Another Toddler with Bad Manners

Sharing isn't something children understand until around 36 months. For most situations like this it is appropriate to model the desired behavior, distract, redirect, or remove. If you have ECFE classes available they can be hugely helpful in understanding what is developmentally appropriate behavior so you can know how to respond.

I think you did the right thing. All you can do with kids that age is distract them or remove them from the situation. The other boy's mom is right too though. 20 mo olds don't understand sharing. That being said, when my son was that age I would still make him give back the toy and tell him we need to share. Even if he doesn't understand it you're making an attempt to be polite to the other parent and child.

Ok here's my two cents... I am a little shocked that so many made the leap from 20 month old baby to bully. We are talking about a 1 1/2 year old baby here. His mother is right he doesn't understand how to share...yet. Also your 7 month old cannot conceivably be taught to stick up for himself at this age (strange advice). This was playing as far as I am concerned. Maybe not the best way mind you, but probably the first time the 20 month old has been around other babies too. He is not mean or a bully, he is just learning.

My advice to you is first, set your infant with the other infants, but sit right there with him. Hand him another toy if one gets dropped or taken away, at seven months your child doesn't really know the difference yet and is easily distracted with a different toy. If this other baby still remembers you next time you are there and sits with your baby, sit there with them, hand them both a toy at the same time. If he takes your baby's toy you say "trade" and switch toys, or hand your baby a new one. Babies learn how to play with each other, they don't just know. Sitting with him will help him learn. This sounds like it was a very normal playtime for one's so young. Moving your child to a different spot was a fine way to handle things too. I wouldn't expect a 4 month to 2 year age group to play well without you all sitting right there to help them. I think I would be more worried about the older babies stepping on the littler babies than sharing at these ages.

Thanks, V.

This sounds like my life right now! I have a 3 year old and a 14 month old and every time my little one picks up a toy, my 3 year old yanks it away. It's a constant struggle to teach her to share. The mom in this situation should be trying to show her son how to share and interrupting when he does this. Although, he probably won't understand and will probably keep doing it. All you can do is continue to remove your son from the situation and maybe she'll notice. You really can't control what she does.

Toddlers do have a hard time sharing, but just like every other good thing they learn, it needs to be repeated about a zillion times. (Of course, the bad things they pick up easily!)
My kids are 23 months old and 7 months old, and my older child can share when she wants to. Don't feel bad about removing your child from the situation or saying something (I'd be polite, though.) to the mother of the other child.

I agree completely with Vicki D. They are both just babies, but if I was the mother of the 20 month old I would have taken the toy away and givin it back to the 7 month old (but thats just me), but it still doesn't mean the 20 month baby is a bully and the mother just may have never been in that situation before so maybe she wasn't sure how to handle it, so instead she laughed about it. I wouldn't worry to much about it at this age, your child will probably do this at sometime in his life also all you can do is try your best to teach right from worng and one day they will catch on, just not at 7 months or at 20 months, sharing is something they just won't always do this young.

A.,
There's not much you can do, especially when you don't know the other mom or the other child. If the other mom's not stepping in, and the child has taken a bunch of toys away, feel free to stick up for your child by saying something like, "No no, honey, let's let Jack have a turn with this toy now and you can have it next." That might get the mom's attention and alert her to the fact that you're not okay with her child's behavior. I don't think you can really say anything to the mom about teaching her child to share, since maybe she is trying and is just unsure how to go about it. Sometimes parents like to just let children work it out themselves; however, this doesn't do much to teach them sharing! As another mom said, get used to this, and be ready for when your little boy starts trying it out with others!!

Just wait til your son is walking and you to a playground. The bigger meaner kid syndrome never really goes away. At 7mos.old it is totally unfair your son can't stick up for himself or even defend himself. I personally would have said something because that other little boy's mom should have apologized and gave the toy back but she didn't in that case you move your son far away from him so the bullying doesn't continue. And this will happen at the playground when your son is 15mos.old and then when he's a preschooler and schoolage it doesn't really better or go away. So you have to teach your son how to stick up for himself, and learn how to say something outloud so the other mom's get the point but you don't get in a confrontation with them. A good one I do with my oldest daughter is I will tell her to go tell the other little boy or girl how it made her feel so she will walk up to let's say Billy and say "Excuse me I didn't like that you stole my bucket" or whatever. You can do that at around 2 years old in smaller simpler words.

