Death of a Child

I had a friend who's daughter died after being home for 5 days. They thought she was healthy, and the doctor's said she was healthy, but it turned out she had pneumonia. No symptoms, just stopped breathing one day. I, like you, had no idea what to say/do. My mom (who handles death better than anyone I know) told me to say things like "we're thinking of you, you're in our prayers, etc.". She thinks saying "I'm so sorry" can just make it worse. you know, like when you are on the verge of tears and someone asks how you are, so you just break down and cry? maybe that's never happened to you, but I understood what she meant. Also, I would cook them dinner, things that can go in the freezer and cooked whenever they feel. I wouldn't bring your son to the funeral or to visit unless they specifically ask to see him.

I live just outside Westby. I am so sorry to hear of this tragic loss of a child. I have not had to deal with this personally, but I do have several children and know that this is the toughest thing to deal with.
I would recommend not taking your son to visit, or to the funeral. When I had a miscarriage once, and then my friend came to visit with her baby, I totally lost my composure. This was good in a way. Still the funeral may not be the time for this. Eventually bring your son around, you will have to play that by ear, or ask your friend.
I would also recommend, mostly listening, and some physical affection, an arm around the shoulder or a hug, which ever you feel moved to.
Blessings

First I will say that everyone deals with death different. These are my suggestions from my family. My sister's baby died in 2001. She was only 6 weeks old. My son was 4 months old at the time. For my sister, it was okay for her to be around my son, however, she did not interact with him. She would not hold him or play with him. She was fine with my older daughter who was 3 years old. As time passes, she would talk with my son and play with him. I would bring your son around them, and let them do what they need to. It may comfort them to hold your child, but keep in mind that they may avoid your child as well. For my sister, she needed someone to listen as she went through the grieving process. Please do not tell your friend that their child is in a better place, this really bothered my sister. In her eyes, the better place would be here on earth with her mom. It is very hard for all involved to cope with the loss of a child. I have a poem that my sister found that helped her through her tough times, if you don't mind, I will email it to you. If you feel it is appropriate, you may pass it on. My sister actully asked me to read this at my neices funeral. I could go on and on about this becasue my family talks about it often. I am sorry to hear this bad news and I hope I have been of some help. Also, my dads work donated a tree to my sister. We planted it at my moms and use it as a memorial. This may be an idea of something you can do. Everyone knows that as Myciah's tree.

My condolences on the loss of your friends child. It never makes any sense when a parent outlives a child, especially a young child. And you'll never understand what they are going through unless you've been through it yourself (I know I couldn't even comprehend such a loss).

As far as the funeral or taking your child to visit, I think I would pass on that. However, lending your ear is one of the best ways to help. Also, taking meals to them, helping them keep their house in order (ask before doing anything in their son's room). Some one else said to ask, "Is there anything I can do?" and I think that's perfect advice - and keep on asking. It can be anything from running errands (go grocery shopping to helping bring home flowers after the service). Just let them know you are there for them day or night for whatever they might need.

An aquaintance in my mom's group recently lost a child and our group arranged for dinners every other night and house cleaning once a week. The family said it was really nice to not have to worry about cooking meals or doing much cleaning. If you have a smaller group of friends, that might be something you could offer.

Again, I'm so sorry to hear of such a tragic loss. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

K.,
well this is a tough one. I have not had to deal with this but my advice to you is maybe get a sitter for the funeral. Not just because it may upset them but it may be a little rough for your son. He will not understand why he is there and why there is so much pain and crying. As for your friends, I would not act any different towards them. Offer anything and everything possible to help but never say "I know how you must be feeling" you don't, you won't you can't possibly know. Listen and answer any questions they may have for you. MOST OF ALL PLEASE EDUCATE YOURSELF ON SIDS. It may not make you feel better but just to let you know; there was nothing that could be done other than preventitive measures. There has never ever been a baby revived from a SIDS death. In other words, it does no good to watch their every breath because if they stop breathing due to SIDS you can't do cpr and bring them back. It has never happened. There is more to SIDS than just the breathing part. They are still studying SIDS. It is being traced to genes, temp, and a few other things. For now.. for your son don't put anything in his crib. No bumper pads, no stuffed animals, no pillows. Nothing.. don't use big bulky blankets. If you must use a blanket make sure it is tucked snug under him and please let him sleep on his back. Take a class on SIDS. I am not a doctor, I am a child care provider. please visit this web site:
http://www.nichd.nih.gov/sids/
Good Luck,
L.

My condolences to you. What a horrible thing to go through at this time.

I have read all of the advice posted here and think that you got some GREAT ideas. One thing that I really want to point out is NOT SAY "Is there anything I can do."

While it seems like a caring comment, it really is annoying.

My father died recently and that's all I heard. To me it was just "something to say." But there was no heart behind it.

What I wanted was for someone to take me to lunch, or go out for coffee, or go see a movie and just listen to me. I wanted company, I wanted to share stories, I wanted to laugh, I needed to cry, I didn't need generic statements because of the awkward moment. Don't say it.

Instead of ASKING what you can do, TELL them what you will do.

And leave your son at home. Let them grieve. When I miscarried, I didn't want to see newborns. As much as I was happy for the parents, l had to ask, "Why me and not them?"

This family will probably have lots of people around the next few weeks, but after that everyone gets on with their lives. Be there for them at that time. Go to the movies, go out for hot chocolate, be their friend.

Good Luck to you.

D. in milwaukee

I am so sorry to hear about your friends' child. How scary to think it could happen to any of us at any time.

