Another Child - Boca Raton,FL

I can't think of anything that would "convince" someone of that when they've got their mind made up. I have two daughters, 3 and 4, and I love them more than anything in the world, but there's nothing that would convince me that another baby in this house would be the best gift - no way.

I think you need to speak to him regarding why he feels he is done. Is it financial? Does he feel like he has all the stress and worry that he can handle? What about if he feels that he kids you have together provide him with all the joy and fulfillment he needs? I think you need to also think about why you are stuck on that number 3. Did you have 3 kids in your family? Are you trying for another gender? What would happen if the child was sick...how would that impact your family. There is a lot to think about and talk about.

So many young mothers and fathers face this struggle, no matter who in the relationship wants the additional kids. It's always sad to watch from the outside, because both parties are in pain, believing they are not understood or heard. But sometimes it's possible to come closer to peace and understanding by two means:

1. Stand in the other person's shoes for awhile. Find out what it means to them to have another child in terms of their own longings, their view of the future, the ideal pictures in their heads, their fears and concerns. I think it's easy to see how a man would be completely out of order to insist that his wife have another child if she didn't have the stamina, energy, heart, or other heroic resources for it. It is so much harder for women to understand that for a man, especially a responsible one, the thought of another child can be just as overwhelming (particularly in these uncertain economic times.)

2. Practice mindful, deliberate appreciation for what is already available to us. This takes us out of our histories, out of the past, and out of a future which may never arrive. It puts us squarely into our lives. We usually discover there is so much richness right here that our longings, fears and hopes become far less significant. Happiness and satisfaction increase exponentially. And living in a wished-for future blinds us to how much joy and sheer amazement exist now. Now is the only moment that is real, and too often our thoughts and desires keep us from experiencing it.

There are always reasons to have another child. There are as many reasons not to have another. If your discussions with your husband don't make it past reasons, probably the best you'll be able to do is compromise, which is, unfortunately, another way to describe a win/lose situation. I sure wouldn't want to be a win/lose baby. I hope you can find a way to be content with however many children you have.

Sorry, can't help you on this one. Perhaps you should find out why your husband is done, and consider his feelings. While I believe all children are a gift, not everyone is ready for, or wants another. These little people come with enormous responsiblility and expense, and that should not be cast upon anyone who isn't ready or wanting it. You may find it would be better to be thankful for the gifts you have instead of asking for more.

With all of that said, as a mother of more than two I would like to give you some things to consider as the leap from two to three is bigger than most think about.

No matter the age or gender, you will need another bedroom. You will no longer fit in the average family car, mini van time. When the youngest is no longer a baby you will no longer be able to rent the standard hotel room on vacation, so vacations will be MUCH more expensive. Should you go to an amusement park, no more one child with mom, one with dad. No taking advantage of "family of four" deals, they charge almost as much for the third child as they do for all four put together. There will always be an odd man out with three children, sad, but true. You will instantly gain a "middle child", challenges all their own. I could go on all day, but you get the idea. Think about it before you make the leap, as your decision affects the ENTIRE family.

I would hesistate to encourage anyone to try to talk a spouse into something he says he does not want. Had he been open to three originally? Do twins run in your family? Is he thinking more practically with a smaller car, cheaper vacations, general expenses, child care? After our second my husband was so sure he did not want more that we donated everything. Our youngest is almost 2 and we are trying for our third. He brought it up after I told him my hormones were settled and I thought that I would be content not to have more (finally--when I weaned I went through horrible baby-withdrawl). He just got kind of moody and said he actually pictured us with one more child. There are no clear-cut arguments in favor of having children. Numbers are always very personal. When we were "making the decision" we were realizing that every other choice we make (car, jobs, where to live) involves comparisons and discussions. Children are completely irrational. They are noisy, smelly, cost money, they don't make money, they take up space, their toys take up space, they take your sleep, eat your food, make messes, and accidently break things. But, they are part of who we are, they are part of our family, we love them unconditionally, and for some crazy reason they love us. They are most excited to see us in the morning or say goodnight with "one more kiss, please!!!" You cannot rationally sit down and "make a case" for a child. You have to dearly want to create one more life, to share that life with your other children so they have another sibling to love, to grow with, to learn from, to make memories with, to share holidays with, to get advice from, and to have sibling fights with. I agree that children are an amazing gift, and I hope that we are expecting our next one soon, but other than appealing to his sense of family and looking down the road (I actually asked my husband once how many children he saw around the Christmas tree...pathetic, I know) you could just keep mentioning it once in a while and let him know you're content but that if he ever reaches a point knowing he wants more children, you will happy to grow your family.

I can't tell you how to convince him. My husband came around twice more. But I talked about it off and on for years and it took 10 years the last time for him to decide.

I do want to tell you that there is little chance that a 3rd child will be enough. What I really mean to say is that for some of us, no amount is never enough. When you have 3, it's just so easy to have 4. If my husband was up for it, I'd have many more. I'm 43 years old and so conflicted. I know that I'm not having more, have dreams all the time about trying to convince him again. And all the while I can't wait for menopause to come and go. Intelectually and physically, I'm ready to rid myself of the whole mess of childbearing years, hormones, periods, and longings. But my mother is 65, has been done with menopause for about 6 years or so and still has dreams and misses having babies. I am her baby. It's been 43 years! She still would have another if she was younger, married, and healthy enough.

Be happy with the children you do have. If your husband doesn't want another one and you force it on him it could destroy your marriage. God gave you two hands for two children. A lot of people believe the saying you shouldn't have anymore children then you have hands for. Another child may not be the best gift...it could be a nightmare..you could have a problem pregnancy, the baby could be born with serious problems, your husband may not be able to handle having a 3rd. child around. Thisi s something you should have discussed with your husband before you were ever married...Enjoy the two you have and give them all your love. If you are meant to have another child God will take care of it for you..

IMHO the only entity who can change someone's heart is God. So if it were me (and it has been me - have had the same situation) I would pray fervently that God would intervene in my husband's heart and mind.

In the meantime I would do my best to never complain about housework, daily stresses, etc. (not that you do it - but I have) so that my husband then thinks (logically) "why add another responsibility to our lives?" And finally I would go out of my way to make time for my husband. I have found that he really wants to be a priority in my life.

My husband finally agreed but then we found out my ovaries weren't working much anymore! So . . . I know that God will work all this out for His Purpose, on His time!

Good luck to you - if your heart cries out for another baby, do your very best to make it happen! I so dearly regret not trying harder, sooner.

The experts say that it is not a good idea to have a child without both parents being "on board" - it could cause significant problems in your relationship and the family dynamic as a whole if you have a child against one of the parent's wishes.