Disagree with Therapist

If you are burnt out already, there is no balance. I love my kids, don't get me wrong, I would die for them, but it is very important for me to take care of ME in order for me to take care of them. This was one of the very first lessons I learned as a mother, it has served me and my children very well. They respect my need for time alone to regroup and process stress, it has taught them patience and empathy.

Your therapist is correct.

You have to take care of yourself because if you don't, nobody else will. If you give all of yourself to everyone else...they'll lovingly suck the life right out of you.

And that's what you're teaching your daughter that moms are supposed to do: Be taken for granted. Be stressed. Never have any time for themselves.

I strongly recommend that you find something that is JUST for you. Maybe it's 30 minutes on the elliptical at the YMCA. Maybe it's an hour with a book and a coffee at the park or library. Maybe it's monday night volleyball or bowling with a ladies team. Whatever it is....you need to have time that belongs to you alone. If you don't, how do you expect to unwind and grow as an individual?

Your child is NOT the center of the world (and it's unhealthy to teach her that she is). I think that some of your problems with her will be alleiviated if you show her that mommy does have a life that doesn't revolve around her demands. And it will help with your stress and burnout.

Your therapist is right.

When you're on a plane, they show you how to use the oxygen masks. Do you know what they tell parents that are sitting with their children? Put your own oxygen mask on before you attempt to help your child put on theirs.

You are useless to your child if you can't function due to emotional burnout and fatigue. You can't balance anything if you can't function.

Therefore, E S. it's time to put on your oxygen mask.

EDIT: Your other therapist retired for a reason. She was probably burned out. :-) It also sounds like you were maybe a little TOO comfortable with her. You absolutely must take care of yourself, and since you're feeling burned out then there's no balance in your life as Talkstotrees stated.

Happy woman = Happy mom = happy child

You have the very young daughter that scripts things and demands that you and your husband do things her way? Correct?

Your therapist is correct. Adults come first. Children learn to respect them. Children do not tell adults what to do nor do they run the household.

Why go to a trained therapist if you don't want to try her advice?

You can't take care of her if you're worn to a nub. Why do yoiu think that airlines tell you in case of a crash to put YOUR air mask on before putting the child's mask on? If you pass out, you're no good to your child.

The role of a therapist isn't to make you feel good and always agree with you.

Yes, having a good WORKING relationship is important, but you've got to let go of that comfort "connection" with your last therapist and give this one a chance.

Therapy is often like that grain of sand in the oyster.....from the "irritant" comes a pearl....From being challenged in therapy comes personal growth.

Your therapist isn't saying to put ALL of your needs above your daughter. She's saying with respect to burnout, you must make yourself a priority and take care of your needs or you will be good for no one---including your daughter.

Stop pining for your old therapist. Therapists aren't your friends; they are professionals to help you deal with certain situations in your life, and then you move on. Time to move on!

Listen to her. A stressed burned out mommy is not refreshed enough to tackle the horrible threes. Right now, for a short time while you are resting and then concentrating on your upcoming test, daughter can be mostly cared for by others. You have good people around her that are more than willing to help out. (Lucky)
There is going to come a day that the preparation and restoration time you have put in will benefit her. Do it while the stars are aligned and you have help.

In short, quit making up excuses and do something for the long term. This is being an adult who takes the long view.

In order to be an effective parent you need to make sure your needs are met.

You can disagree with anyone you want. The majority of the responders on your post have stated that you have to put YOU in front of your daughter's wants.

If you continue to give all you have to your daughter, when will you have time for you? Your work will take, your husband will take, any other children you have will take. What will be left for you? Nothing. The problem with this scenario is that they will continue to take and walk over you, and if you drop dead, they will continue on as if you were never there. There is where the balance has to be found -- more for you.

So stop, look, rest, smell the flowers and learn to live your life for you. Children are in your life for such a short time and then what do you have left for you? Not much if you have not carved out a corner for you. It's like the emptiness syndrome when all the kids are gone and mom and dad don't know who they are. They are actually strangers sharing a house together. Got to work on you and hubby as well as the child. Many people would argue with me with the pecking order of mom and dad and then children. If mom and dad aren't right the kids won't be either. Oh, and no one gets everything they want in life when they want it. Like Jagger says, "You can't always get what you want."

