Advice on Temper Tantrums!!

I'm not an expert but it is probably a combination of things. As hard as it is, you need to keep putting him in his time out spot. Also reward him when he has good behavior. I think boys, in general, (my son is 12 and he still has trouble with expressing himself when he gets upset & I have a 7 & 14 yr old girls). Kids do tend to act out or be naughty for any kind of attention - have experienced that with my 7 year old.

Good luck!

Have you tried ignoring his fits? I know it is hard to do, but if he sees his not getting a response from the negative behavior he may try to be good and then praise the heck out of him. I know this next part sounds cruel, but it worked. If you are outside and it is warm and he is throwing a fit, throw some water on him or spray him with the hose. It stopped my son from the fits outside immediately. It just shocks them out of it.

the only thing i have ever seen work with temper tantrums is to ignore them. if he throws himself down on the ground, just turn around and walk away. or if you are out somewhere turn your back on him and look at the grocery shelf or talk to your daughter or something else. if he gets no energy or reaction from you, he will have no reason to continue the tantrum.
it does also sound like there have been some emotionally hard things recently, though, and he could very well just not know how to express his upset. in that case, i generally say something like - i will talk to you when you are done. and THEN turn or walk away. as soon as he has calmed down even a little, i would go back immediately and say - are you ready to talk now? if he continues with the fit, just walk away again. 4 is not too young to get his energy and emotions channeled into productive communication.

Hi K.,
I can TOTALLY relate to your issue. I also have B/G twins age 4 and my son and daughter are like oil and water. He sounds just like your son. He has the outbursts if he doesn't get his way. My daughter has her Father's temperment. So what I do is let him know that he needs to calm down, I walk away and let him scream it out (of course making sure he is not going to hurt himself or anyone else). Then after a minute if he is still going at it, I get down to his level and explain to him how to take the deep breaths. It works and sometimes it doesn't. I do use the time out mat with the timer when he has done something where he deserves to be put in time out. He hates it and let's me know, he'll tell me he hates me, (first time he yelled that at me, it killed me to hear it) and he'll pound on the wall. But he stays put until the 4 minutes are up, then I approach him and explain why I put him there and ask for an apology. Usually by the time 4 minutes are up he is back to being calm.

I find this age to be very frustrating at times, they do know how to push your buttons. But u can't give in, because it just takes that one time and then they have control.

Hope this helps. Good luck :)
M.

Hi K.!
My boy showed similar behavior at 2 years old. We had him evaluated by the state's early intervention program. Our son had speech delays, motor skill delays and was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and later diagnosed on the autism spectrum with PDD-NOS.
It could certainly be a result of what has happened in your life but at the very least - a pediatric social worker or psychologist needs to be contacted for counsel or an evaluation. Have you spoken with your pediatrician? Has you son shown any of these behavioral things prior to the marriage issues and the move? If yes, consider an evaluation by your local school district. They all have early childhood programs -- he may need structure and help with social skills, etc.
Good luck!
S. in Lisle

My son is now 5 but he has always been able to throw a world class temper tantrum. We even went to a behavioralist to get advice. I know two things have worked for us. First, try not to get upset or yell this makes it worse. We use the 1-2-3 technique, were you give the child time to stop or correct the bad behavior - unless it is serious like hitting them it is straight to timeout. My husband did not like this at first but I tell you for minor things I get to #2 and he stops without a battle.
Secondly, we tried very hard to give my son things he could suceed in, helping me pour his milk, brush his teeth... Then we praised him for all the great things he did. This seemed to help him get attention in the right way. He still has fits but he is also a great helper.
I hope this helps.

Hi, I am going through the same thing with my 5-1/2 year old daughter, but I think it started happening right before she turned 4!!! Sometimes I feel like such a failure. She goes one step further - she tells me she HATES me. The first time she said it, it was like a knife went right through me.... It still hurts my feelings, but I am trying to stay strong! The only thing that I do know is you have to stay consistent, and keep doing what you are doing, and eventually he will figure out that he is not going to get his own way! My daughter, smarty=pants, will come right out and tell you the reason she was being mad was because she wasn't getting her own way. I think they just have a hard time communicating, and that is the only way they get a reaction. TRY not to give it to them. Make your punishment, and walk away!!! Easier said then done.... Keep trying, and I will too! Good luck - you are a GREAT Mom - just know that! All the best!

.I've just been introduced to the shema of 3 parenting styles, authortarian, active, and doormat. Disrespectful behavior is one consequence of doormat, or permissive, or inattentive parenting. I'm sure with a divorce he's witnessed disrespect between you and your husband, and you have been edgy with him. There is also the boy girl thing, boys are more aggressive, usually, and act out. Now that things have settle down at home with the divorce final, pull back and access how you have shown dis-respect such as raising your voice, showing disdain, etc. Work on changing that. Give him choices as much as possible but within the boundaries of his age. Instead of just saying no to him, turn his request (demand) into a choice. You may have this or this, but not so and so. Give reasons for your actions. "I want you to be healthy and strong, so I don't want you to eat another......." or "In our house we treat each other with kindness, hitting is not kind, calm down and use words and lets look at the situation."Don't compare him with his sis, they have different genes. His behavior is pretty typical and he will change slowly. Try to be more creative with punishments, always using time outs isn't that effective as addressing the problem, "Well, I certainly will not give you ... since you are acting like this.

Read the book 1-2-3 Magic. It works like...magic!

