My 27-year-old son lives at home. He has a f/t job, helps with the house, helps pay bills. He has been seeing a 24-year-old girl for a while. She has a 5-year-old son. I like them both and we get along well. However, she had been in a long-term relationship (not the father of her son but the boy calls him Dad). She moved back home because he was verbally abusive to her (not her son). She has a terrible relationship with her mom. I've known her mother for 25 years and she is not easy to live with.
My son has asked if his girlfriend and her son could move in. (She was not the one to bring it up.) There are so many factors. We don't have an extra room. We have a room not used during the school year because my youngest is away at college. I'm not sure how this will affect their relationship. I'm not sure how this would continue the poor relationship between the girlfriend and her mother. Her son would eventually have to switch school districts (he is in kindergarten).
I know she is the type to help out around the house and with finances and food. She works f/t and is going to school at night. In fact, honestly, I'm amazed at what she has faced at a young age and how strong she is.
I'm trying to see all sides of this. It's our nature to automatically want to help. I'm just worried about all the factors that will go in to this decision. Any input would be great. Thanks.
Thank you everyone for your input. Everything mentioned had already gone through my mind. I just needed to hear it from others.
To clear up a few questions, my son was living on his own for quite a while. He got sick in late 2013 through most of 2014 with a lung infection, had to quit his job, and moved home. He is healthy now and back working and saving to move out again.
Thank you to J.B., who gave a different perspective. I appreciated a different point of view.
We will not be having any new housemates. I don't think it is fair to us or to them. In the meantime, they are continuing to save money and are looking for someplace to reasonable to live. Not easy where we live, but doable.
Thanks again for your support.
I recommend she find her own place and not live with anyone but her son for at least a year. She needs to heal and get counseling about the abusive relationship she just left. If she needs help with move in fees I would consider helping her but only with an agreement in writing for her to pay you back.
Sounds like a great time for them to move in together:) I know there are extenuating circumstances, but I moved in with my fiancee (now husband) the day I graduated from college and never looked back. By 24, we had moved to Germany (military). I just don't get people who live at home forever...
It's too much instability for this little 5 year old boy. He has a biological father, an abusive live-in mother's boyfriend, a difficult grandmother, and now another mother's boyfriend. The girl needs to establish independence and provide a stable, loving home for her son. Please don't contribute to this ongoing problem. The problem does not lie with rescuing the girl or her son. The problem lies with the fact that the girl is not mature enough to realize that she needs to be a mother, without a boyfriend right now. Her entire focus should be on helping this little boy develop trust, stability, and love so he doesn't grow up to be an abusive boyfriend, a father who abandons his family, or a freeloader.
Your 27 year old son also needs a place of his own. If he chooses to move this girl in with him, that's his choice, as he's an adult.
I have two children. One is 27, one is 23. The 27 year old, my son, lives on his own and works. He has a college degree. I want to help him, because he's my boy and I love him. So I help him. If I'm cooking something I know he enjoys, I make a serving for him to take to work for his lunch (a couple of times a month at most) and he comes by and picks it up, and thanks me. I meet him once a month at a local cafe to catch up on his job and life, and visit, etc. That's the kind of help that is actually helpful. It gives him some good food and a break on his grocery bill, but he knows he can't eat here every night. You're not helping your son by allowing him to live at home since he seems to be a healthy normal young man with a job.
My 23 year old daughter lives at home, because she has serious medical problems, and cannot drive. She'll probably live at home for a long time. I drive her to doctors' appointments and manage her medications and insurance paperwork and help her by cooking her food, and basically taking care of her. That's the kind of help she needs. It's a requirement, and my husband completely agrees with her living with us and although I do most of the care, my husband works hard so that I can stay home with her.
Please stop helping by enabling dependence on you. Tell your son he has 60 or 90 days, or until January 1, 2016, to get his own place. But in the meantime, no roommates. The girl may need rescuing, but not by a casual boyfriend's helpful mother. Her focus must be on her son, and no one else right now. Moving her in to your home would allow her to escape all her responsibilities, even if she helps with the vacuuming and dishwashing. There's too much risk for this little 5 year old boy.
Your son is 27 and working full time. She is 24 working full time. If they want to live together they can get their own place and live together. You don't have the room. It is not fair to take your other son's room. Where would he stay when he comes home. This is his house too.
Not a good idea all around.
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No. He is an adult. He has a job. He can get his own place and move her in there.
You will be creating a problem with her mother and in your own home.
You don't have the extra room.
NO. NO. NO.
