Best Friend - or Lack Of

Updated on March 31, 2011
M.H. asks from Madison, WI
12 answers

I know we've discussed the BFF thing before on here and I've been thinking about it lately.

I was wondering for the ladies who don't feel they have a best friend - let's say that BFF does not include our husbands or sisters/mothers/other family members - are you okay wth not having a best friend or do you feeling sad/lonely?

I've been reading a Christian book and it mentions a lot of aspects about God being our best friend. I also feel that I'm at a point in my life where I would like to only be reliant on myself for happiness and if unhappy I turn to God.

So the idea is that I don't rely on any friends, family members, even husband or kids, etc to make me happy. I see a great benefit in this because I've had so many friends and even some family members come and go. Some of these people I was so close to, but then realized what I thought was a friendship was really not. Some non family members I would've considered best friends or at least very good friends were only befriending me to benefit themselves and when they were ready to move on, I was dropped and on they went with their life. I wouldn't consider this a friend at all, but they acted as if we were really good friends at the time - caring, concerned, interested, etc.

I do have many friends who would be there for me if I needed help. I'm grateful for all of them. But I'm not sure I would consider them best friends since we're not in each others lives regularly and we don't share deep feelings or anything like that. There's a small group I'm friends with, but they also get together and I end up hearing about times they get together and I've been excluded, which is fine but still can sting a little.

I do have one person I consider a BFF from high school but she lives over 1000 miles away so we're not as close as we used to be and we can't get together or be in each others daily lives. I miss her bigtime and wish she was close.

Adding - I've been very close to God all my life.....even grew up in a private Christian school with very religious grandparents and parents. So I'm not just starting to discover God, but rather realizing that it is He and only He that will make me happy. It's so easy to get enveloped in the secular world where material things and other people mistakenly become the source of our happiness.

So I was just wondering how others feel......

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answers from Augusta on

I was thinking about posting something similar. I'm like you, my bff lives about 3 hrs away and we only see each other 2 or 3 times a year. We don't talk on the phone like we used to since we've both had kids. I have a group of "friends" who would be there for advice and stuff but no one that I hang out with or talk on the phone with. I am a litte sad about it. Especially when I hear ladies at work talking about girls night out or doing stuff together with their kids. I've thought of ways that perhaps I could find someone to do stuff with but that seems a little desperate so I just keep to myself. I love my husband and my son and I spend a lot of time with them, but sometimes I would like to have a friend all to myself, someone I don't have to share with anyone else, understands my crazy schedule, that would fit into my life. Too much to ask huh? lol I do wonder why you get excluded from the group of friends you mention. Do you not want to do things with them? Or if they don't ask you to join them, have they tried before and you never could so they stopped asking you? Seems a little cruel to not invite you but tell you about the fun they just. Just my opinion. HTH

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answers from San Francisco on

I have a few close friends but unfortunately when I got pregnant my best friends got jealous and we stopped talking---so stupid-right? Well anyways, I have learned that the only person that can make me happy, is me. I rely on myself and my relationship with God to get through times good and bad. Of course my hubby truely is my best friend so don't feel sad in that respect, but i do feel sad sometimes when i don't have a girl friend that I can talk to and have a heart to heart the way I used to before having children. Its hard to make friends and keep up relationships when you are a working M. and have small children to tend to.


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answers from Spokane on

I think there's a difference between having friends and family *enrich* your life vs being dependant on them for your own happiness.

I don't have a BFF (aside from hubby) and yeah, sometimes I miss having a close friend I can call up anytime to vent, laugh, whatever. But I like being with ME and am ok with not having a BFF right now. My focus is my young family.

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answers from Minneapolis on

Since God is within you, you're making yourself your own best friend. Right?

Once you're at peace with yourself and love yourself, you will radiate love for others. Then naturally, more friends come to you.

As we age, sometimes you can't hold on to the best friend you had as a child or teen. When we're young, we have a lot in common with people our own age. However as we age, we learn who we "really are" and may discover that may not gel with our original BFFs.

I lost one BFF when she went alcoholic, and two others over extremely bad lifestyles they chose for themselves.

I miss what we used to have, but I'm much more happy knowing who I am and attracting like-minded friends.

Sometimes Christians focus too much on God as being "up there." Remember, God is within you, me, and everyone else just as equally.
Love yourself, and you'll love God.

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answers from Washington DC on

How great it is that you are getting to know God!! He's such a wonderful and amazing God!!! I see such amazing things daily - some things awe-strike me and I can't help but stop and say "thank you, God for these beautiful blessings you have bestowed upon me"

My best friend has been in my life for almost 35 years. she knows anything and everything about me. We have NEVER lived in the same state or near each other. So distance shouldn't play a factor in this. She and I have a VERY deep relationship and VERY committed to each other...seriously - our husband's know and understand this - they don't mess with it - they support it.

With God in my life - I am NEVER lonely and as you grow closer to God you will find that you will never be lonely either.

Call up your BF from HS - and reconnect!! Tell her you miss her and start the connection again!! Make dates with each other to call on the phone to catch up. Plan a "dinner" date - where you both have your cells charged up and you go to the same restaurant and "eat' together - my BFF and I do this every once in a while - it's hilarious!! But it's WONDERFUL!!!

I do NOT rely on ANYONE else for my happiness. I rely on myself. It's called self-love and God wants you to love yourself.

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answers from Portland on

Well, foremost, I think it is good to look to our own selves for happiness. But first, to find any happiness, we have to practice acceptance.