Your little guy has a lot going on in his life. Timeouts put distance between you and your child and aren't really very constructive. He is telling you that he needs your constant love and affection and is probably feeling a sense of separation anxiety due to family situations. I don't mean just let him do what he wants. Permissiveness is not the answer either but too much love will not spoil him. There are a variety of books and classes that you may find helpful. Musikgarten in Oak Park runs a parenting class called EndZone the the pscychologist running it is wonderful. the class teaches a form of parenting described in the book "Smart Love" or "positive discipline" or a more extreme book is Alfie Kohn's "unconditional parenting" In general a tantrum at his age should follow a course of: make sure he is safe, let the tantrum fizzle, show him love and support and that you love him unconditionally and that you feel his pain. Also look for what may trigger the tantrums. They are generally a sign of stress. If you think you need professional assistance, then I am sure the woman who runs the Endzone parenting class Dr. Flynn Schneider I think her name is can help. good luck.
Traditional discipline (timeouts/rewards) work in the short run but often teach a child that they are to be controlled and only conditionally loved. They do not really develop a close relationship with a child. they are built on fear of child for parent or fear of being unloved etc. Permissiveness also doesn't work as it is based on parent's fear of child. the middle zone or endzone is more work but in the long run develops much healthier relationships and can steer a child away from depression and other problems. The number one risk factor for children for depression is conflict and fighting parents. your little guy is crying out to you and is clearly stressed. Don't punish him for something that is developmentally appropriate and may be a sign of other things that are difficult for him in life. He is needing some more support. Good Luck.

Have you tried running this by your pediatrician?
I also like the child development books by Martha and William Sears.
Also, "Your Baby and Child" is a good book, by Penelope Leach.
I am not an expert, but I would vote for the "combination of all" idea that you suggest -- the move, the divorce, the age, and also his own individual temperament.
There is also a book called "The Challenging Child" that I found helpful for understanding one of my kids. In one chapter it describes a kid's behavior that sounds similar to your son's.
Good luck!

Some advise I used with my 2 year old is walk away, ignore him. He's just looking for attention and if there is none then my son would stop. I also tried copying his moves. I would lay on the ground and kick my legs and cry right next to him. It took the fun out of it for him. I think the best one was to try and revert there attention else where. I had a secret stash of strange things he never got a chance to play with. Or things I wouldn't normally let him play with. I would give my son a bag clip when we were out and he would have such a good time with it. If you have tried everything, and have given it atleast 3 weeks, his temper might be deeper then just age. Good luck, I know what your going through.

Read the book, 1,2,3 magic! your problem will be solved in 3 days. guaranteed! but you must follow the instructions. It is an easy read, should take one nap time to get through the part which is the correct age bracket. good luck. been in your shoes, now my kids are great listeners and very sweet.

I'm assuming there aren't any underlying issues (food allergies, ADD or whatnot).

That being said, when my son has a fit (he's 3) I say, "Jacob I cannot understand you when you talk that way. I will listen when you are ready to talk nicely." Then, I walk away. The lack of an audience works wonders. If he wants to throw himself on the floor and cry, so be it. I won't give it any attention.

When he reaches the point of being unreachable, I will get down with him on the floor and tell him he needs to relax. I tell him we will count to three and take a deep breath. I take an exaggerated deep breath and exhale heavily and by the third time doing it, he's done crying and doing it with me. Then, we go on with life.

As for the time-out issue, I think it's a control thing. I think your son figures if he makes them h*** o* you (kicking, saying rude things) then you will give in and not make him do them. Pretty smart, actually. Lol. If that were our son, I'd either ignore him completely and go on with life as if he isn't even there. OR you can tell him the timer starts over every time he screams/yells or says rude things. At 4, he has a better concept of time, I'm sure. And, if you have an actual timer that buzzes, he will learn quickly that a reset of that postpones getting out of time-out.

Have you tried ignoring the behavior? As long as you know there is nothing that he can hurt himself on just walk away. Don't let his sister go up to him either. If he sees that it doesn't "bother" you and you just walk away this may help. It's worked for many kids that I know including both of my nieces who are now almost 11 and 6. It worked faster on the 11 year old than it did on the 6 but we stuck to it. We are now trying this with our 23 month old. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. It also depends on the reason for the tantrum. i. e. tired, hungry, thirsty or just because. But your four year old should be old enough to communicate if he is any of the above, but may not know how to communicate to you that he's sad or angry for other reasons. Hope this helps and keep us posted.
H.

Honestly, I think the terrible 2's are a misnomer----the 3's and 4's are worse! Both our kids at age 4 were holy terrors. It seems they knew exactly what buttons to push at that age and did it freely. I agree to keep on the timeouts. It stinks but you gotta do it. Our youngest will scream "I hate you. You a bad Mommy." It's awful...but she knows the buttons...and she knows we won't give in so eventually it stops. Give in a single time and you are screwed. I've made that mistake before only to have the kids say "but Mommy last week you let us". The other thing I wonder, is if your son knows how to sooth himself when he does get out of control. Both of our kids needed (and still need) help remembering how to calm down. We tell them to breath, blow it out, slow down..try to talk them through. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't.
Good luck---unfortunately, you might just have to "tough it out". You can parent each kid the same but remember every kid is wired differently so you get different results.

Hi K. ,
I do daycare out of my home and know what your going thru . I also have three daughters as well.
The hardest thing to do is not to get taken in by the stress of it all . You have two choices . One let him scream and cry it out until he realizes that you are not going to respond to it and then talk to him after he calms down . or the one that works best is put your son in a chair immediately when he starts to throw the tantrum . Remain calm and tell your daughter to leave the room or not look at your son when he does it . All he wants right now is a response from you either good or bad . Let him know he will be able to get down from the chair when he stops screaming and crying . just keep reiterating it . It may take a couple of days to break him of the bad habit . If he knows that he will get a response from you when he is calm , it will train him to respond calmly rather than act out to get attention . let me know if you try it - hang in there it does get better . We are here to teach them how to respond when their emotions take over - lots of love works too . Have a great day

S. Snyder
www.youravon.com/sharonsnyder