There is nothing wrong with a 27 year old man living with his parents but when you want to play family it is time to live on your own.
She's just out of a long-term relationship, she and your son aren't entirely committed (not that I think it has to be based on marriage only), and everyone is willing to uproot this young child and change his home, his male role model and his school district. If it doesn't work out, what's the plan? Move the boy and his mom out again?
Say no.
If your son is committed to this woman (vs. just wanting to rescue her), then the 2 of them can get a small apartment in the boy's school district. Since both work full time, and they don't need to live with either her mother or you. If they are adult enough to move in together and put your son in the role of father-figure, they are adult enough not to live with parents. It's actually time for your son to move out anyway, even if he's not with this woman - unless you are depending on him to meet your own expenses.
This sounds like it has "disaster" written all over it.
Do you think you could talk to your son about why this is just such a bad idea for his relationship? There are so many reasons this is a bad idea. She just got out of a bad relationship. They need time to just date. She has a son. Before uprooting his life again, they need to have a more solid relationship.
I wouldn't talk to him about why it's not convenient for you or why your house is too small. Those reasons might be true, but those will only make him feel like it's all about you a and you're not be supportive of him. This is a bad idea for him. It's a bad idea for his relationship.
Time for your son to move out.
I could see letting them live with you for 6 months while they get married and find a place, but to play house in your house? Nope.
Personally, unless she is in danger or abused at home, I would work towards helping your son find a place for them all away from your home rather then letting them settle in with you. If he is 27 and working full time why is living on his own not something he has been working towards already? If he is ready for a ready made family then he needs to be ready and able to support that ready made family. My answer would be no.
You have your answer. It is no. Once she moves in your whole home will be upside down. You other child when he comes home will not have a room and there will be words.
It is nice that you want to help but it is not your problem. She should try to find a place of her own. She can contact a domestic shelter and they can give her a list or places for her to contact and find a home. Don't invite trouble in. She has family in the area. Their relationship is not your concern.
If you son is upset, he too can move out. You have raised your children and now it is time for them to be on their own. It is not his responsibility and he should not get tangled up in this hot mess.
I am sorry it sounds cold but it is time for her to learn that life is life and she has to make her way in it.
Should you feel like helping her, put time limits on it like three to six months to get up on her feet and then she is out. Make it clear to her that you will not be the babysitter of this child. Do not make her feel comfortable make it so she will want to find her own place.
If you don't you will be on here in a year writing how to get her out of your house and your son away from her.
the other S.
ETA: If you wanted to run around naked in your home with your hubby you couldn't because you have others in the house. If you wanted to get frisky in the middle of the afternoon on the dining room table you couldn't. Your house your rules.
No. You don't have the room and it would not be fair to displace your college age child for your son's girlfriend and child.
Your son is 27. Why doesn't he get his own place then he can ask anyone he wants to live with him.
If your son wants to live with his girlfriend, it's time for them to get their own place.It's nice that you want to help, but who knows for how long? What will happen when your youngest returns from college?
I'm not overly conservative, but I do think that if your son wants to live with this young woman, he needs to look at their long term situation and not just try to rescue her from this situation. I mean, if he wants to marry her and be a stepdad, that's one thing, but helping out a girl he's been 'going out with' for a while... I'd be wary.
If you do decide to do something, even temporarily, have everything-- expectations, financial arrangements, house rules, etc in writing. Remember, too, that if things go awry,you will have to take legal measures to evict her because she will be a renter. So, go forward very cautiously. It's nice that you have a giving heart, but if it were me in this situation, the answer would be "no".
No, I'm sorry, but no. Your son needs to grow up and be a man. That means acting like an adult and not playing house in YOUR house.
PLEASE require your son to grow up, B.. Don't enable him. If he wants to live with this woman and her child, then he needs to go find them an apartment and learn what it means to be responsible.
No. She should get her own apt. and rebuild her life from there. These are not kids ... both her and your son are in their 20s, so they need to act like adults and not depend so much on parents anymore.
No room means there's no room - so it's a no go.
Don't do it.
It's not fair to your other son to give his room away while he's at school.
If your 27 yr old son wants to live with someone, he needs to get his own place and then he can do as he pleases.
IF you had room, it would be wise to write up a renters agreement/lease - it should cover how long this arrangement would last (renew monthly or annually), - it should never be indefinite.
What if your son and this girlfriend have a falling out - how would eviction work?
Would you be expected to baby sit?
If they want to play house, your son and his girlfriend are certainly old enough to be out on their own and they can work out all the details.
