Bedtime Problems - Carrollton,TX

I would not lock the door!!! There is a reason for him needing to do this so I would try to talk to him myself and if I didn't get the answers I needed I would take him to speak to a specialist. I am a mom of 3, daughter 21yrs, son 18yrs., and son 8 yrs. Good luck!!!!!

Some 13 years olds are still emotionally much closer to a 10 year old than a "teenager". You know your child. There are lots of 10,12,13 year olds who still crawl in bed or come to their parents' room at night. Lots! Folks who don't ever let their kids sleep with them have a different philosophy that may work for them, but I know many many happy healthy close knit families that see nothing wrong with kids climbing in with them at night-time. You and your son are not weird.

Unless your instincts tell you differently because you are seeing other problems on top of the bedtime stuff, I'd forget all the advice to see a counselor or therapist. If he's not acting fearful and just wanting closeness, love, and comfort, count your blessings. You've got a little sweetheart of a son who isn't quite ready to grow out of the bedtime routine of spending time with you that he enjoyed in his younger years. I've never heard of, and you haven't seen any responses here describing 14,15, or 16 year kids who are still wanting to sleep in the floor in their folks room. Our son was a very sweet sensitive boy who used to always come for cuddles early in the morning. Around 13-14, it started to phase out. He's 17 now, and we're so happy when we can convince him to come give us a hug before bedtime. There is nothing unhealthy or wrong about parents and children showing each other affection in appropriate ways. Maybe if you just offer your son 15 extra minutes of time to talk, read books, and sit close and cuddle at bedtime, that will be enough. If not, I wouldn't worry about it so much. It can't be that comfortable for him on the floor. He'll get tired of it eventually. Ask him what he thinks about it, and why he likes to be in your room. As he gets older, you want him to talk to you about his feelings and feel safe about it. If you need more privacy with your husband, move him once he's half-asleep and lock the door for a short while. That's my two cents.

Hi A., my first suggestion is to figure out WHY he is only comfortable sleeping beside you. This may take a long time, 13 yr olds don't like to admit when something is wrong. I think in order to find any solution you must first know the problem though. Has something happened to him in his sleep, even years ago? Does he have nightmares? Is he scared of the dark or being alone? My second suggestion is not to punish or reward but to solve the problem, whatever it may be. This could be as simple as a night light, a baby monitor so he can hear you at night, or it could mean just letting him sleep in the floor beside you until he decides otherwise.

I'm suggesting these things because I was once this kid... I didn't go into my parents room though I would sneak into my brothers room and sleep in his bottom bunk (he slept on the top bunk). I got in trouble for sneaking in there so many times that my parents finally gave up the battle but I can tell you that night after night I would stay up soooo late waiting for my parents to go to sleep so I could go in there. I could not sleep in my own room at all, I had terrible nightmares that were way more haunting than any trouble I ever got in for sneaking into bro's room. I still had them in my brothers room too, but just knowing he was in there with me was enough to comfort me. I had many sleepless nights as a kid, I swear I would stay up all night long sometimes for fear of going to sleep...at least I had some good rest though laying in bed listening to my bro breathing or snoring. If your son is suffering from nightmares don't make him feel guilty or leave your room, he has no control over them. I had a great childhood, no problems at home or anywhere else, just had horrible uncontrollable nightmares...I eventually grew out of them but I love and appreciate my family for helping me through those bad times.

After you call the Dr amd see what they say maybe you can try closing your bedroom door at night to see if that helps. Maybe you would hear it open and tell him to get back to his room. If that doesn't work maybe you could lock your door. I know it sounds cruel but if he is fine as far as the Dr is concerned why not try. Good Luck...

Perhaps it is time to try counseling to get to the bottom of this situation. I am sure it is very frustrating. I wonder what reasons he gives you for him not wanting to sleep in his room. I am sure you guys have tried everything but in case you haven't thought of this...what about a night light in his room? Good luck!
C.

Wow, most people have the opposite problem with a 13 year old boy- he secludes himself from his parents. So in one respect, I would be happy with this and not let it bother me. But have you genuinely talked to him about WHY he wants to sleep in your room? There may be something deeper going on.

I went through the same thing with my son. My husband told me (at the time) that I should just tell him straight out that he could NOT sleep in our room on the floor. He even mentioned shutting our door. I told him I thought that was mean and I continued to let him sleep on our floor. Coincidentally it was always on the floor on my side of the bed. I think sometimes kids have things going on and are not willing to talk to us as parents about it. Long story short, he is almost 16 years old now and is fine. Whatever it was, he outgrew it or got over it. He sleeps in his own bed and never asks to sleep on our floor anymore.

