Being Compared with Boyfriends Family...

She's 21 -why doesn't she have her own place to live -especially if she finds yours lacking? I wouldn't give it a second thought. If she wants to prattle on about how fantastic the boyfriend's family is -just tell her that she should probably spend more time over there. Why doesn't she have her own place -especially if she has her own child? You mentioned daycare, so I'm wondering.

As far as your husband -he shouldn't get pouty over it. He certainly has no right to be ugly to her boyfriend. It sounds like your husband and your daughter are immature. Just tell her you have a different lifestyle than they do -no biggie. She can like it or not, but you're her family and that's not going to change. Remind her that we can spend our time in this life being happy and not being affected by things that don't really matter (like how much our parents have compared to how much a boyfriend's family has) or we can spend a bunch of time complaining and being miserable. It really is a choice. If she chooses to complain and be miserable -let her. Ignore her. Don't enable her!

I think you have some resentment as well. The daughter could be this way because she equates love to stuff. Our son is that way. Always has been. This could just be her genetic makeup. Some people are just never satisfied. However, you are placing all the blame on her. I think there is a dynamic going on here. Perhaps she has felt left out and unimportant and this is her way to make you help her feel important.

The boyfriend didn't do anything wrong so your husband needs to put his big boy pants on and get over that. Next, he needs to get the darn coat. If it doesn't fit, she can take it back and get the size that fits or a different color. The get boyfriend something as well. Doesn't have to be real fancy. Then, I would sit DD down and explain that you both love her very much but that this is how things will be and if she isn't happy she is certainly free to move out and start her own life with her child.

ditto to everything Julie B said!

+ kids pull away, embrace other's lifestyles, & then return home. It's all part of cutting the cord...

& here's what I don't get: why did she have to go along when her gift was being purchased? Why can't dad buy on his own? Flipping it....she gets one gift & she has to pick it out herself? I know that, personally, gifts mean so much more to me if they're given from the heart, without my prompting/input!

This post felt a bit disjointed - but I am sure that is because there are so many little details in a big family to make up the whole picture, and I am sure that can be difficult to put together in a few paragraphs, especially when hurt feelings are involved. It seems like your daughter is probably at a stage in her life where some selfish, bitter issues are coming out. You feel like you do a lot for her....she is a single mom living with you and you provide her with free daycare. In her eyes, she probably feels like she went without her whole life, and that, as her parents, you SHOULD help her, and this is something she can force you to give. I am not saying that is right, I am just saying, that it sounds like that is probably her attitude. It also sounds like her feelings get hurt because it doesn't sound like gifts are really given in the correct spirit in your house. Yes, she tells you what she wants, but think about it.....rather than going out and getting it, and giving it (maybe with a gift receipt for easy exchanges if the color isn't correct), your husband, who is an adult and a parent and should be mature enough, throws a fit, doesn't get her a gift, for whatever reason, and then throws up his hands and blames it on her and you back him up by blaming her general attitude, and that she shouldn't be upset, because he WANTED to take her shopping...what's wrong with that?! When she does get a gift, she probably feels like it comes with frustration..which it sounds like it does-probably, if she gets the coat she wants, but it's in a different color than she likes, she probably gets eye rolls and the immediate reaction that she is spoiled and nothing is ever good enough.... But to be honest, it sounds like she may not want a ton of things to unwrap...but at least ONE, from the person who drew her name according to your current family rules. Of course feelings are going to get hurt and that is going to carry over from year to year. I know my mom gives me presents every year, but the thought that goes into them is spending the least amount of money possible, and checking a box that getting something for me is done. Fortunately, I am at the point that I can take it for what it is and concentrate on my own family, but your daughter is still really young and trying to figure out how she wants her life to be.

Then there is the issue of the boyfriend. You made it sound like he is from a nice family that probably does holidays and birthdays in a big manner....the kind of manner that she is envious of. She probably goes over there and receives gifts for Christmas from them, and feels awkward or embarrassed that your family doesn't do things that way, and won't reciprocate when he comes over...and is she wrong? It sounds like you guys don't even want the boyfriend, that you say is nice, over at your house. Since there are so many issues that make everyone feel awkward and have hurt feelings, sit down with your daughter, but don't gang up and attack her....that will do nothing but alienate her further. Ask her what it is that is troubling her and what she wants from you guys....not just presents, but for life in general. Explain that you, as a family, cannot do things the way other families will necessarily do them, but this is your arrangement. Absolutely, you have the right to let her know that you do support her and help her in your own way, by letting her live with you rent free and provide her childcare. These things are NOT typical, but it is how YOUR family works, and everyone needs to understand that. Maybe try suggesting that you guys start from a clean slate. Take suggestions on gift giving strategies...name draws or whatever....and then vote on it with all of your children, so that everyone clearly understands the rules. Specifically address the issue to significant others. And DO NOT bring up old issues or make comments about how lucky you are that another daughter is happy to do the cooking while another one only complains. Once you come to an agreement - move on.