Instead of moving people into your 27 yr olds room, I'd be making plans to turn his room into an exercise room or retreat for yourself.
Time to nudge this 'baby bird' out from your nest.
My daughter stayed home until she was pregnant. She and her boyfriend found a studio apartment. Both were working at low paying jobs. I help with rent.
I believe it's OK to continue living at home when you're single. Once they want the significant other to move in, they need their own space. I had a large bedroom for them and thought "why not?" Didn't work out.
Living together is a major adjustment for everyone. The kids want to be independent. Some house rules will need to be changed. You have ways of keeping house that are different than hers. A child will need time to adjust, feel safe and secure in his new home. A home with a child is different than one with all adults. The only semi-private space is in their bedroom. Who will babysit while they work? It's likely that you, as an experienced parent will handle things differently than his mother. You will need to not teach, make suggestions, and honor mom's way of doing things even when you see that what she and your son do isn't working. Your household expences will increase
Keep in mind she is on her best behaviour. Do you know how she handles stress. Your son and girlfriend will be learning how to relate to each other. I suggest the dynamics of relationships will change for all of you.
Is there a reason they can't have there own home? That would be best. I might agree to her moving in for a short period of time while they look for a house or apartment. Say 2-3 months.
If they have a limited income and meet.other requirements, they can get state assistance for housing, food. Your county has moderate income housing. They might qualify for that. Rents are considerally lower than market rents.
My daughter and her husband and 4 children still live in housing for low income families. Once you move in, you can stay even if your income increases. My daughter asked a lot of questions to find these resources.
When young families live with parents they are just "playing house." They need to live where they make decisions and learn through consequences. Where they can have space to build their relationship.
Make your decision only after thinking through what life will be like and what you need.
At 27 your son shouldn't be living at home. He has a full-time job, why not get his own place? I don't get that first of all. If he has a girlfriend with a child and they both work full-time and can afford a small apartment, that's what they should do.
Ummm, no. We don't have a bedroom for her and her child and they won't be living with you in your room. You are welcome to look for apartments for her and you and her child if you want to be roommates with her though.
This has trouble written all over it, and for too many reasons to list. If your son wants to live with her (or rescue her) he needs to do it in his own place.
No. If they're serious, they can get engaged and find a little 2 bedroom apartment or home in the child's school district. Maybe as a gift/help you can do the security deposit for them. But they're both adults, both working, and together they can make it work, if they really are together.
If both work full time, then they should get their own place. Once you let them in, it will be more than hard to get them out. I know you like her and all and you THINK you know what sort of a person she will be after she moves in, but you don't REALLY know - you just THINK you do. Many people are very different behind closed doors. If it were me, I would not allow it. Having had the gf and child in my home, I KNOW how hard it is to get rid of them. Even if she and your son break up, you will have to go through a formal eviction process to get them out if she doesn't voluntarily go. Nope. Just offer emotional support and let her figure it out on her own.
Tough position to be in. I think that if you were to OK this, it would have to be with written agreements and a clear deadline in sight, as well as clarity around what your son and his girlfriend intend as a relationship.
I was 22 and single when my oldest was born and being able to move back in with my parents changed the course of my life, and my son's. With their help, I was able to work FT in a position with good salary and benefits (that launched my career), pay for part-time childcare (my mom helped out with babysitting as well), keep up with my student loan and car loan payments, and move forward with my life. Without that help, I would have had to declare bankruptcy, sell my reliable car and buy a beater to keep my assets below allowable limits, delay working and go on welfare because childcare and rent were not affordable together. With their help, I was able to pay a reasonable amount of rent ($200 a month), save money, pay down some debt and get into my own apartment after 3 years, and bought my first house when my son was 5. It really made a huge difference for me. My parents and I have a great relationship and they knew that I was trustworthy, reliable and driven to move on so this arrangement worked well but if they thought I was slacking off or taking advantage of them, it would have been harder for them to be patient. I kept them in the loop on my finances (paid off that credit card and only 6 car payments left, yay! Halfway to having my first, last and security deposit saved up, woo hoo!) and kept my personal spending to a minimum, spending only what I needed and very little else.
That said...it's not OK for this little boy to keep moving around, and not fair to have his son and you and your husband and other kids in his life if their relationship isn't moving towards marriage. Of course they shouldn't rush into marriage over this (a step they might regret later), but if that's not where this relationship is going, then if they end their relationship, this little boy eventually loses non only your son's presence in his life, but his home and the relationships with you and the rest of your household.
