Clueless?? Please Help.....

Call the department of children and family services ( Called DCFS in Illinois) and have them help you. Anyone who leaves their baby for 10 days at a time does not deserve a baby. It is as simple as that actually. They are not good parents and should not be raising this child. This is probably the worst case scenario of parenthood I have ever heard of. 20-25 days a month this child is with you? REPORT HER NOW. The time for being nice has passed. Put the childs best interest at the forefront.

My family has gone through a VERY similar situation. A little boy that I started babysitting when he was about 2yo gradually ended up living with my parents by the time he was 3. His mom then visited him a couple of times a year, less and less frequently as time went on. When he reached school age, my parents asked her for legal guardianship so they could enroll him in the private school they sent us to. She signed it over. Within a year or two she signed over full custody to my parents. She moved across the country then and I don't know how long it's been since she's seen him, or even talked to him on the phone. She used to get very touchy about people recognizing that she was his mom though, even though she didn't do sh!t for him. He's now 13yo and I call him my brother. He's actually spending a month with us this summer for an extended visit since he's as close as a brother to my oldest son (8yo).

I just wanted to offer you this perspective. I don't think that calling CPS is going to be productive in your situation. You want to make the mom feel comfortable with leaving the baby with you since the baby is obviously better off with you. If you try to force her hand by calling CPS and all of that I don't think things are going to work out the way you want. CPS is probably going to take the baby away from the entire family for at least a little while. Then she's going to feel like her position as the baby's mom is being threatened, so she's probably going to try to fight to get the baby back. Even if CPS leaves the baby with you, you're then going to have an ongoing fight on your hands for the baby. I don't think either of these scenarios is going to be good for that baby.

My advice is to swallow your pride (and your disgust with the mother) and just really be "there for her". The more you can make her feel like you're interested in helping her, the more she's going to leave the baby with you. The more she leaves the baby with you, the more natural it's going to feel to her that the baby is with you. Eventually she won't be picking the baby up but will just come over to visit. At that point, you should ask her for either a medical power of attorney for the baby or legal guardianship. Let her know that you know how overwhelming it is for her and that you just want to help "lighten her load" by taking over the doctor's appointments for her, but to do that, you'll need some documents authorizing you to because of HIPPA laws etc.. Once she's signed over one layer of rights, it's easier to get the next and the next after that. Eventually you'll probably end up with full custody or having her sign over her rights so you can adopt. One good piece of advice though is to document everything. Keep a daily journal of what goes on with the baby, all of the things you do for her and keep track of when her mom has her and the things that you know of that the mom does for her or neglects to do for her. This will be invaluable if you ever do have to fight in court for the baby. (I know here in Virginia any interested party can file for custody, it doesn't have to be a parent).

I wouldn't press the issue right now though. Babies are actually physically designed by God and nature to attract adults and to evoke a feeling of love and desire to comfort. It's a defense mechanism for the species. It sounds like a strange reason, but personally I wouldn't discount it. Give the mom a chance to see her child as a toddler. Give her a chance to get tired of dressing her baby up in the latest fads like a live babydoll. Give her a chance to get tired of the baby. Once you do, it'll be a lot easier to convince her that she doesn't need this "hassle" in her life and that it's all HER idea too.

I truly think this is going to be the best course for the baby. Getting CPS involved is NOT going to provide that child with a stable home. The state always focuses on getting children back with their parents if at all possible. That's NOT what you want in this situation.

I hope everything works out for you and God bless you for taking in a child in need of a good home!

You post touches me on so many levels and I might give some unexpected advice...

I speak from a personal experience here, since my younger sister had a child at 16. It is TOUGH for such a young girl and YES, she was neither mature enough nor did she have the resources to be a really good mother at that time. Her daughter would also spend considerable time with family members like yourself, but NO ONE ever thought that removing her daughter from her would be best for her or the child. My sister went through some tough times and at times even lost custody of her oldest children so she could battle mental health issues. And again, everyone was supportive, no one tried to take the kids from her. Through family support my sister made it. She put her life back together, overcame depression, was returned custody of her daughters and went on to a second marriage, having more children, taking in a step daughter and living a wonderful life in a blended family. She is the poster child for what can happen if a family REALLY comes together to support a teen mom.

I commend you for the help you have been trying to give, but it saddens me that your motives do not seem all that selfless at this point. I think you need to take a step back and examine your feelings, your actions and what you really believe is best for this child.
Frankly it does not sound like you are making much of an effort of supporting this girl's relationship with her mother. I don't want to bash you, it is understandable. You have taken care of her since she was pretty much a newborn and you LOVE her. That makes her a very blessed little person.