This must be frustrating. I would sit down with your hubby and daughter and let her know this is the family she got. My older sister was simular to this in her teens. We come from a blue collar and poor family and her friends came from wealthy familys. One day my mom told her if she didn't like it to just leave. My sister moved out at 16 and found out that life on your own is very hard and her blood family (although not perfect) was always there for her (unlike her friends family).

Your daughter is very lucky to have parents that will let her live with them rent free and offer free daycare. There are plenty of single young moms that don't have any support at all.

Take a few minutes and tell your daughter that you need to have a talk. Tell her that you noticed that seems unhappy not matter gifts are given to her, and that it seems that she is comparing your family (and your incomes and traditions) to BF's family, and that that is not fair. Sit down and tally up your budget, and break it down by costs (what you do for her--put a price tag on it), and show her that while you cannot lavish her with gifts, you are providing her with lots of "gifts" (free childcare, free room/board). Tell her that you know that this year hasn't been what she would have wished for, but that you're trying to aim for everyone to have a better holiday next year. So, ask for her help. Ask her what, knowing what your limited resources are, she would suggest. She is an adult and part of the family, and so let her know that her help is appreciated to try to make the holidays special and happy for everyone.

You might also suggest as part of this that you, as a family, read the 5 Love Languages--it really sounds like both that she is feeling entitled, but also that for her, receiving gifts is a main way that she finds the feeling of love. For some people, it's a loved one spending time with them, for other others, it's making things, etc. It's a short, quick read, and can be very illuminating.

Sounds like you have several different issues going on here. The first one is that your daughter lives at home with you for free and has a child. I was allowed to live at home rent free for as long as I wanted under the condition that I was in college and got decent grades. If I came home pregnant, I'm sure my parents would have thrown me out and told me if I was old enough to have a baby, then I was old enough to move out. You have completely spoiled your daughter and then you wonder why she acts spoiled?

The second issue is that you and your husband seem to resent your daughter's boyfriend and his family. I'm sure you would love to live in a picture perfect home and not bring work home on the weekends. It's not fair to your daughter's boyfriend that you are mistreating him over envy.

The third issue is that holidays should be a big deal. We go through life working hard, paying bills and doing all the mundane household chores. I love holidays as they are an excuse to stop what you are doing and smell the roses. It is a time to celebrate and enjoy life. Birthdays are huge in my house. You are celebrating the existance of your beloved children. I only give my kids gifts twice a year, Birthdays and Christmas because I don't want to over spoil them throughout the rest of the year. It doesn't mean you have to buy expensive things, it just means put some thought into it. My kids got underwear, clothes, etc. that matched their personalities and tastes. They had so much fun opening everything. When my mother-in-law was alive, she made the holidays so much fun. She would put together 10 different gifts to unwrap. None of them were super expensive, some things she even hand made herself. Those were the ones I treasure the most. It is the thought that counts and you're not putting any thought into it, especially when you take her shopping to pick out her own gift.

Good Luck to you.

Something that helped me, that might help you was a book called "Love Languages". It talks about the different ways people feel loved.
I think there were 5 catagories, and if you are in one and your girl in another you will have mis-communication and hurt feelings forever!
I remember there were 5 catagories; service, material, physical, verbal, time.
Sounds like your girl is a material girl - giving and getting makes her feel loved. Sounds like your other girl is in to service - cooking for the whole family - maybe she feels loved when you do a servicde for her, like ironing a dress for her makes her feel loved.
Anyhow - read the book, it may help.
Good luck!

Your daughter needs to learn that she is now and adult. She IS "santa" sh no longer gets spoiled. The other family can do it. Hers can't she needs to deal with it on her own. She needs to realize it. No one can grow up for her. In my family my parents give me and my husband together (same for all the other married couples) a restaurant gift card and a movie gift card. About $70. Thats it. no biggie. my in laws give us a stocking (filled with novelty foods and such) and $500 cash. My parents give and do so much during the year. My in laws not so much. But I dont appreciate any one more than the other or anything. We have different relationships. we have different situations. It is life you do what you can.