Advice on Handling Problems with Ex-husband

Boy do I understand where you are coming from, only it is my husband's ex that is the problem!! First let me say, for the record I am NOT a fan of kids swapping houses every other night or so. I think that add turmoil to their lives un-necessarily. Anyhow, Why does it matter that the kids are spending time with their GRANDMA? I am sure that they don't get to see her on your time, so I don't see the problem. No-one follows a courts order to a T and if they aren't being harmed in any way, is it really that big of a deal? My ex-husband rarely spent time with our children on his weekends as they spent most of it with their grandparents and thank god for that time!! Both their paternal grandparents were killed in a car accident 2 years ago and had they not had the time they did, it would have been so much more devastating! Not that it wasn't already but you know what I mean. Secondly, by letting him know he gets to you will just give him more satisfaction than you will ever know. That is what he wants. When he comes to get the boys, is there a curb or driveway that he can pull up, honk the horn and the boys just go out? You can say your good-byes before you open the door and then they can walk to the car. I think at ages 7 and 4 they are capable of this. That way there is no contact between the two of you what so ever. The only time we communicate with my husband's ex is if there is something wrong with their daughter and that is by e-mail only. That way it is documented exactly the way it happened. I am not sure where you live but where we live the Courts would have a hay-day with you nit-picking. They would more than likely modify the order to your ex's advantage so why start trouble where there really isn't any reason too? Good Luck!! If you would like to talk more my email is ____@____.com

I also have an ex husband and they can be trying at best at times. May I ask why it bothers you that he doesn't have them at all times while they visit??? Do you have them at all times while you have them??? Is there a reason why you don't like them at grandma's?? Maybe grandma wants some time with them too. Before I became a grandparent I most likely would of thought different but its a possability. I think you should be happy that they are with grandma instead of someone you don't even know. I'm not downing you in any way. I am just stating a opinion. I don't know who left who in your relationship but it is time after 2 years to let it go and move on. The kids are well taken care of and later the kids will know who is the better one. Me and my ex faught over the kids for 3 years. Now after a year that I won he is now nice to me. That is VERY shocking because we haven't really talked in 10 years, but this year we can. He might resent things (my ex resented that I left him for a women.) Maybe that is why he is so assy. Just grin and let it roll off. Some time it will pass. Its just a guy thing. You have a steady great guy and what does he have??? Hope this helped some!!!!!!

This is a tough situation for you and it just depends on whether it's worth it to you to get this resolved and have a better relationship with your ex. You need to figure out what your goals are with this relationship: do you want a better relationship with your ex for the sake of your kids, or do you want as little contact with him as possible or do you want to get back at him for hurting you or are there other reasons. Be honest with yourself and take a step back. All I can say is this: my parents divorced when I was 2. They had a lot of issues and plenty of reasons to treat each other disrespectfully, etc. It was my mom that finally said to my dad that they needed to lay their differences aside for my sake. It took them a while but they managed to treat each other politely and with time, they were even able to go out to eat together with me when I asked them to. Anyway, for my sake, they never slandered each other or were disrespectful to each other. With time, I figured things out myself... as far as who was at fault and who still didn't have their life together. To this day, I am so thankful that my parents decided to take this road b/c I really got the best of both of them. In fact my mom just said to me not too long ago that she is so glad they did this b/c they are still on friendly terms to this day. It's up to you on how you want to resolve this. You cannot force your husband to treat you better because there is a "lack" inside of him (you know what I mean?) but maybe you can reason with him. I would not discuss this issue on the phone. I would meet with him somewhere and see if he is open to change his behavior. The other issue that you have with visitation and him not offering the kids to you is also up to you. If you insist on getting the kids when he is not around but it's his weekend, then document everything and take him back to court. However, I would not do it. Let your kids spend time with their grandma if you are certain that she is not harming them. Your kids will grow up soon enough and figure out who the better person is .

As a grandmother, I am wondering what is wrong with the boys spending time with their grandmother?
Unless it is dangerous, maybe that time is better spent with her than such an immature father.

