5 Year Old (Not Yet Kindergarten) Tantrums

i would work with this young introvert by understanding her personality and her triggers, and as much as possible honoring them and helping her understand herself. she's already doing a great job of expressing herself, and she's really very, very young. so start there, and gently guide her to keeping up her vocal expressions of her needs, but doing so more quietly and courteously.
don't fall into the 'embarrassment' trap. so many young mothers (i was one!) are very concerned about how other mothers view our parenting and are a little prone to lean toward doing what won't make us 'look bad.' but if you've got a kid who gets overwhelmed by too much social contact, you should recognize that and help her learn to set boundaries courteously, but without getting too hung up on how it appears to others.
and doing so within your own family is a great place to practice, so when she's on playdates she's got the tools.
she's too young to realize when her stress levels are mounting, but as her mom i'll bet YOU can see when she's starting to fume. start by talking to her about it in very simple terms when she's calm and cheerful.
'marigold, we're going to practice how to behave when you're playing with someone else and you get angry. sometimes you just want to play by yourself, and that's fine! but we need for you to be kinder and more courteous when you've had enough. let's come up with a signal that means 'time for marigold to play alone.' how about a peace sign? or wiggling our noses? but you may not yell at your sister or friends and stomp out. that's rude, and when you do it you're going to lose a privilege.'
and you can work on just what that consequence will be, but you don't want to overwhelm her with tons of new rules. just the relief of having an escape plan may largely eliminate the problem.
khairete
S.

It sounds like she's pretty articulate. If she is happier alone, let her play by herself. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm an introvert (and probably what would qualify as "highly sensitive" - I hate loud or repetitive noises, big crowds of people, bright lights, etc.) and I was the happiest only child you ever met. I could play by myself in my room for darned near forever when I was that age. When I grew up, I got along just fine in the dorms at boarding school and in college, I joined a sorority, and was on sports teams, so it's not like I ended up being a recluse or anything. I learned to deal with crowds and make small talk, but it took me until my teen years to figure that out. You just need to understand that for introverts, it's extremely draining to have to deal with other people. When an introvert is at the end of her rope (and let's face it, this happens all. the. time. with siblings!), she re-charges by being alone, in a quiet space. It's also important to realize that introverts are not necessarily shy. Sometimes they're outgoing, but need that quiet time by themselves to recharge.

If it's too much for her to play with her sister or friends (outside of school), then don't make her. If she's happy by herself, let her be by herself. She will be happier.

I have a daughter who sounds similar, and I read The Out of Sync Child, you can see a lot of it online, and discovered she was has some sensory processing issues. I also found I did too. I had her evaluated by the Occupational Therapist her brother was already seeing and sure enough, she needed OT. The difference in just 3 months was SO amazing! I would have her evaluated just to be sure.

By itself, leaving the room to go calm down is fine. It should not be embarrassing to anyone (and who is embarrassed? you?), least of all, her. Removing oneself from a situation to collect one's faculties is fine.

Yelling is counter productive, and it's not going to work in school (she can't yell, she can't go off somewhere to be alone). Does she go to preschool or day care? If so, does she do this there? If not, what other techniques does she use? I think getting her to have enough of a vocabulary to express herself is key. So help her do that - suggest some words (frustrated, impatient, etc.). Then teacher her (and the 8 year old) to acknowledge the other person's feelings - they aren't "stupid" or "babyish" for example. The idea is to express frustration before the explosion point.

Being mad at herself and wishing she were dead is usually just posturing but dig deeper. Being mad at herself may mean she feels inferior, less competent, etc. (can't win at a game, not as good at a craft as the older child), - so address what the purpose of a game is, how each can compliment the other on a good move or a lucky (emphasize LUCKY) roll of the dice, etc. It's not a reflection on anyone's overall ability.

The "wish I were dead" stuff - keep an eye on it. Sometimes it's dramatic, but it's also an inappropriate statement if done publicly. So try to scale down the drama and also substitute other words. I agree with the suggestion below about the hyper sensitive child - there's some good reading available.

Have you read about the highly sensitive child? She may be a very sensitive person.

