Creative Omission

I think creative omission is a synonym for bull$h1t.

You're correct in thinking that it is the same thing as lying. While I don't think he has to say on the very first IM "Hi my name is Chuck and I'm married with children", but when asked he should be truthful and proud of his family.

I would tell my husband to "grow up" and to get off-line for a look at the real world. Fantasy is just that. Fantasy!!! And shame on him for that incredibly boorish excuse. You sound like an extremely understanding wife. I am not so kind because I have real-life experience with that very issue.
My best friend of 8 years met some guy on an online fantasy game, did the creative omitting part at first, and then left her husband and 4 kids to go across the country and live with this guy. It was only supposed to be a game, but the e-mails escalated the "affair". She has not spoken with me since because I did not "support her decision" to leave with this guy. My theory is that is easier to prevent something from happening than to deal with it when it happens. Good luck to you B. and I will certainly pray for you and your family.

Creative omission is lying. I don't really get what these games are that he's playing but I'd be very aware of what he's doing/saying online. You also need to decide what is acceptable to you about online behavior. Is it ok that he makes relationships online with other people? How about with women? Make it clear to him what you think is acceptable what it crossing the line because online chat rooms and such can cross that line very quickly. First a man and woman are enjoying an innocent online game and then they begin creating a relationship online and next thing you know they're in private chat rooms having "cyber-sex" and maybe planning to meet for the real thing. I know it sounds out there but trust me it can get that bad and out of control that quickly. It's something I've dealt with early on in my relationship with my husband and it wasn't acceptable to me and he now knows that. Also, because of these issues, he does not have his own password to any account. Granted he's not on the computer much these days, his work is blue collar,but any accounts he has, including email, I have access to and likewise for him. Things can get quickly out of control online. Be aware and be clear on what is acceptable to you.

B.,

I imagine you're going to get a ton of posts and different views on this topic. What it boils down to is what YOU are comfortable with. If it bothers you, then it's an issue and you have every right to be upset about it.

I can only give my feelings on the topic:

- I'm a member on several on-line communities and in all of my profiles, I state that I am married and have 2 kids. I don't care if that's how people know me because that's part of who I am.

- If I happened to find out that my husband was specifically hiding the fact that he was married, I'd be hurt and wonder why. If he told me that he didn't want to be known as a husband or a dad, I'd be even more bothered.

That's just my opinion, but I consider myself pretty conservative when it comes to things like that. I'm curious to read the other responses.

I still think if it bothers you then you and your husband need to come to some sort of agreement as to what is and isn't acceptable. Ask him how HE would feel if you were doing the same thing. Ask him how he would feel if you were out with the girls and chose to leave your wedding rings off - because you didn't want to be known as a wife while you were out with the girls. ;)

Good luck,

T.

Having done a lot of on- and off-line gaming myself, I see where your husband is coming from. BUT if his behavior is making you uncomfortable it doesn't matter what he thinks - you need to tell him it makes you uncomfortable and that he needs to stop. It's up to you to explain to him that it's not OK with you, and it's up to him to find a way to participate in his games without hurting your feelings.

For example, maybe it's ok for him to not talk about anything personal online (that way he's omitting *everything*)? Or maybe it's ok for him to chat within the context of the game but not email or instant messages outside the game. You should both come to an agreement about what the limits are.

Wow, what a lot of each side of the fence. I have to sit both sides on this one, myself. I've been known to play similar online games and honestly the characterization can be fun. I haven't before heard of a term given for leaving out personal info while playing, but... okay. *shrug*

On the one hand, I totally get the "individual" thing. I know that most of the "guys" online don't have a thing to say to me if I mention up front that I'm a happily married mom with two kids. However, after a while, the ones that talk to me more will learn who the person behind the character is, and I offer that information up pretty quickly so there's no misunderstanding that something is headed in a direction anywhere other than just friendship.

If he's still in the beginnings of the game and wants to be known for his "character" online, that's one thing. Anyone he's giving his email out to, however, is likely someone he ought to fill in a few details for, to be sure there's no misconceptions, in my opinion. I've had fantasy "characters" get "married" to the characters of friends I've made online - however they've always known that it was all just a fun, fictional, game and nothing more - and fairly early into the game too.

The other factor that I get concerned with, however, is how much time these games can take away from real family at home. While I can walk away from the screen nowadays, these games can quickly suck away hours of time if you let them. I know my husband has trouble NOT playing these games once he gets started on them and so we only play when *I* say it's okay, after the kids have gone to bed. I don't want my kids seeing some of the violence portrayed on the screen at their current ages, and I want my husband to be engrossed in our kids, not some game on the computer. So we limit how often and when we play so that it can be a fun extra in our lives instead of virtual black hole for all our spare time.