Do not call him up in Private to discuss things. Offer a mutual place...restaurant works where neither one of you will raise your voice to the other. My girls were the same age as your boys when I left my ex-husband. He also did things outside of the papers that made me furious! Just know that when your boys are old enough they will recognize all the mean and hateful things that your ex has done to you and is still doing to you. Kids are smarter than you think. YOU are the BETTER PARENT here and they will see that when they are older! Right now, I know it's hard, but you can be the BEST PARENT YOU CAN BE!!
good luck! (if you need to take him back to court,then so be it... document EVERTHING he is doing and has done-- if you qualify for legal aide-I'd go for it... you work, you pay your taxes, don't be ashamed of getting free help!)

My opinion is this, if the boys are not hurt, and taken care of , I see nothing wrong with them spending time with his mom, their grand-mother. If you are not happy with the way he speaks to you then use a family member or neighbor to be there to deliver the children to him and be there when he brings them home. I don't know who is telling you not to let him have the children, but you would be in contempt of court, if you were to not let him have visitation. I think it is a control issue and I myself would not be a part of it.

E.,

I feel for you. I have recently found out (through my own issues) that we teach people how to treat us. And the unfortunate thing about it all, is that we are teaching our children to do the same. Your kids are learning that it's ok to let things go even though they make you angry and it isn't right. You are teaching your kids not to stand up for themselves. When your husband begins to argue with you, you don't have to argue back, but you also should NOT say nothing! You should say, "I will not argue in front of our children. When you are ready to discuss things alone like a civilized adult, then I will talk to you." And absolutely DO NOT explain yourself! You do not have to explain anything to him. You are making yourself the child and him the parent by doing so, therefore giving him control. You can't control him, but you can control yourself and your reactions. And that will eventually change his reactions toward you!
Man, I think my therapist turned me into a therapist!

Good luck!!!

I've been in the same situation with my ex since our divorce 8 years ago. Do not listen to your friends who say don't let your kids go...then you are the person who is in contempt of court and that could be used against you in future court proceedings. You're doing a good thing by documenting everything...just keep it up for the next time you end up in court. A lot of people already asked if you had a problem with the kids spending all their time with their grandmother. My question is do you feel irritated because your custody agreement is 50/50 and he's not really doing his share of parenting? Do you take care of all of the issues involving medical, education, child care, etc? If that's the case I would just keep documenting, sit down with a lawyer you respect who will tell you whether you have a chance of winning if you file to modify the custody, and go from there.

You're doing right to not argue with him in from of your boys. Never say a negative thing about him. The boys will grow up and see it on their own and make their own decisions about their father. And I'd say there's no point in telling him things about himself, he's not going to change. So you have to change the way you react and just find a way to deal with it yourself.

Good luck. Hopefully your situation will improve over time.

And to those of you ladies who are ripping E. apart for complaining about the children being with the grandmother all the time...you are really harsh and should try to be a little more understanding. Her kids are away from her half of the time. You don't know how awful that is unless you've been there yourself.

Hi there. Having dealt with the 'ex' and everything for 13 years now (my oldest son is almost 17), I say from experience: don't fight over the time w/grandma. If he were dumping them off on a friend, or hiring a sitter so he could go out - then I would be upset. But kids need that time w/their grandparents too.

I only WISH that my kids had relationships with their grandparents the way that I did with mine. My biological father rarely took advantage of the time he could have had with me, but my mom let me stay w/his mom regularly and I thank her for that. To this day, those are some of my favorite memories. I stayed the night with one of my grandmothers nearly every weekend when I was growing up, and would stay for a week or two at a time during the Summer. It was precious time for me and I think it would have been sad if I hadn't had equal time with both sets of grandparents.

My family and my oldest son's father & his family are 2500 miles away (in Washington), so my younger children (5 months, nearly 3 & nearly 5) get to see grandparents on my side once a year, if that. Their father's parents don't ask for them on weekends and spend a whole lot of quality time with them like my grandparents did w/me so I think that my kids are really missing out on a special relationship. I know that if I were home, my mom and dad would have the kids as much as possible on weekends because that is what they do with my nieces & nephews.

