Bullying in Pre-k??

They used their words and told her repeatedly they did not want to play with her. They told an adult she was not listening to them when they used their words and the adult told your daughter to stop.

But she didn't listen to the kids or the other mom telling her to stop, she kept following them and you did not tell her to listen to their words. They finally had enough and pushed her down. Not a great choice but certainly not bullying, maybe overreacting a lot.

I understand our kids want to be part of the group and play with everyone but perhaps these kids did everything they could and she didn't listen. Perhaps you can redirect her next time she is trying to make kids play with her when they don't want to. I know it stinks but it seems like they just wanted to play together.

This is NOT bullying. Your daughter is NOT bullying the other kids by not listening to them, although it would count as bullying in a year or two if she won't stop doing things the other kids are asking her to stop. This is little kids learning about boundaries. This is HOW they learn.

As in the other kids are trying to tell your daughter to stop, and she's not stopping, and needs to learn to. You just need to work with her on that.

I usually phrase it (at ages 2-5ish) as "Learning to be a good friend". Which makes it into a positive learning experience. A good friend stops when asked to stop. When you ask a question (like "Can I play?") being told "No" is an appropriate answer. Then you work with her on what to do afterward. Like say "Okay! Maybe later!" or "Okay! I'm going to be playing tag if you want to play!"

It's not a slight on her, it's just learning to respect other people. She pushed the other kids too far, and they pushed back. They'll be learning the same kinds of things in a different vent (What to do when you say no, but the person keeps doing it anyway after you've used your words, and told an adult.).

Talk to her about what happened. The kids told her they didn't want to play with her but she didn't listen. Remind her that if someone says they don't want to play with you, well yes, that's not very nice, but she should move on to some other kids. Because she continued to annoy them they reacted (very inappropriately but common at this age) by physically attacking her.
The fact that your daughter stood there and did nothing is upsetting. She needs to know how to use her voice, say NO, STOP as loud as she can, and walk away, or run if necessary. Instead it sounds like she just stood there helplessly waiting to be rescued. Role play with her so she knows what to do if something like this happens again. You can talk to the teachers and other mothers if you want to but I think you should focus on using this opportunity to teach your daughter some very important social/life skills.

As the mom of an "outgoing and friendly" child, sometimes they are overwhelming to other kids who AREN'T that way, and at 4, they lack the social and communication skills to nicely say it. Other kids may be bratty, but our kids might be annoying. It's a balance.

We can't make our kids play with each other if they don't want to. That doesn't work. If they didn't want to play with her and she kept following them around, she was bothering them. Were there other kids to play with? Does she play well on her own?

I would definitely talk to the teacher about the situation. It's not bullying, it's obnoxious social behaviour. But the kids need to learn to NOT be obnoxious socially. Though it happened after school, perhaps the teacher can make it part of the social skills education kiddos get at preschool. But it's more about boundaries. Playing respectfully and respecting other people's boundaries. Your daughter didn't listen to them, they were physical when they got annoyed.

And go ahead, be a mama bear - if your kid is being pushed around, you have every right to tell the children not to push, hit, etc., to play gently. BUT, you can't make other kids play with your child.

Ok they told her they didn't want to play, then your daughter continued to push herself on them, they asked mom to intervene she did, then your daughter still persisted, they pushed her to attempt to get the point across because nothing else was working. Perhaps to help avoid these types of situations you should teach your daughter how to interact with others. Instead of just intruding on two individuals you ask if you can join in if they say no you dont continue to try and push yourself on them. I don't feel it needs to be brought up to the teacher this happened outside of school. I think you could find out who she likes to play with at school and arrange play dates so she can learn how to politely socialize outside of school.

Edited: I love when people decide to update their questions with more info after they get answers they don't like! It would have been helpful to have had all the details first then you wouldn't have had us giving you the answers we did!

My daughter is four...and she does not like other kids to get in her face or continue to follow her around once she has told then she does not want to play right now.

We have worked really h*** o* her telling other children, especially really outgoing children who want to hug on her or pester her into playing, that to please leave her alone. Verbal skills at four have been hard for her when her first instinct is to push them away from her. She will get super frustrated when they continue to follow her. She usually no longer hits or pushes...but she can scream in a rage.

I feel it is okay for a child to tell another child "I do not want to play right now". She just isn't always into group play, yet...or maybe that is the way she will always be...

Maybe you can work on teaching your daughter to walk away sooner if they say they don't want to play with her. Not everyone has to play with everyone else...and continuing to press the situation especially at four, it can and often will get physical.

