Being Separated Because of Work

You should really move up there. Your first responsibility is to YOUR kids and not your dad's. You being with your husband and them being with Dad is the most important thing. To be honest I think this is probably the only shot you have for your marriage to stay together if that is what you want. Three years away is a long time-esp when a man has proven himself unfaithful like it seems that yours did. And I will add it does seem that he is choosing this lifestyle and I would wonder why if it were me. It sounds like between his less paying opportunity and his business he wants to start he could possibly make near what he is on the pipeline. Most people would jump at this chance if it meant them being with their family.

I would not run a business for him that's for sure. If he can't take the job opportunity at home and then do the business as well why should you take the responsibility of it. If you do you should make sure that you get a bigger part of the partnership than he does so you are in control of it. And make him sign a contract-DO NOT trust him on this.

So, my husband is deployed and there are days I wonder how I'll make it through. I have had to learn how to ask for help. The sleep deprivation alone can be torturous. I find that my mood is also greatly improved by a shower and a decent meal. These are not easily attained in my current circumstances, but when things are feeling bleak, I try to take stock and make some adjustments (as I can.)

I have recently re-joined the local YMCA. I had a hard time justifying the expense since we are military we could use the base gym for free, but the Child Watch program affords me the opportunity to work out without my kids and the endorphines are a nice boost to getting through the tough times.

I don't know that there is any way to be happy with phone calls and Skypes as a "substitute" for the husband's presence. I spend a lot of time on the phone or the computer with my husband when he is deployed, and I have to tell you I've come to resent it. He gets done with work for the day and he has down time. I *never* have down time to sit and just piss away an hour on the phone like some teenager. I am much more get in, say what you have to say, get out. My husband wants to recount the plot lines of some of his favorite books.... in detail. Just trying to share another facet of the communication issue. Just keep in mind that the phone is not going to be an acceptable replacement for the kind of connection you have when you are together.

I don't know the details of your relationship with your husband, but if you are having concerns, the best first step is to talk to him. Tell him that you feel that since you have choices, you should really discuss your options. If he is set on staying on the pipeline job, ask him what his visions are for working on his relationships with you and your children. Give him an opportunity to try to sell you on his plan. Voice your concerns, but be open to his possibilities.

Good luck.

It is very difficult to be alone with two very young children raising them on your own. Marriages do survive separations. Many people do it for economic reasons. However, it you can't go to see him at all that is going to be very stressful.
He's alone without you and you are empty inside without him. With such young children it is hard to build activities that would sustain you.
I have a few suggestions. If you are breast feeding LaLeche League has meetings for mothers you might meet other women you can visit with there.
Do you have friends? Get together with them during the day.
There are groups like Birth to Three for parents. You could also get into a fitness class where you can shape up following the birth of your baby.
Fill up your life as much as you can with things that interest you.
You don't need another task right now like getting your husband's business going. That can wait until your baby is older and you aren't so exhausted emotionally.

my husband is gone on a job for a month right now. I feel he abandonded us and never looked back. he left me here to take care of everything with a broken arm. there is so much i can't do by myself yet. He didn't call or even text the 1st 5 days he was there! when he did call and i cried about how hurt i was he just laughed it off. he only called to get me to drive 2 hours to bring him some clean clothes. i was so furious and hurt. i felt like we were "out of sight out of mind" this normally very involved dad just left and didn't look back. well, when we got there, i could see the look on his face. this was just as h*** o* him as it is us. he didn't call because he felt guilty. he couldn't take the sound of the kids crying and asking when he's coming back. he squeezed them and made every excuse to get us to stay. so maybe your husbands heart isn't as stone cold as he wants you to believe. this may be the only way he knows to support you guys and this is the best way he knows to deal with it.

It seems like this is a conversation that might go better in person--if you can wait that long. Adjusting to the second child was the hardest time I have had so far as a mom. I don't think he is getting how difficult it is for you since he isn't there. You can try telling him again using "I statements" and explaining "I feel __________." Maybe you can try to get him to take a break from this kind of work for a set amount of time (6 months, a year, whatever).

Men don't "get it". They think it's easy to be home with a newborn and a 3 year old.
You are probably feeling totally overwhelmed because you have a new baby in the house and no support. (Not to mention the raging hormones!) It's time to ask for help. You help your dad with his kids? Why can't he help you with yours? You need to ask for what you need. People aren't mind readers. Go to church. Make some friends. Find a mother's group. You need support...
Your husband isn't a mind reader, either. You cried when you told him what you wanted and all he saw was the tears and heard the whine. You need to write him a letter - a very detailed letter - explaining what you need and what you want and why. I am sure your husband feels like he provides well for you and yours while he is away. Think about all the military families who don't see their loved ones for years at a time. Consider yourself lucky.
If you want your husband to call earlier - ask him to call earlier. Tell him that you need to get rest so you can deal during the day. Tell him to call at a specific time. If he can't do that, just say a few I love yous and sign off.
LBC

I've been that 24 year old mom with a tiny baby & a 2 year old whose husband had less than 48 hours to prepare to be gone from his family for months at a time. It's not easy! What I did learn was that you'll amaze yourself at what you're capable of accomplishing, but it sure is a lot easier if you've got some help behind you. I definitely agree with some of the other advice you've already gotten. The first thing you need to do is sit down & figure out what resources you have available to you right now to get some help. If you feel compelled to help your father with his children, then so be it, but see if you can work out a bartering system where HE sometimes helps YOU in return, even if that means he takes the 3 year old for a few hours at a time once a week, every little bit helps.

Then, once you've gotten some relief, once your sleep pattern is somewhat normal & once your hormones have gotten a chance to calm themselves, sit down & write your man a letter. Tell him everything you need to tell him & word it exactly how you want it to come across. Fold it up & sleep on it & then make any changes you need to before you send it off to him. Make it clear in the letter that this is not you talking AT him, it's you starting a conversation WITH him & that you need a response. Tell him that this situation is not working for you & that you need some changes to be made, but you're willing to compromise to make it happen & then FOLLOW THROUGH with that.

Nobody said being married was going to be easy (or, if they did, they were lying) but the secrets are this: love each other all the time, whether you particularly like each other every minute is up to you, but love is not negotiable; laugh with each other, over anything & everything, because it's just not worth it if you're not having fun & compromise because you're never going to get everything you want exactly when & how you want it, but you can get damn close if you work together & make small sacrifices for each other on a daily basis.

I wish you much love & happiness. Have faith both in yourself & your marriage & it will all work out.