Hi Anette, I don't have much room to help since our daughter slept with us until part way through kindergarten. We first transitioned her from our bed to a mattress at the foot of our bed. She was there for almost a year, so it is a long process (as you already know). I think the counseling would help, but is not always affordable so maybe a church youth group or hotline? On another note, I'm about to have neck surgery. How long has it been since yours? I'm told I'll be unable to do anything at all the first 2 weeks and not able to work for 4. Was that the same for you? Thanks and good luck with your son. :)

I think the other opionions of "get to the root of the issue" is good advice. My initial thought is: just close and lock your door, problem solved. But, if there is some reason such as past trauma, nightmares, fear of abandonment, etc., that may not be the best route. I would find out what's going on and then you can make a more informed opinion from there.

Has he ever lost someone? Are you divorced and remarried. My 3 year old wakes up all night to say he loves me and of all things feel my ear. He used to either sleep with us or on a palet beside my bed my side also. He is our grandson but we have been raising him since birth. Doc says it is because mom and dad show up every 3 to six months then disappear again and he is afraid he will wake up and I will be gone also. We console him all the time that we love him and will never leave him. To get him to sleep in his own bed which sometimes I have to sleep with him still we put a baby monitor in his room and ours. Yes 2 units so he could hear us as well. He tried it out alot at first and would call constantly but now just the wake up to say love you. Believe it or not I do respond in my sleep to him and he feels safe and knows I am right there. I know they make a unit that goes both ways but already had the units from when he was little. If you know someone who has a monitor see if you can borrow it to try it our first before you make the purchase or keep the box and if it does not work take it back. Took about 2 weeks for us. Just remember 30 days is cut off for returns. Good Luck

you can get him a puppy to sleep with him.

13 - wow, that's a teenager!
Sounds like he has some insecurity issues too. It also sounds like you as parents didn't make him sleep in his room from a very early age. Kinda 'lets make a deal' like you said 'you can sleep in your room for 6 days, one in ours (that's a green light for him ok?)) It's saying 'this one time' - well, this one time will be another time, and another time, and the kids know this. Think about it - what else do parents 'lets make a deal' to get them to do something, and paying them to clean their rooms or do chores? Don't even get me started there!
Adults have their rooms and kids have their rooms, period. I have never understood babies to toddlers sleeping in their parents bed. That's pure D laziness on the parents part. There is nothing wrong with the kids, the parents just don't want to get up and tend to them is all, I'm sorry.
I raised 2 girls sleeping from their crib to their 'big girls' bed'. We made a big deal about 'their own room'. This is their room just like you have your PRIVATE bedroom.
Counseling may be in order because you son is very insecure about something. Is he out for sports, play in band, etc.? That will grow him up and help him find out who he is. What does he do with his dad, go to sports outings, play ball, go riding the bike, does he hang out with friends, do you go to church and he has friends there? Young boys this age should be doing all these things.
YOU are the parent, he is controlling you my friend because he is allowed to sleep in your room as a 'treat'. STOP!
Age 13 is raging hormones getting ready to start too.

Don't you miss intimacy with your husband? What if you two were making love and when you opened your eyes saw your son laying on the floor wide awake, how would you feel then? Sex education before his eyes!
Try this - You and your husband sit down with him and tell him this has to stop once and for all - your HUSBAND needs to do the talking and you VERBALLY agree with him (your son needs to see and hear this from you)
2. If you have to wake up in the middle of the night and sees him there, your husband NOT you needs to get up and take him in his bed until he gets it! Repetition - YOU are the parents, he is the child. The reason he sleeps on your side because you are probably the one who let's him get by with things, yes?
Maybe your husband needs to step up and be a bigger part in his son's life, maybe you need to let your husband be the disciplinarian and you verbally agree with him to your son. This is your home, you son is there for a short time, then he is on his own. Off to college and out of the house to become the strong independent young man you raised.
I truly hope you aren't letting your other kids sleep in your room - if you are, you have a bigger problem and need to stop all of that right away as well. What is good for one, the others see and think it's good for them as well...STOP!
I'm anxious to hear your progressive news of healthy family living...hope I wasn't too stern, we all want healthy kids turn adults yes?

Have you recently moved? I ask because my 14 yr old daughter was always a good sleeper in her bed.