Maybe the mother does not want to be a mother and really, adoption would work out great.
But since you are worried about her reaction, I assume that she has indicated that she does not want to give up the baby.
As hard as it is, is there any way how you can improve the baby's relationship with her real mother? Can you ask that she picks her up every night (from what it sounds like she doesn't?). Can she spend time with her child at your home. Can you teach her how to interact with her daughter in a loving way? Can you show her how to bond with her child? Can you direct her to parenting classes or financially support her by paying for the registration fee for a program that promotes parenting skills and bonding?

You might be able to make so much more of an impact in these two girl's life, than just taking over and adopting the infant. And if you love this baby so much, would you not want her to have that bond with her mother?

Whatever you decide, I wish you and everyone involved good luck!

PS I would also caution you from going through CPS, if they do decide to place the girl in foster care, there is NO guarantee that she will go to you or other relatives.

I'm thinking you best bet would be to simply give the baby a safe resting place while her mom gets herself together.

I say that because teens aren't the most stable people and they do young stupid unthoughtout things and if you approach the adoption/custody thing again, she'll withdraw.

I think what I would do in your situation is get a medical power of atty over the child. So that you can at the very least make her medial decisions when the child is in your care. That's a stepping point for maybe someday getting custody of her if that's the best for the child.

Then I'd love her the best way you can. Know that you are doing "right" by the child and that your heart is in the right place.

You will be hard pressed to get custody from a teen mother in any copacity if she isn't deemed "unfit". So until or unless she is in agreement, you'll have a hard battle to win.

I vote talking to her about keeping her for a "while" until she can get on her feet. That you are willing to take care of her and give her a home, etc until she can take care of the baby herself. Then ask in an unintimidating way to get some kind of agreement that will allow you to take care of her when she can't. For medical/school purposes (day care and the like later on). Then just play it by ear and go with your gut.

Children are very resilient. They forgive easily. And you will have to prepare yourself, no matter how attached you get to her, that the teen may come to you and want the child back. Until then tho, provide the child with the best most loving home you can...to at the very least, give her a good start.

Sending good thoughts your way...

I am currently in this same situtation with my niece and great nephew, so I understand what your going thru. I would suggest that you talk to the mother and ask her about her actions in a loving way of course cause you dont want to offend her and risk her not allowing you to see the child anymore. She may not be ready for motherhood. Sadly it happens. She must feel that the child will be safe and well takin care of at your home or she wouldnt leave the child there. I would ask for guardianship and make some guildelines so that she can come up with a plan of getting her priorties together cause its apparently something wrong thats causing her to leave her child for such a long period of time. I believe that you and your family want to take care of this child and provide he/she with love and stability and she may see that also and just doesnt want to ask in fear of you judging her or her feeling guilty. JUST DONT INVOLVE CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES CAUSE IT COULD GET UGLY.

It's awesome that you are willing and able to take care of this child. At the same time, I know that taking care of someone else's child can be a blessing also. Her mother is very young, so perhaps God has given you this blessing of being a stable caregiver for this baby for this time in her life when her natural mother cannot. I don't think I would ask this young mother to give up her baby but instead allow her the time to mature; perhaps she will make that decision on her own later on. Hang in there and enjoy your time with this child. God bless!

a very similar situation happened to one of my friends. you definately want to handle this very carefully. if you decide to ask the parents for custody/adoption first let them know you are asking this as a loving friend/family member and you only want to help. you are not looking to step on toes or to hurt anyones feelings. let the parents know you would llike to see some stability in the child's life and would like to help provide that. whether you help the mom out by giving her more time with the child or by you becoming the child's guardian. at such a young age the childs personality and the largest part of his brain is developing and they need stability. hopefully the parents see where you and your family is coming from. it's a sticky situation... sorry you are going through this :/

