Vent! So Rude!

Updated on September 17, 2012
L.M. asks from Hicksville, NY
35 answers

Friends of ours moved out of state almost a year ago. They came back for a visit for a couple of weeks, for a family wedding etc. We planned a barbecue/football party with them. Nothing fancy. Just a few couples and friends for Sunday. But I did get alot of food and beer etc.

Anyways. I texted them reminder a couple of days before, then texted the morning of. They did not get back to me till right before they were supposed to be there. They were hung over from the wedding they had gone to and their family was doing some kind of surprise party for them so they could not come over blah blah blah. The other people coming were all coming SPECIFICALLY to see them. I had ALREADY had a get together with some of those people at my house Friday night. We all still had a great time, I was not bummed out.

I was just MAD. I think it is so rude. Also keep in mind, they are the ones who suggested the get together and wanted to see everyone.

Should I just know better and know they were going to be busy with family and oh well it happens? Or is this rude?? I would NEVER do this to someone else. My friends that were over sure thought it was rude. It would have been different had they not been the main guests of honor. If I just said we're having a barbecue anyways you want to come. Grr.

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So What Happened?

Thanks all of you so much for the input. To answer a few of your questions:

1. They dropped by with their kids to see us on Monday night at 7:30 pm. We had just gotten back from cheer practice and needed to get the kids ready for bed quickly since the next day is school. So that was a little bit rude but who cares, I was so happy to see them. While visiting with them for a little bit on Monday night, they said we should see each other before you guys leave. I said yes definitely when can we do it, during the week is no good, we have school and work. Friday night they had a rehearsal dinner and Saturday the wedding. Our friends said Sunday. I said yeah right, you're going to be too hung over/exhausted. (I know they are big party drinkers). They said no way, they had a wedding brunch in the morning so they would come right after that. They are big Giants fans and the game was starting at 1, thus the plan to be at my house, right at 1. So the plan was set by THEM.

2. I told them I would ask my brother to come out (he lives about 45 min away and he was friends with them too) and some other people. They were happy about it.

3. I texted on Friday to confirm the time. She answered back, let me check with my mom and the bride and I'll get back to you (NOT about whether they were coming - I thought it was definite!) She never got back to me about the time. I texted her Sunday morning to check in on them around 11 am. (She is usually good w texts). She did not call me back till 10 to 1.

4. No, I will not be doing something for them in the future. Yes, I was very irritated at their rudeness. No, nothing is going to waste. I did not barbecue food until people were arriving. I bought extra meat but that is in the freezer so no biggie at all. It is the point of the rudeness and lack of thought. I guess I know better.

I know for a fact I would not do something like this. I'm scrupulous about my plans. And I have a couple of other friends who are as well. But we know that not everyone is.

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answers from Kansas City on

It would be rude to ditch a party that was being thrown for you, but I have to wonder how close you were considering that you were only sending texts back and forth and not talking. I know, I know, I'm old. While texts are easy and convenient they certainly don't take the place of an actual conversation.


2 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

Very rude.
Bet you feel a whole lot better about their having moved away now!
Now you can officially drop them down to Christmas card only list and forget about them the rest of the time.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

That bites! I would have been mad too, but the next time they suggest a get together, let them plan it, not you.

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answers from Columbia on

I'm sure everyone will agree how rude it is, but allow me to answer from the friends' perspective.

See, we are that family. We are the ones who moved, and now everytime we go back "home", we are pulled in a hundred different directions. MIL wants a visit. Mrs. high school friends want a visit. My high school friends want a visit. Aunt wants a visit. Gma and Gpa want a visit. BIL wants a visit. Cousins want a visit. etc....

You can freeze the meat and the beer will stay good. I'd really try to let it go.

I know you planned this whole thing and then they flaked at the last minute, but I really doubt it's intentional. This happens to us, not frequently, but often enough. We either run ourselves ragged trying to accomodate everyone, or we have to cancel someone because of unforeseen circumstances.