I wouldn't be overly-worried about it, but I would sit down and talk to him about your concerns. While I know what it's like to want to seperate oneself from the day-to-day grind of things, at the same time he won't want to make things complicated by someone misconstruing anything. He may want to be forthright with those he builds closer friendships with, especially if it will help you feel more comfortable.

I agree (somewhat) with Jamie. In real life, you do not announce your marital status and number of children to every acquaintance you encounter. There comes a time though (e.g. if someone begins flirting or otherwise indicates that there is a miscommunication of some kind) that there is a need to clarify those things. Just as in real life, I'd be asking whether your husband's on-line interactions pass "the white glove test". In other words, would he do/say all the same things if you were sitting next to him at the computer, reading it all? If he is not willing to share all of his correspondence with you, I would say there has been a breach of trust. It sounds like, by confessing to you about the "omissions", he is seeking to somehow validate something he is doing and that would make me uncomfortable.

It all boils down to trust. Do you trust your husband 110% percent. I would hope you do and if so, then I wouldn't worry about it. Do you know that he is not marking appropriate boxes that he should be? Why you couldn't checkbox married/single, kids/no kids is a bit odd to me. What is the big deal - You can still be known as an individual with these boxes checked. If not, then do ALL people have not married/no kids checked? Probably not. It is ashame that these online games have these chat boxes. I have even gone to just play texas hold em' on yahoo and just wanting to play and people can text like crazy - especially late at night. Good luck.

I agree with you.

I think, though, that initially people say the thing about being an "individual" not thinking that it could end up in a situation like you state above.

WOW, WOULD I BE PISSED! This to me would NOT be okay! What the hell is the differance if it is online or in person. A lie is a lie, especially when it comes to lying about not being married when you are, or not having children! That is crazy. Though it might not be a physical affair, an online affair, or an emotional affair is just as bad. Why would he lie about not being married? There is a reason for that. Do you want him online prtending to be a single guy lookin to talk w/ single women? In my mind there is only one reason for that, to meet other people to start a real or "fantasy relationship". BULL****!I would be soooooo pissed!

I wouldn't really think about it that way, it's not like it's Match.com. My husband plays RPG's too, and I know many of the other players are young single guys or kids/teens who might treat him differently if they knew he wasn't "one of them". Being a married dad makes you kind of an authority figure to a 16 year old kid who wants to play online and say things he wouldn't say in front of his parents. I wouldn't worry about him taking it to another level, try to think rationally about this. He's just playing a computer game, if he really wanted to cheat on you he would find a way.

B.,

My husband and I both play online games -- in fact, that's how we met. And there are different ways of playing these games.

In many of them (including City of Heroes), sometimes people do get into the persona of their character. I don't go around announcing that I'm married and a mother, but if someone asks or if they seem to be flirting with me - I tell them right away to stop that behavior and explain that I'm not looking for anything else. I know that my husband would do the same.

Many of our friends also play these types of games -- as couples. In fact, all of our friends usually select one game that we all play "together". Have you given any thought about trying it out too?

Online games can be a lot of fun, especially if you play it with a loved one. I'm sure your husband will be thrilled to have you join him and you won't have to be as worried about his activities.

I play MMORPGs as does my husband. I would agree with you. I have never misrepresented myself online. After all, it doesn't really matter what you do in RL, that is not what you are doing in the game.

There aren't alot of women that play MMORPGs (comparitively) but there are more than you think. I have a online friend who is female and plays the very game your hubby plays. These relationships can get fairly serious...pretty good friendships can develop and I even felt myself pulled towards another player once and some inappropriate things did happen. I don't think that he HAS to tell everything he does, but I think he should be honest with his online friends about who he is in RL. All different kinds of people play these games. No one is going to judge him for who he is.

Wow, look at the responces here. Just wanted to give my $.02.

I am a RolePlayer, and belong to many online gaming sites. If someone were to look up my Profile (on those sites) they would find NO information about ME, but about the character I portray while there. I try to keep my Fantasy life and my personal life VERY seperate. Now I will admit that some of the people I have met through these sites have become good friends and NOW know of my RL..but that took years of talking and just generally getting the feel for them.

I can't explaine why I felt the need to keep them seperate, but I did. The Fantasy gaming is part of me that most "normal" people just don't get. They don't or can't understand that side of me. So to keep it easy on everyone involved, while I'm on those sites.."C." is gone and "Bette" takes over. I'm not there to start an affair, or do anything that my Hubby would not approve of, I'm there to relax and let Reality slip away for a few hours.

