Christmas Eve Stress

If it makes your parents completely uncomfortable to be around him, and the situation is his fault, then I would leave him home. I would make sure that he understands that until he grows up and acts like an adult and takes responsibilty for his actions, that he will be ommited from all family events involving your side of the family. He will do one of two things, come around, grow up and apologize, or he will be totally relieved that he doesn't have to be around your family and simply stay away. Either way, you need to make sure that these events are pleasent for you and your kids, and if him being there is just going to cause problems, then he needs to stay home until he can apologize and see where he is wrong.

Not knowing the incident that triggered this standoff, but going by your feeling that 95% of it was your husband's fault, it's time you sit down with your husband and ask him to apologize, for the health of your family's relationship going forward. He MUST be the bigger person and put an end to this drama -- especially during this season of love and charity.

Sorry to say this but your husband sounds like a jerk. And a baby. So if he can't take ownership of his actions and realize how they have hurt your parents and more importantly YOU and apologize to your parents...then I would leave him at home on Christmas Eve and take the kids to your parents.

Or............just stay home...Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Christmas night. If I were you I would not darken the doorway of his parents home and nor would I allow my children to if he cannot make restitution with your parents. He needs to learn that it is not all about him.

I think if everyone can't (or won't) get over it, then you should suggest to your husband that he might be more comfortable if he doesn't go. let him know it's completely up to him and you'd very much like him to go IF he can suck it up and be courteous, but if he would feel better not going, you are okay with that too. he may be wondering how to tell you that he'd rather not go. Christmas is so special, especially when children are involved and I think you owe it to your children to make this a happy xmas for them and if that means hubby stays home on xmas eve, then so be it.

I think all you can do is talk to your husband or your parents. But, ultimately, if things work out in a way that he doesn't go and you go without him, you need to just let it go. Try to celebrate the best you can with the situation your in, if for anything your child(ren).

Good luck!

This is a horrible situation to be in. Four months is a long time to have people you love at odds with each other.
I would talk to your husband and tell him that it doesn't really matter who is "right" and who is "wrong" in this case, that a simple apology is in order so that you and the kids don't have to feel torn apart at the holidays. Talk to your mom and ask her that if he apologizes, will she please be willing to put things aside and let things go for the sake of everyone being able to be together for Christmas eve. All you can do is plead with both of them to set their differences aside.
It seems to me that if your husband doesn't think it's any big deal and your mom was just overreacting, that he would be willing to be the bigger person and offer an olive branch for your sake.
I hope he'll do it sooner than later so that their very first encounter won't be the actual event which could be uncomfortable for everyone.
Of course there is always the option of just you and the kids going. I just wouldn't let his stubborness ruin things for everyone.
Just my opinion...and I hope it works out for you.

don't you hate being stuck in the middle?!!!

Life would be so much easier if all involved would learn to be kind, considerate, & - to some extent- tolerant of each other. That said, & boy am I dreamin' or what??........it's usually up to the morally-responsible family members to "fix" things. The only thing I can suggest is to gather your husband & parents, make them sit down together, & let them duke it out. If you don't do this, then the hostile feelings will just fester & will affect all family gatherings. Do you want your life to continue like this?

& what really jumps out at me is......what the heck did your husband do to disrupt the family so horrifically? & what are the odds it's going to happen again? Just a few things to think about! & if this is the case, then maybe it's time for just you & the kids to get a hotel room & enjoy the amenities without the family drama! Peace!

My only advice is not to attack your husband. Sure, it may have been 95% his fault, but remember that men are usually just big babies and if you come at them ("you were wrong, you need to apologize") they will fiight back first, listen second. It was good advice to say it doesn't matter who is right or wrong, but ask if he can do this for you and your family, and for your children's holiday memories. Good luck.

I have been living a very similar circumstance for years. My husband does not participate in family functions because of one incident. I learned long ago that although it may feel wrong at first, it will actually be less stress for you and your kids to not have the negative energy following you that night.

Create a new family tradition. One that doesn't involve him being at your parents home. We decided when my son was 2yo that there'd be no more traveling to inlaws for Christmas, instead our family would enjoy it together at home. After Christmas, or before, fine, but not FOR Christmas. (Of course, our families aren't in town, they involve travel in order to be together, and I wish we were all closer but are glad to not have the drama and obligations and hurt feelings that could go along with it)

Why did your husband do what he did? Do your parents make him feel uncomfortable for whatever reason? Is he trying to 'buy a ticket out' of being around your family? If so, leave him at home. It may be his fault, but your parents are still the older more mature people and can ignore the incident for your family's sake to have peace.
I don't think that it helps him that you blame him for most of it, he needs to feel he has his wife's support, but at the same time, it is good you are able to look objectively at the situation and acknowledge where the fault lies. Just try to be supportive while you do it. He does not need to be ganged up on and berated by everyone, including all the strangers on this site.

Wow!!! I just feel aweful for you stuck in the middle of all this emotion. If you have children look at what they are learning and perhaps you may be able to reason with the adults on the behalf of the children.

Try talking with your husband. Talk to him about what he thinks your children are learning from his behavior and their grandmother's behavior. This no speaking has been allowed to go on unchecked for months which is very bad.

I just wish the adults would think about the children. Your children are learning a lesson in unforgiveness from both your husband and their grandmother. One day your children will be grown and in relationships of their own. This same situation could happen to you and your husband at the hands of your own children.

Try for the sake of the children to talk it out and work it out but hubby may need to apologize. It won't make him less of a man to do it and it's not kissing up either but teaching the children how to handle adversity.

The ideal will be for him to apologize. Remind him that he was in error and he can at least make a simple apology and have everyone move forward to get things back on track again. Or talk to your mom, tell her that you realize he was a jerk and you agree with her, but you can't force him to be understanding, so if they would accept him and everyone still be cordial and try and forget the stupid the that happened. (unless he did something major, she should be abe to let it go to where she can at least be cordial).

If those dont' work or you don't want to bring it up. o without him, bring it up to your mom that you and the kids will be there without him. He needs to man up or deal with the consequences, but your family and children shouldn't have to suffer fun time at Grandma's on Christmas b/c of his behavior. I'm all for backing the husband, but not when they are being childish and insensitive. He can survive without you all for a few hours. You have the whole rest of the day to be with him and his family.

If your husband is at fault, tell him to grow up and take responsibility. Even if he doesn't think it is a big deal, let him know that a simple apology will help the holidays and make everything right. Then tell him to be civil and have your holiday.