Am I Wrong for Wanting to Cook in My Own House?

You are not wrong. He probably just enjoys cooking for everyone and thinks he's giving the gift of cooking! Maybe you can tell him you've decided you would like to cook next time or maybe even share in it. You could share what dishes you'd like to do and name some of his most well loved dishes and ask him to still cook those! If it can be a shared thing everyone wins:) If you truly want to do it all...just tell him and make it light-hearted. Say you are going to take on the dinner next time to see if you pull off the amazing feats he's impressed everyone with all these years. It might be an opportunity to compliment him and help him pass the batton...or gravey boat as the case may be:)

Hi...we don't celebrate Christmas, but I have a suggestion/possible solution? When my husband and I got married, we made a decision that every other year we would spend Passover and Thanksgiving with his family, and then my family. Neither of my parents are alive, so it was important to me that my kids learn the traditions that I grew up with as well as to be with family. So, in addition to alternating, when it is our turn to be with his family, his mom (after explaining my concern) has asked me to pick one dish that was from my family. Perhaps you (or your husband) can explain to your fil that you would like to make sure that traditions from your side of the family are important to you - perhaps he would understand? And you could either collaborate on the meal or alternate who preps in consecutive years?

i agree with patricia. So many people get stressed out trying to make the day perfect. When was the last time any day was perfect, much less one with this many expectations. Lower your stress levels: you might have christmas be a day just for your family, no visiting relatives, no company etc. or maybe ease into it, no company before 4 pm or what ever. Have him make some of the food at his house, to bring over. and it "just so happens" that you have whatever traditional food your family does ready to go, just needs to be warmed up for dinner. If he is still going to cook in your kitchen, don't let him kick you out of it if you need to go in it. It's still your kitchen. Plus make sure he cleans up after himself if he doesn't.

Bottom line: reduce your expectations to have the perfect day, and don't over schedule it.

No, you're not wrong. But it's hard to "switch" traditions if FIL has been the Holiday Cookmaster for years. If it's that important to you, you need to let your hubby know, and he needs to let dad know that you'd like to have a new tradition - BUT, and this is just my feeling - why not let FIL keep his day, and start your own Christmas Eve tradition?

I'm not trying to minimize your frustration, but so many people get stressed out by the "day" not being perfect that it's ruined for them. My family is spread out and we always did Christmas with one side, then a few days later did a big "other side" Christmas, so to me Christmas doesn't just fit into one day - it can go anywhere from Christmas Eve to New Years.

Creat your holiday, spread the joy out! Heck, the kids will probably love the extended family fun and gift giving :)

Merry Christmas!

I know this is after the fact, but just wondering... is he the kind of guy who 'finds his place' at a social gathering by cooking? I have a dear friend who is never happier than when he is cooking for friends, and it was interesting (at some gatherings) to observe his father, who is the same way. They both aren't as comfortable in the milieu of the social event, but kitchen work and cooking give them both structure and direction-- take them out of there, and watch the awkwardness set in. Just a thought....

Hope it was a great meal.
H.

Its not wrong. Let everyone know that next year you are cooking exclusively and you want everyone to enjoy themselves by sitting down, visiting, playing with the kids etc. If he tries to take over then, gently remind him this is your deal, your christmas dinner and that you don't want help. If he doesn't get it then, have your hubby shoo him out of the kitchen.

M

No, you are not selfish. I just had my inlaws here and the same thing happens. I ended up sitting in my bedroom watching a movie until everybody was out of the kitchen. I know, that is a bit much. I would never go in to my inlaws house though and just take over. It drives me nuts. Mine is not a helping thing though, it is a control thing. Do you think yours is more of feeling the need to help or control?

EDITED...I had a typo! Your are NOT wrong but just a thought...is he trying to take over or just trying to help? Either way, how about saying "Thanks for helping Dad but please relax and just visit....I want to take care of this." If he is trying to take take over, you may need to be a bit more assertive. "Dad, I know you are trying to help but I really want to handle this. It is important to me to handle the food prep/cooking for Christmas. Please just visit". If he wants to help still, give him something he can do.

