Ok, I have not been on here for awhile, and want your opinion on this....it’s basically a vent, but I do want to know what you think. Sorry it’s so long!
My husband and I are friends with a couple who have two children under the age of three. Our daughter is almost two, so pretty close in age. We have been friends for about two years and try to get together at least once or twice a month. We vacationed together over the summer and watch each other's kids every once in awhile. Every time we do something with them, they are late. Ok...whatever. Not a huge deal. Even if they invite us to their place or they are the ones asking if we would like to go to dinner. We have just become used to the fact that they always run late.
Here's what bugs us: they will make plans, then cancel them the day of. I totally understand with kids and her husband having to work all over the state. However, anytime they are planning on coming to our house, and we have already spent a fortune on food, etc....they cancel on us like fifteen minutes before, or actually whatever time they are supposed to be here. This means we have already prepared the food. We have become used to it, and just deal with it...once again, annoying but whatever right.
So we got together two weeks before New Years. While we were eating, my friend said that we should get together for New Years. Her husband agreed, and my husband and I offered to host. The next week my friend watched my daughter for me while I was getting my hair done. By the way, this was the same week as New Year’s Eve. So we went over everything I was planning on buying and making and what they were going to bring. I asked her if she thought just having the snack-foods would be ok, or did they want to eat a meal? She said snack-foods would be great, and we could all fill up on that (to me, that means we are not eating dinner beforehand, etc) We decided on 7:00. We usually eat much earlier (my husband and I), but that is the norm with them, so I didn’t think it out of the ordinary or that they would eat dinner beforehand.
That night, she texted me and said that her husband had made plans with some friends of his earlier and forgot, so they wondered if it would be ok for this guy and his wife to come over to our house. We are pretty easy going, so said sure come on over. The next day she texted me and asked what we thought about going to their house. I replied that that would be fine, although my daughter would most likely not sleep, but I said since they have two kids it would probably be easier to do that. I asked what I needed to bring. I didn’t hear back from her until late that night, when she said, sorry for changing the plan again, but can we all just come over there? I think our house will be too small. I said sure. The day of NYE, I was at the store when she texted me, asking what they should bring. I texted her back with a list of things I had in the cart, and asked if they could just bring a veggie tray and maybe some drinks. She said her friend made really good hummus so they were going to bring that as well as champagne, etc. I told her that sounded awesome. I asked if that sounded like enough food to fill up on, and she said it sounded great. So anyway, of course at 7:00, they let us know they were on our way (keep in mind, that’s what time they were supposed to be here). We had cheese dip, little smokies, hot wings, shrimp, I don’t even remember what else, but a ton of snack foods that we had spent about $70 on. We pay a fortune in daycare, and my husband and I both have a long commute. This is my first year of teaching, and I have several medical problems, so it’s not like we just have a ton of money to throw away. Don’t get me wrong; we do fine and are not “poor” by any means, but we don’t like to throw money away on stupid things.
So, they show up, introduce their friends, and we all are just sitting around. My husband and I probably only talked to their friends three or four times all night, actually that’s about as much as we spoke to our friends as well. We would try to engage in conversation or speak with them, and it was like they would start talking about something else. I don’t know….very awkward the WHOLE night. So, I was starving since I hadn’t had dinner and I told everyone there was food in the kitchen, dig in. My friend got up with me, and as I was piling my plate high, she got some hummus and said, “we already ate dinner, but I can still eat!” WHAT THE HELL? I was pretty sure that we discussed this….as the night progressed, we picked up that our friends went out to eat with their friends before they came to our house. So the only thing our friends and the other people ate was the hummus. Didn’t touch any of the food we had out. I think my friends’ husband had a little, but all of that food was not even touched. I have spoken with her since, but have not brought it up, just because I don’t like confrontation and I’m pretty much over it. Do you think this is something to end/back off a friendship over? My husband was PISSED…he said he had never been so bored and uncomfortable, especially in our own home. He just wants to cut all ties. We have kind of agreed upon not asking them to do anything, just wait for them to invite us. But he doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything with them anymore. He asked me how many times or how much money would we have to spend before I quit letting them treat us this way. He can’t stand it when people are late, and thinks that what they did to us was just completely rude. I think just saying we have other plans, etc will be fine, and maybe see them every once in awhile when they ask us but who knows. Are we over-reacting here? Be honest please
Thanks for all the advice :) When we do hang out, we really enjoy their company, but I agree...it's not worth all of this back and forth, especially when we have a child. I think we will just see what happens...but we won't be asking them over anymore :) We have had them over with other friends, and always make sure to keep the conversation flowing and to include everyone. We have several other friends we get together with as well, but because of all of the back and forth on New Years, they all had plans. My husband said that we should have just told them sorry, we have something else to do after they asked if we could go over to their place. I think we should have probably done things his way :) The only thing that really sucks is I'm going to have to be in contact with her because she has my Turbo Jam dvds and they left their youngest sons' coat here. I think I will just ask if I can come by and grab the dvds and hand her the coat and be on my way :) We have had to cancel before too, and once at the last minute because baby was sick, but I think there is a difference between that and being chronically late/canceling. I agree, it is just the way they are and we will see what happens.