We had a nice home and all bedrooms were upstairs.

In 2000, when she was 5, we built and moved into our current home. This home is much larger, the master bedroom area is downstairs on 1 end of the house and her bedroom is upstairs on the opposite side of the house. For the longest time she would not sleep in her new room. She would always end up downstairs.

Now, she would have it no other way because she has the entire 2nd floor to herself. It took a few years to get her to stay in her room.

This is just a thought. Other than that, how long has this been going on? You said you recently had surgery? Maybe he is concerned about mom?

Good luck

I totally agree with Lydia!

I would speak with his doctor about this situation. Something has to be going on with him.

Like the other moms were saying, it sounds like there's some sort of trauma or emotional stress going on, cause that's definitely not normal for a teenager. It might not be anything horrible, but just stressful enough to be making him very insecure. I agree with the pediatrician/counselor visit. Good luck!

I also agree with Lydia! If your son is not having other problems, I'd just let him sleep on your floor once a week, as before. As long as it isn't creating a problem between you and your husband.

And, try not to pay attention to anyone who says "that isn't normal". If it works for your family, go with it! You're blessed to have a teenager who loves you so much.

I can relate because we have the exact same scenario with my daughter. SHe is 13 and has almost always slept with me. SHe just did not want to sleep in her bedroom. The only places she would sleep were in my bed with me and the living room. SHe would always say she was scared of her room or something. MY DOC said there was nothing wrong with that. Especially because we never took the time to teach them to sleep in their own rooms. I think with my daughter it was a security thing... she is finally starting to sleep in her room. I talked to her about she is getting way too old to be sleeping with her parents. I started out by staying with her til she fell asleep. Of course I fell asleep in there too quite a few times.

You need to get to the root and find out why. It may be time to talk to someone...counselor etc...

Sounds like the sleep issue is a symptom of something else. Time to get to the bottom of the root of the problem.

I know you may feel hesitant to go the counseling route, but, believe me, as hard as it is to face what really may be going on, it's time to do what is best for your son. Prepare for him to resist going, but know you need to get this straightened out for his own welfare.

Your not alone my 14 yr old would sleep on the couch every night if we would let him! My 13 yr old now sleeps in his room and they hate each other but they need each other at night. We have some strange fears going on at our house 1 of which is windows. So I have stapled a carpet over the window. That has helped tons we also now have dogs and we let one of the dogs sleep in a creat in his room.

Dear A.:

Talk to your son's pediatrician to get a referral for a counselor. Your son is feeling very insecure about something and needs some guidance. My daughter is 13 also, and has only come into our bedroom once in the last couple of years with a very frightening dream. I'm concerned about your son, kids that age should be getting very independent.

L. F., mom to a 13-year-old daughter

I lean towards thinking it may have roots in a deeper issue, or it may just be that he is taking extra long to work through this developmental stage. You might take him to a play therapist (they work with older children, too) for a few sessions, to see if anything comes out that needs to be resolved. Check out www.dristre.com as a potential place to consider (The Center for Social Success).

Otherwise, I would be patient and let him sleep in my room, and trust that he will grow out of it in time. There is a lot going on at that age that may be so unconscious, he would never be able to talk about it. Having the peace of mind at night that he can at least be near you and get good sleep may be the best thing for him. Might has well make him comfortable - how about putting down a sleeping bag?

Another thought is to slowly wean him back into his room. Tie it in with the offer of something unusual and special (maybe a new iPod?) but make it very attainable. If he sleeps in his room 1 night per week for 3 weeks, he has earned x number of points. As he builds, he continues to earn points, until he reaches the amount of points it takes to get the iPod. If he earns the iPod and then starts sleeping in your room all the time again, I would take it back and start over. But if he earns it and just occasionally sleeps in your room, I wouldn't make a big deal over it. Whatever you do, it's not worth traumatizing him by completely blocking him from your room, IMHO. :) Good luck! I have a seven year old who used to do this alot, and I think it will be a recurring theme with her, given her personality/temperament.

Okay, he's just a little old for that. I'd get him in to see a counselor/therapist/etc. ASAP(or at least his pediatrician). Maybe he has been through some type of traumatic experience that you don't know about? If it turns out to be nothing other than he wants to sleep in th eroom with mommy and daddy, lock your door - that's ridiculous. good luck!

a co-worker of mine had a similar problem with his 11 year old son. they started paying him $1 to sleep in his room every night, and on nights he slept in their room he had to pay his parents back $2.
maybe something to think about?