Don't let him take over.

Not wrong at all to want things your way in your own home! If you FIL insists on cooking, tell him to cook at his house and bring it over. Correction - have your husband tell him because it's his father. Also have your husband tell his father that he is your guest and you want your guests to relax and let you do the cooking. End of story. This WILL go your way b/c it's your house!!

You aren't wrong! It's hard to share a kitchen. I always have trouble with that during the holidays and at parties. I don't mind so much if someone jumps in and helps me with what I'm doing but it really throws me off my game if someone is making their own dishes at the same time I'm cooking. I think it's cause I clean up while I cook and I just get a beat going if I'm alone. When I was younger, my mother used to question everything I was doing - that was the worst of all. Fortunately, I finally worked that out with her! It sounds like you and your FIL worked something out, too - that's good - I just wanted you to know that you're perfectly normal. There's a lot of us who just prefer to do it alone.

Absolutely not wrong. I'm the same way. I've seen your responses before so I get the impression that you are a pretty straightforward person. If that's the case, then I'm sure that you have already spoken with your FIL about this before. If I were you, I'd suggest that you alternate houses each year to celebrate Christmas, if that is even possible, and when it is at your in-law's house, they do it there way, when it is at your house, you do it your's. And I'd just stand firm to that. That sounds fair to me. Hopefully they will see it this way as well.

Merry Christmas.

It would help to know if he takes over, cooking what you've planned but still working with you or does he bring the food and literally not want you in the kitchen or something in between.

It's never wrong to want to do what you want. It's wrong to insist that your way is the only way. That just doesn't work. I suggest that you find a way to work with your fil. It's too late to change much for this year but during the year you can talk diplomatically with him about how you'd like it to be next year.

For this year you can work on changing your attitude. Start by accepting that this is the way it is this year and see if you can make some small changes that help you feel better without hurting his feelings. If you haven't talked with him about how you feel about this situation already, it's too much to expect that he knows how you feel. People cannot read our minds.

Think good thoughts about your fil and dinner. If you want to help, insist that you do so. Tell him that you appreciate him cooking and that you'd like to do such and such as the day goes along. Perhaps turn the whole deal into something fun. Call him the head chef with a smile in your voice and on your face. Fake it until you make it. Ask him what he wants you to do or tell him what you, as the sous chef, is going to do. Make the best of the situation for this Christmas.

Then during the year have several conversations with him, outlining how you'd like next year to go. If possible find a way let him do some of the cooking. My Dad loved to cook the turkey. He took pride in getting up early to put it in the oven. He'd involve my Mom and me in making the dressing, peeling the potatoes. The granddaughter set the table. It was a family affair and loads of togetherness fun. This wouldn't have worked if any of us felt that we had to be the head chef. Our attitude was that this was a family dinner put together by the family.

If you want to do the whole thing by yourself, wow! That's a tremendously big job that keeps you away from socializing. Perhaps you just want to be head chef and that's OK. It is your kitchen. IF that's the case when it comes close to Christmas ask your fil what he envisions for Christmas dinner and the two of you decide on the menu. You diplomatically let him know that you're going to be the head chef and that you'll appreciate his help.

First you'll have to find a way to get rid of your anxiety over dinner. Change your attitude to one of co-operation before you approach him and this should work out much better.

If you don't want him in the kitchen at all, tell him so diplomatically. Be open to the family making different plans. You'll be changing tradition and this is difficult to do without hard feelings. Say that you want to fix dinner but be willing to do it at a different time. Make compromises so that everyone can have a say and be happy.

Not at all. So about a day before he arrives cook everything that can be frozen that you want to present for dinner Christmas day. This can include the Turkey. Carve the Turkey, freeze it and all else. Then when your father-in=law arrives show him the freezer full of Christmas dinner just waiting to be microwaved or heated however you wish.
What petty about wanting to show you children how your family does a special celebration dinner.

Tell him ahead of time you want to take over next year. Have you cooked before for them? Not to be rude but they may not like how you cook.