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answers from New York on

Rude. Here's the thing, though. My guess is that they mentioned to whomever that they were going to your house Sunday afternoon as an "FYI" kind of a thing. That person (probably a parent) had already planned a surprise event so that they could see others, celebrate a birthday, etc... whatever.

Put yourself in their shoes for just one minute. Your mother plans a surprise party for you (you have no idea about this) and you make plans with some friends. The morning of the party you mention to mom that you and the kids are going over to your friends house that evening so "don't worry about us for dinner". Your mom freaks out because "She's having 20 people over tonight just to see you!"

What do you do? You go with mom's party and cancel your plans with friends. It sucks and it's rude, but it's also understandable. We live out-of-state as well. When we go "home" for a week my parents over-schedule us as well because there are always tons of people who want to see us when we're home. It happens and I would hope that my friends would understand and stop by to see us before we hopped back on a plane.

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answers from Portland on

That is pretty terribly rude, in my opinion.

So, the next time they suggest getting together, just reply: "Yes, it would be great to see you. Let me know when and where you plan on gathering up, we'll be there." You were kind and they, deliberately or not, took advantage of that kindness. Now you know not to extend yourself again. And I'm glad that even though they were no shows, your other guests were gracious enough not to complain and you still had a good time with them.

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answers from Columbus on

Well, I do think I'd be pretty miffed, although I wonder how one would handle the situation of a surprise party. If they had no idea it was happening, how could they have prevented the conflict? And is it possible they didn't realize they were the guests of honor at your party?

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answers from Redding on

Well, I'm sorry about the way it turned out.

All I can say in their defense is that it's so easy to have high hopes and over-extend yourself when you are traveling and trying to cram in as many things as possible over a short time.

Last time my sister and I flew back east, in the span of a week, we had a memorial for our dad, attended a family reunion, found out we were invited to a very formal family wedding that we hadn't packed appropriately for, we had relatives that wanted us at their house, we visited all the family cemeteries. We were stretched so thin for time and still didn't get to do everything we'd hoped to. We didn't fail to make any appearances, but we were so rushed the entire time, we barely slowed down enough to just really enjoy everyone. We didn't have our own rental car, so we were driven here and there and kind of at the mercy of our relatives doing the driving.
We had a wonderful time, don't get me wrong...I'm just saying I know how it can be when you have so much to try to do.

It certainly would have been right for your friends to make an appearance after all the trouble you went to. Waiting until the last minute to call off wasn't nice at all. Yes, frankly, it was rude. However, I do wonder if their goals were a little too lofty and they said, "Hey! We're coming! We'd love to have a get together and see everyone!" You took that to mean it was definite, they might have taken it to mean they really DID want to get together and see everyone, and ultimately, it just didn't work out.

I'm really sorry for the way it went. I think you can forgive your friends and know that next time, nothing can really be carved in stone with someone who is trying to cram so many things in.

Just my opinion.
You do have a right to be mad, but hopefully, you can let it go.

Best wishes.

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answers from Pittsburgh on

Well...playing devil's advocate here...
They never said for sure they were coming, in spite of your texts, plans, purchases, etc.
It's hard to be the out of towers with everyone planning your time.
And, as someone else mentioned, family trumps friends.
Sorry it didn't work out as planned. Hey-you tried!

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answers from Washington DC on

I see both sides...

When I go to visit my parents, I still have a ton of friends that want to see me...however...our time is limited so I don't get to see parents don't live near everyone like they used to...when we would come home from Europe my parents would have big party at their house so we could see people and then we could "do our thing"....

However, if it was MY idea to have the get together and then I am a no show??? HUGE rudeness!! HUGE!!!

Sorry that your friends, in essence, dissed you. That was rude. They should have told their family what they were planning as seems convenient that they were trashed from the wedding but well enough to attend another "surprise" party...

