Am I Being Inconsiderate??

I think he really needs to drive the truck, especially on days that you know you have something going on. That way, if he is late again, you can still be on time and he can just meet you there (or not).

Now, for the working so much...great that he wants to provide for the family. Talk to him and tell him that you appreciate he is doing so much to provide for the family and all that he does but you really want him to take a break or cut back so he can have some rest and enjoy the family.

Perhaps you should consider getting a job so he can have a little time off. If the entire weight of supporting the family were not on his shoulders, he might be better able to be a father and husband at home.

Would you be able to stay home with your kids if he didn't work as much? Would you be willing to get a job to take some of the pressure off of him?

I leave notes on my husbands keys, the front door.

On the days you need the car, take the car keys off of his key ring and attach a note to his keys saying, take the truck today.

Do not become trapped without your vehicle, be proactive about making sure you have transportation.

FYI, my husband purchased a slightly used scooter to drive to work 5 days a week. He only fills it up 1 time every 2 weeks.

It is awesome.

ETA - I didn't say you were living in poverty. If you are living paycheck to paycheck, then you are essentially one paycheck or emergency away from potential financial ruin.. There's a difference. Nor did I see where anyone said that you weren't a good mom. You seem very defensive, and it seems that you only want your feelings to be validated and don't actually want any constructive advice, which is very unfortunate. You want my answer to your question? Yes you are being inconsiderate. For all the reasons I originally listed.

Let's see.... he works his arse off to support a family of FIVE. You don't work. He's probably worried & stressed most of the time, especially if you are one paycheck away from poverty.

What exactly do you want from him? The guy is exhausted!! Do you reallly think he wants his weekends full of plans & expectations of him being happy & excited about them? He probably wants to do nothing.

How about you take on some of the financial responsibility, so you can see him more & he can relax more? That seems like the most logical solution to most of your issues. This is where I don't agree with being a one income family, when it's clearly doing more damage than good. You & your kids never see him, you're broke, and he's tired all the time.

You are NOT being inconsiderate ----- HE IS.
He says he takes the car to save on gas -- in actuality he is trapping you at home with the kids. He needs to either take the truck to work and budget for the extra gas expense or buy a vehical that gets better gas milage and make sure you have a car in good working order so you and the kids can go do things. He is also selfish with his time. He says he wants to be a dad but I don't think he understands what being a dad is all about. Yes, dads work and support their families but they also spend time with them. His kids NEED him, they need to know who he is, what he likes, to play with him ect....
I recommend couples counseling he needs to hear from a 3rd party that he is being inconsiderate.

I can relate, I felt like a single mom too. Sometimes it takes a life trauma event for your husband to rethink the need for all this work and money. If he's using the family car, why have a truck?
Sometimes I thought I'd be better off alone since he was never around. But now with a pending divorce, he's been a better dad. Trying harder to be with the kids but all the heartache we've been through, it can't be fixed. So I guess it's sad that only when everything falls apart is when we both open our eyes to what we truly need in this life, it's too late to fix the marriage.

Go get marriage counseling. I think Marriage Fitness with Mort Fertel is amazing. He may think it's silly, you both may, but fake it till you make it. Learn to put your marriage first before it's too late. It was through this program that my husband realized that work isn't worth the loss. And where he learned to set aside time for love and family.

But don't attack him like he doesn't love you guys. He does and he probably is trying in the way he knows how, by working to support you. He just need to realize that that is not what you guys need most to be happy.

sorry that I can't really advise you on our main question but what I noticed is that he takes the car and leaves you without transportation. There can be no amount of savings that is worth taking your independence from you. He should be taking the truck or replacing it with something that you can drive too.

Party:

Sounds like you guys need to learn how to communicate again...sounds like he's chasing the money to provide for his family.

I will guess that the truck is a "regular" truck and does not have a "rear" seat...so the car seat doesn't fit in with the other kids...not safe to drive...right?

too bad you guys live in CA - I would love to have someone paint my house!! We've FINALLY PICKED COLORS!!! :)

Any way - I don't think you are being selfish...I think you two need to learn to communicate and make sure you are on the same page - not just with family but finances...it's tough living paycheck to paycheck..he's probably trying to get a buffer there...it's entirely possible he loves what he does! And can't say no! I don't know...

