How do I tell my 7 year old that she has a 22 year old brother that was adopted? He wants to be a part of our lives and I very much want him to. I have a 7 year old and 2 year old that have no idea he even exists.
Just tell her. My former employer had a 21 year old child come out of the woodwork a few years ago. His wife was afraid of how their two young children (9 and 7 at the time) would take it. They were thrilled and accepted her with no problem.
Kids don't have some of the hang-ups adults do. They are VERY accepting.
Pretty much say what you said here. "A long time ago, I had a baby that I placed for adoption. He is grown up now, and would like to meet you."
Just be honest: " A long time ago, I had a baby, and another family took good care of him. He wants to meet you and your (little brother, little sister). I think it will be fun for all of us to get to know each other."
Keep it simple. I was the older kid who was integrated into my bio-dad's family when I was 14 (my sisters were 10 and 6 at the time). My advice would be not to 'play it up' too much, other than just "here's the short story", keep it super simple. And certainly reassure your kids that you are so happy to be their mom, so glad that they will always be with you. That's a fear which might come up for some kids. I would also limit any pictures to what he looks like, now, just so they know who to expect.
May I also suggest going to meet him on your own, first, and then taking time to digest this before doing a bigger 'family' meet? He may have some questions for you, things may be uncomfortable at times. I'm not saying this to bring you down, just remembering what it felt like to meet my own bio-dad for the first time... I was really glad not to have to meet the whole family first. Find out what he'd like in this regard.
Your question gave me chills (and hope) I have a son that I put up for adoption. He is 19 now. I have a 11 and 8 year old and I often wonder how I would let them know if he ever comes and looks for me.
I will be reading the answers to your post as I honestly do not know how I would handle it.
Many blessings to you
It sounds great! Sure, why not? "Guess what honey? You have a 22 year old brother.. etc."
Just explain that you were too young, etc. etc., so you gave him to people who could give him a good home when you were unable to.
Families come in all shapes and sizes. It's all good!
Children are brillantly accepting little creatures. I bet she will be thrilled! Tell her about it in very simple terms, and then encourage her to ask you some questions about it so you can help her to understand as best as she can.
Just tell her. I bet she will not only be excepting but excited too. Tell her you loved him enough to give him a better life than what you would have been able to provide at that time in your life.
I am so happy for you and your 22 yo son that you have found one another.
Just tell her the truth. Most likely at this age she will just be excited.
I would suggest meeting with a social worker to talk about how to integrate your older son into your family. This could bring up a lot of questions and anxiety in your seven year old. It might be confusing that her brother was sent to live somewhere else. How will she know that she won't be sent somewhere else to live as well? Lots of issues, that's why it may be worth talking to an adoption professional first.
We had an open adoption so we have always been in contact. But I actually spoke to him for the first time a few days ago:) I have never been so happy but I just don't want to confuse my babies!
I have a 7 year old who is getting a baby brother or sister and keeps asking if she can please have an older brother or sister instead. She would love to have me tell her that she gets one. I bet if you couch it in simple terms, your 7 year old will be fine. You can always explain in more detail as they get older.
Just do it. Explain that this son recently reached out to you and you'd love to have him be part of your lives. Explain that he grew up with another family and that they are still his parents, but that you would like to be friends and have a relationship with him. Also explain why you put him up for adoption and how your life is different now, so that he doesn't think you can just give away a child whenever you want (I don't mean that to sound rude or anti-adoption AT ALL...more just thinking of the mind of a 7 year old boy).
Honestly, I think it's really brave and wonderful that you had another family adopt your son and hope that it was the right decision for everyone. I really hope that you can now have a close relationship with him.
One of my best friend's found out in high school that she had a brother that had been adopted as a newborn (her mom was young, an alcoholic, and not ready to be a parent at the time). This son recently re-entered their lives (he's in his 40s now) and they are all thrilled to have a relationship with him and to see how well he was raised and how happy he is.
Just be honest with her in terms that she can understand. Don't make a big production out of it just matter of fact. Ask questions if you have them. Reassure her that she is NOT going anywhere. Let her know that you love this son as much as you love her just that you were very young and could not provide for him that way you wanted and felt it was better for him to have a different family to love and brig him up.
My son also had a few small issues recently when his wife's sister gave up her son after birth. We had explained to him at a very young age that he was adopted and that his parents were very young and not able to provide for him the way they wanted. It is all good and he is fine with how his life has turned out.
If you feel that speaking with a counselor will help, then do it. If you daughter needs a counselor then do it. Just be honest with everyone and be truthful.
My hat is off to you to accept and want to have this person in your life at this age with your younger children.
the other S.
I would strongly suggest that consult with a counselor about this and get counseling for your 7 year old as you introduce their older sibling.
Finding out that you have an older sibling that was adopted out can be very unsettling for kids. I speak from experience as I have an older half-sibling from my dad's first marriage that was adopted by the mother's new spouse (my dad lost all rights to him - long time ago, it was normal in case of divorce). Finding out my dad had a whole separate family before us that had fallen apart - not the happy "reunion" type scenario many other posters have painted. Given that my half-brothers adoption was not voluntary on my father's part, I often feared that at one point or another our family would be ripped up by forces beyond our control (as a 6 year old I didn't really understand relationships and divorce).
If your daughter were a teenager who understands that sometimes adoption is a good solution in case of an unplanned pregnancy it would be different. All that your 7 year old will hear is that her mom gave away a baby that she had. Even if you tell her that you loved him very much - to her it just means that your love wasn't enough for you to keep him. There is not way to put this nicely: your daughter will inevitably come up with a scenario in her head that you may eventually give her away too. Also don't underestimate the talk that will inevitably ensue on the playground when your DD tells her friends about the adopted brother. You will want the school to be aware of this and give your DD tools to deal with potential gossip.
Get some professional help with this, if all goes well you will have a few counseling sessions and that's that - and if problems do crop up, they can be recognized and dealt with early.
Good luck.
You know your daughter - do you think it will be a difficult thing for her? There are so many different kinds of families these days that just the fact that there's another older brother shouldn't cause any societal backlash. It will undoubtedly bring up questions - why didn't you raise him, and why didn't you give me away?
I'm the parent of 3 adopted kids, and each has some different slant to their adoption story - and some of the truth is hard - but I've found that honesty and an openness to answer questions as they come up makes everything ultimately feel okay. If it feels okay to you, it probably will to her too.
Good luck!
The bigger problem is his resentment towards your parenting them and not him. But, be willing to help him work through that. Good luck.
