... better to just close them now and be done.

You should split whatever is in your joint account into two individual accounts so that part is done now.

You should each have copies of your marriage license, kids birth certificates etc.

You should each have copies of the most recent account statements for ALL accounts, joint or other wise, including care loans, credit cards, student loans, life insurance, etc. You should also have statements for all checking and savings accounts as of today's date, including individual accounts because those can be considered community property as well if the money in them was earned or spent during your marriage.

HTH
T.

Get EVERY bit of information you can and hopefully you have ALL his employment information (benefits, 401K, stock, salary, bonus, tax returns, savings, checking, etc.)....Even when things seem to be going OK in a separation/divorce....things can take a turn for the worse in a split second.

COPY EVERYTHING!

Remember the kids' records as well: social security cards, birth certificates, immunizations. You need those for school registration, day care registration, filing for divorce or legal separation, etc. In order to apply for court fees to be waived I needed copies of the past 2 tax returns (including W2's) and the past 12 months of paystubs. For public assistance/welfare, you may need tax returns, pay stubs, utility bills, rent receipts, medical/prescription receipts, bank statements, and written statements from any family or friends who regularly pay for your support in any way (including money that your husband gives you during separation). Does your state offer a divorce education class? I just recently attended the one required in my state for divorcing couples and I wish that I had attended it a year or two ago when we were separated. They answered a lot of questions about how the whole process works legally.

Sorry to hear that things didn't workout. You are very wise in asking about how to best prepare for this huge step in your lives.

Besides getting your own bank account, getting all of his job related information, the kids documents, pictures, albums, all the legal papers and bank statements from every account, investments, etc. you have, and many of the other documents the other moms have mentioned; be sure to also secure any cards, letters, emails, voicemails, texts. etc that say what a great wife or mother you are (or show his issues-weaknesses, etc.). You may need these later, and once their gone, you can never get them back. Be sure to immediately change the locks on your apartment so he doesn't have a key. Even if he gives you his key back, he may have made copies and then he can break in and take whatever, set you up, etc. If you ever drink, don't drink anymore, neither in public or private. Don't do anything than can even remotely be misconstrued.

Do not trust your husband, just because he seems amicable, you need to protect yourself. Consult with the best 1 or 2 attorneys in your area so he cannot hire them, even if you end up hiring someone else. If he hires an attorney, do NOT sign a Waiver and get your own attorney. Do not go bargain shopping on your attorney. This is a lifetime changing event, and if not handled properly, you can end up losing your kids or become financially devastated. Ask your parents for help on the attorney retainer if you need to.

Be sure to get everything you are entitled to. You can always give things back, but you can never get back what you lose or give up.

In Texas, there are no legal separations. As long as you are not getting divorced, you are still married and what you buy, sell, etc, is probably going to be community property. So make your decision, but not stay in limbo land. Prepare yourself the best you can, and then take action.

Best wishes and God bless!

Racheal, so sorry you are going through this. The previous ladies had great advice so I will add a couple of things. A credit report (one for each of you) will help reveal any accounts you may not be aware of but may need to be addressed. Also, most churches offer some kind of divorce care for the adults and also for the children. Good luck!

Sorry you are going through this.

I'm not sure what you mean by "before he takes everything." Do you mean he will take paperwork with him, or do you mean he will take things away (papers and money) so that you can't have access to them? If it's the second thing, then you need a lot more protection. Start now before he leaves.

In addition to what's been mentioned below, you obviously need a support agreement in place. Get your name off any credit cards that he has, and get his name off anything that you will be using. Otherwise you are responsible for his debts. You should write down all of the credit card numbers as well as the account number (sometimes those are different) - so the number on the card as well as the number on the statement.

Get a post office box so that incoming mail from an attorney or and financial institution is not sitting around the house while he is living there or when he comes by to see the kids. An attorney recommended this to my neighbor when her husband was pulling some not-so-nice maneuvers financially. It's not an expensive box.