I have a middle child like this. He's a bit of an introvert and can only handle so much socialization. Lovely kid - it was up to me to figure out when he's had enough. He's never said he wishes he were dead but he does express frustration.

When he was 5, he found play dates at our house a bit much. He was fine to go to someone's house, but people in his space kind of bothered him. He loves his room and his Legos, and spends a lot of time on his own. So I tended to keep play dates out of his room (his treasures) and had them in living room with other toys. And I kept them short. It wasn't unusual for him to want them to go home after a while. He was done.

I don't make excuses for him, it's just the way he is. He has very outgoing social siblings that drive him nuts (always asking him to play) and he just needs his space. He has found a nice little bunch of kids who are like him. When they play, it's funny - they are very low key and still tend to play side by side rather than with each other.

His outbursts were a bit much until I figured out he just likes alone time. He was in daycare as a little one, and he would freak out in the car on the way home. Then nod off. So when he gets home (I'm home now) he goes to his room, reads, plays by himself, and after about an hour he comes down and joins the family.

I would say your daughter might benefit from a break in play dates or keep them very short, and maybe change them up a bit. My kid gets stressed out if it's up to him to entertain kids, so outside play, or having more than one kid over (group takes pressure off him if he needs a minute to himself). And short. He now recognizes he can't have outbursts and he's learned how to prevent them.

I just follow my child's lead. He also didn't want birthday parties - preferred simple family affairs or just doing special with his best friend.

Some people will try to tell you they are anxious, etc. but it's not that. My child is very relaxed and happy and isn't anxious - it's just he likes people in moderation :)

I'm not sure why yours is saying she's mad at herself or wants to be dead - that's a bit of a concern maybe, ask her what she means by that? It's probably just part of the outburst and perhaps doesn't know what she's saying at age 5.

Don't be too embarrassed, all kids come with funny behaviors at one time or another. I think it's great you are teaching her how to cope with them :)

I think that her saying "I want to be alone" is great. She recognizes how she feels and what she needs, and that feeling/need is totally appropriate. As an introvert, I can totally understand that. People can be overwhelming, and I'm sure small people, who don't have great social skills yet, can be even more overwhelming to other small people. I would just train her to say this in a more apprpriate way, like politely but firmly, so others hear/understand her and she's not being overly dramatic. Then swoop in and help her find a place to do that. I would set up a space at home (like her bedroom or a cozy quiet corner somewhere) and train others to leave her alone when she's there. Put a blanket, favorite stuffed animal, coloring book, whatever might help calm her down while she's there. My 7 year old still does this sometimes- he'll run to his bed and talk to his stuffed animal about how somebody made him mad or whatever, cry a little bit, and then come back out cool again. If we try to talk to him during this period he gets more upset. So I say just let her do her thing and she'll learn to cope. The time she needs should get shorter and shorter. And it's okay, don't be embarrassed. And if after she's calm she still doesn't want to at with other kids, that's okay too. You should still take her to play dates so she learns how to at with others, but there's no reason why those need to go on for hours. Some kids want to be around their friends all day and others like to be alone more often.
When she gets to kinder I might give the teacher a heads up. Most likely they'll already have a space like that in the classroom, and she'll just need to know where it is and when it's okay to use it (do you need to tell the teacher "I need to be alone right now" or is it okay to just to there?) & her training at home will help her do this successfully without causing a huge scene.
And BTW, my son that is the exact same age also still has tantrums. Not for the same reasons, but he's like 99% happy, sweet, fun, and then 1% crazy mad. So we're doing similar things to control tantrums (in his case to be safe while mad). So yea, I think really strong emotions are still age appropriate.

It may be a maturity level or a phase, in which she will grow from. I am assuming you feel she acts this way around a 8 year old and 5 year olds as well.

Look for patterns, thinking back to her napping days. Watch for signs that lead up to this behavior and start tapering it. If a one hour play date is too much, arrange to meet at the library for story time and to pick out a book together afterwards.

Then plan a down time.

I can remember some yelling going on over here, quite often. We learned to just pull the plug and move to something else, sometimes a nap. She is 9 now and hardly ever yells and almost never cries.

Every kid is different and the phases just keep coming with something new every time.