Bully's Parents Are Succeeding at Turning People Against Us

S.:

Oh my word. Really? Keep giving them fuel to their fire. I am truly sorry that this is happening - but really - the truth will come out and they will see who is right and who is wrong.

There are hypocrites everywhere. If you need to move, move. But stop talking about it. Really. The more you talk about it - the more it gives them to talk about. If people ask - I don't care who it is - tell them it's a private matter. If you talk - it's just like the game telephone - by the time that person tells someone else? It's VERY different from what you said. So STOP TALKING!!!

Good luck!

A friend of mine had similar issues with a school. Her kid recorded stuff going on without the bullies knowing and then she took it to not only the principle but to the parents. They all soon apologized. I would say fight fire with fire and then walk away......

Typically it is the Christian schools and those who quote Bible verses all the time who are the hypocrites. They feel holier than thou.

My daughter goes to a very good high school and the meanest, ugliest, and nastiest girls are those with Bible quotes posted all over their FB and Twitter accounts. It floors me that they are this way.

It was this type of behavior I witnessed as a child that turned me away from the church.

I am sorry your family is going through this but you have talked way too much. It is no one's business what is going on with your family and the other family. When asked about it, you should refraiin some elaboration and just say it is a private situation between your families, smile and move on.

Now, if I had concrete documentation that someone was out to destroy my character... I would have my lawyer prepare a document which would state that I am prepared to move forward to the courts with a defamation suit. I would NOT sue anyone, It would NOT involve money. I would simply set out to make sure my name was cleared

I do agree with what Angela said... I as a teacher and a parent do not mix my personal friendships with other teachers and parents. I keep my business my business and leave everyone else to their's. There's WAY too many busybodies trying to nose in everyone's business.

I've raised two sons who are 19 and almost 16. For years we were in a couple of different private schools. We've been homeschooling for quite awhile now.

We've had some good years and rough years, some highs and lows. Looking back, one of the things I would do differently is to ALWAYS play my cards close to the vest. I would ALWAYS be polite and cordial with school parents, but never get too close. And I wouldn't say much about my kids one way or the other. In other words never explain or complain.

It's tough with a bully situation. No, you shouldn't tolerate it whatsoever. But I wouldn't "tip" my hand to these people either. I would simply leave the school (not to run - just to make a better choice for my child) and stay positive. When you see them in the neighborhood - wave and move on.

With all that being said, you could handle everything "perfectly" (whatever that is) and still have a messy situation on your hands. Sometimes it just happens. That's where you need that strong, positive vibration and boundary for yourselves and your kids.

In our family we decided that we are going to be our own little oasis. We love having friendships and nice people in our lives, but we are always sufficient unto ourselves when we need to be. Nobody is calling the shots or setting the tone for us. If we don't like a situation we give it a good examination to see if something is there to learn and/or change, and if not we move on. That's how real life works. It's one of the reasons I'm not crazy about traditional school, which is more artificial in nature.

Good luck. Stop beating yourself up and stop trying to reason with the irrational. Get lots of positive energy around you and your family.

Basically, school is out on Friday. Move on. There will always be those who will believe them over you. Go to the new school and start over. You don't report to them. They don't run your life. You may loose a few "friends" in this process, but if they are that dismissive then they weren't really your friends in the first place. You can tell them you are leaving, but don't expect a turnaround. Sometimes the best thing is just to hold your head up and not get into a tit for tat with people that don't really want to listen.

Tell your friends simply that you made the choice that was right for your child and you are moving to a new school. You were not aware of their child's psychological concerns until the school told you (a concern in and of itself, IMO) and that did not play into anything you did or didn't do out of concern for your child. And that you no longer want to discuss it. It sounds to me like the cat is out of the bag re: their kid and they are playing into victim mode with their kid. Whatever. Move onward and upward. Sometimes less is more. If you don't keep poking the fire, then they will have nothing to talk about.

I would, however, encourage the family to keep off social media for a while. Let it all die down and do not give them the access to your family to bully them. If the bullying follows online, call the cops. You deserve not to be harassed.

And as for your DH, I would tell him if he doesn't "run from bullies" then what is his point? Does he "get" how much trauma this is causing? I don't get his attitude. Sometimes you just move on to fight another day.

Do not be quiet. Do not ignore the situation. Do not let the bullies win. When people talk about it, simply tell them bullying is wrong and you're not putting up with it, whether it's from this family's child or from the child's parents. End of story. Do not keep quiet, though. If you're asked, give them your perspective.

My parents gave it a huge fight with the school before moving our family. They took the bullying situation to the principal. They stood up for me. When it was clear it wasn't going to be resolved, they moved our entire family to another city nearby. It makes me tear up knowing what they did for me.

It sounds like your kids thankfully go to another school next year. That's going to make a world of difference for them. It did for me.

