9.5 Yr Old Daughter Crying

I was pretty much going to say what TF said, I think she's got it. It's hard when you lose someone you love, even a pet. And I think 9-10 is the beginning of those kind of hard years. It's h*** o* little girls because they really are still little girls but I think society expects them to start growing up and being less like little girls and more like teenagers.

Hang in there. Carve out time for special things you do as a family, as mom/daughter, even dad/daughter time. She'll be okay.

When did the crying start? Recently when the cat died? Where does she stay when you are both at work, normally... daily camp, sitter, etc.

My first thought if the crying started when the cat died and the fact that she wants you both to quit jobs and stay with her is that she realizes death is permanent and she is afraid she will lose you as well.

That said, it may also be that she desires more time with you. Do you do things together?

It might be beneficial for her to speak with a counselor in order to get to the root of the issue.

Also, at this age, she is probably experiencing some puberty. Maybe she is afraid to grow up and sees these changes as something she does not like.

Hopefully you have good open communication with her and she knows you will be there for her and knows about puberty and what changes to expect.

I would dedicate time to being with her doing something you both like.

For instance, my now 20 yr old and I always liked watching the reality shows of Bachelor, Big Brother, etc and we watched them together every time they were on. You would be amazed and what I learned about her, her friends, her views and opinions, etc while we watched the shows and chatted. YES, they are stupid shows but it was an avenue for us do enjoy something together and we still do. She moved out almost 2 yrs ago (lives about 20 minutes away) and guess what... on the nights that she does not stop by to watch our programs, we are both texting each other through the programs... STILL communicating.

Spend time with her, listen to her. She will be 18 and moving off to college before you know it.

My gut feeling is that something isn't going well with this camp. Can you find a local college student who wants to make some $$ who will come to your house for the day, take her swimming at a local pool or to the beach, etc? That is what my kids do in the summer, and they love the unstructured nature of it so much more than a traditional camp.

How many days is this camp?

Most kids end up loving camp, even if they are initially frightened and uncomfortable. But if it turns out after two or three weeks that she still hates camp, try a different type of camp, or do what Mynewnickname suggests. She needs to be pushed past her comfort zone a little, but at her age, she doesn't need to endure something she hates for weeks on end.

Give her a kiss and tell her that you wish you could, but you can't quit your jobs.

She's in mourning. She is coming to terms with death and the process of dying. She is realizing you aren't going to always be there and she wants you with her so she won't lose you too.

Just drop her off like normal and don't give in to her fears or tears. That will only prolong the process. Just give her a hug and tell her you love her and that you'll see her later. Don't say I'll pick you up. What if, God forbid, you aren't ever able to do that again. Saying I'll see you later can mean in heaven or after camp or when I see you again.

Many things we say are ambiguous and kids don't think that way. They need to feel safe and breaking routine messes that up. Giving her more attention for crying and her sadness at drop off gives her the idea that it keeps you from leaving and if she does it enough you'll quit your job and stay with her.

So it's hard for you to walk away but it's best for her.

Also, there's no reason you can't spend more one on one time with her in the evenings or on the weekends. She will feel better soon, losing an animal is some kids first experience of loss.

That's rough. Must be h*** o* you as well as her :(

It sounds a bit like separation anxiety. I think sometimes it is set off by a traumatic event (such as the death of your cat). Usually it's pretty short lived. But kids just have a hard time processing news like that and making sense of it. It's likely just her emotions and feeling a bit lost is all.

I would just spend more time with her one on one. I like TF's suggestion of watching TV together (find a special show for you two), or we sometimes read on our bed with our sensitive one. Just calms them down to know that you're available. I too find my kids will open up to me if we're just sitting together doing nothing. Then you might be able to get to the route of her fear/anxiety/upset. Whatever it happens to be.

If it is instead that she just doesn't like camp, I think she'd be telling you more about what she doesn't care for and I'm sure the counsellors would have feedback for you. If she's ok after an hour, sounds like she's adjusting. But if she continues to be upset or this becomes a problem, you can try counselling. We had one of ours see a counsellor when he got stressed, and he just learned some coping techniques.

Hopefully it will be short lived but I'm guessing just continuing your support and not making a big deal of it is the way to go. If you don't have any other options, you don't want to make it seem like you're even considering her not going to camp.

Reassurance that you will spend time with her one on one sometimes helps mine get through the day. I often will say "When you get home, we'll do ...." such as bake cookies, play ..., hang out and watch our show ...

I have also given my kids something of mine to put in their pocket (helped one of mine get on bus by themselves). They just put their hand in their pocket and held the object and it calmed them down. Felt they had a little piece of me with them.