Now the other mothers should have jumped in sooner with helping their children include her if it was a large group or several children. But not all children can and will play nice.

you were not being psycho, you were defending your child, the other kid should be down on their knees and thanking god that they didnt try that with MY child, i would have picked up the offending child by the nearest appendange, snarled at them, and dropped them in at the feet of their parents, after telling the parents to make certain that their kid keeps their shi#t encrusted hands off my child. and, yes i did tell one very shocked mother this very thing after her brat pushed my child FOR THE SECOND TIME. find another play group for your child, sounds like her classmates have decided she is an easy target, you better do something about it NOW, because if you dont, ( and its obvoius that the teacher isnt going to do anything to stop it, typical behavior for teachers, shameful but typical)
the other kids will get bored with just pushing you child, next will be shoving, then eventually they will graduate to beating your child senseless, while the good teacher looks the other way, and covers up for them, and all the while telling you nothing can be done.go to the superindentent, and demand that the teacher and the parents of these kids be held accountable, and dont take a NO for an answer, your child is depending on YOU.
K. h.

Hi Jennifermarie.
My son is 3. He has not experience bullying, but has experienced times when other kids don't want to open their circle. I have taught him that sometimes children will include him and sometimes not. It does not make him bad or less lovable...I do believe it is an important lesson.

now, as for the pushing, that is not nice, and you may want to mention it to the teacher and ask how they handle pushing. it is ok (maybe not nice, but ok) that the other kids don't want to include him once in a while. (he one day also mite be the one not to include....)...but the children should learn to say no without pushing. does that make sense?

i know it is hard when our child is left out. we want to cry for them. i am trying to be strong and teach him to be strong from within so that when life does these things, he can manage without taking it personally.

hope this helps.
jlly

Oh my heart breaks just reading this!!

I have always told my children that if someone is not nice or kind to "go find something else to do or someone else to play with" It is a good lesson to teach your child. On the other hand I ALWAYS make my children include another child in their play at a playground esp. if there is just one lone child out.

I also think you should have said something to the kids (in a very kind respectful way) about pushing her. You need to model the proper behavior re: how to stand up for herself. How else is she going to learn how to do it?

Re: the teacher from your post I gather that all of this happened off school property so I guess all you can really do is ask if she has seen similar behavior at school and if so how does she handle it? Best of luck.

Aaww, that made me a little sad too. My dd is also 4 and in pre-k and I've seen this happen a few times. To me, it's bullying. I know it's always been, but why does it have to be accepted? I'd talk to the teacher. Do your best not to play it up too much to your dd. It sounds like she isn't too bothered at this point. Sometimes we (I) project what I felt as a child onto my daughter and come to find out, she was fine. I don't know. Being a mommy, toughest job out there and we just want our kids to be healthy, safe and happy!

Argh! Playground politics! Sorry to hear this happened to your daughter.

I'll never forget when my son was 3 and wanted to play at the playground. It was a gray, chilly day and the only other kids there were two 6-year old boys on a playdate together. My son kept trying to tag along, no matter how hard I tried to redirect him. The two older kids started by calling him "baby" repeatedly and yelling at him not to follow them. THEN they called him up to the slide, blocked his way and started pushing and punching him. Meanwhile, the two dads were sitting on a nearby bench, chatting away obliviously. At that point I had to take my son out of the playground because I think he would have STILL tried to play with them, that's how socially clueless he was at that age. I told him and the two boys that we were leaving because they were not nice boys and played really mean. I doubt it made any impact on the boys, but it definitely did on my son.

Afterwards, we had a discussion in the car about how those boys played so mean, how my son shouldn't keep following or playing with kids when they said "no" or acted that way and how, if I EVER caught him acting that way towards another kid - particularly a younger one - he would be in HUGE trouble. Now, two years later, he is generally good about playing with kids of all ages and I've rarely seen mean behavior. If I do, I pull him up short - fast!

Now that he's older, if another kids acts mean towards him, I tell him he can either tell the other kid to "stop it" or stop playing with the kid and find someone else to play with. His choice. He's old enough now to deal with the consequences. I only ever intervene when I witness physical violence or if the other kid makes it clear he doesn't want to play.

It really bugs me when other parents don't correct their kids in these situations - like the two chatting dads on the bench or the mom who told your daughter to stop following the other kids. If I were in her shoes, I would have told my kid to play nice and include her. What a lost teaching opportunity. That said, I'm not the type to go up to another parent and tell them their kid is behaving poorly - very few parents like to hear from another that their child isn't being nice.

I would talk to the teachers and the parents! Okay, I had to write more once I saw a comment. Yes, I understand you can discuss with your child if they do not want to play with you, play with someone else. But, when the children are asking others to join in that is just plain WRONG. Also, no one should be pushing anyone. Keep your hands to YOURSELF. They are children and need to be taught to be kind to each other. I see it everyday with adults, being rude to one another. It's really sad. We need to make the difference and show our children it is better to be nicer to each other. They will live better and healthier lives for it.