You don't want to alienate the mother/girl causing her to pull back. But, you love the baby and want to have her without offending the mother, too, right? I would sit down with the mother and discuss it with her. Tell her how happy you are to spend time with the child and that you love that she trusts you enough to care for her. Tell her you understand how it must be stressful raising a child at such a young age. Tell her that if she wanted you to, you would be willing to have custody of her if she thinks it would help her out. Tell her how important it is to you that she is raised in a stable environment, and the she's getting bigger and soon it will become an issue with school etc, establishing routines. Make sure she knows how much she is included with the kid on how much you love them. Remember without a teen mom there wouldn't be a child here for you to love so you have to be grateful for all involved.
I worked in welfare office, you only needed to be legal guardian to have custody. People would apply for benefits for the child, because it can be a hardship trying to get medical insurance for a child. I would call your local welfare office and ask some questions. They can also refer you to a free legal aid who can answer more questions regarding the laws and processes involved with guardianship. I would assume that a 16 year old would have Medicaid for the child anyway, so you would have to put your name on that case, too. Don't bother asking if the child has a case already. They legally can't tell you if a child has a case unless you are on the case, so you have to apply on their behalf.

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Why would she be confused if this is all she knows? There's quite a lot of time that will pass before she needs to be in a stable place to go to public school. The mother is still growing up herself and for whatever the reason she's been trusting you to help. You have been doing it, so you have been willing. You haven't said how long this has been going on either.

I believe you need to check your motives. I am not saying your motives are wrong. I am only saying take quite a bit of time to reflect and decide how you got here and why you are suggesting a change. There is some reason she is trusting you to help and at some point you must have inserted yourself into the situation. She was struggling, asked you to help a few days or maybe you offered the first time? You seem to enjoy the child. But I can't help but wonder if you don't also enjoy the attention you get and the way it makes you feel superior to this girl. You say she is a relative, sort of. What does that even mean?

You haven't told us much of anything of importance and you ramble on and on without real sentence structure or punctuation usually. It may not make sense for me to be "picking" on such a thing. But to even suggest that you should adopt her child is HUGE. Social Services doesn't place children or sanction adoptions without going through proper channels and you would need to express yourself well and be able to go through all the work needed for an adoption to go through. They would need to see you as capable, educated, and stable yourself.

You have said absolutely nothing about the life the mother is leading. You don't say if she has a job or if the boyfriend has a job. You don't say who the grandparents are to you and if they are working full-time too. Are they just using you instead of daycare?

I don't know your real motives. Maybe if you take the time to put a little more effort into explaining the situation people would actually know better what to suggest.

I would look into Guardianship of the baby, which is not the same as custody. Guardianship allows you to make decisions about medicine, get her medical care, and enroll in school. But the parents retain custody of the child, you are not taking her away from them. You can approach the mom/grandparents from the fact that if she gets sick in your care, you need to be able to provide medical care. Then, I wouldn't take her back to the family unless they are asking for her, and if they come to get her. Three hundred miles round trip is a lot to ask of an aunt.
Be that stable force in this child's life, and when and if the momma is able to assume the role, then offer support when the time is right.
But get guardianship now before it's too late. Also, keep a journal of contact with the family that includes dates. you never know when you might need that info later.
R.

Yes, I would also call DCFS. This is technically abandonment on the mother's part. I would proceed to find out how to adopt and seek help on how to approach the family with the subject. If adoption is out of the question, perhaps you can ask about first becoming the legal gaurdian.. which isn't a bad idea anyways since the child is with you all the time. You would probably be the one to take her to the Dr. if she got injured/sick and you would need to have legal rights or a parental release form to do that. The department should be able to give you some help with this.
http://www.state.ar.us/dhs/chilnfam/index.htm

good luck. I just read this question, and it's very tough. You want to have the situation resolved before it comes to this:
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/6081543244641075201

I would speak to an attorney. You don't want to have them back lash and then get rid of the only stability this child has in her life being you. I am with the first persons comment (Alice) The time for being nice has passed and right now it is not about worrying if you hurt their feelings but about this child who needs and thrives off stability, protection, love and a proper home that you have been giving not them. FYI even proposing that the child stay with you for 6 months at your home or more would give you custody in court becuase you have established a stable envirment that no judge more times then not would rip a child from. I have seen it happen but you should really speak with an attorney. I know a real awesome one who got my brother custody of his daughter in Utah which is very, very rare there and terminated my daughters fathers parental rights. He also works with you money wise if needed. Let me know if you would like his number. I think you can also google him, he has done some high profile cases. His name is John Walsh and he is a very respected man. He is the only attorney I know who will NOT lie in any of his cases. He is located in Utah but travels outside for cases. No, he is not John Walsh from Americas most wanted.I think this baby deserves the best chance you can give it and that is by fighting for her. You would fight for your own children well being well now this child is as much as your own so protect. Good Luck and you will be blessed by giving your best and stability to one of Gods children.