At What Point Would You Take Action? Kids Always Come Home a Mess.

There is a very fine line between being genuinely worried and just being un-happy with his level of care. If you ask yourself honestly where you stand and then answer yourself honestly (this is the key) how much of this is a real genuine issue and how much of this could be drama?
---->Please keep reading, I am NOT blaming or bashing you in anyway!!!

You can of course document everything....but if you know in your heart that he is a good person who *loves* his kids (you picked him for a reason once upon a time, don't you have any of that love or trust left?) and that he isn't going to do anything to actually *harm* them then I say you leave this be. It sounds like this separation is something relatively new??... and with all new situations, it takes time to get things running smoothly on both ends.

What is your end goal? You mention the courts...do you not want him to have time and access with his children? If your end goal is too just make sure they are fed and well cared for and you honestly don't think that he has the ability to do that then by all means proceed with whatever it takes to fix it....but if you think he will eventually find his groove as a single dad, then maybe start by being helpful? Can you guys communicate without fighting? If so, ask him if he needs help. Can you send along some healthy snacks? Remind him that they have clean clothes and their tooth brushes in their bags? Ask him ***nicely*** to 'help' you keep them in their routines to brush their teeth before bed and after breakfast? You can of course, remind the kids to change their clothes, they are old enough at 6 & 4 to know they need to get up and get dressed.

~My very best advice and I mean this ***whole-heartedly*** is to look within and try to remind yourself of what made you fall in love with him in the first place, try to get back to the place in your mind where you were when you decided you wanted to have these children with him in the first place....get to that good place and then have a nice (NOT confrontational!!) conversation with him about what your fears and concerns are thus far.

I think everything will be OK D.. He probably just needs time and help with striking that perfect balance on how to be a single Dad, try to cut him some slack....*most* men are not as naturally good at all this 'nurturing' stuff as us Mommys are! Your sweet children deserve to have both a Mom and a Dad who love them and most importantly are not fighting with each other over everything!

((Big Hugs))

so they stay for only one night and come home unbathed? Or 3? because my kids only shower every other day, in fact any more is bad for your skin. and luckily for you at 4 and 6 if they are really hungry they can speak up, they will not starve. Talk to the kids about remembering to brush their teeth, hair is no big deal, and as long as the kids are not in any danger then let things be.

What do mean by "has a general attitude towards them that is usually pretty awful" That's very vague. Does he WANT the kids to visit or is it a big pain in his neck?
Does he have food they like in his kitchen?
Have you tried talking to him about this?
I would give my kids sticker charts for brushing their teeth twice a day starting NOW and them pack those sticker charts with stickers! Sadly, many kids have to learn at a young age to do these things themselves and to care for younger siblings , start working on that at home. Teach the six yr old to make pb and j sandwiches, to pour cereal and milk. Send them with apples, pears, bananas or clementines, something they like.

Eventually they learn. Unfortunately nothing you have listed would compel the court to make changes. Accidents happen and kids if you let them get smelly.

I have gone through five years of this and now that my kids are 11 and 13 they clean themselves, brush their teeth without asking and tend to do the more crazy things at my house....

I have a very good attorney so know this on my dime, the court will not take action for accidents and dirty kids.

Document everything. Take pictures.

All you can do is take him to court and modify the custody agreement based upon his neglectful behavior.

I would have already documented all of this. That will be the first part of action that you need to take.

You can not just say to the court.. this is what happens.. especially now that he is going for the full week.. the court will say, well why is this just comming up now?

Take Pictures with dates etc.. document, document, document.

He takes a shower but doesn't give them one? He doesn't have them change clothes? Does he let them sleep?

I would document, document, document. Talk to your lawyer. I too would be worried over a whole week if this is what they are like after less than 24 hours.

If he does end up getting them for an uninterrupted week, send a backpack with snacks that they can eat themselves. single serve cereals, nurti grain bars, crackers, wet ones, waterless toothbrushes.

I'd still talk to your legal counsel. If dad isn't up to the task of proper hygiene or care, what's his reason for wanting visitation?

There are weekends where I've worn my pajamas all day the following day since I didn't go out. That's not a big deal. The food thing needs an issue. But I would talk to whoever is in charge of the OK'ing the longer time and tell them about your concerns, specific to medicine and food. Document it all and don't assume the courts would laugh about hygene. It may not make a difference, but at least you are doing something to get it on record in some way.

I totally understand where you are coming from! My SD used to come back from her mom's 4-day weekend in the SAME underwear, and she didn't brush her teeth or bathe all weekend. She was 6 at the time.

You can train your 6-year old on what to do, but the 4-year old is hard.

I would tell my SD that she would get a treat if she changed her underwear. I wrote the days of the week on her underwear with a sharpie and I would send her to her mom's with Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Then I would check to see if she wore the underwear. That seemed to help a little bit.

As far as bathing, not much I could do. She was too young to take a bath unsupervised so I would just make sure she got in the tub as soon as I picked her up, and I would use that spray to detangle her hair that hadn't been brushed. When she got older, I would check to see if she took a shower.

I would feed your kids before you drop them off, and feed them again when you pick them up. Put some snacks in their overnight bag.

As far as bathing and brushing teeth--overnight isn't going to hurt them much. I did buy my SD a special toothbrush to take to her mom's house that she seemed to like to use so that made her brush her teeth.

I'm not sure what you could do about it except document it and then use that to make sure he doesn't get an uninterrupted week. Can you talk to your ex about a routine? We wrote down my SD's routine on a card and shared it with her mom. She didn't follow it, but at least we tried!

kids dont need to be bathed EVERY night or changed clothes if its J. 12 hours. Sometimes we'll fall asleep in clothes from the day and go to breakfast before changing. if he has them short periods thats not too bad,

If he only had them 3 nights a month, maybe he assumed you bathed them? also for threee nights a month of skipping brishing teeth isnt bad either and can be fixed by simply making it habit for your kids and sending them with a toothbrush,. when i have my nieces sleepover they grab their toothbrushes and brush their teeth without being told. make it habit that they do it on their own at your house and they will there too. I'm sure things will be diferent when he has them 1/2 time and not J. 3 nights a month

You can petition the courts to reduce parenting time and explain those reasons to them. You could also write out a schedule for him to help him remember. Then you'd have to sit down with him and go over the schedule. If he refuses, then go to the courts and petition to reduce parenting time and explain why it is in the kids best interest to have it reduced

He's not being a good caretaker for your children which means that you probably did everything while you were still married. It don't pop into his head to do things because someone always magically did them. Asking him won't work since he's got a blind eye toward anyone's needs other than his own.

Can you work with your 6 yr old on doing things like brushing his/her teeth and hair? Maybe having him/her in charge of the 4 yr old for these small tasks? You can start practicing at home having the 6 yr old run the routine every day and hopefully it'll carry through to their visit with their father.

As far as his week with the kids mention in a non judgmental way that if something comes up he can give the kids back early. That way if he gets tired or overwhelmed he can cut his visit short. That'll be a win/win since he'll get out of spending time with them and you won't have to worry about their care.