We have friends like this and are completly oblivious to what they do. So we see them if they call us and usually make that visit happen at their house. That means we can leave when we want and frankly show up when we want as they have no set schedule for ANYTHING. I agree with hubs, keep it a casual friendship and see where everything falls.
If you do not enjoy hanging out with this couple anymore, then don't. It seems like they only frustrate you (which is completely understandable). I wouldn't necessarily confront them about it, just be busy when they want to do something.
"I think just saying we have other plans, etc will be fine, and maybe see them every once in awhile when they ask us"
Yep, they sounds like that kind of friend. But since they are ALSO the kind of friends that will watch your kid (and you trust to do so), I wouldn't cut them out completely. But I sure would not make party plans with them again.
Yikes! Awkward! I would have been furious as well. Sounds like your friends are inconsiderate but not intentionally hurtful. Maybe let the friendship cool a bit such as waiting for them to invite you but if you are considering cutting them off completely you may want to let them know why. Give them a chance to change their ways since they may actually be oblivious to their wrongdoings.
I actually had to re-read to see if there were dinner plans because there was a lot of back and forth texting! For this particular event, regarding dinner or not, it just sounds like you had a different idea about what 'snacks' meant. They probably assumed that because you agreed to snacks instead of dinner that they should eat first. You sound like a fabulous host! We typically eat dinner before any event that isn't specifically including dinner.
Personally, it just sounds like you've been irritated with this couple for awhile and when they showed up with friends, who changed the dynamics to one of discomfort, that maybe this was the last straw.
It's ok to grow out of friendships and if you aren't benefiting from time spent with them and all that entails, it's ok to take space or move on. I thinkd it's easier to do this when something offensive happens and I think sometimes we (me included) feel pressure to stay in close contact with people we don't necessarily click with if nothing 'bad' has happens. Almost like there's a need to justify moving on without friends or we are stuck with them. Because somehow if they haven't done anything too wrong we are obligated to stick around.
I kind of view it as a break-up...sort of. You aren't happy but stay because the other person hasn't done anything wrong. So then we maybe pick a fight so we can justify breaking up.
Your change of heart is justification enough. You aren't the bad guy anymore than they are. It's really a compatability issue, in my humble opinion. So if you aren't compatible anymore, wish then well in your heart and move on. Friends are supposed to add to your happiness and if this isn't what they are doing, spend energy on friendships that do.
Good luck and try not to stress too much over the details...because the bigger picture is you and your family having positive friendships with others who are more compatible.
BTW...i'd totally eat all your food:)
IMO if a "friendship" causes stress, feelings of upset or being used on a regular basis, then it's really not working is it?
We had some friends who would come over quite often, eat our food, drink our drinks, never bring things to share (and if they did you'd think they were offering us pure gold!). Never offer to host or help clean up etc. There ended up being a little tift between the guy and my hubby, a misunderstanding really, they patched it up, but after that I was like "what's the point?". Those aren't real friends..........
You're not over reacting. Once or twice I could understand but this sounds like a standard practice for your 'friends'.
Time for you and hubby to find real friends.
If you're uncomfortable with confrontation, canceling on them or declining them two or three times ought to get your point across.
You are not over reacting. We have had friends like that and just let the friendship cool off. Stop inviting them over, if they invite you claim previous plans "sorry, can't make it, maybe next time" type of thing. They will stop asking after a time or two. We have ended friendships this way, on good terms just like we have grown apart.
Good luck
I was thinking that you can still make loose plans with them where you don't have to commit anything financially and where the cancelling won't be a big deal. Don't pre-buy food, etc. If they come over and you get hungry, make a quick munchie run TOGETHER and SPLIT the cost of the munchies, etc. That way, no $ loss, and less angry feelings, especially as you say you may still run into them, etc.
That is terrible! How akward that sounds.. I hate that when people do that to you especially when you are supposed to be friends with them you think that they would be a little nicer, and consider you a little more, especially when they knowwww that you spent all that money for food, drinks etc to make it a fun and special night. You were kind enough to host, invite their friends and put up with all the back and forth games.
Honestly in my opinion, kindaaa sounds like they went back and forth so much because they didnt really want to come over, and maybe she was hoping you would be the one to cancel the night. But it obviously didnt work.
They dont sound like good friends to me, and if it were me in your situation, id cut ties too. You dont have to tell them or anything but just dont call them to do things anymore. If they call you great, decide what you want to do then. But I wouldnt go seeking them out to be friends and do things anymore.