Be happy that your ex is spending time with the boys and that his mother wants to spend time with them as well. A child cannot have too many people in their life who love them! My oldest son's father has never taken advantage of his visitation rights, he rarely even calls to speak to him (has gone 7 months, even a year w/out returning calls) and his mother never calls him or spends any time with him when he is out there. Right now, he is in Washington because MY mom took the initiative and spent the money to get him out there for the Summer. He will spend time with his father while he is there, and he will likely see his other grandmother, but he knows that neither of them have tried to spend time with him like my family has. I have begged his father & grandmother to call him regularly, send him emails, SOMETHING - send him a plane ticket, do whatever it takes to let him know you care and want to see him...instead they have changed phone numbers, been hard to reach, etc. Just be GRATEFUL that you don't have this situation.

Your ex AND his family have rights when it comes to your children, and if her weren't taking advantage of his rights, his mother COULD get grandparent visitation. Can you honestly say that if YOUR mother wanted your boys to stay the night on one of YOUR nights, you would tell her 'no'? Unless there is some reason for not wanting the boys around his family, then I wouldn't make a big issue of this.

As for the way he talks to you - I have found myself in this same situation all too often. My son & my family members tell me the same thing. I let people (mainly men) walk all over me and talk to me very disrespectfully. We teach people how to treat us, and yes you DO have to stand up for yourself. You can do it in a way that is not stooping to his level (hard at times, I know). When he starts speaking to you that way, just tell him "...change your tone please, I am not going to continue the conversation if you cannot speak to me like an adult and in a respectful manner". You have to let him know (without yelling or being condescending yourself) that you will not tolerate being talked to like that and you have to do it now. Your boys are going to see the way he speaks to you, and unfortunately they will pick up on it and try speaking to you that way when they become teenagers if you don't fix it now. (Again, speaking from experience!) If he doesn't change his tone, or gets nastier, walk away, hang up the phone, kindly ask him to leave, whatever the case may be - END the communication immediately. Do NOT let him talk down to you anymore.

Good luck to you!
Tamara

Hi E. I have been in your shoes...I know how you feel....What happend in my situation is worse...But in yours I see as long as he informs you that the children will be with his mom that would be a reasonable idea...On how he talks to you I would call him up and tell him how you feel about how he talks to you in front of the children but make sure that the kids are not where you can hear you

I feel like time spent with the kids grandparents is important. I am sure that you allow the kids to see your parents if that option is available. Myself, my grandparents took over my fathers visitation on the weekends and I am sure that they treated me better than my father could have at that time. I feel like if you took your ex to court over that issue you would probably be disappointed with the results. The kids grandparents will not be around forever so let them spend the time with them while they can. On the other issues it is hard I know but it takes a bigger person to turn the cheek than to respond to negative behaviors. Your boys will see the better person in you if you refuse to argue with the man. Good Luck and I hope that things start looking up for you. God Bless:)

How you speak and react to your ex speaks volumes to your kids!! Don't stoop to his level by speaking unkindly. In front of your kids you can tell your ex that if he has unkind things to say you will speak to him privately. In time your kids may tire of him badgering you the way he does and decide for themselves that they will skip some of the visits. Teach your kids about respect and unkind words in general so they will know when your ex is speaking ill of you and anyone else he talks about.
mddhf

Hi Elizabeth,
I can't help you with the legal aspects. But I do know that if you continue to let your ex speak condescendenly to you in front of the boys, they might learn that it is ok for a man to speak like that to any woman and might think it is ok to speak like that to you as well. If you must say anything to him in front of the children, try to keep it calm & free of mean & nasty words that will make him know he is getting to you. Don't stoop to his level.
Good luck & keep your spirits up. J. S.

Divorce is never easy, especially when children are involved. I know that you have this in your papers but is it really that big a deal if the kids spend the night with their grandma when he has them. Kids need to spend time with the grandparents. (Unless they are not treating the kids right or complaining about having the kids so much) I think that would be better than grandma calling you and asking for them on your time with them. And if someone on your side of the family wants them over they do that on your time. Maybe this could be used as a talking point for the two of you. "I really don't care if the kids stay at grandmas on your time but if something other than grandma comes up I want them back with me." You will probably have to call him personally on the whole demeaning, talking bad about you thing. Your are correct that kids shouldn't hear you screaming at each other. On the other hand, the danger in not talking about this in front of the kids is that they may begin to think that it is okay to talk disrespectfully to you and other females they come in contact with. As far as telling him he is hateful, selfish, awful and condescending this will get you nowhere fast. He has probably been there, heard that, doesn't care and will get on the defensive, turn you off really fast and nothing will get worked out. You state this arrangement has been going on for just over two years and you have had a new man for two years, could he be jealous of your new relationship. How does he get along with the new guy? How do the kids get along with him? Hopefully your ex will man up and do what is best for the boys, but don't hold your breath. If after trying to talk calmly and rationally to him about this and things don't change then you may have to return to court to get things clarified again. Hope it all works out for the sake of your two boys because they are the ones who will suffer the most if it doesn't. I don't know if what I have said helped at all but I will be praying for you. God bless you and hang in there.

