Am I Going to Be the Grandmother or the Parent?

Unfortunately, most college students at 21 can't realize how much her life is going to change or things she needs to do to prepare for motherhood.

She probably has no idea how expensive a baby can be. Nor how much time it will takes and how disruptive (and admittedly rewarding) motherhood can be to a twenty something's life plans (and perspective on life). You know, because you've done it before...

The father might continue to be in his child's life (let's hope so); hopefully he can continue financial support, however he also might be deployed somewhere long-term, which means, essentially she's a single mom and probably won't be able to call on him or his family (or won't feel comfortable?) for the daily childcare needs of the baby. (I'm not knocking single moms, just acknowledging its so much harder when you're the only one rowing the boat.)

Since you are still semi-supporting her, the reality is that you might be the one who ultimately has to take on more than just a grandmother role... maybe you're in for a part-time mother role? Maybe she'll ask to depend on you for daily child care when she discovers how expensive daycare is, but necessary for a student's class schedule and homework demands? I assume adoption (or open adoption, which would allow her/you to have knowledge/contact with the baby?) is out of the question....? Sorry if I sound pessimistic. It just sounds like a demanding next 5 years for the both of you... or should i say, the three of you.

Hi J.,

I wanted to let you know that I completely understand where you are coming from. I'm a planner and like to have everything all worked out and be prepared for every different scenario so I know it's totally frustrating when someone you're close to won't even make the effort to prepare a little bit for the big things. First off, you should decide what you are willing/able to do for your daughter and this baby. Be specific (houses, insurance, baby items, child care, and medical & living expenses) and let her know the ways that you will be able to help out. If you decide that you can only help out by being a loving grandmother that babysits every now and then, then that's fine, but let her know b/c she will need to figure out how to make up the difference on her own. However, I would also suggest that for the time being do NOT make any big changes for your daughter from the way you're currently doing things. That's not to say you can't make a plan to change if you don't want to continue with something but make a time table that takes into account the tough adjustment that it is to have a child. Even if you're daughter won't recognize this fact; you know this. Don't get upset if your daughter won't discuss the details of her plan (if she even has one) for her and the baby; just focus on the plan for your life with this baby and that will help your peace of mind. Good luck.

well i'm only 25 and my daughters are only 4 and 2 LOL so i'm not sure about how to talk to your daughter about this. what i wanted to comment on is, if your daughter is in the army reserves, why are you paying for her college expense??? her GI bill will cover all her expenses and probably even extra! and why isn't she working at least part time? i understand going to school full-time is draining, but in the reserves, she only has to work one weekend a month and 2 wks per year right? so she should be working another job as well. at 18 i was working 16 hrs a week and taking a full load of college classes while living at home.
i realize you want to help your daughter as much as you are able but you need to let her help herself too. you don't want her living with you forever, especially with a new baby. it might be tough, but even if you let her live with you still, you need to make it well known that you will NOT be paying any baby expenses, you will NOT be a free babysitter, and she needs to start paying you rent (even if only a couple hundred dollars a month). and if she doesn't, i think you need to give her 30 days notice to find another place to live.
just my opinion, hope it helps!

I am not sure what kind of advice I can give you, although I will try and see what comes of it.. I think the first thing you need to do is to tell yourself that you will only be the grandmother, no questions asked! You need to explain to your daughter where you stand with this and stay firm in your decision. Tell her that while you do want to help and do your fair Grandmother share that you cannot be the provider for this baby. Offer her love and support.. don't make this seem like a mistake, show her that you can accept her having this baby and that you are thrilled to be a Grandmother!!
I am sure that they are trying to figure out all of those questions that you have.. together or apart? where to live? school? etc.. You should let her know ahead of time if you will or will not allow her and the baby to live with you or if she needs to make sure that she has a place for them to live. Hopefully, they are thinking about all of this and maybe they just don't want to discuss it right now. I'm sure that if this pregnancy was not planned that she herself is unsure of alot of things right now. Don't hound her, but be there for her.. if that makes sense..
One thing you could do to help is get with some of her friends and/or family and throw her a baby shower so that she will get some of the things that she will need. Having her register for that might help her to see what all she will need to care for a baby and that it isn't cheap! (One of the best things at my shower was they had a special drawing for those that brought a bag of diapers, this was aside from the gifts.. I ended up not having to buy diapers for my daughter until she was 6 months old!!)
The only other thing you can do right now is pray for her and be there for her. She is lucky to have you as her mother..
Good Luck & God Bless!!

Sounds like your daughter needs to be given a strong dose of "what it means to be an adult". I would tell her that she can forget any financial assistance from you until she lets you know her plans to take care of her child. She needs to be shocked into the realization that she can't put off a decision like this until the baby gets here. I know a lot of young adults who procrastinate on major decisions like this because they are uncertain what to do. If you give her a not-so-gentle nudge, she will probably come through for both you and her baby.

In the meantime, don't feel guilty about your actions. If your daughter had been mature enough to be a mother in the first place, this wouldn't be an issue now. Like I always say, "It's a shame you don't have to have a license to have a baby!" This would prevent a lot of the child neglect and abandonment that takes place in this country. (Of course, it's absurd to think that people would actually abide by such a law!!!)

Your daughter is 21 and it's high time she became a grown up. You are not responsible for her. SHE IS. And you are doing her no favors by paying for everything. She must learn to be an adult and if you micromanage her life for her she never will. Cut that umbilical cord, your daughter is going to be a mother it's way past time. Let it go and be the grandmother.

The very idea that you're even thinking you would provide for this baby or be the "parent" of this baby means you aren't letting go of your baby. She is not a baby anymore. But she will continue to be one as long as you treat her as one. Force her to grow up! It's way past time for both of you. Push her out of the nest and I promise you, she will fly. It's human nature. It won't be easy but it will happen! Good luck and congratulations on becoming a grandma with an newly independent daughter!

Hi J.-

You are in an extremely difficult position so there is no easy answer here. The only suggestion I have is for you to decide what you want your role to be and how much financial support you are able to provide without jeopardizing your livelihood. Then once you've figured out what you can do, let your daughter know. It doesn't have to be combative, just tell her that in order to help her and the baby you are able to do X, Y, and Z. At that point, it's up to her to figure out how to fill in the rest. Of course you can offer to help her figure this out, but if she's not interested in talking about those things you'll have to let her just figure it out on her own.

I know you're worried about the baby, but as long as the baby is not in any danger, you're going to have to let your daughter and the father of the baby figure this out on their own. I was 29 and married when I had my first child and I'm sure my mother wanted to tell me how to do this and how to do that all along the way but she didn't. She knew that it was up to me and you need to give your daughter that space as well.

Take care of you. Decide for yourself what you are going to do so that you are not up in the air about what is going to happen. If she's not a "planner" then I'm sure she'll work it out on her own.

Good Luck,
K.

You guys really have got to sit down a talk about this situation, even if she doesn't want to talk about it.

You are footing all the major expenses...thank God she is covered with medical insurance (it is covering her maternity?). Will the baby be covered when he/she is born? There are a lot of doctor visits with a new baby the two day check, 2 week check, 2 month, 4 month, etc...we did those with only major medical at 70+ dollars a pop.

Of course not to mention all the things you mentioned, school plans, etc etc etc...

Is she ignoring the pregnancy because she is thinking about adoption? There are so many couples out there who desperately want children.

Maybe meet her at a restaurant or coffee shop to talk all of this over and she where she is coming from...but you have got to talk to her and make plans for all of your futures.

Let us know how it is going...
{{{{{hugs}}}}}