I do however see how this can be worry some for you. If the roles were reversed, I would just ask him Why... Why does he not want them to know he is married? why does he not want them to know he's a Dad? If he can not answer these questions... then there is something more going on.

When I started playing on-line (I played RPG's for years, but face to face games with friends) I sat my Hubby down and told him that I would NOT inclued any personal information in my profiles. This helps protect me and my family. He does know that there are a few (2 people after 5 years) that know ME, and 1 even calls on occasion. He is fine with this as I have reasonably explained this to him.

Good luck, and try not to worry to much.

sounds fishy to me. trust your gut.

I would get to the bottom of it. He should be proud to be a husband and a Dad. That he is hiding it tells me that something else is going on- either in the marriage, with the children or dealing with getting older. Either way, I wouldn't let this drop nor would I get too upset by what he did. I would just work on getting to the why.

Fantasy games are dangerous. My husband loves to play video games so I know what having a husband who is into that stuff is like. Role playing games and games with strangers are dangerous. As you said, it's living in a fantasy world. People get hurt when this happens. Be careful. Your marriage and safety is too important to turn a blind eye to this.

Good luck. Write if you want to talk further.
N.

Ok a few things here.

1- I love playing games on-line and on the computer, my husband knows it and doesn't like it. It bothers me that this is one of the few things I truly enjoy and he doesn't like me to do it. It isn't like this is a new behavior- I have played for years before we were married as well. I never creatively obmit who I am to people though. For me it is like scrapbooking or watching sports- it is something I enjoy.

2- I also know that if I wanted to cheat on my husband that it wouldn't matter if I had a ring on my finger or not. There is always someone out there that would hit on a married person. And this goes both ways for both sexes.

I am not defending his actions, I am just saying communicate to him how you feel and keep your guard up. I would be so mad if he denied having the life that he so much enjoys.

Yeah, I too would not go for that. And the wanting to be known as an "individual" and not as a husband or dad is a little sketchy to me considering EVERY individual is something to somebody and that's all part of what makes them an individual - husband, dad, son, employee, etc...we play a lot of different roles with different people, but those combined is what MAKES us an individual. And wants to be known as an individual by WHOM...people he doesn't really know or care about, so why desire to be known so badly by these "fantasy world" people. I too would have concerns about that. I completely agree that "creative omission" is a rationalized way of saying lying if trying to lead somebody to believe something that is not true...and it's really more lying to themselves than the others since they are trying to "live" somebody they are not in this fantasy world. I don't think you are being too conservative or jealous...I think you are concerned because he's dangerously flirting with these ideas of not having responsibility. Just some thoughts.

Why isn't your husband telling everyone how proud he is to be a husband and dad? I'm an individual, but I'm also a mom. I am both at the same time. And I don't even try to extract that. Turn it around on your husband. Ask him how he would feel if the tables turned and you were online playing these games and chatting, but omitting (lying about) the fact that you're married and have kids. And that sometimes these messages turn into emails. To me, an omission is the same as a lie, because you omit so the outcome's different than if you told the truth. So if he's chatting with a woman while playing these games and told her he was married, she would either possibly stop talking to him or keep her comments light and innocent. But by omitting that fact, there's a possibility that she'll begin flirting online with him. I don't care about online rules. What would matter to me is how much his behavior hurts. And I've been in a similar situation, but my daughter's father actively flirted with other girls in front of me (not necessarily while I was standing there, but I caught him quite a few times when I was walking by). And it hurts regardless of if it's done with a person standing right there or if it's done online. We were in college when I got pregnant, and one time a girl came to his dorm. I couldn't stand her to begin with because I knew she was always flirting with him. And I had my suspicions about them. I was laying on his bed talking to him while he was sitting in a chair playing Play Station or whatever. When she opened the door, she couldn't see me. She came right in and gave him a hug. He shot me a look like, "Uh-oh!" Then she saw me and hurried out. I should have dumped him a long time ago, but couldn't work up the nerve. I know he cheated on me quite a few times. But just follow your gut like I should have. If it doesn't seem right, then it isn't. And he either needs to start being honest and even forgoing the emailing or quit playing the online games period.

He is an "Individual" that is married. There is no reason to omit that!

I have a friend that got wrapped up into all that online stuff and ended up cheating on her husband. Her husband thought it was funny at first all the people emailing her. She didn't hide it from him. Eventually, these things can get out of hand.

If you are married there is no reason to omit that. It is part of who you are and an individual. Its not like he has to tell everyone he is married right off the bat. But, intentionally omitting it is shady!