I think you have found out they really aren't friends anymore...I'm glad that you were still able to have a good time without them!!

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answers from Los Angeles on

Rude rude rude. Period. Very immature to wait til the last minute to tell you.
The 'suprise party' sounds like it could've been an excuse also, I think they probably just partied too hard at the wedding and simply did not feel like going. I would not plan anything in their honor again, and yes I'd make a comment how it would've been nice to know ahead of time. People like this are self-centered and don't consider other's feelings.

ETA: I see some answers excusing the behavior because they are probably being 'pulled in all directions' or because you text messaged instead of speaking on the phone. No excuse. She was rude plain and simple. It only takes 2 seconds for HER to pick up the phone and reschedule or apologize AHEAD of time. She should've known it was too much in one weekend.

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answers from Sacramento on

It was rude. I would have been angry, too.

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answers from Cumberland on

They should have anticipated that they would be busy with family events and begged off. It was rude of them to accept your kind offer and then do a no show the day of the party. Next time they're in town, if they do make it over-give them a peanut butter sandwich and a Dixie cup of tap water-see how that goes down.

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answers from St. Louis on

It doesn't sound so much rude as they tried to do more than they possibly could in one weekend. When you come in for family events it is not a good idea to plan things on your own, seems like you are always at the mercy of the whims of your family.

I would have gone with great idea but lets see what happens. For me that would mean clean the house, but no investment like food until the day of unless it was a leftover kind of food.

You say you would never do it to someone else but can you really say that? I would never intentionally do it to someone but sometimes you have to placate family which is what it sounds like they did. There is a I can't do something hangover and there is a we drank too much and can't cram everything in hangover, it sounds like the had the latter.

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answers from Houston on

This is a tough situation. It is so hard to visit family when you have friends as well. Believe me! Did she realize the expense you were going to? BBQ and beer?

In the future, I would not go to such effort. If she wants to get together, meet somewhere. Sorry =(

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answers from Hartford on

You texted reminders but never called them to confirm? You went ahead and assumed they would be there even though they never confirmed your texts back. That's where you went wrong.

Then you didn't count on the fact that family might plan something, and if they did it would HAVE to come first.

Not confirming was rude, yes, but it wouldn't have made a huge difference considering they would have had to cancel because of the importance of the family event. I wouldn't hold it against them since they didn't plan a surprise party for themselves.

Luckily your guests had a good time and had good food and company. Hopefully the focus was on the company and football rather than who wasn't present. I would let it all go at this point.

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answers from Minneapolis on

Did they tell you for sure they were going to come on that date at that time? The fact that they didn't respond to your first 2 texts makes me wonder if they were ever really committed to attending your gathering. They were doing a "we'll wait to see how we feel and decide at the last minute." Yes, that's rude. They should have been upfront and told you as soon as plans were made that they may not be able to make it.

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answers from Houston on

I think that was rude. But they might not have realized how much planning you put in either.

Don't let it affect your relationship. Don't say anything, let it blow over and in time you'll be able to think about it without getting mad. Cuz remember, you are probably losing more sleep about it than they are.

I would have showed up if you invited me :) I prefer bbq and football over some of my family members any time!

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answers from Kalamazoo on

I would not be planning anything or inviting them over again.

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answers from Lansing on

Perhaps if this was the first time they came back into town after moving they did not realize how little of time they would have to see everyone. We have a couple that moved out of state and come in for weddings and other family events and it is SO hard for them to squeeze in a visit with us. Many times we have to go visit them at one of their parents house. So, I can only imagine this happened with your friends. While it was rude to do it last minute...I think taking this into account would help you feel better.

And I think you should just plan meeting at a restaurant next time where everyone pays their own way.

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answers from Seattle on

I don't know how old you all are, but first it sounds like too much partying and socializing in general. Who wants to go to another party right after a wedding?? I'm usually exhausted after being at a wedding, dancing and making merry until the wee hours of the night. It's common sense to have some downtime after a big event and spread social events out.