Hi there! I have a situation similar to yours.
The only difference is we have two girls. We started our joint custody agreement in court about two years ago as well. It seems that he does the same thing to me with them going to his mother's house. However, I do not see a problem with that. While I understand he is supposed to offer the time to you first, I also think they should be able to spend time with their grandmother aswell. I think probably atleast once a week may be a bit excessive, but I do not think this should be a problem unless you had plans that you and your son's should've been doing. I definitely think you should just let him know that he atleast needs to check with you first to see if you may have something you want to do with the kids at that time, if you do not, I think they should be able to spend time with his mother. Now, for the way he talks to you. I had the same problem as well, however, he has actually stopped now. I definitely think you should try to talk to him in private. However, I wouldn't tell him how awful selfish, condescending and hateful he is. If he is anything like my ex, then, he will take a huge offense to it and it will end up in a huge fight. I think you definitely need to tell him how he is making you feel the way he talks to you. That definitely needs to stop. You definitely dont want the kiddos to grow up and speak to their wife or ex(hopefully not ex) like that. I think if he starts a big scene, then you just need to tell him, you do not deserve to be spoken to like that and just walk away. After that, any time he starts talking to you like that again, keep walking away and do not let him do it to you. I know that doesnt seem like you're doing alot, but eventually, my ex realized, I wasn't going to put up with it and he has stopped. We actually get along great now. I hope this helps.

My sister has been dealing with some things like this as well. For one thing, you are not teaching your boys anything by letting your ex walk all over you. Yes, they will see the arguements, but they also see how your ex treats you, and that you do nothing to stand up for yourself. You may have to take him back to court unfortunately, if he doesn't comply with the agreement. But, you do really need to let him know you won't allow him to berate you or to not follow the arrangement. It would probably be best to talk to him in private, but he may not be willing to meet you, so you may have to get him at a time when you switch the kids. Unfortunately, divorce can be like this and you have to continue to deal with the issues.

I would also try not to get into the name calling. That is lowering yourself to his level. But, I would press the issue of when he doesn't follow the arrangement. If he begins to put your down, just leave or hang up or whatever. You don't have to listen to it. If your sons hear it and relay that to you, I'd say, "yes, I know your dad feels that way; and it hurts me when he says that, but my responsibility is to be kind to him as much as I can no matter what." Eventually, they will understand and your actions will speak louder than your words.

I am sorry for you having to go through this. Take care and God bless you!!

Pick your battles. I know it is frustrating, but big deal if they spend time with their grandmother during his time. If she is decent I would not worry about fighting this battle.
However you both need to be respectful to one another.
Don't complain so much about him letting his mother spend time with the kids. It will make him think you are nagging all the time and he will tune you out and not listen when there is a truly large significant issue.
Show respect and let him know you expect the same in return.

I'm not trying to insult some of the women that have recently commented but they need to see it from all angles. If they don't have anything good to say, especially the one that says, "Get a life", they should keep their advise to themselves.

You are frustrated because your ex has sent you through the ringer for more parenting time but is offering that time for their grandmother. That is understandable. Some people have had it pretty good and can't see what you are talking about. Yeah, it's cool to spend time with you kids grandma, but that wasn't the request!

Don't talk to him over the phone; you won't get anything accomplished! Keep the conversations short, a cool and calm head, and after you get off of the phone, take a deep breath. You will start to get better as well as your tolerance for his mess! Continue to pray and if your kids are happy, then try and bite your tongue, swallow your pride, and let it go! We don't always get what we want, but it will all work out as long as we believe!

