Boyfriend's Mother Continously Throws Away My Belongings. How Do I Act Properly

Updated on May 13, 2019
L.B. asks from Miami, FL
17 answers

My boyfriend and I had lived alone, then his mother moved in because she didnt want to live with her bf. Whenever I leave to visit my family for 3 months, she "cleans" my studio room with all my belongings. The first time she did this and I went back, my new hair dryer and new puma shoes went missing. After two years I've found out she's actually kept my hair dryer for herself and has even forgotten shes stolen it as she gave it to me to borrow. My shoes were put in the garden for some reason, covered with mud. Now she's just started throwing things away when I'm here. My doc marten shoes which are over $100 has suddenly gone "missing" after she's had a clear out where they once were. A coat i made for my dog when she was ill and passed away in has also gone missing. I can't stand her and its hard to confront her about all of this because she thinks because its her house now that she can dispose of my belongings whenever she pleases. She is very childish and wants everything her way. When I've told her I didn't want to be racially attacked by her other son, she told me to get out of the house and leave if i didnt like it.

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So What Happened?

I'm moving and breaking up with him. Thank you everyone for all your advice! I appreciate it very much :)

Featured Answers

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D..

answers from Miami on

Wait a minute! Dead dog’s coat?? Is this an autocorrect? No one makes a coat from dead dogs except Cruella de Vil. This post has to be from a troll if it’s not an autocorrect.

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

D.B.

answers from Boston on

I'm not sure what the cultural background is of everyone involved here, so it's hard to know what the motivations and expectations are. For example, if she's from a culture where the elder person (or the mother, or both) are brought into the child's house and then run the show, you have to understand that before you can know how to approach it. I'm not saying you have to agree with it or put up with it, but you have to figure out where she and your boyfriend are coming from. If you're in a racially diverse situation and there are prejudices involved, you have another problem.

My concern is that your boyfriend is putting up with this, and allowing his mother to not only live there but also take over. So I think you have a boyfriend problem more than a boyfriend's mother problem.

If you could stand her and she just had a problem with "cleaning" (or perhaps a mental illness), I'd say to put everything you own in a storage unit for 3 months while you visit your family. Everything. Yes, it's an expense, but it's better than replacing expensive shoes and sentimental items like the coat you made for your dog (if that's what you did). But you can't stand her. So why are you living with her?

I think there may be insurmountable cultural or mental issues here, and you probably should move to an apartment you can afford by yourself. If you want to keep dating your boyfriend, that's up to you. But if he's choosing his mother and his brother over you, that's a good indicator of what your life will be like with him forever if you stay together. Think that through. I realize she may be trying to drive you away from her son, and moving out would do exactly that, but you're miserable now anyway, so why not?

5 moms found this helpful
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M.C.

answers from Chicago on

Wow, where is your boyfriend in all this? If he is not standing up for you, then I would definitely be out of there no matter who's place it is. This does not seem like it is ever going to change since it's gone on for so long already with boyfriend not doing anything to stop it.

4 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Your boyfriend allowed his mom to move in and it looks like he doesn't have the guts to evict her.
This has been going on for 2 years?
Then it's not a temporary situation.
Your boyfriend has no boundaries when it comes to his mom - that is disrespect to you.
Don't think he doesn't know what his mom is taking from you - how can he not know?

This boyfriend is a dead end relationship.
Boyfriend wants his mommy more than he wants you (and sex) - he's made his choice - it's not you - accept it.
You need to move out and move on.
Leaving to visit your family for 3 months is a long time.
You should live closer to your family so your belongings are not unattended for such a long time.
It could be worse.
You could be married (with child(ren)) to this idiot and that would make leaving harder.
But you're not! - lucky you! - so leave - and then celebrate!

Additional;
I think it was a coat for her dog who is now deceased.
Not a coat made from her dead dog.

4 moms found this helpful
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E.B.

answers from Denver on

Simple questions:

Who owns this house?

If it is an apartment, exactly whose names are on the lease?

Who of the three of you (you, your boyfriend, and his mother) has a job, an income, or some finances?

Does your boyfriend tell his mother to stop stealing your possessions?

4 moms found this helpful

C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

1. Does your boyfriend tell her to stop and stick up for you? Are you a team?
2. Why don't you and he kick her out? Or if I read this wrong and it is her place, why don't you and he move out?
3. Personally, I would move out and get my own place. You could not pay me to have a parent live with me.

4 moms found this helpful
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J.F.

answers from Las Vegas on

Your post is hard to follow. In the beginning, it sounded like you and your boyfriend had a place together, and then, he allowed his mom to move in when it didn't work out with her boyfriend. Later in the post, you say it's her house.

While she should not be throwing away your property, there is little you can do because it is HER house. As such, you cannot kick her out.

The only thing you can do to save your property, your dignity, and your sanity is to move out and find a place on your own. That might mean living in a less desirable apartment or area, but who would put up with such drama and ridiculousness? I wouldn't.