I think you need to start having a date night with your husband. JUST THE TWO OF YOU...you don't need to leave the house...but you do need to turn off electronics and be together....

Then you guys need to start talking money - not on a date night - but actually finding out if he's charging enough to turn a profit or break even...

I would ask why he feels the need/desire to work soo much...is he running to something (a goal) or away (sorry - that's NOT meant to be mean) but some men get overwhelmed after fatherhood...and the craziness that happens...

my very first thought: what exactly do you want from him?

He's busting his butt to keep you home with the kids, he's working as hard as he can & beyond, & he knows you're living paycheck-to-paycheck. Think of the pressure that's on him! Think of the emotions when he gets tied up "on the job"....just knowing that you're sitting somewehere waiting for him! My heart goes out to your DH....he's trying to do what so many spouses just can't even be bothered to do! :)

I realize you feel stress over being isolated...both in your relationship with your husband...& being physically stranded at home with the kids. & yes, I do get that the car/truck issue is part of your own personal stress load.

Time for a "couple's weekend". Get family/friends to take the kids for the weekend. Devote an entire weekend to just the two of you. No extra expenses....just simply some down-time for the two of you...in your home.

When planning this, explain that you need this time with him to discuss & plan for your future together. Tell him you miss him, & you want him to think about what he'd like over the next 5 years. Asking him to bring ideas to the table is the only fair/equal way to approach the changes you want in your shared life! & for Heaven's Sake! Please, please do not make him feel pressured into pleasing you! Please focus on how thankful you are for his efforts & how you want his life a little bit easier.....

Which brings me to my next thought: since finances are tight, what changes can you make to ease his life? He obviously can't be the only "giver" in these changes....what can you give/change to help this process? My vote is to get a truck to accommodate the whole family or to trade the truck for a car. I would also think that you need to start providing income for the family....an inhome daycare or work outside of the home. & you are right, he needs to set an hourly rate or fee schedule & stick to it! & I hope you're paying taxes on this extra income + carrying liability insurance. Safeguard that future! Good luck....

So you can't drive the truck? Why not?

I guess if it's a single seated pick up then that would make sense. 3 kids and an adult don't fit. I forget there are still trucks out there that don't have seats behind the front seat nowadays.

I think this way....You don't have to agree but it is a reasonable suggestion.

You are allowing your husband to work 2 full time jobs, working himself to the bone and choosing to stay at home and live pay check to pay check. Why?

If your income is that low you could receive lower child care charges and get assistance at least when you first start looking and the first month or so of your new job, until they pay you a month then if your combined income is too much you would have to pay the fees yourself.

But in my world, if hubby is working too much and I won't go to work to lighten the load on my family then I have to accept the consequences of my choices.

So my suggestion is that you look for work so hubby can work less and you can have enough money to do things together with the time he can spend not working a second job to support you.

I sometimes feel the same way as you, but then I remind myself that my husband is giving our family so much more than most men are able to do by working the way he does. Yes my husband is a workaholic. Hes is up at 530am and gone before we get up, and not home until 9-10:00pm 6 nights a week. But we make sure to hold Sundays as our family days and are inseperable. He lets me and the baby sleep in, and takes our 6 year old and dog to the dog park for daddy/daughter time every Sunday morning. Sunday evenings the kids go to bed an hour earlier and we have a glass of wine, give massages, watch a movie, snuggle-whatever we can do to keep the spark going. Im proud to say I have a husband that wants to work so hard so I can be at home with my girls and be the best mom I can be. We miss him, I get selfish sometimes, but god bless him for being that guy. Maybe you and your hubby can come up with a "family day" idea like ours. Im sorry you and the kids are missing him. Its not easy, and I sometimes feel like Im a single mom also, I feel your frustration. Hang in there!

I get him wanting to take the car to save on gas money but I would have gone INSANE with three kids and no car all day.
Maybe work out a deal where he takes the car on a specific day, like Monday, and that becomes your "at home" day to catch up on housework.
As far as him working all the time, is it a matter of real NEED or do you think he's avoiding the family? If it's real need, I'm afraid there's not much you can do, short of trying to bring in some income yourself, maybe through babysitting, or working PT on evenings and weekends so he can spend some more time with the kids. If it's not need, but avoidance, then that's a deeper issue. Set up a date night NOW, even if it's just a quiet dinner and wine after the kids have gone to bed and TALK about it.