Ex-husbands can be a real pain, most of the time. I would love to tell you to talk to him but I will bet that it won't help on bit. I didn't have the same problem since my kids were much olde when we split and they got tired of the games and decided themselves to stop them. They just stopped going to see him. Oh, he also drank heavily. Short of taking him to court again, I don't think there is much you can do. I would suggest that you keep a journal of what is going on for future reference. The more evidence you get now the better off you will be. Sorry about this but it is just the way they are. I will bet a lot of the language is strictly for your benefit. I know mine was. Like has been told earlier, you do need to stand up for yourself. Personally I would just walk away from him and tell him we could discuss things when he could hold a good conversation. I also would simply hang up the phone when he called either drunk or obusive. After a short period of time he learned that I wouldn't put up with his games.

Karen

Man, oh, man does your story seem like dejavu to me. My kids are grown now & see for themselves what their dad is like (but they love him anyway, b/c he's their dad). As far as I know, there's nothing you can really do legally against him for being a jerk. Just continue to do what's best for your kids and pray for them while they are with him. His parents have rights to see them, too, whether or not that's what you want. He'll continue to use his parents as an easy babysitter when he has other things he'd rather do than spend time with children he doesn't know how to entertain or care for. Divorce is ugly and parts of being a parent are uncomfortable, but always do what's best for the kids. Loving their dad is in their best interest, despite what a loser he may be. I'm sorry I'm not really offering any solutions here, but that was my experience. Good luck.

This is a situation where you have to choose your battles. I wouldn't worry too much about the kids staying with Grandma, that's an important relationship. As long as it's not cutting into your time with the kids, let it go.

How he treats you is another matter altogether. Your boys are learning how to treat the women in their lives by watching how their parents interact. You need to stand up for yourself for the sake of their future relationships. Hopefully you can do that without getting into an argument with your ex. Maybe you should call him up first, and tell him you're not going to allow yourself to be treated that way anymore. (If you really think it will cause a blowup, write it down and hand it to him.) Explain that you don't want your sons to treat their future wives like that, so you (hopefully with his assistance, but if not on your own) are going to teach them how a woman should be treated.

After that, if he talks down to you say, "Don't talk to me like that, I deserve more respect." If he keeps it up, just end the conversation. Say "I'll pick up the kids at noon Sunday (or whatever)" and close the door, or walk away. Whatever you do, don't answer him with anger in front of the kids. Remember, it takes two to argue.

Take the high road here; hopefully your ex will get the picture and change his behavior.

I wouldn't worry about the time your boys are spending with their grandmother. Trust God. Your boys will be fine. You do your part in disciplining and showing a good example and your boys will figure out what is what when they get older. Let them love their Dad and their grandmother.

As for how your ex talks to you- what are you talking about? Is it about your sons? If not, then just say thank you and walk away. If it about your sons, listen. If you have a suggestion, give it. Be polite. Don't let him get to you, that's what he wants.

E.....Being a grandmother myself, I can see that perhaps his mother would want to spend time with her grandchildren. If he has visitation rights and he choses not to spend time with them, then it's his loss. I think you should not worry about it so much. They are being cared for and you don't have to worry about their safety. Relax and enjoy your time off. M. B.

I did not read any of the other responses, but I do know that your children need time with their grandparents too. Just look at it as if you were still married, would you or your husband spend 100% of your time with your kids- NO, no one does. The fact that he is letting his mother spend time with him, whether it's for himself or for her, is beneficial to the kids. Unless her home is unfit, then you have a whole different problem. I'm sure that you value your time with your children very much, especially since you work full time, and I have just learned to face the fact that men do not have the same parenting instincts in general, as we women do. It's not meant to bash men, my husband is very good with our son and his two teenagers, but it's just different. Keep doing what you have been doing, no arguing, no name calling, documenting everything. You do as you wish on your time with your boys and enjoy every minute, BUT DON'T LET THE EX RUIN THINGS. I have 2 other mothers to deal with and I've learned over the last 10 years that you just have to let some stuff roll off your back and get on with your life the way you want it to be. Good luck, I wish you the best.