So start now so that you have a wonderful life.

the other S.

PS I have seen what the results look like and they are not pretty.

I think she's right. EVERY parent needs to put themselves first every so often. Mothers too often, get pushed to the back, while they do everything for everyone else. I'm confident she does not mean, that you should not give your daughter everything she needs. I think she just means, let things be about YOU sometimes. That's all.

You are burnt out, which makes it very obvious your life isn't balanced. Take her advice.

On an airplane, the safety instructions say to place the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then attend to the child. Why? Because if you don't take care of your own oxygen, you may not get the mask on your child in time, and even if you do, your child is alone because you are passed out from lack of air.

Life is the same way. You have to love your child enough to take care of her mother. You have all these posts about burnout, but you aren't taking care of YOU> Kids don't get everything they want when they want it - that's not helping them, and it's not the way the world operates. They have to respect you and your role, and that comes from you making decisions and not always sacrificing yourself. You absolutely will shortchange your daughter if you burn out. She deserves more.

Yes, you need a connection with a therapist, but going to one just because she agrees with you isn't terribly productive or educational or enlightening.

it's the same philosophy as 'secure your air mask before assisting the person in the seat next to you.' if you burn out, your daughter suffers.
of course there's a balance. this really isn't an either/or situation. your therapist is clearly worried about the extent of your burnout and wants you to take care of yourself.
listen to your therapist.
khairete
S.

I would point to an extreme: children who are abused by their parents still love those parents because they are the parents. So provide the care and love a child needs, but also give them the freedom to do things on their own, to make mistakes, to be bored or lonely, all good learning experiences. If you give your child the example that you need to give your all to be loveable, then she will most likely internalize that message and have a burned out life repeating your example. Plus by giving her all she wants (not needs) you may just be setting her up for failure if she acts spoiled and demanding. Take care of you.

You ABSOLUTELY have to come first.

That doesn't mean you neglect her. It means you take care of her.

It's like on an airplane. You put your mask on first. THEN you put on the mask for your child.

My mom was a HUGE put everyone first but her. I almost cant stand her.... she is such a martyr. Not only that.... you aren't teaching your daughter that SHE is important. I know it seems like you are, by putting her first.... but you're not. You're teaching her the EXACT OPPOSITE. which is to take care of everyone else at your expense.

As woman we often forget that we do need to put ourselves first because if we don't care for ourselves we can not truly give to anyone else. I don't think she was implying you should ignore your child, only that if you don't care for yourself how can you really give of yourself to anyone else?

Sorry honey, but your therapist is right.

Putting yourself first helps protect your health. Moms have a tendency to give and give and give until they don't even know where THEY end and their kids start. That's not a healthy thing. Moms who go overboard with this tend to allow their children to take advantage of them and excuse away the behavior. That's not good for the kids either.

We've seen moms on here whose teens and adult children pull away from them so much that the moms are totally miserable. Most of the time it's normal separation. Sometimes the separation is because the kids feel suffocated by the mom and won't have much of a relationship. It nearly kills the mom because all she can identify with is her status of being a mom and, with her child gone, she doesn't know how to just be her instead of just being a mom.

It may seem like to you that this isn't something you should worry about this early. But this is a mindset, mom. I will bet that your therapist sees this in you and is trying to help you understand this in order to keep from being that kind of mom in a few short years. Kind of like the analogy of the airplane directive that you put your own oxygen mask on before you assist your children, you need to take care of yourself as a woman first before you take care of your kids. Being able to do this will help you be a better mom in the long run, as well as have children who grow up understanding that they aren't the center of the world.

I can't speak to the idea of it being important to have a connection with your therapist from personal experience, but I would think that sometimes we need someone giving us advice who doesn't sugarcoat and affirm everything we do. Personally, I don't think I'd want my therapist to be my friend. You might consider that in regards to your new therapist.