I'm not sure there's inconsideration involved as much as miscommunication and misunderstanding.

Do you think he's taking the truck to spite you, or to save on gas? You mentioned that you are living paycheck to paycheck, so it may be that he's *trying* to do something good, but it is a problem for you. Perhaps a compromise or trade will be necessary. If I were in that situation with gas costing so much (and most trucks get terrible mileage), I would likely try to find another place in the budget to economize or trade the truck in for a truck with better MPG.

I get through the long days, myself, by trying to be present in our situation: we chose for me to stay at home with my son and to work with him at home after school instead of putting him in the afterschool camp. We did this for personal reasons, however, I am very aware that there's a huge burden on my husband's shoulders because of this. And while I work around the house in very real ways, I am very thoughtful in how we spend money and in what I ask him to do. I have friends who do a lot of it themselves and have decided that going back to work would be better for them, and good for them. We all have to take charge of our lives, and I know am happy for now with the present arrangement because it is a reflection of what I value... and it may not be what everyone else values. I like a quieter, slower life and pace. I like being at home. So, I makes my choice and takes my chances.:)

Maybe someone can help your husband realize that he's undercharging people, if he is, and how to get his rates up to where they need to be. Does he have other marketable skills which could get him into a better-paying job? It sounds like you both love each other a lot and need to see more of each other when you can relax and enjoy life a bit. That will improve your communication. And I liked Laurie's suggestion of giving him notice you need the car, and then taking the keys off the chain so there's not confusion.

hi there. if staying at home with the children and not working is what you prefer to do, then i believe the husband needs to have a job that pays well enough for you to be able to do that. i don't think a wife should have to work if she wants to stay at home. i also believe that a husband should be required to be there for a certain amount of time with the family. it seems that the only way to do this is for him to not do construction at all. that leaves only one job which doesn't pay enough to live the way you guys want to live. so in this case, he needs to do whatever he can to get better pay in his one job. this may mean seeking other jobs or getting further schooling if it results in better pay. while he's working one job and looking for a better paying job or going to school, then this is the only case where you the wife will have to work (temporarily) for however many hours it takes to afford the lifestyle you guys want. when he's finally found a better paying job/finished school, then you can quit and stay at home again. schooling may mean some nights a week studying, but it may mean more time together than when he had a second job and will only be temporary, for the better in the long run.. i understand this is a solution that would take a lot of time and patience to get to, but you'll both be working towards that goal together, just temporarily, until it's reached.

my husband used to work a lot and not have enough time to spend with us. so as the man of the house he saw that his family was hurting from not seeing him very much, and cut back his hours. we passed on him going to school for a better paying job, but he is always looking for another better paying job. meanwhile we live paycheck to paycheck, (i work part time because i choose to-but that pretty much pays for childcare) but the time together with him and our family means so much more than money.

Hope he figures out what to do to be with you guys more. If he cares for you enough and loves you, he should want to do this. if not, well then there's a whole other topic that'll need discussed. let us know :)

Go about your life.
Don't wait for him for "events"! Take the kids and go.
Sounds like you need to get rid of the truck or at least get O. you can drive, need be.
As for what he charges...we have a friend (carpenter) works VERY reasonable and he's ALWAYS busy. We have another friend, just as skilled, charges TOP dollar. He lives off of his fiancé mostly because he's NEVER busy. Guess who we call? Lol
As for the money situation, get a Dave Ramsay book & learn to eliminate debt and lI've on less than you make. And don't count his side work...them that's all gravy!
Good luck!