Good luck :) I hope it passes quickly

I would guess that it is not the camp itself, since she's fine after an hour or so. If there is something in particular that is "off" about the drop-off procedure or the day's first activity, that could be a factor, so you could ask the camp director or assistant director to monitor her for a day or two to see what sets her off and what comforts her.

I think TF is right on the obey, though - somewhere around ages 6-9,kids figure out that they and their parents are getting older. When there's a death (could be a grandparent, could be a pet as in your case), the child's bubble bursts and they realize that no one is immortal, and bad stuff can happen when you least expect it. Some kids are comforted by religious views of death, but others just can't imagine that, say, Heaven is all that fabulous if it doesn't contains their parents and friends. They don't care if it's paradise, they don't want to go alone, and they don't want you to go there either!

I think you have to get her talking, and not just about camp and drop off and your jobs. The "How to talk so kids will listen" books have been around for a long time and they are constantly re-issued, so obviously they are popular with a lot of people. Go to the library, get a copy, and see what else is on the same shelf and covering the same topic. Don't be afraid to engage the librarian to get suggestions on what else is good for this age group - remember that you can borrow from other libraries in the same network without going to visit them, so getting good advice even in a small library opens you up to a world of choices.

For TF, watching the reality shows worked. For us, it was movies and Friday night family dinners around the table with no rushing off to do homework or watch TV or do stuff with friends. Another great vehicle (pardon the pun) is talking in the car - the kid is strapped in, she doesn't have to make eye contact on a sensitive subject, and there are no interruptions (turn off the phone). Obviously, you shouldn't do this on the way to camp, but for other trips, it's a good thing to consider.

I think it's vital not to say to kids "it's silly" or "we can't quit our jobs" (if you could, would you keep her home all day? No. So don't offer it as a possibility which makes her just hate your jobs more.). And I doubt it's about pumping up the fun of camp - that's not her problem. I do think you have to get to the root of it.

The sooner and more thoroughly you do this, the better position you will be in when she really hits puberty!

It is probably a number of things. She lost her cat, it's morning time, she is 9.5, she's a girl, and of course she misses you.

This all still feels recent for us, but a year and a half ago we lost my niece. My daughter cried everytime we drove by the hospital. She cried in school. She cried everytime she came across someone with the same name. The onset of tears took place most often when we were in the car alone together. I just reached back and offered her my hand to hold until she felt better. Sometimes I still cry. A loss is a loss and it is hard to deal with.

If that is in fact the case, time will help her heal. Try to talk to her (not before camp) so you can get to the bottom of what is hurting her. Maybe once she actually gets it out, she can let go.

"How To Talk So Teens Will Listen, and Listen So Teens Will Talk."

Excellent book. Yes, I know she's not a teen yet, but the technique works for any age.

Take her to camp, kiss her goodbye and leave. If she cries on the way, say one or two sympathetic sentences and pay no attention. The more you fuss over the longer this will last. Spending time trying to reassure her gives her attention for crying and gives her the message that you don't trust that she can do this.

Sounds like she needs a bit more attention. Give her attention for positive things. You do not want her to learn that crying is the way to get attention.
teach her how to calm herself. Belly breathing helps. Thinking about something she likes is another. Perhaps she could run laps around the car. Physical activity can calm. Distract her by talking about things she loves. Teach her positive affirmations. I miss mommy sets the stage. She repeats over and over, "I will have fun." Or. Perhaps, "mommy will pick me up at such atime."
The more we say something the more that something will happen. My grandson is going thru a rough time. He found his old Lovey and carries it around. In his back pack at school. He feels more secure.

She most likely can't verbalize exactly why. Refrain from asking her or trying to talk her out of feeling sad. Sympathize, briefly and move on.

My 12 yo grandson couldn't stop crying. He was hungry. We got caught in a long line putting us in the car 9 hours. No way to pull out. Music usually calms him but we couldn't find his case of favorite CDs. When we got to my house he turned on the TV and tablet. He was calm in 15 minutes.

If fear of losing you is an issue, my counselor suggested saying when they ask, I will always take care of you. It's not a lie because you will see that someone she loves will takes care of her if you aren't able to care for her. No need to talk about the latter unless she asks. My grandchildren were younger than your daughter. They never ask.

she's almost 10 years old, not 2. Something is going on. I think more heart-to-heart conversation is needed. This isn't okay. Poor kiddo. What does SHE say when you ask her why she's been so emotional lately? Why does she miss you so much now when before she would not have?