I'm sorry you put so much effort and time into planning a party for 'them' and I agree it was rude of them not to come. It's probably why she didn't return your call or txt, as she was probably too embarrassed, to back out at the last minute.

In the future, I'd recommend you both use more common sense in planning back to back social events.

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answers from Minneapolis on

Rude, and also rude that they were not "freinds" enough to tell you that they are not coming till the day of. Hangover is fine, but wow when you KNOW there is a party and get together planned for you, better have a better excuse than that. If they come again for visit, dont waste your money or time, have a one on one with them, and let someone else throw the party.
My best friend moved to Denver, and when he married I went there, and did all I could to help with the marriage. He planned to come home to see friends and family and specifically planned a day with just me and my family. HE planned this, so I made sure I was available. I put off a family members birthday, and some school functions for this day. So he gets home, and does family things, and is too tired the next day to do anything, he just wants to sit at home and relax so he cancels mine. That ticked me off. So now I just sit back and he can make plans but I dont cancel things. If he makes plans on days that I have stuff I tell him to work around them.

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answers from Williamsport on

It's rude. Some people know that after a wedding, they will possibly be busy and hungover and will be sure not to commit to something they cannot definitely do, or at the very least they will cancel with as much notice as possible out of courtesy, or at the very base lowest minimum they would respond to your texts before (still rude).....

Still others will think they are completely above the rules of politeness and if they are busy everyone else should just "get it" that they are THAT important and don't have to be polite.

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answers from Detroit on

I can definitely understand your frustration, but being that my husbands best friend (our best man) and his family are an air force family, we are used to this.
I havent planned a big party at my house for them, but have always invited them to our house when they are in town, but with all of their family and friends to be seen, it just isnt realistic for them to go visit EVERYONE. It is so much easier for people to come to them, and we want to see them, so we do.
Try to understand, they came in town for a big event like a wedding, and trying to smash in seeing everyone, on top of the travel, its a lot!
I can understand them wanting to see everyone, but things happen and you cant be everywhere at once.
And so what, they had a good time at the wedding. Can you blame them?
As long as you had a good time yesterday and the food was eaten and enjoyed, try not to be too mad.
I can almost be certain it wasnt their intent to hurt anyone or to be rude.

Next time, just give them a break and go to them!

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answers from Phoenix on

This is where picking up the phone & calling would've made a huge difference in the outcome, in regards to your feelings on this.

I think being in your home town & having everyone wanting to see you can be a little stressful, honestly and I can get why they were tired, but they also should've said something. Then again, they may not have known that you had some big thing planned.

Now you know, I guess. Don't go all out for them next time. Meet up for lunch if they have time. For now, I would just let it go & move on.

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answers from San Francisco on

I think its rude. I would call them and tell them that what they did was really sneaky and awful. You told them the party was for them and they couldn't tell their family that they had somewhere else to be? They convieniently came up with a suprise party for them right before they were supposed to come? I don't buy it. What an awful thing to do to a friend. I would also tell them that your friends came specifically to see them and for them not to come was pretty low of them. Don't do anything for them in the future. They should be apologizing like crazy to you----if they haven't, then it shows the true nature of them and what they believe friendships are.

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answers from Denver on

Did you offer to host the BBQ? Did they agree to the BBQ? If yes, then yes, it's quite rude.

If you TOLD them you were having the BBQ, rather than asking.....then that's different. In that case, they should have declined, but perhaps that would create problems too. Friends do not tell friends what is on their agenda w/out confirmation.

I can't tell which is the case from your post. Sorry. : /

ETA: From your SWH, yep, I'd be livid...and hurt too.

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answers from Cincinnati on

I think it's rude. Granted they might not have known they'd be so "hungover" but obviously they were never planning on coming by not telling family they were staying this, hence this surprise party......