I don't know if I have a 'best friend' in the social way we describe other women of great intimate cameraderie. While I would describe my husband as my "best friend", there are plenty of nights when he's exhausted from work and has limited attention for what I want to talk about. That's okay. I have plenty of days in a year when I think "ah, I want to call someone and chat about such-and-such" but my friends are busy with their jobs, families, lives.

So, therein lies the acceptance part. I can accept that they are busy, or don't always have time for me, or that they get together with other friends without inviting me--- all of these things are moments. Temporary.

I must be my own best friend, because I am there for me as much as I possibly can be. I choose happiness, first by accepting that these friendships aren't always perfect or convenient, and then by asking myself what I need, and then I do it. Pretty soon, I'm going to close this laptop down, make a strong cup of tea and watch an episode of Perry Mason because that is what makes me feel pretty satisfied with life.

One angle you might want to try is looking at your relationships as 'diversified'. I have some friends I call to talk politics (and yep, we agree for the most part); I have my 'mom friends', my 'teacher friends', one of my three sisters and I can say that we have a strong, rich friendship, but we've worked on it for years. The point of it is that usually, I have a richer life with having these contextualized relationships with an array of people than I would have if I relied on one Best Friend. Therefore, I rely on myself, my best friend is me. And acceptance of all of this is what helps me to be content with it. Okay, gonna get off this forum and go get happy now before my son comes home in 1.5 hours!



answers from Charlotte on




answers from Duluth on

Wow! That's a lot to think about! I am blessed with two very close friends. One friend I have known since grade school and the other friend I have known for 7 or 8 years. I can share everything with them. One lives nearby and the other lives far away from me. I need to trust people and I cannot know if a person is trustworthy at first appearances. Deep friendship takes a long time to grow. It starts out first as "something in common," and turns into trust, and then willingness to share more followed by more trust. It is extremely valuable because it is wonderful to be accepted and loved for exactly what I am. God does that always and sends me buddies to encourage my need for companionship. I have been blessed!


answers from Sioux City on

I know you said to exclude husbands and family members, but my husband, Mom and Dad are my best friends. That isn't to say I don't have friends, but I don't think you would call any of them my best friends. I don't think I think about the term BEST friend. I have dear friends. The difference between those two term may be only in my head though. LOL!

Over the years I have come to realize that God wants us to love everyone. We are to want the very best for everyone that we meet. The very best is to be in heaven. We are supposed to set good examples and help each other to be closer to Him . This isn't always easy. In my own family there are times when I have had to visit with people that are on a distractive path and lovingly explain that I can't support or help them to continue in the distractive things they are doing. People don't alway like to be confronted with the things they are doing wrong, but I think a true friend would tell you if you were headed for trouble even knowing that the person may choose to abandon the relationship.

I believe God places people in your path, and you in theirs, for a purpose. When we experienced the deaths of several of our children, there were people who I really weren't close to that really stepped up to the plate for us and some people who were really close to us fell away from us. We all have strengths and God uses your strengths to aid in his plan so I don't dislike those that fell away. I just realize for some reason they didn't feel they could help.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we are all called to love everyone and sometimes that's hard. The people who are most dear to me are the people who are willing to do the hard stuff to make me a better person and who are willing to share in the joys and sorrows of life. I try to be that to everyone God places in my path.

I'm not sure this makes a whole lot of sense to anyone but me, but for what it's worth, there's my two cent.



answers from Harrisburg on

I agree you can only depend/rely on yourself and God, but we do NEED people in our lives. We have to understand them and see how best we can relate to them. Women in general love to and need to talk, but unfortunately most of them there is the trust issue that they (no matter how unintentional) will talk about it, men don't understand sometimes, and some family members are too concerned about their own lives. Best friends are either busy or you cannot totally relate every thing to them. Know who you can go to if you need to, but ultimately the only friend that knows you better than anyone else is God-whether you know him or not.



answers from Eugene on

God made us to be in relationship with others. You know, we are the body of Christ, members of one body, interconnected, we need eachother and were made to function that way.

I feel close to God, too. But sometimes I still feel lonely. He gets that. Sometimes I need a friend with a voice I can hear (I haven't gotten to the point where I hear God's audible voice, maybe others are more spiritual than I am).

My best friend lives in another state but we talk by phone every few days. She's my friend through thick and thin. She's seen me at my worst, lowest moments and she's still my friend. How healing and affirming is that! Not only that, but she has the courage to tell me when I'm wrong. To me, a friend like that is a special gift from God.



answers from Duluth on

one thing is for sure, the Bible says that we are all a part of the body of Christ. we need the support of others to help us to live our lives. we are created for companionship. and not everything can be fulfilled by one's spouse. we cant live our Christian lives by keeping a distance to everyone.

that being said, i know how you feel. i cant tell you the number of times i thought that someone and i had "clicked" as friends, and how i thought we would be best friends (finally a best friend!) and sharing things and spending time together. but the fact of the matter is that it never happened. i dont know if somehow i managed to come across too needy, or too strong, or what, but its just never happened for me. i have just a few friends, none of which can come on over a moments notice, or that i would call and talk on the phone for hours or something. granted, that could be my assumed aspergers too. :P

but anyway, know that i know how you feel, and that it is hard to find a friend these days. where i live, social life means going out and getting drunk, and i dont drink, so its extremely hard to find anyone to trust or to hang out with without being a drunk. but i do know that its lonely and depressing without someone to be there for you. i almost wish we could be friends because i totally know how you feel. God should be our best friend. but remember, He cant fulfill every need, and we cant be part of the body without the other parts!

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