Advice on New Living Situation

I'm of the same mindset as Denise. He is in the military, but his job is unstable... ? What does that mean?

I don't know or understand "all things military", but can't he move on base in the barracks? I know sometimes military housing can have a waiting list for families, but he is just one guy. He should be able to move into a barracks relatively easily I would think. Maybe some of the military wives could jump in here and give more info on that?

Your brother and his girlfriend sound like they are co-dependent. He needs some counseling to break free of that relationship. Can the military offer that to him? I don't think you really want to invite him into your home right now, with you about to have a new baby. His life is apparently full of drama, and that is exactly what you DON'T need.

Just offer moral support in moving on with his life. He can't be responsible for his girlfriend. Sure, he can be gentle when he breaks the news to her... maybe a counselor can help him sort out the best way to talk to her about it. But he cannot control what she does. And he is not responsible for her choices.

I think he should consider enlisting in the military full-time. That will 1.) get him out of the current situation without directly blaming the crazy girlfriend. The military tells him he has to go, and he has to go... Once in a long-distance situation, the relationship can come to a natural end without him being there to witness it or be pulled into the drama. 2.) the military will provide him training and educational opportunities, and he may be able to build on his National Guard experience. 3.) the military will feed, clothe and house him for the next 4 years--until he can figure out his future.

Just a few more thoughts, as I feel the advice you got are all pretty relevant.
A friend of mine got into a pretty toxic relationship also, and the fear of a brake up leading to a suicide was quite real, to the point where her lover actually did a attempt, called her to be rescued and my friend had to go and call the ambulance.
I cannot say how much it was hard for my friend to leave the relationship out of guilt, fear and simple lack of understanding on how to deal with the manipulativeness of such person.
Moving out, changing job, breaking up are all "life changing" moments, and I would advice that he tackles things one at a time, making sure that he gets his feet grounded so to be able to handle the changes properly.
In terms of providing him support, I would encourage him to enlist full time, then I would help him locate some counselling help, talking about how it would be useful for him to find the right language/approach to leave the girlfriend without leading her to jump a bridge. He might be more open to that than to a simple counselling as this might be harder on his male ego.
Third I would help him finding a new apartment - not hosting him, but physically taking time to visit things with him, looking at adds or walking neighbourhoods.
Then I would consider encouraging him to cut ties with her for a while, changing phone number, so that she can not harass him. She needs support, for sure, but he probably will be the wrong person to provide it for her if he really wants to move on. He might want to get in touch with her family, explaining that he is not going to be able to be there for her, and that they should watch for her. Keeping in touch might just be a way for their toxic relationship to not end. A few months without real contact might help him move to a better self, more confidence and more strength, and later he could reconnect with her.

Good luck

You are certainly in a position to give your brother a new start. And I think that is a great thing.

But, I can see where you may be hesitant. All of the cons that you listed, I don't personally feel would be a deal breaker. BUT, the crazy girlfriend thing would bother me. An hour is not nearly far enough to keep them apart. You know what I mean? You know much better than I how serious your brother is about leaving her for good this time. An hour just seems a little too close for comfort. Like at any time, they could make a break for it and get back together. You don't want that kind of drama around.

I guess I didn't give you an answer, just a different view point.
All in all, I think this could be a great thing for your brother, a move that really could turn his life in a new direction. Something you and your husband have to talk about.
Best of luck!

It sounds like you really want to help your brother but are unsure how it is all going to play out. You definately don't want to have to deal with toxic ex-gf at this point in your life, so being an hour away is a good thing in a way.
If your brother is a kind person it may not be so bad having him in the house with you, even with baby on the way. Make sure you lay out, very clearly like in a lease, ground rules and expectations. For example, will he be eating dinner that you and your husband supply - if so then he needs to be responsible for the dishes, or for cooking X number of meals per week. What are his areas of the home - just the bedroom and the rest are shared? If so, he needs to keep the shared areas clean. If rent is difficult, can he pay utilities? The clearer you can be in your expectations the better the situation will work.
When I was pregnant with our first my mother ended up losing her job and needing a place to live. She moved in with us on a temporary basis and ended up staying and providing childcare for us while we are at work. My girls have thrived having another adult in the house and she was a true blessing during those newborn months when I was sleep deprived. If he is willing to pitch in on household chores it will be a life saver as you get closer to your due date and once your little one arrives. Plus, falling in love with his niece/nephew may help him sort out his own life.
Good luck!

We all want to help our families and sometimes there seems to be not alot of options. I would really think good and hard about having him come live with you (however I understand that it may become the only realistic option). Having a baby is hard enough under the best circumstances, but compounding that with a person who may be somewhat difficult could really be a disaster for you and your husband, your marriage and growing family. Maybe if he had a stable job lined up and was willing to build a timeline of when he could get out on his own, setting some ground rules ahead of time would help, he would definitely need to understand that you and your husband cannot support him. Good Luck and keep us posted!