I would go to a mediator if you two are cordial and willing to work together. It's less expensive than 2 separate attorneys. However, if you have any doubts about your husband's actions, then get your own representation.

I agree that judges don't want to hear all the details - they want it solved beforehand. However, I don't agree that all judges award custody to the working father (who puts the kids in day care) rather than with a SAHM. A lawyer can help you with this and in particular with the laws in your state.

Good luck to you.

You will want to be sure that you have ss cards, birth certificates, marriage licenses (as the female, you may need that to tie in your last name for things like the new federally compliant driver's license). You should also be sure that you have account numbers and telephone numbers for any debt you have (cc, bank, mortgage, etc). I would like to suggest that you maybe each get your own credit card and close the joint account (or at least have them block future charges) so neither of you have to worry about the other running it up. Try to agree on at least a temporary custody/vistation schedule and child support...write it up and have it notarized...it wouldn't be legally binding but it would at least be something while you wait for court (couldn't hurt).

You need to have a job. Today if you're not already working. My friend is going through a divorce and he got custody of the kids because the judge decided she was not financially able to support them. He makes over 100K per year and "he" asked for child support and spousal support from her. The judge didn't award that though. He didn't address it at all, just that the hubby got full custody.

So if you are not working you need to start finding a job as soon as possible. ''Then you need to make sure that you guys get everything settled whether by mutual agreement in writing or by going to mediation. The judges have heard it all before, they don't care about all the details, they want you to come in and be gone 5 minutes later. They don't want to hear the he did this, she did that at all. So have it all settled before you ever set foot in the court room.

Make sure you do not ask for him to pay anything extra besides his child support.

Many women will ask for the ex to pay half the child care, half the medical bills, half the extra sports fees, etc... because even though it would be court ordered he may not pay it.

I had this happen several times with different women in my child care center. They used the services then told me to bill someone else. Okay, I sent the bill but my policy plainly stated payment was due on Monday before they were dropped off.

It was not my business mailing anyone a bill, it was to be paid to me on Monday morning. I had women refuse to pay their bill because it wasn't "their" bill. They could not understand I was not under any court order. They needed to pay their own bill and then bill the ex.

If he is court ordered to pay a bill but doesn't, then you still owe it and you have to take him to court to get the money if he refuses.
It would be nice if they would do what they are supposed to but it rarely happens.

So, any bill you make you must plan on being able to pay it by yourself without any child support, any special court order, no spousal support, etc....if he refuses to pay you are the one that ends up losing everything. If he loses his job tomorrow you are stuck with the bills you are making today. That's all. You just need to budget to pay the bills and stuff your out of your own pocket. Then if he doesn't pay you do not have to suffer.

Sorry you are going through this. You are right in thinking that you need to get a copy of or secure all documents ASAP. You can take them to an office store or a Kinkos to copy or scan.....for him if you want to be nice. You should keep the originals. Copy every tax return for past 7 years and supporting documentation like w-2s, deduction support etc. copy bank statements for 2 years. Copy the most recent bill for every expense (utilities, apartment lease, insurance, credit cards, etc). Get the kids birth certificates, passprorts immunization records. Put all these in a safe deposit box or with a friend. Get a thumb drive and download all docs and files from every computer.

Other things to think about: pack up any jewelry, personal things from your family, special kids items and give them to a trusted friend of YOURS to keep for awhile. Or put them in a safe deposit box. Any weapons in the house- same thing. Even if he isn't violent.

As soon as he moves out: Make sure to change apartments or change the locks ASAP. Move your cell phone and utilities and kids insurance etc to your Own account.

As someone else said, in Texas the limbo time can really upset things. That's because there is no separation here. So while you are still legally married either of you can open new credit cards, run up debts, spend or sell assets and really turn the financials into a mess. And the other party is 50% liable. The only solution is to move quick and get everything separated via the final divorce decree. So- even though it is tough, do not dilly dally. Sorry you are going through this.