Why would you want friends who dont consider your feelings, and dont treat you all that great? Friends can be hard to find sometimes, but you can always find a better one, one that will be more considerate and awesome like you.
I don't think you are over it. I think you are hurt and rightly so! However you feel is ok....I think your friends are completely self-absorbed and selfish people. I also believe things wouldn't have progressed to this ending point if you had nipped it in the bud and didn't allow yourself to be strung along. Why let them make all the decisions and changes---one change is ok-but going back and forth on houses and details of party etc. is way to much! She strung you along to get her way because she could. So if you don't want her to do that to you anymore, you need to set your boundaries up better. Next time she asks to do something, hesitate and say let me get back to you- I need to check with my husband and our plans- don't let her control the going and coming and all that. Make it on your terms. This is the only way that it will work with those type of people. When she invites you over, tell her a time range when you will be there-give her a taste of her own medicine. Like say i talked with ____ we would love to meet for dinner, we will be there between 6:30 and 7. Don't let her string you along anymore!!! They got away with way to much in my book, I would have canceled the evening after change of schedule attempt 2. I don't have time for people canceling, being late or just doing whats always convienient for them with no account for my family's schedule too.
Just remember... You teach people how to treat you. If you don't like the way they are treating you, don't mess with them until they meet your standards of being respectful and courteous friends.
GL!
M
I dont think you are overreacting. I mean, come on, why cant the act like adults? They sound like immature teenagers to me. It doesnt sound like this friendship is fun at all anymore. I would stay away for awhile and dont incovenience yourself for them anymore. I would say the ball is in their court, and only do something with them A.-if you want to, and B- if its convenient for you. You have to obligations to them and owe them nothing.
I think you have reason to be upset. It sounds as though they are quite inconsiderate. Maybe not intentionally, but really they had every opportunity to tell you they were going to dinner first and didn't. And it seems as though, you've given lots of chances. They aren't respecting your time or your friendship. I think that's grounds to back off on the friendship.
If you typically enjoy being with them, I don't see the need to cut off ties completely but for now on, you shouldn't let them dictate things so much. I definitely wouldn't initiate plans and I definitely wouldn't host for awhile. With some friends, we've gone from being all nice and accomodating to only doing what we want, when we want because they didn't treat us well. One couple became a mutual friend with another couple we're friends with and the two of us got tired of always hosting. So next time the one mom gave my friend the "let's all get together!" my friend said "sure, let us know when you'd like us to come down to your place." Guess what - never got an invitation but we're still friendly. Neither of us are going to go out of our way though again for this couple. So let them put forth effort for awhile. If they do, then great. If they don't, you at least won't be angry. Btw - they are totally rude. I wouldn't be so mad at the not eating your food thing but why didn't they invite you to dinner too?!!!
You aren't overracting at all...You seem to be putting all the effort into the friendship, and it is a two way street. I wouldn't cut all ties...but I would cool it off completely. You can still be friends, but I would avoid making any plans with them or inviting them to anything...it isn't worth it. You have complete justification in being mad, but even if you talk to them about it....do you really think it is ever going to change?
This isn't an instance...it is "just the way they are." They don't mean to be inconsiderate...in fact I am betting they have no clue...and nothing you say will change that.
The plan you mentioned sounds like a good idea. Expand your friendships.
I don't think you are over reacting at all. I would be beyond pissed also. But, I would probably tell my 'friend' exactly what I thought and how I felt. And after I did that, I would wait for them to ask my family to do something, make plans with them and totally not even go out with them. I know some think its childish, BUT if they don't know what you feel like, then they might never really get it.
I 100% agree with your husband. This friendship is a one way street and they are using you. You guys are definitely the B team where they are concerned. Sounds like that other couple is the A team.
Get your stuff back from them and be cordial. But DO NOT initiate any calls or contact. See how long it even takes them to get to you. If they ask to get together I would tell them it would have to be at their house. And then cancel at the exact same time you were supposed to be there. This will subtley send the message to them that their gig is up and that you two will not be used by them anymore.
I think they are very inconsiderate to do that to you. If you keep letting them treat you that way, eventually, the plans are ones your child will look forward to, and their flakiness will be a huge let down to her too. You don't have to make a big announcement to them that your friendship is over. Just be busy with other plans when they call you. It's probably best if your friendship has a natural end/cooling off without burning bridges. If they press, however, I would be honest and say you and especially DH wish they wouldn't have suggested the NYE get together, waffled back and forth, and then were content to see you go through all the effort and expense only to not partake in it and bring along 2 guests who also who were not friendly nor appreciative of your hospitality. I wonder if they are this flaky with everyone, or if they only put a bare minimum effort into keeping a friendship up with you because the babysitting favors are convenient. Either way, I would place much higher priority on more considerate friends.
you sound like a considerate person and very easy going. your friend might have a hard time coming to a decision. regardless she sounds rather inconsiderate and i would not make the effort with her. see if she calls you and makes the effort.