What kind of man is your boyfriend that he'd be ok with this, with your things being destroyed or discarded and his older brother hurling racist slurs at you? If he cared about you and your relationship, he'd have suggested that you two move out of this horrible living arrangement and find a place for yourselves.

Sounds like he hasn't offered to do that, so if I were in your shoes, I'd do whatever it would take to move out of this mess and consider it a blessing that you've seen this family for what they truly are. They are not going to change. You cannot change them. Don't put yourself through the delusion and misery of trying. Get out now while you are, presumably, young and without children. Can you imagine having children with this man and being tied to this family forever?

I'd run and never look back, but that's just me.

3 moms found this helpful
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M.G.

answers from Portland on

I can't make sense of your post. Whose house/home/apartment is this?

If you can't communicate calmly and clearly, and she has indicated she would prefer that you should leave, then I'd find a new place to live. From what you've written here, your BF hasn't supported your position.

Sounds like a red flag to me. Who needs the drama.

I'd be moving on.

3 moms found this helpful
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H.M.

answers from Dallas on

If your boyfriend will not stand up to her no matter whos house this is you need to get out of there now. He needs to be the one to confront her about it. If it is her house get out and if he wont leave with you then you need to move on and find someone else!

3 moms found this helpful
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G.A.

answers from Aguadilla on

Where is your boyfriend in all of this? Have you told him? Is it really her home legally? If you and boyfriend are the tenants and were there first, and unless her son is giving her the green light for her to behave like the queen bee of the house, the three of you need to sit and have a serious talk. She needs to know her place and if she is not going to respect you, her son is the one that needs to step up and give her an ultimatum, otherwise she is out. He should also tell his brother that no racial comments will be allowed under his roof. If your boyfriend says nothing and lets this happen, then there is a saying in Spanish that when translated means...To the one that has good understanding, little words are needed. In other words, if he doesn't say anything, then you know in what number of priority you stand with him in which case it would be up to you to have the self respect to leave and find someone who indeed puts you first.

3 moms found this helpful
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T.P.

answers from Indianapolis on

I'm trying to figure out if the apartment is your boyfriends and your apartment or if it's his mother's? Anyway if it is your apartment put her out. If it is the mother's apartment you need to leave. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to be supporting you with his mother so why stay there. Get an apartment that you can afford and leave your boyfriend with mommy.

2 moms found this helpful

T.F.

answers from Dallas on

Why are you putting up with it? It is your bf, not husband. If he is not standing up for you now he never will.

Get OUT unless of course, you enjoy this drama.

2 moms found this helpful
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A.L.

answers from Atlanta on

Sounds like you are getting a clear picture of the relationships in this family, and whatever the cultural expectations may be on your side and on theirs, the current situation is NOT working. It may be fortunate that you haven't actually married this guy or had kids with him yet. Perhaps you could have at least a cordial relationship if you weren't living with the mother, however it seems pretty impossible to do that if you are all under the same roof. If I were in your position, I'd be moving out now. If Boyfriend wants to continue the relationship with you, he could follow you, however he's going to have to make that choice actively. To answer your question about how to act properly, I think the only way you'll be able to do that is if you aren't living with her. Good luck with it!

1 mom found this helpful

E.J.

answers from Chicago on

Who’s name is on the apartment lease?
The name on the lease is who gets to live there and make the rules.

If your name is not in the lease, then you have a future glimpse of what your life will be like with this boyfriend. Doesn’t seem like you come first with him. If your name is on the lease then the last sentence is still true, but you have some legal standing. Make sure you protect yourself legally.

Either way, it sounds like your BF has some growing up to do, and may have his handful taking care of his mother if she is struggling with an illness. Do not become her caretaker to convenience him. Might be time to live on your own.

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

what does your boyfriend do about this?

since it's been going for years, it's going to be hard to set good boundaries, but that's where it needs to begin. what did you say or do about it when you first discovered it?

it also sounds as if some mental illness may be in play here.

i dunno. i myself would not choose to live in this situation. but if you do, you have to first make sure your boyfriend has your back and will support you, and then the two of you firmly and lovingly lay down the law. if she has some sort of chronic mental health issue, you may need to have a closet where you actually lock up the stuff you don't want her to have access to.

khairete
S.

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N.C.

answers from San Diego on

Get away from these crazy people.

Have you confronted her?

She is stealing your personal property. What you can do is call the police to your home when she is present and file a police report on the stolen property. This is a civil court action.

Or you can start taking her stuff. See how she likes it.

Either way you need to leave this toxic relationship.

R.P.

answers from Tampa on

It’s your home and you need to put your foot down. She is no one to you.. he is just a boyfriend..,tell him that she needs to get her own place.. let him deal with his own baggage.
And being “racially attacked”-why just why on earth would you ever put up with that?! Life is too short to wast it on idiots! Run or kick him with her out! If must get a roommate! Good luck!

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