Can't the military help him with getting counseling and housing, and so forth? I think for you to take him in would be taking on too much stress for you and your husband, right now. He should go be with your one of your parents-he is their child-even though an adult-and his mental health needs to be addressed. You need to take care of yourself-especially at this time.God bless all of you.

Rachel:

You can't be your brother's keeper.
He is an adult.
He is active duty military. (sorry - just saw your edit) he needs to enlist full time in order to get the benefits of the help he needs and a stable living arrangement.

He cannot control HER. PERIOD. She will do what she is going to do. Whether or not he is in her life or not. If she is suicidal - then it's on HER NOT HIM. I know that sounds cold and unkind - but it is a fact of life - NO ONE can control another - she will do what she is going to do whether or not he's there or not. I cannot stress to you enough this is a FACT.

If your brother enlists full time - he can live on base in the barracks - it will save him money and he can live on his own - no room mate.

If he goes full time military - he gets paid on the 1st and 15th of every month. If he has mental problems - the military WILL get him the help he needs in order to become a functioning member of society and the military.

If he doesn't like school - you can't change that. You can lead by example and show him the benefits of a great education - and military can do that as well - ONLY HE CAN IMPROVE HIMSELF.. YOU CANNOT DO IT FOR HIM. And he has to WANT to improve himself.

Even though it is hard - you cannot let your brother move in with you and your family - you will only enable him and let him be coddled further. He needs to man-up and go to his 1st Shirt or his Commander and spill the beans - they WILL get him the help he needs to break this relationship, improve himself and get better.

He is on the path to doing the right thing - he is finally admitting he is in a bad relationship and wants out. YOU CANNOT DO IT FOR HIM.

This is like an alcoholic or addict - the person has to WANT the change and BELIEVE they can make the change for himself. YOU can want it all you want. And you can jump through hoops and spend tons of money on him - but none of it will work unless HE wants it.

You MUST let him handle this on his on. He MUST understand that she will do what she is going to do and NONE of HER ACTIONS ARE HIS RESPONSIBILITY. PERIOD.

Have him go to a Priest, Chaplain, Rabbi - whatever religion and let him help himself - you can give him the tools - direction - but DO NOT give him money, do NOT give him a room - he needs to get out of this on his own.

My prayers are with you!!

Cheryl

Hi Rachael, that's a really tough situation and I'm glad for your brother that he has a supporting and caring sister like you. First, I will say that my husband and I struggled for years in a pretty co-dependent and volatile relationship like you are describing and at one time or another, one or the other of us was pretty seriously depressed. We have come out on the other side, but the problem is that she is probably depending on your brother to help her. She needs to find help in the form of friend or counselor OUTSIDE the relationship and then she won't freak out so much if/when they break up. In other words, she needs 1.) an older friend or confidant who can help her; 2.) clergy; 3.) counselor. Also, if she gets this and they really do love each other, their relationship might just work. This is something seriously to consider -- not only for her sake, but because its likely that your brother will back out of his decision to break up. Also, in these types of relationships, a lot of times the co-dependence goes both ways and although she might be acting crazy, your brother also may be having problems that feeds the craziness so to speak. So, they both may need help whether they are in this relationship or not. Second, I can't really give you advice on whether your brother should stay with you if he breaks it off. I would think that one of the biggest considerations on making that decision is a hard look at likely how your relationships will weather him staying with you (your relationship with him, your relationship with your husband and his relationship with your husband). You say he's difficult to live with, so put that in your calculations. Maybe its possible for you guys to help him financially without him actually living with you? Finally, you probably won't get him to go to college -- he probably hates school for a reason. My husband never finished college and his family would pressure me to make it happen. The truth is that my husband is ADD and literally graduated HS without reading well -- there is no way that he could simply go to college and graduate. But, he did develop a very good career as a computer technician. There are fields out there that pay very well and don't require a college degree -- just a certification. If I were you, I would talk to your brother about these -- dental and medical technicians make LOTS of money, for example. So, do electricians and computer techs. I know jobs are tight, but I see you are in Roanoke and I know the DC area still has jobs. All the best.

If your brother is in the military, it is not a job that he can just leave because he moves. And, if he is in the military he can always live on base in the barracks or on the ship. It isn't ideal, but it is an option.
Getting out of a toxic relationship is always difficult, but being trapped inside of one is worse. Be there to listen to your brother and offer emotional support - but this is a journey that he must ultimately make on his own. Again, the military has a chaplain corps that can provide FREE help and counseling to him if that is what he needs.