I know it's hard to know what to say and I've never been there so I don't have the answers. However, I am aware of a fantastic book that I have bought for friends of mine when they have lost a child. It is called The Andrew Poems by Shelly Wagner. Shelly's son died in 1984 at the age of 5. He had been playing in the backyard of their home and had been swinging from a tree branch that broke. Andrew fell into the river and drowned. The poems that Shelly Wagner wrote about her son are both heartbreaking and healing at the same time. (I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to attend a reading with her several years ago). I would definitely recommend getting this book for your friends. Even if it sits on the shelf for awhile, the day will come when they are ready to read it and they will appreciate having it. I hope this is helpful to you. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

K.

K.- Last year one of my 5 year olds at my preschool was suddenly killed in an ATV accident. We were all shocked! Her parents called us from Children's Primary to let us know they were "pulling " life support. We of course all went to the funeral and spent the week taking foods over but, we tried to give them privacy-dropping a kind note every week or so just so they knew we were here for them.
The best thing you can do is just let yourself be seen-even if they don't want to talk but, just sit there together, send a short note "thinking of you" , drop off a meal for the family. Any thoughts that you provide they wll appreciate. There is no right thing to say so don't feel like you have to say anything. "we loved him too" is enough and a soft hug. They will have to work it out themselves.

It's been a little over a year and we see her a few times a week with her son. This time of the year is extremely hard so we drop little notes to them so they know we care.

Good luck- there is no rhyme or reason-it just plain sucks!

H.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friends and there loss.
I'm not an expert here but I've read in many past posts that its probably not a good idea to bring your child around for a while, I'm not sure if that is correct but it may be to much of a reminder for them of what they dont have, although it will always be a reminder and there hearts will always hurt at what they dont have anymore, the wounds may be to fresh to see another child. I hope someone can give more insight for you on the situation.

I also think that you can get away with listening and/or talking, at this point, they probably wont really hear anything you say, but just being there can help bring comfort.

Death is so hard to deal with even if its not your own family member, it seams like death happens all around us especially as we get older, one thing I like to do is never ask the greiving if there is something I can do, (can I make you dinner, take your kids to the park, do your dishes), I just do it. I've made dinners that they can re-heat in the microwave. I've stopped by and brought flowers and stuffed animals. I let them know if they need anything to please call me, but I dont wait for them to call, there needs are the last thing on there mind so I try to help with the basics to help keep them alive while there dying inside, Cleaning house, cooking, shopping, phone calls. What ever.

I'm so sad even typing this, again I'm so sorry about the loss. Your a good friend to care so much.

WOW! You have a lot to bear right now. I'm so sorry to hear about this, and also for you and your DH to have to think about it so closly to your son's age. My first thought would be to NOT bring your child to the funeral. When people are hurting, they also "feel" more intensly, (like a megaphone in their face) and you do not want to be the reason for more pain. And Listening is soooh important. Saying, "I'm so sorry," is also appropriate. Under these circumstances, let those who have lost, lead. Asking, "Is there anything I can do right now that you need?" Making a meal and bringing it over to their house, Initially sending cards of berievement, and then later of encouragement, are all ways that speak your genuine concern, but that let them have space to breath, live, and function in some manner again. Obviously you are a good friend to reach out at such a terrible time. Many prayers for you in the next several days.
J.

Man, that is so hard! A friend of mine had her child pass away a few months ago, and he was just a little bit older than that. The only difference was that they were expecting it, because he was sick. But it doesn't make it any easier. I would say that just make sure they know that you're there for them, if they want to talk, but for the most part, I would just listen to them. And maybe say something, if you feel "inspired" to. Are they going to get counseling? My friend doesn't talk about it at all, she almost tries to forget it, like we would all want to do.. but I think it has kept her from mourning properly. (How do you really tell someone they are not properly mourning the loss of their baby?) But she hasn't dealt with it, and I know it is tearing her apart.. I'm afraid one day she will just crack. So, if they are willing to talk about it, and cry about it, I would just listen.
Are they religious at all? (doesn't matter which one) I have seen two books that were really good which I gave my friend. She hasn't been ready to read them yet, but she will when she's ready. One dealt with specifically losing very young children :"Gone too soon" (looked REALLY good). And the other one is about the after life, it's called "the message" by lance richardson. It might help them find comfort in where their son is right now. It might be a while before they are ready to read it, but when they are, it might help. Or there are other really good books out there, too.

That is so heartbreaking! My prayers are with you and your friends. My advice to you as far as the funeral goes, would be to get a babysitter for the funeral. It would probably be the easiest for everyone. Your son is too young to process what's going on for one thing. It may be too overwhelming to him. When my brother in law died, they had a two year old son and their counselor told them that it would be a good idea just to keep him home. I don't think your friends would be upset about you bringing him, but it may just be one more reminder to them. Keep in mind that it will take time for your friends to want to be around in general. Be good listeners and you will know when you need to talk. This is going to be a tough process for everyone, even your son. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

How horrible for those parents....I am not speaking from experience because I have never lost a child, but I have been a friend to someone who has. I do not know the right answers, but I do know that it may be hard for them to see other children right away, especially at a similar age. Do they have other children. I would imagine if this is their first it may be harder becuase they don't have anyone else to focus on. I would definitley visit, call and offer to do things, don't just say let me know if you need anything. Make them meals, send a card or e-mail. It helps to know you are there...and don't feel like you have to say something to "fix" anything...they just want you to listen...and you may say stupid things at times, but that's o.k. we are human, it's just best for you to be there for them....don't shy away because you're scared of what to say.