Its really hard to be a stay at home mom. and care all day for three children. Your job is very hard and rewarding at the same time. I have waited many long hours for my husband also to come home from work. I have always been a stay at home mom with a job in between. My husband and I agreed I would stay home and care for the children and home. But I know its lonely. He is tired and you want your husband. The only thing I can say that may help is it does get better as your children get older. You both put your time in and it does pay off. Please make your moment count with each other. It might not be a lot now but it will change as time goes by. Good Luck!

print out some articles about the importance of having a father involved in their lives. Ask him if he thinks you should sign the kids up for a Big Brother program so they could have a male influence in their lives. Stop waiting for him if he is supposed to go somewhere with you at 5 by 5:15 leave without him. (take away his car keys if you need to) Then tell him how much fun the children had and how much you enjoyed watching the kids have fun and let him figure out for himself how much he is missing. Talk about how much fun they had playing with Uncle so and so or the neighbors Daddy. Talk about how nice that must be for those kids to have a dad around, adding that you really appreciate the financial support your husband supplies. Tell him you are thinking about getting a job so that he can work less and spend more time with his kids.

You have gotten a lot of great advice.

My suggestion is to try and have that serious talk during date night. When I wanted to suggest that I do in-home daycare about 8 years ago I knew my husband was going to just say no and walk away, end of conversatiion. Soooooooo I planned a date night for us to go to dinner and I suggested it to him then, when he really couldn't get up and walk away from me. He said no initially and then after sitting in a resturant with some very tense, silent minutes he started asking questions. I've been at the daycare thing for 7 years now and it has worked out very well.

Try to find a way to talk to him in a non-attacking way. Don't allow him to take your car anymore. I see it as a bit of a control action.

Best of Luck,

M.

Can you work? By that I mean would you be able to come away with at least part of a paycheck? I don't currently work because I'm still breastfeeding my youngest, and I'd have to put 2 young children in daycare. Hubby used to always take our vehicle, which really bummed me out. But almost a month ago we moved right across the street from his work. :) My husband works 40-50 hours a week. We too live paycheck to paycheck. Yeah it sucks but a lot of families do it now. My husband is always home when he says he will be. But he only has the 1 job. Is there a reason for your husband to always ge late? Maybe try to help him relax during his time off. My husband loves to nap, lol. Sure I'd love to get out and do family stuff.. but he's tired from working all week. So we usually do both. Oh and every M. just needs some time off. Try to find time to relax yourself. I know it's hard. :)

He needs to raise his rates so that he's still got full time work, but makes more money for the same time at the "office".

He's doing all of this to support YOU and the kids. I'd relax about how he's always in a rush, or always working, etc. Just like women get this overwhelming desire to protect children, men get an overwhelming concern about finances.

I just reread your post, and you're upset that you have to do all the work on the weekends, too?

ummm....I think you might be asking a bit too much.

My EXhusband worked 80-120 hours a week.

Not because he needed to. He was on salary. Because he chose to.

YES. Being alone was a LOT harder than being a single mom. Period. When you're waiting and waiting, and hoping, and thinking that you have a partner... but you don't. When the only thing they're home for is to sleep? When no one else sees how hard things are, because you "have" a husband?

That's BEYOND hard.

It's exhausting. Demoralizing. Lonlimaking. Causes 2nd guessing (what's wrong with me that he's never here?) and kills self esteem.

Big Whoop.

Paycheck.

Seriously. ALL of us can work (well, most). That's not the issue. The issue is feeling abandoned, unloved, unwanted. The issue is TIME.

The issue is PRIORITIES.

The issue is feeling like you're the last on their list of chores, the one that can almost always be bumped to later, later, later, later.

Relationship killing.

Which is big bad scary... and very possibly a reality.

A relationship can be VERY STRONG, even when the working parent is military and deployed.

It's when someone is CHOOSING each and every single little thing ABOVE their own family. An extra $20-$200 towards vacation, instead of a night in. Taking any and every job available, fear-desperation-fear-desperation... and living like that day in and out. Heck... I know workaholics, married "living" at home (sleeping there)... who don't know HOW OLD THEIR KIDS ARE... because they never see them.

Exhausting to be married to someone when you're dead last on their priority list.

Counseling, is my only weak suggestion.

How about considering taking a job yourself to help lighten the load on your husband? Sometimes the choice is as simple as that, but many SAHM dismiss that as an option, either because they have several kids at home or they just don't want to work and are comfortable complaining about how hubby is "inconsiderate". With one person bringing in income, the sacrifice is tremendous. Quality time with the spouse is usually one of the things that may suffer. As the sole provider he works all the time because he knows you are one paycheck away from serious financial issues. I'm sure you miss him, but look at it from his perspective, as the breadwinner. That's a lot of pressure.