Adult Problem with Keeping Friends.

Not everybody fits as a friend. Real friendship depends so much on personality and interests. I'm pretty easy with not having bunches of friends – I'd find it exhausting, I think, but it is nice to have one or two people with whom you feel comfortable, interested, and interesting. Consider joining a club or group – books? sewing? saving whales? – something that YOU find interesting, and you'll probably find people there who like you, and whom you like. And give it time.

I think TF's post was great.

Smile, eye contact. Even if you don't say much and just say hi _ insert name here_ it can go a long way.

I also wanted to let you know that you're not alone! While I haven't moved around a lot, I'm just not big on making new friends. I can talk to new people no problem, but its like it doesn't occur to me to make new friends.

Communities are very much like high school their are groups/clicks that are hard to get into. These are the ones that have been friends of years. Sometimes since high school. There are others that are new to the area that are more open to letting new people in their circle. Being new to a town, I have heard people say I have friends and I am not interest in making new ones. It wasn't directed at me, thank goodness. But it helped me understand how this community works. Some people don't wont them, others already have them. It might have nothing to do with you at all. Friendships are hard work.

You didn't say how old your kids are? If they are in school, be part of the school. PTA, work in the classroom, parent pick up, sports teams, watch practice and talk about their kids. You can set up play dates of parents and kids. Their friend's moms can become your friends.

Ask questions when you communicate with others.

One thing I learned in a Dale Carnegie course 20 yrs ago is.........the one word most special to anyone is their name.

In conversations, ask about them...people tend to love to talk about themselves. I'm not saying personal questions but general topics of conversation.

Smile

Hang in there, it sounds like you need a little more self esteem. You can do it!! Best wishes.

Being soft spoken may not be working to your advantage but it doesn't have to be a hinderance either. I think the easiest way to develop friendships it to start talking to people, as I'm sure you have been doing, and asking them a lot of questions. Make an effort to get to know them and find some common interests between the two of you.

After you have a rapport going on with them, maybe ask whoever it is that you are talking to her (if you feel comfortable with her and want to get to know her better) if she would like to go grab a cup of coffee with you, maybe a bite to eat for lunch, or perhaps you can invite her over to your house for dinner sometime -- whatever feel right and seems appropriate for the occassion.

Sometimes people can be just as shy as you are or they may be in a kind of rut and they kind of forget how to initiate friendships beyond the usually gatherings, so they would probably appreciate your overture.

Hope this helps.

Take the first steps instead of waiting for someone to approach you. Volunteer, ask questions, focus on what you can do for someone else. If you think you're boring, you're probably right. The good news is you can change it almost immediately! Psychology teaches that quiet, introverted people dwell too much on themselves---"what should I say, how do I look, do they like me, am I too ugly, skinny, fat, old," whatever. It's all "I" thinking. Once you let go of that and start to focus on others more, you'll see a difference in how you feel and in how others see you. Church is a great place to start-- there are so many opportunities to help others. Good luck.

Great suggestions.. also start inviting other families to do things together.. It is fun when you can have a group of friends.. Inside of that you will make very close friends.

I have noticed once I had a child some of my new best friends were other parents and then once she started school, many of her teachers and their families also became our good friends..

I know how you feel, and am going thru the same kind of thing. I've been with my husband for 8 yrs, and have cycled thru relationships my whole life. (some longer than others, of course, but things change and people grow apart or change, too...) I've been so busy with my fam (we are 7 strong now) that it seems I've never had much time to re-develop my social life. I wish I could offer advice instead of mere empathy. I have considered joining a local playgroup or even a gym, so I can meet people. I feel defeated tho since I've already reached out to neighbors and such and nothing has flourished. Now that I'm a SAHM it's taking a bit of a toll...it seems we get lost in mommyhood and need to reconnect with ourselves! I suppose if you re-examine your interests and find people who share them, inviting them to hang out with you is the first step. Good luck!

I have always struggled to make friends. As an adult I have learned that there are a couple ways to open doors. First are the parents of kids the same ages. Just invite the family for a fun day. Second is I have to decide to get deeper. I have to share something about myself and take a chance. Maybe ask for help and show I am human and need a friend. I would also suggest letting go of being an entertainer. Just open your heart and home as is. A real friend doesn't expect to be entertained. Also I have always been one to have maybe 3 friends never more. It is quality not quantity for me. Hope that helps.

Start with a play date for the family with the same age kids as you. Invite the whole family for BBQ or and easy "summer" meal. If you have kids the same age you always have a topic of conversation and then be willing to share about yourself. Let them know that you always moves as a child and adult and felt it was time to set down perminent roots. It seems as though you are finally in a place both physically and mentally to let your heart and mind stay in the place your at. Enjoy it but we aware that you have to "let your guard down" to have those friends you so want AND NEED. You have spent your whole life "adapting" (making ways to not get hurt every move) now you have to change your thinking and realize you may still get hurt if a friendship doesn't go the way you hope but it will be OK you will and can survive and be stronger for it! Get out an socialize at church functions too. Voluntere, help as a parent helper at your kids functions but get out there. You never have the opportunity to make friends by staying home!

Hi LL,
It can be really hard to develop true friendships with people in our crazy, packed-schedule lives. I would suggest that maybe you could invite a lady or two over for lunch one day. Or, invite them to meet you out for lunch somewhere if that would be more comfortable for you. I think sharing a meal with people really bonds you together. We try to have people over all the time. We usually have whole families over at once, usually on a Sunday after church. If you don't know who to invite, then I would say to prepare some extra food before church (in the crockpot, or marinating for the grill), then pick someone while you are at church. Enjoy the weather outside, let the kids play, enjoy getting to know each other a bit. Don't do it with an agenda to get invited over to their house because often times that will only lead to disappointment. Make this a habit maybe once or twice a month, as the budget will allow. You will probably find some good friends in the process. To be honest, I find I don't have time during the week to be chatting on the phone with people or otherwise engaging in social activities because I am managing my house during the week. But, it is nice to have fellowship on the Lord's day!

Best advice I got was if you want a friend, you have to be a friend. You need to reach out, open up and take a chance. And agree with previous posts - it's about quality not quantity. A few good friends are better than a handful of acquantainces.

Dear LL, Many people are in your shoes. If there is anyone in your group that you feel you would like to have a friendship with, have you invited her over for lunch or coffee? If you have children, how about a playdate with the children and the moms have time to sit and chat. Are your kids enrolled in any sports or play groups? There you can meet other moms that you have something in common with. Other than that I am not sure what else to. Grandma Mary

I just moved from a small town that was cliquish to a big town. so I have to take the initiative to make friends people here already have friends. I found one girl I have alot in common with ask her about her grandchildren on a frequent basis we discuss what we had for supper last night etc.

another one I became friends with went to work one day and had no money to eat on and I had no money to give her so I took her to my house and let her fix a sandwich (I live close she doesn't) take the first step and look for the openings. its working for me so far. I had problems making friends in a cliquish town. its not cliquish here. nobody here knows I didn't have alot of friends in the other town. I fish on the weekends for an opening. what are you doing this weekend if they say nothing invite them over. if they have plans theres always next weekend. I have also used I am new here will you show me where x store is. can we go shopping together. good luck if you find suggestions that work let me know