You're not a psycho mother because you love your child and are worried about her and her feelings and how mean kids can be. I would say that seem wrong that those kids are doing that and I would have stepped in and said if you all are playing she can too. It's not right especially since they know each other, they should be respectful, and parents should help them be kind and accept all kids. I think you need to nip this in the butt fast so your daughter doesn't become the picked on kid all the time because the leaders who are doing this are making others do this to be cool so do something about it.

Yes, it starts in PREK with some kids. I would try to get the teacher to handle it. Nip it in the bud or it will escalate. I advise against dealing M. to M. because the kid who got in trouble will blame yours.
I tried to teach my daughter if kids don't want to play, find someone else. The more she pursued those who didn't want her to, the more she got rejected.

Personally, I would not do anything. I am sure if anything is going on at
school, you would know about it. Chances are at school they all play
well together. I would not go to the other mothers either. Kids, usually can
work out problems themselves, if you let them. It is hard to sit and watch
but that is what you need to do. The kids develop problem solving skills this
way. She will learn to speak up for herself, yes even at 4.

my daughter is in prek also and there are a couple boys in her class that she says are mean and i tell her to just not play with them. my daughter plays with about 6-10 kids in her class. try to get your daughter to play with other kids. i think sadly this is one thing she will kind of have to learn on her own.
my daughters teacher and aide referred to everyone in the class as friend. so if something happens thats not nice like they they correct them and tell them that this isnt how we treat our friends.
dont talk to the parents because they probably wont see what their child is doing as wrong. so its a lost cause.

Aw, I'm sorry you felt this way...I'm very familiar with it. I have to say that is the age when kids start being mean little boogers! My son would have encounters like that and it absolutely crumbles your heart :( But, she WILL learn (with your help) how to use her words and stick up for herself! I always taught my son to be nice, never hit, blah, blah...and he did just that. Well, more than half of other parents just let their kids work it out or are too busy yapping while the kids are running amok. People don't like to hear that especially the guilty ones. You're doing the right thing for getting involved and explaining to her that they weren't playing nice. Teach her to use her words and role play at home...let her be the bad kid while you show her how to react. If she lets them get away with it, she might be a target, it empowers those little monsters! This is also a touchy subject for me :) if you can't tell! Good luck Hun...

the thing is, despite the circumstances.... this is mean.
The other kids circled around her.
This is mean.
And they taunted her.
And they pushed her in the stomach.
And they only did this to her.
Repeatedly.
Sure they didn't want to play with her, but their REACTIONS to it, were mean.
It is just mean.
And NOT acceptable.
It is not just kids being kids. These kids were mean.

Tell the Teacher of your observations.
Although this happened after school....

Amazingly, the other parents of those other kids, did nothing????

Definitely talk to the teachers about it. Keep an open mind. It would be very useful to know what other interactions have gone on.

Does your child seek out strong sensory experiences? The reason I ask is that my son has Sensory Processing Disorder. As a result, he genuinely couldn't tell the difference between angry kids hitting him and friendly kids playing tag. This caused significant social problems. Other kids liked him, but he was hard to play with and other kids got tired of playing with him very quickly.

This may or may not be what's going on with your child. But it is likely that the situation is a lot more complex than "other kids are picking on my kid". Talk to the teacher for a (hopefully) unbiased opinion. If you do talk to the other parents, do so in a non-confrontational way. For example:

"I notice there's some social stress going on between our kids. What have you observed? What do you think is going on?"

Keep in mind that this isn't about whose kid is in the right. In all likelihood, all the kids are dealing with a social situation they don't have the skills to handle. If you figure out the problem, you can work together with the teacher and other parents to make sure all the kids get the support they need to socialize successfully.

Try to avoid getting defensive of your child or your parenting. Try to listen carefully to what the other parents are saying, even if they're using hostile words. My son is a sweet, loving, kind boy. He has also (accidentally) terrorized other children to the point they were in sobbing hysterics at the idea of being in the same room with him. Neither kid was bad or mean. All the adults assisted the kids and my son can now play happily for hours with the same kids who used to be terrified of him. He's learned some better skills and the other children have learned to communicate with him better. We have also learned that there are some games that he simply cannot play with certain kids.

Contact me privately if you want to discuss this further.

I would definately speak to her teacher in private. I would want to know if this is happening in school as well. The teacher would then be aware to watch for the situation. In my daughter's school, they talk about bullying almost everyday. They have school rules posted everywhere with stiff penalties for bullying. They are also taught to intervene if they see bullying. I know they are young, but it has made a big difference according to the principal. I have had some issues in the playground and have unfortunately found the parents to be lax when their kid is the bully. I have found that most parents of bullys think it's just a kid thing and do little or nothing about it. Also I would explain to your daughter exactly what is going on. My daughter is also friendly and outgoing , which sometimes makes her naive because she just wants to play with everyone. Best of luck to you and your daughter.