My kiddos are 9mos. and 7yrs.old and other peoples kids are hard because we all parent differently and alot of parents think they're kids do no wrong. I may think a 2 yr.old should beable to share and you may think that skill isn't important or implemented til age 4. That's why you have to think of creative ways for you and your children to handle it. For me I'm a smartass and will say something outloud like "Wow that boy in the green shirt is sure in a hurry he knocked your baby sister over" I'll make sure his parents get the drift if they are being lazy with supervising or disciplining.

Hi A.! In my opinion the toddler isn't the one with bad manners, it's his mommy! Shari G. was right when she said that sharing is a learned behavior. It's his mom's job to teach him. She may be just clueless so YOU can feel free to retrieve the toy from the toddler and return it to your son and say, "He was playing with that." OR keep doing what you did and move. Mabey that will gently help the other mom realize that she can help her son play well with other kids.

I no longer worry so much about how any one may respond if I deeply feel correction needs to be done. I just simply and gently tell the parent that a child at this age SHOULD have a sense of sharing and if I don't get a good response from the parent then I turn to both my child and the other and explain how something works. If the parent doesn't like it then she should have done it herself when asked/told. When it comes to making sure your child is safe and teaching them proper manners sometimes we need to show them what is improper so they know NOT to do those things without consequence, both natural and imposed. Some people may view this as unacceptable but as long as the comments are properly directed you ARE doing what is best for your child. You can't move your child all the time and when your child gets old enough they will need to know how to stand up for themselves. I have 5 children of my own, ages 11,13,15,17 3/4,28. And 2 grandchildren 4, 7. The 15 year old boy gets along with almost everyone but usually won't tell people like coaches, teachers what they really are interested in and would like to do. He usually tells his coaches "wherever you want me". He loves to play so to a point it really doesn't matter to him where but he would really like to play specific positions then whines to us when he doesn't get to. His coaches see this but instead of making him speak up they keep hoping he will. They also will NOT put him in where they knew he likes to go AND is good at just to try to get him to speak up to them just that. He's a great kid but not very assertive outside the home; lesson still trying to teach him. We and they don't want him to demand his way but just ask if he can do something he really wants.

I think you did the exact right thing - I might have added that it was time for the 20 month old to start to learn about sharing or that this wasn't an example of sharing, that it was instead an example of early bullying. Totally normal, bullying, of course, but one which that mother is encouraging rather than discouraging. Your seven month old has no way of "defending" himself, or even of getting the toy back.

Keep it up - it will get easier and better for both of you and storytime is an important, wonderful activity for your son!

Good luck!

A.,

I think you handled it correctly. Part of growing up is having to deal with difficult children who have parents uninterested in teaching them right from wrong. It's a necessary preparation for dealing with difficult adults when they become adults, too.

Because your child is only seven months, the group is more for you than it is for him. If it is too hard, you can wait until he is older to expose him to playgroups. Or you can find a smaller group or a different group. Or you can just keep an eye on things and step in if other children get out of hand with your son and relocate him.

You can talk to the mom, but chances are it won't do any good. Sometimes moms don't see it and appreciate being told. Sometimes moms don't get that it's a problem and appreciate being told. But sometimes moms just don't care and nothing anyone can do will change their philosophy on how to parent their children. There is no benefit in trying or getting worked up over it; you just find other places for your child to play.

Good luck,
S.

I don't know if I lost this before so if a repeat I'm sorry. sadly your son has ran into a child who is old enough to know what sharing is but a parent who thinks it is "cute' for her child to take toys away from a much younger child (sounds like a bully in the making to me). You did the right thing by moving your son away from the problem. As he gets older he'll need to know that there are people out there like this child (only older)but with your help he'll know this isn't the right thing to do and he'll do the right thing with your help. right now this is easy for you by moving your son but in time he'll have to know how to deal with people like that and not fighting.
with your help he'll be just fine.
As I assume you'll be around this family again I wish you luck.

Ooh! I just can't stand Mom's like that!
I would just watch closely and as he grabs it I'd grab it too and say "please don't take his toys, you'll make him cry", and then say thank you as you give it back to your son.
Hope this helps,
J.
Mom to 4, ages 7, 5.5, 5, and 3, plus foster kids :o)

A.,
You did the right thing. Just get up and move. These ages are unpredictible and if the toddler's mom wasn't going to redirect her child you would only bring in hard feelings if you said something negative about her boy. Next time don't sit near this child OR you may prepare yourself to be pro-active. If he takes the toy you can speak up and say "wow, you like that toy too!" "Can we find one that is even better for you," or maybe "do you want to share a toy with my son, how about if you toss a ball to eachother?!" This may even give the other mom some ideas of her own to use when it happens in other situations.