In my opinion, if he is going to be away from the kids for longer than 4 hours and they stay at his mom's, then so be it. The kids have a right to spend time with and get to know their grandparents, and I'm sure you'd rather he does this on HIS time vs. YOUR time. If he were leaving them for 4+ hours with a babysitter, that would be a different story.

I don't know how you can correct the way he speaks to you unless you have a conversation about it in private with him. I wouldn't call him up and say what you wrote, as you are no better than him if you do that, and nothing will get accomplished if someone feels attacked. However, call him up and gently tell him that the way he speaks to you is disrespectful (have a few instances as examples) and that you would appreciate him not treating you that way in front of your sons, because no good can come of it. In the long run, they will see him doing that and most likely think a lot less of him for it.

Good luck!

I have a few questions to ask you. Please don't take this the wrong way. Do you have a problem allowing the boys to see their grandmother? Has there been any provision for the children to spend time with their grandmother? Is there a grandfather involved as well they get to see?

Some of my fondest memories of growing up was the time I spent with my grandparents! The stories I was told, the things I got to do with them, places we went, extra cuddles, learning to bake cookies, sneaking back up to sit on grandpa's lap and eat ice cream (when grandma supposedly thought I was in bed) and watch a television show! Getting to have newspaper fights, learning to play rummy, Yardley (which is now called Yatzee), pinochole (spelling), cutting up catalogs and making paper dolls, learning to hem. Trips to the farm, etc. and this was time spent with my dad's parents.

Time with my mom's parents offered me trips to Spring Mill State Park, reading Oz books, trips to the airport to watch the planes come in, the Isach Walton League breakfasts on the Kankakee River, fishing, trips to Alanson Michigan and fishing on Lake, watching Flash Gordon on grandpa's lap, learning to tend to the roses, a knowledge of wild flowers and why while Marijuana has a beautiful blue flower you can't bring it home and plant it in the garden, playing in the auto parts store, drawing, pastels, oil painting, playing with the WWl army helmets and other gear, trips to the zoo and the museums in Chicago, I was raised in Crown Point Indiana and it was 45 minutes away so that is where we went for zoos and museums.

When people get a diviorice they often forget they aren't just separating from each other, they are causing pain and a definite removal of people, support, and unconditional love, and family who can be so very important in a child's life. A part of your children's heritage that can mean so very much in their lives.

That is why I ask about the provision for your children to spend time with his mother and possibly father. This time and sharing can be so very important.

I will give you the fact he should let you know they will spending some of his allotted time with his mother and possibly father. All parents have a right to know where their children are in case of emergency. Ask yourself if he told you his family wanted to spend time with the children what your reaction would be. In a spiteful way would you state you want to have the children with you instead? Would you allow them the time with their grandmother? Are you being selfish in this as well as being duped? Are you just angry because he didn't tell you? Are you trying to keep your children away from their grandparents because they are his parents and your don't like the way he turned out?

As for his talking to you in disrespectful and condescending ways you do need to address this with him. When he comes to pick the children up I would simply tell the children you need a few minutes with daddy. Walk outside, meet him in the yard or driveway, parking lot, whatever, and tell him you don't appreciate his speaking to you that way in front of the children. Stay calm, it doesn't have to be a fight unless you let it become one. Calling him names, telling him he is selfish prick, etc., is a way to incite a fight and in my opinion is stooping to his level. I think you are a better person than that. It takes two people to fight, if you refuse to allow it to become one there won't be one. You can express your opinion without being ugly about it. Write down what you would really like to say then sort it out so you are saying it without being ugly. "You know, his name, I really don't appreciate the way you talk to me in front of the children. It isn't acceptable. I don't speak to you disrespectfully and I want you to stop talking to me in that manner in front of the children." The next few times he does it after that you have the option of looking straight at him, smiling, and saying, "We discussed this. This conversation is over." Turn back to the boys, give them a hug and kiss, tell them good-bye, and walk away. You will get your point across and make him look like an idiot.

I will pray for all of you.

Like it or not your ex's Mom is the children's Grandparent and unless she has done something awful to the children she does have a right to spend "Quality Time " with them.Kids need Grand parents to love them and spoil them a little.My own Grand parents taught many of lifes lessons before I made mistakes I would have regretted.
Do your children spend time with thier Aunts, Uncles.Cousins or your parents ? Kids need these people.
You do need to stand up for yourself but your Children are not just your Property, they do have Free will even at 4 and 7. If they don't want to go to Grandma's find out why, other wise let them be Happy. It is better than a Day care ever could be.

