Christmas Drama with In-laws

Hi! I do not know if I can offer advice. My in-laws are just as bad. They live in their small 5 minute world and anyone who does not live by them does not see them. My hubby and I go visit them more often than they do us. Our son does not really know them because he sees them infrequently. My hubby's sis seems resign to it but his mom says it is not right that he does not know me but even when our baby is around she says hi and does not interact with him. She finally said her main reason for not coming to our home is because we do not live in a direct exit they have to come to Paterson to come to our town, Prospect Park, NJ. I have no problem where we live we also live right by Hawthorne, NJ. My hubby seems to think she'll drive up here but she does not drive on any highways. We even will be giving his sis and hubby alternate directions. I really do not think that will change the amount of times they come up here. I told my hubby once they get those directions and do not come here very often we have done everything we can. We will definitely go down for any of his sis's twins events since we do not mess up the kids in drama. They also have to come here for any of our sons's events here. I though it would be better but my hubby lets his family get to him and I never get messed up in the drama and they know not to mess with me because they know I am capable of telling them off but I have not. Our son will see his dad's side of the family but if he is not that close to them they have themselves to blame. Christmas is done in or around or town since my family lives here too. They're family has a holiday party in January. We will be there and the grandma will again say hi to our child and ignore him the rest of time and blame us for it. Everyone thinks she is crazy and she is rather lonely person and that is what she has done to herself.

Just because you are related to someone does not mean you must be subject to their negativity, infighting, and misery.

Your son is at an age where he should be starting his own holiday traditions and rituals with his family. Your m-i-l will have to either put her big-girl panties on, come to your house (if invited), and behave for the holidays, or she will stay home and sulk and you will have a wonderful and special holiday with your husband and son.

Don't give in to the drama. Don't subject your family to that. You are not participating in any family disharmony by doing what you, as parents, think is best for your son.

Good luck.

Dear B., I know every family has some drama but this is a bit crazy. Since it is His mother you should go along with his wish. I agree that you do not want disharmony, especially at Christmas which is based on the greatest love the world has ever known but you also should not feed into such craziness. Try it just this year. Maybe someone will break the ice and call for a discussion, unless you think you could suggest this and not carry on a feud. Grandma Mary

I have had similar problems with family... bad behaviour and all. It's a "stuck between a rock and a hard place" type situation. Here is how I see things and I know it sounds a little stand-by-your-man attitude, but think of it as respecting his decision regarding interactions that are closer to him than you. Look at it this way, if the roles were reversed, and your family was "difficult" what would be your view on the issue? More importantly wouldn't you wish for your husband to follow your lead with dealing with your family? Voice your concerns, offer input, you also have a voice here and in the end if he decides that he does not want to subject his son to the situations that occur in his family then try to respect his decision, RIGHT OR WRONG... just make sure he understands that you are following HIS lead on this, it really is his decision, he will always have a closer more involved relationship to his family than you will.

Maybe also ask your son if it's an environment that he enjoys being in... Maybe he likes spending time with grandma, but a DIFFERENT time is just as enjoyable or even more so.

The more important relationship is the ones between your husband and son and you. Just keep the door open to extended family, and enjoy them when they want to walk through.

I would respect your husbands wishes on this one. It is his family afterall. You have given your side of the argument to him and offered suggestions to which he didn't like. It would be a shame for your son not to see his grandparents on Christmas but by always caving to his mother's wishes becasue of her refusal to go anywhere (I gather she does not have any medical conditions that forbid travel) you set your self up for a drama filled Christmas.

This year start your own traditions. If mom in law does not want to join in at your place, that is her decision. There is nothing preventing you from visiting the day after Christmas when all the drama is gone.