If I were you...if they look to be heading down the path of marriage, I would be open to this kind of living arrangement provided that they acted financially responsible, helpful, respectful and knew that this had a time limit. If the relationship isn't that serious, though, I would advise against it to spare the boy unnecessary drama and instability.
I'm most concerned about the child. It sounds like he's had a lot of instability (bio-dad not in the picture, living with an unstable father figure, then living with grandma, and now possibly moving out of grandma's house). Presumably the little guy has spent time with your son. Now he might move in with you. What if it doesn't work out between your son and GF? Then this poor child is losing even more people who he became attached to.
To me, it sounds like the GF needs to stand on her own two feet for a while to get her bearings. Maybe you can help her by helping her figure out if she qualifies for any public assistance that would allow her to get her own place with her child. Does the college have childcare? Could she get rent assistance? What other services might be available to her?
I've played house with a guy and lived with his parents, and that was just a bad idea. We weren't seriously committed, and it really was a weird arrangement, and I regretted it later. Live and learn.
If it were me, I would not allow it. No way. First of all, unless they are deeply committed, saving for a house, getting married, etc. I wouldn't encourage anyone to live together just to save on finances - especially when a child is involved. She needs to create stability on her own with this child. That is not your responsibility. At all. In fact, I think you'd be overstepping here.
My MIL does this. She got way too involved with my BIL's friend and child - paying their grocery bills, buying the child clothes, and having the child to stay for weekends at a time. When the relationship went south, the kid then lost a surrogate grandmother. My MIL did it because she needed something in her life (has a hole). She felt she needed a project. Well, I just don't think that's ever a good idea. The little one keeps meeting and losing new people in her life as the mom goes from one guy to the next.
Good luck :)
If you don't want her to move in then she doesn't move in. It really doesn't matter all the ins and outs of why when bottom line is no. Now, if you want to help, why not help your son move OUT so that they can form a household together without as much impact on you/the child/your college student? Since they are both working, then they should be able to afford something together.
I've honestly seen a few of these "do x to save y" relationships and they rarely end up well. If your son truly wants to help her (she is not asking for your assistance) then he can help her move out of her mother's home vs just into yours. She may appreciate the hand up vs the handout, if you follow.
You didn't mention why your son is still living with you, but it looks like the time has come for him to leave the nest. They should look for their own place to rent together. This is extra important with a child in the mix. Kids fare best when they have the stability of their own home. Living in his mommy's boyfriend's mother's house isn't stability.
They are both old enough to take on full adult responsibilities. If he/she/they are unable to do so for some reason, then they should probably put the relationship momentum on the backburner and address their individual dependency challenges so that they can both be independent as adults, who may choose to live together in the future.
Nope.
The kindest and best thing you can do for these two hard-working, strong, generous adults is shut your doors. They deserve the satisfaction of standing on their feet even if their first apartment is very modest and even if things don't work out a year from now when the lease is up.
Nothing good can come from the overcrowding and codependency of moving her and her child in. You will all go insane. Her relationship with her mom has no bearing at 24. I left home at 17 and never looked back, and by 27 I had my own business in NYC. It's amazing what people can accomplish when they have to. If she is an amazing, strong helpful person, and so is your son, then they will be able to manage. If childcare costs are too high for their income, she will qualify for lower cost child care. You can help with love and a housewarming gift.
I know you want to help, but it will only prolong the stage in which they need help. Your son is almost 30 and isn't thinking of how he can move out, but how he can move other people in. If he has a serious girlfriend with a child, he will benefit by being the man of his own house.
If no one thinks their relationship is serious enough yet for this, then TRIPLE NO to moving her in.
No no no no no no and then no. No to the girlfriend&her son moving in, and most importantly no to your son still living at home.
I moved out 2 weeks after high school graduation and I'm now 50 yrs old, never went back home. I had a wonderful child hood and loved my parents , so it wasn't anything like that, but I just wanted to live my life and be an adult.
Its wayyyy past time for him to live on his own and then he can move whoever he wants in with him, that's his choice to live with. It shouldn't effect you at all.
I would suggest figuring out how you can help them get their own place. Maybe give them $ for a security deposit, any furniture/household basics you can spare. Help them shop at thrift stores for any other furnishings. Maybe get them some cleaning supplies, towels, whatever you can do. But not having them move in is the right call!!
agree with AV on this one. if your son is working and the gf is working. why not encourage them to get a place together. i lived with my hubby for a year before we were married. and we have been together for 10 years, have 2 kids and several fur/feather babies.