People tend to bail, at least a lot of people I know. We just moved a few hours away ourselves, and last week my husbands buddy was going to be right near out house for business for a few days. He called and asked could he stop by one evening and we said sure, just let us know when and we'll cook out etc. Well he ended up picking a day, but I knew better. That morning I told my husband to call and confirm because I wasn't going out to pick up extra things for dinner until we knew for sure. And sure enough....he said he was tired, and we'll have to do it next time. Now had I not made my husband call, we would have been in the same scenario as you. But this guy has a habit of being flaky so I just knew better.
Next time, don't put yourself out so much! They should've been a lot more mindful of bailing on you like that!

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answers from Washington DC on

If they called to ask you to set it up, then they are rude for bailing. I would let them know that other people were disappointed and that you are upset that they would ask you to host, put you out the time and money, and come up with a half-@$$ed excuse to not show up. If their family was going to surprise them, then it should have been a SURPRISE and were it me, I would have told the relatives immediately "oh, we are going to x house for x occasion...why don't you come with us? We'll help you bring the food." Or something!

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answers from Washington DC on

Hmmm. I wonder what else was going on? Here's a more objective take: If there really was a family party sprung on them, they may have been under some kind of pressure to ditch your party for that one -- "The whole family's in town for the wedding, everyone's depending on seeing you, family comes before friends, it's just a football party where you're dropping in" -- that kind of thing. Familes can get weird around wedding times, frankly, and a lot of pressures and other "family history" comes to the fore, especially if other family members (like the bride and/or groom) put on the pressure that "It's OUR weekend, not your friends' weekend!"

I would say it's quite possible they got that kind of flak from family and caved in to it. Smart? No. Adult? No. Rude? Yes. But...why can't you just ask them?

If you and they are good friends and not just "we-were-friendly-when-you-lived-here-but-don't-stay-in-close-touch" friends -- then you should be able to say, politely because there's no need to match rudeness with rudenss: "Hey, we were extremely disappointed that you couldn't make it to your party at our house that Sunday. I understand if your family sprang something on you and put on any pressure for you to attend another event, but maybe you weren't aware that our party was all folks who were coming to see you guys as the guests of honor. I'm sorry if you felt that wasn't made clear enough on our end but it was a major disappointment not to have you there. Next time you're in town, we'd like to work out a get-together where there will be no conflict for you, maybe at a time when there is not a big family event involved for you."

Unless they are utterly clueless they should read between those lines and see that you're reminding them this was THEIR party they missed; others were there for their sake; and they let people down. They should apologize, I think, but I wouldn't ask for it; if a statement like the one above doesn't bring an apology on its own I'd really question their social radar. I would probably give them one more chance as friends because, like I said, weddings get people doing weird things, but I would not plan a big party next time; I'd just go out to dinner with them and maybe a few other people if others want to come.

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answers from Washington DC on


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answers from Columbus on

I would say it was definitely rude!! I'm thinking if these friends knew there was a chance (and it sounds like there was a VERY good chance) they would be too hung over, then they should never have accepted the invitation.

Chalk it up to a hard lesson learned!!

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answers from Raleigh on

Next time, invite them over, and leave when they are due to arrive so that they arrive to an empty dark house. Don't get mad, get even. (Ok childish I know, but still...). lol

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answers from Oklahoma City on

I think that I would have been just mad enough to take a ton of pictures and make them look like we had the best party ever!!!

Then I'd post them on FB and talk all about how fun the get together was that you planned for XX and XX. And how sad it was they were too hungover to attend...I'd make a big deal out of the fun they missed and then how they couldn't even make it to their party they'd planned.

They'd be mad for sure but heck, they are the ones at fault here, not you.

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answers from Philadelphia on

Yes, I agree with you. Downright rude to bail on a party/get-together thrown in your honor. Some people just have no clue...

Glad you had a fun time with your friends anyway!

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