Personally I would have said "John (the other boy), Tommy (your son) was playing with that first. You can have a turn when Tommy is done." If he still doesn't give it up then ask him to find your son a toy to trade.

I've done that many times with the friends in our group and it goes both ways. The 20 mth old should be learning to share by now and the Mom may not know how to help teach it. You just need to keep it light and friend with no threatening over tones and the Mom might not even catch that your discipling her child.

Your son also needs to learn to stick up for himself and when he can't he needs to know that you will. So if he sees you "run" away from a situation it will take him longer to learn how to deal with things like that. I know that you don't want to ruffle feathers at first, but don't let your kid get stepped on by a bully. Fight for him just like you would if someone was taking something of yours from you.

Good Luck.

I would sit with your baby and if another child takes your son's toy say nicely to the child who took the toy "your son is playing with that toy right now. Can he have it back or can you find another toy you can trade him for it? It makes him sad when you take his toy away." Hopefully the boy will comply and his mother will be watching and get that she needs to be helping to teach her son to share.

At 20 months he is not being a bully. This is natural behavior that should be corrected so he can learn how to play nicely with others. Stand up for your child, but do it in a nice way. You will need to do it time and time again as he goes through his young life.

Hi A. - we had this EXACT same thing happen with my daughter and the daughter of a friend. It made things doubly hard since I didn't want to get crossways with my friend, but she too just laughed and pushed it off as "not knowing how to share" and "being two". My poor little one was getting to the point of having a meltdown after a whole day of this, so I simply started intervening on my own. When my friend's child would take something away from mine, I would walk over, and in a kind voice say "Elle, Cora was playing with that. Can you give it back to her please?" Then I would take it out of the child's hand and give it back to my daughter. Then I would redirect by saying "Elle, would you like *this* doll (or block, or book, etc) to play with?" The first time the little girl was shocked into submission. The second time she threw a fit. But we only had to do it one or two more times after that before she got the picture!

Best of luck!

I have seen it both ways...when my son was younger, there were times when his cousins would grab a toy out of his hand and he would start crying but they were still happy about it...in those cases, I would ask the child to please give me the toy, and hand it back to your son and say "that wasn't very nice. He was playing with that. It's baby's turn right now you can have it when he is done." If the other child grabs it again, take it away and say "if we can't share, the toy is going in time out" And put the toy away for a few minutes. Usually that works. It is the parents job to teach their child but sometimes they just don't take the initiative and you still should stick up for your son.

Now, on the other side...my son is not quite 18 months, and he has taken toys away from other kids many times! As soon as he sees a child playing with a toy he starts yelling "my my my". As his parent, when he does that, I say "no honey that is not yours. you have your own toys to play with. Let's try this [try to direct him to another toy or activity]". If he grabs a toy from another child's hand, I take it from him and say "no honey that is not nice. He/she was playing with that" "let's give it back" and I have him hand it back and I have him give the other child a hug since he can't say sorry yet. Those techniques usually work, but if they don't, I would remove my son from the situation altogether. I would definitely not just let him get away with it! I have been teaching my son this way for 5 months now. That mother has no excuse with a 20 month old!
That kind of situation will happen over and over again and you just have to take care of it yourself, because you can't change how other people parent their children

Control what you can in a situation in the case you can not control what another parent does/does not do but you can control where your child is so removing your child is a polite way of handling it.

Another mom suggested taking the toy away from the other child, that only works if you know the other mom and child. This solution also could bring out a defensiveness or confrontation from the other mom so be ready to handle that if you decide to take the toy back from the other child. This could also get led to you being asked to leave a group for 'disciplining' another child without the mother's consent.

I know that kids two years old and under have a hard time understanding sharing BUT that does not mean the parent should just let their child take away toys and they should not laugh about it that sends the wrong message to a child. I worked with my daughter in a playgroup on how to share and she understood by 20 months (not always happy about it but she understood) so it is not impossible just have to work at it.

Sharing is a LEARNED behavior not a natural one. This mother isn't teaching her son to share and he will continue being this way until someone teaches him to do so. I disagree that a child can't learn to share at a early age, my kids shared from the time they were old enough to be told "no, he was playing with it, we don't take away" and while they didn't always like sharing, it was nessessary to teach that. My granddaughter shared pretty early also. What I always do in a situation like you came across is take the matter into my own hands. When someone took something from my children that they were playing with, I would take it back and give it back to my child and say "he had it first, you may NOT take it away from him but you can play with it when he is done with it" If the mother doesn't like it then too bad, she should have been the one who taught the manners to her child, your job is to watch over and protect your child, even from other children.