At this point, I'd give up on the current school and the people you know there, unless they're standing by your side. The rest sound like rotten human beings. I don't care what church they're affiliated with, their behavior toward you is wrong. If people can't respect the way you've handled things, they're not worth having in your life.

ETA: I'm the parent of a special needs child. That in NO way gives him the right to be a bully. When our son's behavior crossed the line in preschool due to his condition, we were getting him medical help. These parents sound like they're in denial.

Get through the year and move on.
Christian schools, like churches, are full of sinners.
LBC

Sometimes people feel like you are "betraying" their little group if you leave or make a fuss. In this situation it's the school.

I've also noticed that humans like to have a scapegoat, and that some of them ENJOY ganging up on another person or family. It makes them feel better. And some people are just "sheep" and will follow along with everyone else.

Hold your head high. If people question you, just make a brief statement like "I disagree with bullying and I'm moving my child because we feel it's best for her." Don't let them engage you, just state your opinion and leave it at that.

Once your child is at a different school, she will make new friends and you will meet new people as well. Think of it as a new adventure!

It sounds like the school is falling apart anyway. Eventually those kids will end up at the school you're at--and by then you'll already be comfortable in your new situation.

Good luck!

This is kind of hard to follow-I'd have to reread to get link between child's bully and your replacement at banquet..? At any rate, sounds like a really surreal and incestuous little community full of terrible people. Definitely step away from the school. After that hopefully you will be able to ignore the neighbors and make other friends....are your kids as upset as you are? If they want to finish play, they must be doing OK. Just let them finish and then get the heck out of there next year.

Try not to engage in all the nonsense. It's REALLY true that the more you try to defend your case and get people on your side, the worse it always looks. Just don't participate. Our kid's Tae Kwon Do teacher has a majorly psychotic ex wife. She comes to tournaments still due to their kids. His current fiance is ALWAYS nice and never engages in any of the drama this lady tries to start. The x will round up anyone and everyone and start gossip with her end goal always being to trash the teacher and his fiance. I wasn't close to anyone involved so for the first year all I heard was the exes rantings (and didn't like her). Now that I've learned whole story, it's obvious the fiance could have easily defended everything she was accused of and easily had everyone on her "side" but it was so much classier to just let the other woman spin out of control on her own drama. There are bad people in the world. Keep your head up and avoid them.

I would give hubby a choice. To move or to put the kids in an entirely different school system. This is just too much for any child to have to bear. I have a grandchild that is a serious behavior problem. He throws furniture, hits, kicks, punches, anything he can do to rage on and on. Most of the kids know to get away when he goes off. I imagine the other parents feel a lot like you do.

If these parents are truly calling their child handicapped and she has that diagnosis then there is really nothing you can do. There is no way a huge or any police officer is going to do anything to a legally handicapped child for acting like this.

It truly sounds like this girl need to be in an ETL program where she and her family can learn to manage her behaviors. ETL stands for Effective Teaching and Learning. It's very useful when working with people with developmental disabilities. One of the stories they use is a young man who would not comply with some program he was supposed to be doing. They found he loved M&M's. SO they got him to start doing his program by giving him 1/4 of an M&M each time he did what they wanted. Then they weaned him off the candy over time. By the time the program was done the young man was in 100% compliance and working every day towards more goals.

See this is why I am not close with other parents at school. I do not make friends with them, I don't add them on my facebook. I'm not interested in being a part of that social circle. I like what Angela said, play your cards close to the vest.

Well maybe the school will close. It sounds awful. I do not have much advice other than keep your head up and do what is best for your child.
Schools like this disgust me. Also it sounds like the parents who started the school are not very christian. My children go to a private catholic school and i guess we are lucky, we had a bully in our daughters class last year and he was not permitted to return this year or any future years and his parents were huge donors and alumni of the school. Not all private or public schools are bad. This must be so hard for you. Good luck and many blessings.

I am sorry you have to live in the same town with these people but at least your children will no longer be at the same school.
When you see them around town, smile, then move along and keep your head held high.
Do not think about them or engage them in any way.
Soon enough they will forget about you, and you can forget about them.
Spend your time and energy focusing on your children, your family and friends, don't waste another minute being upset over these people.
You're better off without them!!!

Leave the school for sure. I am not surprised her parents are acting like they are, we sometimes forget that bullies learn their behavior from somewhere! And that is exactly what I would point out to people if they say anything to you about your role, that you are protecting your child from bullies, and not the child who does not know any better, but the parents who taught the child how to act in the first place.

Threaten the parents with a defamation/slander suit. Let them know have and are documenting everything, enough is enough, and unless all this stops, a judge will be taking up the issue. They are trying to harm your character, and it's obviously causing you emotional and possibly financial hardship. I think the time is done for playing nice.

Nope. Be the better person and move on. They won't believe you anyway. They will find out on their own when their daughter turn on their kids.

