Advice-5 Year Old and Neighbor Child Not Made to Follow Same Rules and Argue

I agree with having them play only at your home or when you can supervise. It is not fair for your son that the other parent is allowing name calling, even at this age it can begin to affect their self image. We have had several of the same issues.
We solved sharing by using a timer and allowing one child to play with the coveted toy for 5 minutes then when the timer went off he had to give it to the other child for 5 minutes. Be sure to use the timer so they can hear when there time is up. If they choose not to share the toy it gets put up so they may not play with it again that day.
We solved the mean name calling and fighting by only allowing them to play when they were getting along. As soon as they started fighting or calling names or being mean they had a warning. The next time it occurred the child visiting was sent home and they could no longer play for the day. When they got together the next time the same thing took place, it only took a few times for them to learn to share and be nice or they weren't allowed to be together.
Another thing I did was if we were at someone elses house and their child was being mean to my child and their parent would not make their child be nice I would just say "OK son since _______ doesn't want to be kind and play today we don't need to stay here any longer, let's go get some ice cream and come back another day when ____________ wants to play nice" of couse I would say it loud enough for the parent to hear so that she would get the hint that my child no longer needed to be treated this way. (This happened with one of my friends children, once I did this she began realizing she needed to stop the meanness or we weren't coming over)
Good luck, you just have to stand firm and stand up for your child. If you do not it is apparent that it won't happen in this relationship. Some parents just need to have someone show them what is acceptable and what is not before they get it.

Tough one. Just tell him that different houses have different rules & that's ok. Tell him it's not ok that another person can call him names & be mean. Tell him that some people are mean because they are sad on the inside, & they want other people to be sad with them. Tell him it's not his fault that she's mean, so her words should mean nothing to him. Tell him if they just can't get along then they won't play together.

We're kinda in this situation now, so good luck!

I had the same situation here. I started not allowing my children to play at the others house. They had to play here or not at all. The other mother in our situation does not make her children follow rules either. Anyway, that may be hard to do since the girl is only 4, but maybe if you are not there to supervise he cannot play with her? At least that way you could monitor the situation and step in before you son gets so irritated that he calls names or whatever. Just a thought. Hope that helps.

J.

Our family rules are that you don't have to share with someone unless you choose to. However, the non-sharing child will have to go to their rooms to play with the toy alone, not in front of those that she doesn't want to play with. If they are doing it just to be mean, then I strongly remind my kids that Mom and Dad might not want to share anything with them later. For example, I might not want to share a ride to the grocery store, or for a walk around the neighborhood. This works for us because there are some toys that they don't want to share in case it gets broken or something...which is kind of how our rule started. With neighborhood kids, I have kindly said "you are welcome to play and share or take the toy home." As far as teaching the little girl how to share, I would only bring out one toy that he has agreed to share. And make sure you ask him with her standing there, "Would you like to share this toy with your friend?" Then in front of her make a big deal about how nice it is for him to share with her. Remind her that any toys she brings out to play with can be shared or taken home. Stay close so that as soon as the arguing starts you can send her home until they agree to play nicely together again. And make it a joint scolding so that she knows she is just as wrong as he is. "Obviously, you two can't be nice, so you will just have to go home and try again tomorrow!" But don't take away the outside time, just the together time. So they can both see that it isn't as fun to play without friends.

First and foremost, stay firm in the way you want to raise your son. Remember you can not control others. Talk to your son about the fact that his family has a set of rules, because there are some things that you think as parents it is important to teach him. Other family have other things that they think are important. Make sure to discuss with him HIS boundaries, never mentioning the other girls issues. Make sure that he understands his consequences for making good choices and making poor choices. Be prepared to be very consistent with follow through, and never comment on the other child. When your child is playing nicely, sharing, etc. make sure that you take a moment to say, "I really like the way you are sharing, (insert name) that makes me so proud of you!" Then you will be giving reinforcement for the behaviors you want from your son. Make sure to give these compliments regardless of who he is or isn't playing with.

Next take time to role play with him. With out naming or labeling who the child is who is having difficulty sharing take turns being the sharing child and the child who is still learning how to share. Empower your son with ways to handle his anger and frustration he feels when he is with a child who won't share. Teach him how most people want what you have and if you don't act all to interested in what someone else is playing with, eventually they will tire of it and it will be put down so that he can have a turn. Talk about how it feels to be on both sides of the fence, as the child and as a parent who is proud or disappointed in choices that are made...not in the child.

Finally, after a few weeks of both of these things, have a discussion with him, pointing out that the neighbor girl is still learning her sharing skills and ask him if he still wants to play with her. If he does, simply continue on in your way of doing things and he will turn out to be a child with behaviors which you value. Who knows the neighbor mother may even notice that your son has learned new coping skills with her daughter who is still learning to share and it might spark her to up her parenting game...then again..maybe not.