Being Judged About Tantrums

my 'judgment' would have been 'wow, what an awesome mom to immediately remove her daughter from a situation where she was hitting other kids.' if you were one of the many moms who ignores this (until her own child is the one getting hit) i'd have had the frowny eyebrows.
you sound exhausted and frustrated. you're also amazing.
khairete
S.

I cared, but pretended not to until one rather spectacular tantrum in a grocery store when my son was 2 or 3.

I did like I always did. Parked the cart out of the way, scooped him up, and headed outside.

I have a house rule that "When you throw a fit, you don't get what you want". This particular time, he wanted to go home. OR the car. He was quite emphatic about it. So we marched (well, I marched, he did the full body flail in my arms) outside, I took him to the middle of the front (most out of the way) sat him on a hay bale, and we rode out the tantrum.

OF COURSE I'm in full body flop sweats, my naturally curly hair rising to texan proportions of "big" from the sweat, icewater for blood, my stomach in my throat, and my self esteem somewhere under my shoes. While 99.682 percent of my attention was on him, out of the corner of my eyes I'm noticing (and pretending to ignore) all the people passing by.

Tantrum passes. Tears get wiped away. Chubby little hand in mine, he walks back inside with me and apologizes to the checkers.

Right about then this 4 foot nothing, very posh (perfectly coiffed hair, impecable clothes and jewels, spine ramrod straight), very elderly woman steams right up to me.

I didn't know my stomach could get into MORE knots.

She comes right up to us, gives me a big smile, and pats me on the shoulder.

"You're doing just FINE." she declared, nodded in finality, and clicked briskly off.

That pat on the shoulder cured me of caring what other people think. I don't know why. But it did. I wish I could track her down and tell her what a world of difference those few kind words have meant to me in all these coming years.

It wasn't like I did anything different. But from then on... Parenting in Public? No worries. No more flop sweats. No more icewater and pounding heart. No more embarrassment.

Parenting in Public happens. It's when it DOESN'T happen, that there is cause for embarrassment!!! The kid who hits and just gets to stay playing. The kid throwing a tantrum who is given "whatever" (candy, toys, whatever kind of reward) to shush them up rather than "You SHOULD be upset! We don't HIT people. It's so much FUN here, but we have to go home, because you HIT." and all the variations that exist.

And know... that there are dozens of moms, catching that tantrum out of the corner of their eye, and a little smile is playing across our lips. Remembering that age and both how precious it is, and how HANDY that they're small enough to pick up!

When I see a mom struggling with a tantrum, and trying to do the right thing and still have that face of embarrasment I always smile at them.
I don't know if they all get what I try to say with my smile, but I hope they all get that is ok, is normal, and as mom and I know what is like.
Once I was in the bookstore, and this poor mom with a baby on a stroller and an active toddler who was being rude, she wanted to take his son away as a punish and the little boy just went bananas and I could see in her face that she didn't knew what to do and looked at me, I told her: "please don't let me being her stop you what you need to do, I know what is like" and I also told her about this website and that she could come here and find out how she is not the only one.
I agree with Riley, is when the mom doesn't do anything to the child that is hitting other kids that piss me off, or the mom that goes way overboard about it too.
Of course if a kid had just hit my girl, I would not smile to the parent but I would have appreciate that she took her daughter away instead of just smile and say something like: "they are just being kids".

My first thought is always, "That poor mom." If it gets quiet enough I'll actually say, "I can see you're having a rough day... I've been there. Do you need some help?" if it looks like she's struggling carrying something or there's another child that needs to be helped or moved in a carriage on the way to a car.

Very often the answer is "no" but a lot of times the answer is a relieved, "THANK YOU! I was wondering how I was going to ___."

Oh man! I was the "biter's mom" for a couple of months. Lost a client over it. I do in-home childcare to boot! Lol. Best advice? Only allow your child in when she is fed/happy/napped. Remove her each time and take her straight home. Your child WILL be judged. Sorry. Mine was. Now, she's still crazy, but she's loved, lol.

Kate,

I completely understand what you are saying and how you feel about being judged!! The only way that I have gotten past this (mostly) is to say to myself a little mantra: " I am doing the best I can do with my child and that is good enough." Anyone who wants to take on my parenting or criticize me, has NO place in my life. I only have room for people who are kind, caring and helpful.

If people look, and they will~ I look right back and if needed, say something! If you get the omg looks and rude stares etc---I look them in the face and say " Is there something you would like to add? Or say to my face? The way I choose to parent is my choice-not yours. You obviously haven't had children---so are in no way an expert and your opinion doesn't matter! They usually back down and say Oh, I'm sorry .....Or they snap out of it and say something helpful and say they are sorry for offending me. Most people are oblivious to the way they react to others. Hang in there and just know you are doing the right thing for your child and no one's opinion matters.

M

There's a commedian called Louie CK, who tells great stories about his kids.
He always says how judgemental he was of parents BEFORE he had his own kids.
Now that he has two, he says that his first thought when he sees a kid freaking out somewhere is "OMG, what did that sh*tty kid do to that poor woman?".
That always makes me laugh, and has totally become my first thought when I see it myself. So, rest assured, any other parent gets it, and is thanking you for taking your DD away from the situation. And everyone else...screw em! They'll be there one day! lol!

Just remember that she was tired. And we have all been there. My daughter is 4 and she's awesome, but she has her moments too. Most especially when she is over-tired and been pushed to her limit. Her worst tantrums is when she is over-tired, and she just can't cope. Then the least little thing can send her into orbit and she looks like the worst brat in the world. Yesterday after coming home from school, she had lunch but then wanted a cupcake and I told her it would have to wait. She started whining about wanting the cupcake and I told her no, she needed to stop the whining. She persisted so she got put in a 5 minute time-out. That 5 minute time-out turned into 30 minute melt-down scream fest because she didn't want to be in time-out. We have the rule that the time-out does not start until you are quiet but she never just quieted down - she kept screaming over and over that she wanted to come out. I finally had to go into another part of the house just to not give her any audience and after a little while there was dead silence. I went to go check on her and she had fallen asleep right on our hardwood floor in the time-out spot. I guess she was tired!

So it might help to recognize those times when your child is going to be less able to cope with life's frustrations - tired, hungry, etc. Correct what you can, which may mean bringing them home sooner than you planned. But rest assured, nobody will judge you if you handle the situation appropriately - disciplining, or removal, without making excuses or going over the top.

Just breathe. I would much much rather someone remove her child than ignore it. I give credit to the parent who deals with her child vs placating the kid or not doing anything. Keep your head up.

When DD was 2, she screamed so much in the dressing room that I heard the "bing bong" of the dressing area alarm indicating that someone was checking on us. DD wouldn't put her clothes on and she wouldn't try her dress and she wouldn't eat. I started talking loudly so the person could hear me. "DD I know you're tired but please put your clothes on so we can go home..." Etc. Mortified. Later someone asked me if DD was OK and I just looked at her and said, "She's 2."

My daughter is six and has never had a tantrum....but my mom said I was the tantrum queen when I was little and she would get awful looks from people as if she were a bad mom and I was a bad kid...and I know different...my mom is my best friend and I'm not 2 anymore! So when I see a mom struggling with a child who is throwing a tantrum I just give her a look like "you are doing a great job, I get it."

you did the right thing you removed her. its not like you were smacking her the whole way.
i get looks because i will swat my daughter in public.

I feel your pain! Same situation but now he's 10. I have to say, it's a tough road but it will pass.