I am sorry for all of your conflict. I don't want to be offensive, but this sounds a good plot for a made for TV movie, and I am so sorry you are having to live it. I do not mean to belittle your situation. I think I would pray about it and let God lead your heart. Things are in turmoil for you now, but I think things will settle down especially when people get busy with their own summer travel plans. Plan activities for your children so that they are not dependent on playing with neighborhood kids. Since your kids will not be in that school next year, there is no reason for the animosity to continue. Keep your head up high and try to avoid situations where you would have direct contact or conflict with the family in question. Pray for them to so that God would lead them in a real Christian way. Good Luck!

I replied to your earlier post. I'm so sorry that now others in the community are bullying you adults-- because that's what's happening now; it's adults bullying adults, basically. Not as nasty as what kids do, but equally painful, and in some ways worse because adults are subtler about it all.

I said in my earlier reply to ensure that your kids get a lot of play dates over the summer with kids who are leaving this school too -- you mentioned that other families are leaving, not just yours. Please ensure that your kids are no longer exposed to the kids of any of these families who are now bad-mouthing your family. If your kids are in any outside activities that are NOT affiliated with this school (scouting, sports, dance, whatever), work hard this summer to cultivate those friends who have nothing to do with the drama at the school.

Your pain is very, very fresh, so it's hard right now for you to see what some of us here see -- you need to let go. It's easy for us to say "get over it" and hard for you to do of course! But if people are avoiding you -- drop them. If this volunteer organization burned you because of a few members -- drop it; there are plenty of other volunteer organizations out there who would fight to get a good volunteer like you on board. If you, yourself, have other adult activities you pursue, hobbies, groups, etc, emphasize those. If people from this dreadful school are IN those groups -- find new places and things to do. You need to help your husband see, now, that fighting and fighting is only hurting your kids. They need this out of their lives and that may include you and him giving up on these families, seeing other friends and dropping these neighbors as friends, etc. He must not let his fighting instincts hurt his own kids.

Unless you live in a truly tiny town, this should not be as hard as it might seem right now. You only have so much energy and a limited amount of what I call "mental real estate." If you dwell on this, you let these adult bullies take up too much of your mental real estate; evict them.

As a Christian, I'm praying that your church does not include any of these adults who are being nasty, avoiding you, etc. If it does and you feel you need to leave it and find another, do not feel guilty; you cannot worship whole-heartedly in a place with people who are behaving this way.

As for moving, wait before you think about that. You are very emotional right now and moving house is a huge financial decision that should NEVER be made when you are upset and emotional. This can blow over once your kids are in another school and you and your husband have cut ties with the adults who are not supporting you.

The sad thing is that the bullying girl in question may indeed have legitimate mental issues that require treatment. But in any decent public school, her BEHAVIOR would have been cause for her to be disciplined or for her parents to be told to move her into a program that could deal with her. Because this was a private school run by wealthy and entitled parents, she was allowed to behave in ways that are not acceptable -- and any illness or condition is no excuse for that behavior. The parents are cheating this poor child, who will go on being allowed to behave this way "because she's got issues." In the real world outside her school, someday someone will not understand or care that she has a condition, and she will end up in serious trouble. It will be her parents' fault.

I am wondering if you can't get the pastor involved and help to bring some peace to this situation.. You mentioned your children go to a Christian School and I am guessing there someone there with whom you can speak.
I wouldn't call for an intervention perse but rather a get together and have a meeting of the minds. Let the pastor know how you feel and that you would like to resolve matters once and for all. Sometimes, an outside source can help mend matters..
Now, if this doesn't work, then hey you tried your best..

Huh. Banquet, bully? Kind of hard to follow.

With four kids I spent a zillion years in the schools. Never ever did I encounter anything like what you are describing. Everyone got along ver well. I still am not sure of the whole story since it is hard to follow.

Defend yourselves to whom? Other parents have turned against you? They aren't your true friends. Why waste your energy? The school leaders? You're leaving. Sometimes when people know you have a foot out the door in school community, they just stop putting any effort into a relationship with you. That could be the cold shoulder you're feeling from any of the adults in your school community. Time to let it go. Honestly, it sounds really toxic for your poor kids. We only have 7 days of school left, how much time do you have? Why can't you just pull them out now?

Bullying/peer pressure is not just limited to kids. Adults even on this board do it. They see a mama getting beat up on and few will take the stance to respond to the post in a differing slant.

Move on. If you linger in it your kids cannot move on from it.

You never said what started all of this...it sounds like there is more to the story. With everything you said, I never understood why everyone is turning on you except they think you started "trouble" and something about a handicapped child. There must be something that started all of this. You need to organize your thoughts and write concisely if you want helpful advice.

Either way, you probably need to leave the school, it sounds like too much water under the bridge