Advice on How to Calm a "Spooked" Child

Hi L.,

I agree that it is probably a tactic to get out of bed or to get more time with you. However, I have a degree in speech and hearing sciences. There was an entire article that I read called "Phonophobia in the 4 year old." Basically saying that around 4, noises (particularly loud noises) upset kids.

It could be attention seeking, but it could also be a normal phase. I have given my kids limits to the number of times that they can come out for bathroom or drinks, etc. They have consequences if it is more than that. I would just reassure that you are there and that you will always take care of him and that he is safe. That's really all you can do without being conned. :)

C.

Your son may just be giving you another excuse as to why not to go to sleep, or he could really be concerned?? If he is really fearful this might help... Both of my children use "sound machines". We turn them on for their naps and bedtime. They put out soothing sounds - like white noise, mountain stream, ocean waves, etc. Homedics makes one they call a Sound Spa and sell it at Target. The basic one is about $20. These sound machines have been a huge help - I have even used it!

This may just be the newest tactic to get you in his room, or for him to come into your room. I would try an experiment during the day. Lie down on a blanket on the floor. Turn off all tv's and such. Close your eyes and listen. Tell your kids it's a game and see if they can identify the noises that they hear. You could turn up the thermostat right before you lie down, so that it kicks on for them to hear. You could even have them lie with eyes still closed and walk to another room and have them guess which room you walked to if they can hear it. You could also have an exploring night with flashlights to identify all the noises that they hear. I think once the curiosity is gone, they should settle down about it.

I can't sleep with little "house" noises either...
I...(and my whole family) sleep with a fan(s) in our rooms.
the fan drowns out the noise of the creeks, and furnaces, and anything else for that matter...
it helped my kids alot to know when it was time to sleep too...the fan almost lulls them to sleep

Well, since I also have a 4 and 2 year old, I can tell you that, in my house at least, it is a rare moment when one is up without the other. It's probably likely that the older one wakes up the younger one and they both end up in your bed. Im sure you could find a hundred ways to get yourself out of doing something you didn't want to do (in this case going to bed) if you knew there was another room in the house where people were doing something better! My 4yo is noticing noises and stuff that he never noticed before and it seems to coincide with not wanting to go to bed. We are pretty firm about bedtime so it doesn't go very far, but I have noticed it increasing lately.

As far as the 2yo...mine broke his arm climbing out of bed. Luckily he has learned his lesson and no longer climbs out. I think they are both playing you! :) I don't allow my kids in my bed at night except for special circumstances...(I know Im a horrible heartless mother to insist that they learn to be secure and safe in their own beds, thus growing into healthy, well rested adults...LOL)

I can only tell you to get firm with them. Take all day to explain the noises you hear, but night time is bed time. Have HIM tell YOU what the noises are and I'll bet the game gets less fun for him!

~L.

I was scared of the dark for many many years. What I do with my 4 year old daughter is get a flashlight and go through the house so she can see what is making the noises. It takes 10 to 15 minutes to go through and find silly noises that we don't notice during the day when we are busier... and then you can have a more peaceful night.

My daughter crawls into my bed almost every night and I have to say that when she is 13 she will not do it anymore. I love that she knows our room is safe and comfortable, and I have to say I love the cuddles in the morning. I also do not wake up when she comes in and I really think that is because I don't have to.

L.,

My almost 7 year-old son is still reacting to noises from the house. We live in an older house with radiators, when our DS was 4 and started hearing noises we put a fan in his bedroom. The sound from the fan drowned out the noises of the house settling and the pipes popping.

When the monster issue came up we put the large, round glass circles around his room. One in each window and on either side of his door to "create a monster barrier". Only good things can come through the barrier, bad things get electrocuted. This seemed to work for awhile, but we are back to the sounds again now that the heat has been turned on.

My DH and I also set limits for the number of times he can come out of his room at night. We can tell if he is really scared or not and if he's not we send him back, with a swat if necessary.

For the kids sleeping in your bed - you might want to put a nest of blankets somewhere in your bedroom if you have the space. Then, if they are scared, they can curl up with their pillows in the nest. We only have a full size bed (nothing else will fit up the stairs) and no extra space for a wiggly little boy, so we place a sleeping bag on the floor on my side of the bed. When our DS is scared he sleeps there until it starts to be a crutch and then we remove it until the next time it needs to be used.

Good luck!

-C..

He's reached the age of that. Can you show him the furnace and tell him how it works?

Is he afraid of monsters? I and many other moms on this site have used "monster spray" ~ water in a fancy spray bottle that works to protect the little one.

PS: If he hasn't said "monster" yet, don't introduce the idea!

Good luck!

S.

I wonder if your kids have been hearing you and your partner in the night, and it's freaking them out... some of the discussions get heated, and some of the 'exercise' sounds odd from another room, which can lead kids to being generally freaked out by noises in the night. Imaginations run rampant and little minds really are not designed (or mature enough) to cope with the terrors alone. It would be nice if it were otherwise, but then we'd probably have kids moving out of the house at 8 if that were the case... The idea that children should be self-soothing is in conflict with the fact that they lack the mental tools to do so, and no amount of insisting (personal or cultural) will grow their brain structures any faster than they grow.

If your 2yo is climbing into bed without you waking (and neither drugs nor drink account for your heavy sleeping) it's because you know she's safe and fine and have no reason to wake up. You're not unconscious when you're sleeping, you just don't wake for things that don't matter to you. Beyond staying awake all night, I can't imagine what you'd do about this that would be safe, quiet or gentle to her, so I'd say 'it's not a problem because it's not a problem.' She'll grow out of it when she's mature enough to do so, and in the meantime, she's safe and sleeping - enabling you to sleep too. A win-win solution that NO ONE ELSE needs to know about. Not even your mother.

L., I will never forget the effect that a low-budget horror film had on me as a small child. (I think that it was during a New Year's Eve celebration for which my parents had engaged a babysitter.) For a long time afterward, I had to check under my bed before I could go to sleep.

I won't name the film for fear of ridicule, but a small child's fears are very honest. We recently celebrated Halloween. Did Dakota perhaps see a scary movie that was beyond his comprehension? As human beings, we all have specific points of vulnerability, rational or not.

I would suggest taking your son down to the furnace so he can listen to the noises, explaining to him how houses are built and how every house has the "settling" noises you describe.

I would also suggest a little night light in his room. Perhaps you could develop a system of "making sure" if he gets up before you go to bed. Like a routine look around the house, some last reassurance before Mom and Dad have to get rest for the next day.

You may also want to arm your children with little stuffed animals that will help them stay in bed and allay their fears if they wake up.

You may also wish to point your children's focus toward Christmas, which may shift their preoccupation with scary things.

Good luck.

Have you tried some sort of "white" noise, such as a fan in his room? Perhaps that would help eliminate his hearing the settling noises of the house and furnace turning on and help everyone get some rest.