Elizabeth,
Is there a reason that you don't want your boys with your ex-mother-in-law? The relationship between your boys and their grandmother shouldn't stop because their mom and dad divorced. There is no such thing as an ex-grandparent. You didn't mention if the boys get to see their grandma during the time they are with you, but I'm assuming since she is his mom, not yours, that they don't. As a grandparent, I hope you realize that the more people that love and appreciate your children the better and the bond between children and grandparents is truly a special one. Hope this helps you.
J.

E.-
I am going to sound a bit harsh, I apologize but really think about what I am saying here......( ia m part of a split family so I know this issue very well)

Your sons are spending time with their family, their GRANDMOTHER and you are going to take their father to court about it? It sounds to me that you are the selfish one here. I can understand why your ex is talking to you disrespectuflly when it comes to this issue. When the boys are with him, it is his decision to whom he exposes the kids to. Spending quality time with gandma is actually GOOD PARENTING. Allowing those boys those memories of someone special in their life. Kids with parents who are still married go to grandmas house sometimes for weeks at a time to form those special bonds.

It sound to me like you feel guity about being a divorced parent, you think you are the oNLY one who can really love these kids, you sound very controling. LET IT GO.

If you would have said he was sending them to some annonymous babysitter I might have supported you but this is GRANDMA this is FAMILY. I think you are really wrong on this one.

Yes, you are very correct about the kids not witnessing a fight between the two of you. Your last paragraph to me just sounds so bitter... your divorced for a reason, I get that but the two of you have 2 wonderful sons together, try to love him for loving those boys.... pray for him don't hate him its too much energy wasted. You and he are divorced therefore how he parents at his house is none of your business unless the kids are actually being harmed. You seem to think the kids go to his moms because he is selfish could it be that he values his mother and her influence on the boys? Could it be that he is doing the absolute best he can ( or what he thinks is his best?) If you are dating a wonderful man be happy , hope it goes further and that this man shows the boys what YOU think a father should be when at your house. They will figure it out. But in the mean time, allow them to have their relationship with granny....

Going thru the courts RIGHT now about the SAME thing! The child's mother does NOT offer first right of refusal (even when going thru the child custody evaluation - had the nerve to tell the CCE that she couldn't find a sitter & cancelled her appointment, yet didn't offer father his FROR! She does not give half the time at vacations, etc. Dad got 8 hours at Christmas rather than half the vacation. She always treatens to call the cops and has a couple of times EVEN WHEN HE'S SCHEDULED TO HAVE HER AND IT DOESNT NECESSARILY COINCIDE WITH WHAT SHE WANTS!

THEREFORE.......we are going thru child custody evaluations, etc to get FULL CUSTODY. Not necessarily to take her from her mother but rather to have CONTROL over what gets done, (she's been negligent on medical issues - shots, etc. and has NEVER taken her to a dentist - she's 6!) They currently have joint legal, but since mom can't seem to follow the guidelines and thinks she can make her own, we're going after her for FULL custody. Then, she can see her as much as she wants WITHIN the guidelines and her dad has control over making sure she gets what she needs. Mother uses her as a pawn to try and get what she wants....mainly $$.

Never took her ANYPLACE, played w/ her, etc until THIS YEAR after the CCE was awarded. Now, she buys her clothes, toys, has taken her a couple of places, etc trying to look like a decent mom. It will take her YEARS to make up for what she hasn't done!

Sometimes, when they don't comply, LEGALLY is the way. If he doesn't want the expense, then try to work it out outside of the court. Based on what the CCE told us.....that CAN happen!

I tend to agree with the other responders. Unless your children are being harmed (physically or mentally) there is not much legally that you can do. If you were to get this in court, more than likely you would be frowned on as being "difficult" (or just wanting to be a b*t**) You cannot control your ex anymore than he can control you. Child Orders are NEVER followed to a T and shouldn't (if positive) it shows your children that you are not trying to keep them from their parent. I believe that access to both parents should be allowed all the time (within reason) they should be able to feel that they see each parent equally. (best interest of the child)