Congrats on completing your class! It can be so stressful when you can feel yourself burning out.

Without too many details about what your therapist said, maybe he/she meant that you need to take care of yourself first before you're able to take care of your daughter? I do agree with that..if you spend too much time giving and giving all the time and you never take anything for yourself, it can be detrimental.

Hope you have a break before your next class begins. You deserve it!

Why do you disagree? Here I see you saying I disagree but not giving any reasons why. I find that significant because you seem to have a pattern of making observations and then not doing any analysis to determine if your observations are correct.

Then you come here and ask us. How would we know? We are not you, we do not have access to your memories, we do not know your husband, your child.

You need to stop asking us and sit down and consider your feelings, question why YOU are feeling them.

Just a few things to ponder: She's a professional, and is offering you an objective suggestion. You are not a mental health professional, it would be very difficult for you to be objective in this situation, and you're suffering from self diagnosed burnout. Listen to her, or don't waste your money going to a therapist you don't like. You could always tell her your concerns, perhaps if she further explains what she means you will be more comfortable with it. Good luck!

She is right and you have no understanding of why she is right. You need to ask her to elaborate, take notes and reflect. Maybe even pick up the bible and read about the roles each family member has.

I think you really need to either get your therapist to elaborate or change to an actual psychologist instead. I think a lot of people aren't going to like what I've got to add to the mix, since I've noticed it seems like all the reasons are "put yourself first." It's that "Me first" attitude that got our society in such a mess in the first place, because it's just too extreme. Ever notice how there just doesn't seem to be any polite drivers anymore and how people will just grab and push and shove? There's no more getting out of your seat for senior citizens, who are struggling to walk. Ok, back on track here. I have made it my personal philosophy that "Where there is no balance, there is chaos." You can't go extremely one way or the other or there will be tension beyond belief. When there is tension and stress, you will not be able to figure out how to put your oxygen mask on in the first place. You might even "fumple the ball." The trick with balance is that it is very seldom 50/50. Each person needs a different kind of balance due to their different life styles. Some are 30/70, 90/10, 80/20, 40/60. It depends on that person. For some women, taking care of their children and household is what "floats their boat." Other women need to have their own identity. You've got to do what makes you happy. Don't be pressured in to hurrying up/racing to get your career going. You do need to think about your age in regards to a career though. If you are an older mom, you might need to move faster on a career. If you're younger, you can take your time to chill a little before you start hashing out at it again. The first thing is you need to set priorities. What is important to you? Be detailed about your list. Don't just put down, "My daughter is my #1 priority." That's too vague and of course she is. You're a mom "for Pete's sake." That is how most mom's really feel deep down inside. What do you feel you want to do with her? Read a bedtime story every night....make a set playtime with her...etc.? Then you can begin to control the "mom alarms" and jumping up at every time you hear one. It also gives you the oportunity to allow her to be a little more independent like maybe letting her go in a certain cupboard to get her own treat, drawing pictures for you to decorate with later, playing independently, etc. Next is to establish 10-20 min. of meditation. Yep, you heard me right. Find a type of meditation that will be relaxing to you, even if it's going on YouTube and finding a guided meditation, just do it. Mediation is what prepares you mind for the day and repairs your stressed out mind. Figure out a set time to meditate that is convenient for you. If you have, invite your daughter to meditate with you. That way she'll learn how to focus/concentrate better. Taking classes while working is hard too. I've seen people without kids try to work a full-time job and take classes...They get very stressed out, so don't go thinking there's something wrong with you. You're doing great! You just have to remind yourself that. You also have to remember that "When one door closes, another opens." Hope this helps.

Ask these questions to your therapist, not us. Give her your opinions and then listen to hers. Clearly you love your child and want whats best for her. But what is best for a 3 yr old? A happy healthy mother and (if at all possible) a healthy relationship between the parents. How can you give her those two things which are more important than anything else? If you focus on achieving those two goals, then you are 100% doing the right thing for your child.